Devastating / crushing break-up
Hi everyone! I'm not sure how long this post will be, and it will hurt me, but I'll do it because I feel helpless. I hope someone will read it. I'm wondering if there are anyone who has been in similar situations and have advice for me. I'm desperate for it.
On Tuesday evening me and my girlfriend broke up after deciding together that it didnt work anymore as it should. We've been together since we were 17 years old, which means for nearly five years now. Quite early on, when we were 18 actually, I moved into her apartment placed in the basement underneath her parents. We also got a puppy together asap after I moved in. Together we grew up and graduated high school together. Afterwards she went on to work at a kindergarten as she was unsure what to study, while I'm on my final year now at college. During these years together my life changed more than I could ever imagine. As I said we grew up together, we turned into adults. Before I met her I was just a teenager living in my small room at my parents house.
We've been through so much together! We had a dog and I got so close to her family. They're the most open and welcomimg people I've ever met. We've been on vacations together with her sister and her husband, her brother and her parents plenty of times. We're all as one big unit. And of course we've travelled a lot alone too. This summer, just one month ago in August, we travelled to Greece on a superromantic vacation before we drove to Denmark to vacate with her family as I mentioned it for an additional week. Since we had the dog we've also been going for walks together every day, both nearby and far away on mountains, on the beach etc.. All the memories already drive me completely mad. I'm thinking I will never experience what I had with her with someone else again. She was literally the dream girl taken from a movie. She's a 10 on looks, loves kids, LOVED her familiy and her friends, loved animals etc.. I was also her first true love, and she was mine.
And then about the relationship itself.
The first three years was fantastic. We did stuff together every day. Exchanged presents, had good sex and everything was truly perfect in life. One day we were gonna get engaged and get kids, that was for sure. But the last two years things started to go downhill. We didn't spend as much timer with each other anymore, and the sex was getting worse. It turned into a state where I usually did my things, and she did hers. Spontanious trips to the cinema and restaurants, stuff like that, also kinda stopped. But when we actually did spend time together it was always amazing. Not to mention the vacations... It makes competely crazy to even think about them. So many beautiful memories! When we were on vacations together everything was always perfect again, and I almost cry when I think about the vacation we had a month ago. But still things were getting worse. Two years ago things were just starting getting worse to be honest, it was really the last year where we noticed it and talked about it. We talked about ending it almost a year ago, but decided to work on it. Before the summer things were back to the per usual, and we were close to breaking up. I had started packing a little bit, but she came into the room and cried and said she didn't want to end it. The summer was truly fantastic, but the last two weeks things were yet again back to 'normal'.
We then decided on Tuesday evening that we had to end it once and for all, even though we still loved each other as much as when we started dating. But the relationship wasnt working properly anymore. Wednesday I moved out while she was at work. Back to the room which is competely the same as I left it when I was 18 years old. It was and is still completely devastating to me. It felt as if my heart had been ripped out and that I was no longer living my own life. It was like I moved back in time to when I was a teenager. I'm back to where I started and everything feels empty to me. She also has kept the dog because our (or her's...) apartment is where it belongs. I dont eat and I have trouble sleeping. When I've spent time with my friends I can't think about anything else than her. We wrote together on FB the day after the breakup. We both felt we had so many questions because it went so quickly. Decided to break up before we went to bad, the following day I was suddenly moved out. We were both extremely sad it hadnt worked out, but she then went on to say 'perhaps we never got the big change that we needed'. It got stuck in my head and I started getting thoughs that if we just moved out from her apartment, or we spent some time from square one (her living at her place and me at my place) we could have a fresh start. We decided to meet yesterday and I was planning to say this and get her back.
During the trip yesterday with the dog (which I also loved more than anything) I said it. I asked if she wanted to try again if we did a bigger change. It wasnt what she competely had meant, but I could see that she liked the thought. She went on to say that we had tried too many times and it probably wouldnt work. There was obviously a lot of crying during the trip from both of us, hugging etc.. When we finally reached the end we both started crying and gave each other a last kiss. It was obvious we both love each other extremely much, and she wanted to be strong for both of us. She noticed I was the weaker part and didn't give in. She cried that it will turn out okay for both of us, and if we were really meant to be we would once again, but not now.
And then that was it. One day later I'm still at my parents, competely tapped from energy. On Tuesday I had decided that it wasnt working, but now I'm a complete mess. I can't see how the life can go on, and how I can ever find a girl like her. Life as of now feels meaningless and I've never been hurt nearly as much as I'm now.
She actually wrote to me after the "trip" so to speak though. She told me it was nice seeing me again, and that I had to remember that we made the decision together as adults and in the long term it would probably be the best for both of us and that she still loved me as much as ever. She said that this was just as hard for her, and that I was probably as clouded by emotions as she was the second time we almost broke up when she came into the room to tell me that she didn't want to break up.
I still have some stuff at her place that needs to be picked up. We kinda agreed I'd pick it up in two weeks when her parents werent there so it wouldnt be so awkward and I suggested that we could talk again. She said she'd like that. But I'm not sure if its smart or not.. Before we met yesterday it was the hope that was really killing me, and that I got to know that she thought it was over for now was kinda a little bit of a relief as I finally knew where she stood. When she wrote to me after the trip I kinda got my hopes back up that we'll decide to try again then in two weeks time.. But it's possible that she doesn't want this, that she just wants to talk again like yesterday. We've also agreed that I can come visit her place if I want to talk our dog for a walk. Not sure if that's a great idea either. Seeing the apartment etc again will probably bring up so many feelings.
I really don't know what to do further.. Deep down right now I still think it will be us in the end, we just needed to work harder on the relationship. We didn't try hard enough. As of right now as I explained she doesn't think it will work, but maybe she will when she has time to reflect? I don't know if I should lose all hope, because I'm not sure I can annd want to. Or maybe she is right that i'm not seeing things clearly right now..
