Devastating / crushing break-up

[YayaSanogo]

Hi everyone! I'm not sure how long this post will be, and it will hurt me, but I'll do it because I feel helpless. I hope someone will read it. I'm wondering if there are anyone who has been in similar situations and have advice for me. I'm desperate for it.


On Tuesday evening me and my girlfriend broke up after deciding together that it didnt work anymore as it should. We've been together since we were 17 years old, which means for nearly five years now. Quite early on, when we were 18 actually, I moved into her apartment placed in the basement underneath her parents. We also got a puppy together asap after I moved in. Together we grew up and graduated high school together. Afterwards she went on to work at a kindergarten as she was unsure what to study, while I'm on my final year now at college. During these years together my life changed more than I could ever imagine. As I said we grew up together, we turned into adults. Before I met her I was just a teenager living in my small room at my parents house.


We've been through so much together! We had a dog and I got so close to her family. They're the most open and welcomimg people I've ever met. We've been on vacations together with her sister and her husband, her brother and her parents plenty of times. We're all as one big unit. And of course we've travelled a lot alone too. This summer, just one month ago in August, we travelled to Greece on a superromantic vacation before we drove to Denmark to vacate with her family as I mentioned it for an additional week. Since we had the dog we've also been going for walks together every day, both nearby and far away on mountains, on the beach etc.. All the memories already drive me completely mad. I'm thinking I will never experience what I had with her with someone else again. She was literally the dream girl taken from a movie. She's a 10 on looks, loves kids, LOVED her familiy and her friends, loved animals etc.. I was also her first true love, and she was mine.


And then about the relationship itself.


The first three years was fantastic. We did stuff together every day. Exchanged presents, had good sex and everything was truly perfect in life. One day we were gonna get engaged and get kids, that was for sure. But the last two years things started to go downhill. We didn't spend as much timer with each other anymore, and the sex was getting worse. It turned into a state where I usually did my things, and she did hers. Spontanious trips to the cinema and restaurants, stuff like that, also kinda stopped. But when we actually did spend time together it was always amazing. Not to mention the vacations... It makes competely crazy to even think about them. So many beautiful memories! When we were on vacations together everything was always perfect again, and I almost cry when I think about the vacation we had a month ago. But still things were getting worse. Two years ago things were just starting getting worse to be honest, it was really the last year where we noticed it and talked about it. We talked about ending it almost a year ago, but decided to work on it. Before the summer things were back to the per usual, and we were close to breaking up. I had started packing a little bit, but she came into the room and cried and said she didn't want to end it. The summer was truly fantastic, but the last two weeks things were yet again back to 'normal'.


We then decided on Tuesday evening that we had to end it once and for all, even though we still loved each other as much as when we started dating. But the relationship wasnt working properly anymore. Wednesday I moved out while she was at work. Back to the room which is competely the same as I left it when I was 18 years old. It was and is still completely devastating to me. It felt as if my heart had been ripped out and that I was no longer living my own life. It was like I moved back in time to when I was a teenager. I'm back to where I started and everything feels empty to me. She also has kept the dog because our (or her's...) apartment is where it belongs. I dont eat and I have trouble sleeping. When I've spent time with my friends I can't think about anything else than her. We wrote together on FB the day after the breakup. We both felt we had so many questions because it went so quickly. Decided to break up before we went to bad, the following day I was suddenly moved out. We were both extremely sad it hadnt worked out, but she then went on to say 'perhaps we never got the big change that we needed'. It got stuck in my head and I started getting thoughs that if we just moved out from her apartment, or we spent some time from square one (her living at her place and me at my place) we could have a fresh start. We decided to meet yesterday and I was planning to say this and get her back.


During the trip yesterday with the dog (which I also loved more than anything) I said it. I asked if she wanted to try again if we did a bigger change. It wasnt what she competely had meant, but I could see that she liked the thought. She went on to say that we had tried too many times and it probably wouldnt work. There was obviously a lot of crying during the trip from both of us, hugging etc.. When we finally reached the end we both started crying and gave each other a last kiss. It was obvious we both love each other extremely much, and she wanted to be strong for both of us. She noticed I was the weaker part and didn't give in. She cried that it will turn out okay for both of us, and if we were really meant to be we would once again, but not now.


And then that was it. One day later I'm still at my parents, competely tapped from energy. On Tuesday I had decided that it wasnt working, but now I'm a complete mess. I can't see how the life can go on, and how I can ever find a girl like her. Life as of now feels meaningless and I've never been hurt nearly as much as I'm now.
She actually wrote to me after the "trip" so to speak though. She told me it was nice seeing me again, and that I had to remember that we made the decision together as adults and in the long term it would probably be the best for both of us and that she still loved me as much as ever. She said that this was just as hard for her, and that I was probably as clouded by emotions as she was the second time we almost broke up when she came into the room to tell me that she didn't want to break up.


I still have some stuff at her place that needs to be picked up. We kinda agreed I'd pick it up in two weeks when her parents werent there so it wouldnt be so awkward and I suggested that we could talk again. She said she'd like that. But I'm not sure if its smart or not.. Before we met yesterday it was the hope that was really killing me, and that I got to know that she thought it was over for now was kinda a little bit of a relief as I finally knew where she stood. When she wrote to me after the trip I kinda got my hopes back up that we'll decide to try again then in two weeks time.. But it's possible that she doesn't want this, that she just wants to talk again like yesterday. We've also agreed that I can come visit her place if I want to talk our dog for a walk. Not sure if that's a great idea either. Seeing the apartment etc again will probably bring up so many feelings.

I really don't know what to do further.. Deep down right now I still think it will be us in the end, we just needed to work harder on the relationship. We didn't try hard enough. As of right now as I explained she doesn't think it will work, but maybe she will when she has time to reflect? I don't know if I should lose all hope, because I'm not sure I can annd want to. Or maybe she is right that i'm not seeing things clearly right now..

[solarion]

Taking one another for granted came immediately to mind while reading your narrative. I think this is especially easy when you're young and when you've known little else. Suggest you spend time away from her and try to cut contact with her to an absolute minimum. The way you both have acted strikes me as respectful, mature, and loving...even during breakups. That kind of behavior is particularly commendable given your ages. Give her(and yourself) space and time to get her out of your system.

If the love you have for each other is strong enough then neither of you will be content with someone else and you'll eventually find your ways back together with a new found appreciation for what it is that you've shared all along. Sometimes the hardest thing about loving someone is to let them go.

[Wakeup]

I'm not even sure why you broke up for heavens sake. There is nothing in your Opening post to indicate that what had turned into apathy couldn't be turned around with some effort and wanting it to.

Your story sounds very, very much like mine and my husbands (we also met when we were 17). We broke up pretty much for the same reason after three years but got back together again and have been happily married now for 39 years on the 17th of this month. We lived together for awhile before we married.

I will tell you one thing. If you want the best chance for you two to get back together is to go ZERO contact with her, play the field and let her be the one to contact you first. It's the ONLY way you'll be able to find out if she misses you enough and will be able to realize that you are the best thing for her. (Be prepared for her to date others while you do the same).

She is the one that is balking at trying this again so don't give her the benefit of having you in her life while she does that dating. It's what my hubby did, he left me to it and when he contacted me again finally (I didn't call him) we talked it out and we agreed that we were the best for the other. It was zero contact up until that first contact from him. It was hard but I didn't sit around pining.. I spend time with friends, I dated other(S) and I kept myself busy.

I'm not suggesting that what happened with us will happen with you but it's a possibility as long as you don't enable her to NOT HAVE TO reconcile with you so; don't be each others emotional, human band aids. Don't let yourself be demoted from lover to "just friend."

Good luck. And for goodness sakes, don't think that you will never meet anyone that you will be able to love as much as you loved her (if you don't reconcile) because in time, and once you know for sure that this is over, you will allow yourself to get to the stage of indifference to her. That will leave your head and heart open to meet another and you will find that you WILL love her and you will form a life with her. There is always room in our hearts for such things... Always.

[YayaSanogo]

Thanks a lot for your answers. It's good to know that we solved it in a respectful manner.

Wakeup: My post is probably a little bit clouded by all the emotions still. Don't get me wrong, I still think she is the one and all that but I have to agree with her that it couldn't continue like it did. At one point it went over a month before we had sex, and we had barely spent one evening together in two weeks and we'd barely speak. Sure we'd eat dinner together and watch some netflix, and maybe talk a walk with the dog but it wasn't nearly as good/or the same as "normal". At the worst times it was like that. But then it'd go back to being perfect again. What I think is that we never worked hard enough on it. I think we both expected to have a talk about it and then all the problems would disappear, and they always did for a short time before they come back. I don't think we realized how much commitment and effort it actually requires to make a change. Like starting working out for example. I understand that now, but I don't think she does. Maybe she will like you say with some time.

Originally we agreed that I could pick up my last stuff and talk some more again in two weeks time like I mentioned. However, if I understand you correctly, if she doesn't mention any of this (as in "hey, are you coming over this weekend to talk and pick up your stuff?") I shouldn't ask her about it either, right? What I'm trying to say, if she doesnt bring it up I wont either. Then I'd rather just pick my stuff up at a time she's not home and continue the no contact. Or shouldn't I even agree to meet her even if she brings it up that she wants me to come over??

I need to make sure I understand this correclty.

[Wakeup]

I think you should let her lead unless you absolutely need what it is you have left at her home.

Just don't let yourself become demoted to "just friend" and give her time to miss you.

Try your best to get your own apartment set up and get some independence. You left your parents home to go straight to her parents home (even if it was a separate deal). When you can learn to be happy and settled in nicely as a single, a chick in your life will just be the icing on an already well baked cake.

[YayaSanogo]

I've done some more thinking and I think this is probably connected to low self esteem or jealousy. You said that you and your husband had a similar story to mine, that you dated other people before getting back together. Excuse me for asking this question, but does that mean you slept with other people etc?

Me and my gf were each others first sexually. Let's say we give each other time and end up back together in a year. Should I be able to handle the fact that she might have slept with somebody else? Could I look at her the same way? I'm having such a difficult time thinking about that right now :-(

[Wakeup]

Affirmative on that "others" question. I was a virgin when he and I met, he was not.

We love one another, we didn't give a shit what the other did while we weren't together. All contact with any "others" was completely severed and left in the past where they belonged.

We just didn't do any obsessive thinking on it. Retro-active jealousy is a destructive, negative past time.

Could I look at her the same way? I'm having such a difficult time thinking about that right now :-(

Then don't bother thinking about it. You don't need the negative energy.