How's this for F'd up? Anybody else as screwed up as me?
My story is a bit embarrassing because of the fact that I've held on to these feelings for so long and I can't move on and be happy. It's been 11 years since we've been broken up and I think about her everyday. I've tried everything to move on and forget about her, but when I was with her - I was never happier or more in love. We certainly had a few problems - a 13 year age difference didn't seem to be a big deal and we were a pretty good team for most of the relationship and we enjoyed the same activities. Eventually the age thing caught up, she started to go out clubbing with her girlfriends and I was cool with it because I was mature and trusting (I'd do it again, I've never tried to control anyone). She became distant and started running around a lot during the week and clubbing every most weekends. It's a shame, things had been going quite well that year, we had been living together for over a year and I was hopeful that we'd marry and start a family. I actually brought up the idea of breaking up because of the way things had become, but deep down it was the last thing I wanted. We actually parted somewhat as friends, even though it was a lot more painful for me - But I knew that she needed to have some fun and mature a little. After a little over a year after we broke up, she moved out of state (also painful). I dated and started a relationship with a woman that I am still with today (almost ten years, 1 boy), but have felt like maybe I forced myself in the relationship in an effort to put all the pain behind me. But of course, nothing comes easy - Every so often she(the ex) would call me (we were both in what seemed like unfulfilling relationships at that time). We always had wonderful conversations, flirted a bit and always made each other fell good. We had even discussed how each of us was "the one that got away" from the other and how much we meant to each other. She would eventually start ghosting my texts and calls (I assure you that it was only one or two calls/texts before I'd give up...I'm no stalker) I tried to deny it, but I always felt like we'd meet up again when the timing was right. I've kept the same phone number and have stayed in the same crappy city, just in case she called or came back (I've been in denial with myself over that, but I'm pretty sure that's why I'm still here). A couple of years ago she called me and even sent a racy photo, she was going to be back in town and we were going to meet up to reminisce and who knows what if the chemistry was still strong (I've never cheated on a partner(and still haven't), but I really do feel like I'm in a loveless relationship that is simply held together by the love of our son). After getting me excited, I started getting ghosted again. I called her a few months later from my work phone, she answer but was rude and couldn't/didn't want to talk. Then I called her a few months ago(which was about a year and a half later). only to find out that she broke up with her boyfriend, moved again, met another guy and was pregnant and married within a few months (where the F does this sudden commitment come from?). Anyway, there you have it - She's married and has a baby (dumbass me, I hadn't even considered her getting married or kids (at least not without me). Of course the most recent developments feel like ripping off a giant scab and starting the healing process all over again. I know that this woman is no good for me. I know that she would break my heart again. And I know that we'll never reunite and we never should. But that's just my common sense. I fear that my feelings and emotions would overtake my common sense quite easily. I feel like I'd drop anything for her, to be with her. I know that there was and is nothing I can do about her, but as hard as I try I can't let her go. With her I was forgiving and gave her unconditional love, I guess I thought it would pay off in the end. Thank God for my son, I'm not sure that I'd make it without his love. I know that I sound pathetic and the easy answer is "Dude just let her go", but it's not that easy. I work hard, I'm a family man, God-fearing, and I'm a very social person - But nobody has any idea that I'm going through this...Until now. Can anyone else relate to something like this for so long? Do I ever get over her or will I just have to live with it? I'm able to function everyday and appear like I've got my stuff together, but I'm a mess on the inside. Any feedback would be awesome. Smart asses and jerks keep your comments to yourself - Just because I may sound like a whiny wuss about this(i'm an ex-marine and nobody would ever call me that to my face). I would give anything just to move on and get rid of this pain. I can't go on with this for another 5, 10, 20, etc. years. Both of my parents are deceased and my brother passed away a couple of years ago, all painful stuff, but I feel like I properly grieved in those situations. This feels like something I may never get over. Thanks for listening - Again, any similar stories, advice, etc. would be much appreciated.
