How's this for F'd up? Anybody else as screwed up as me?

[Stan"the boy" M]

My story is a bit embarrassing because of the fact that I've held on to these feelings for so long and I can't move on and be happy. It's been 11 years since we've been broken up and I think about her everyday. I've tried everything to move on and forget about her, but when I was with her - I was never happier or more in love. We certainly had a few problems - a 13 year age difference didn't seem to be a big deal and we were a pretty good team for most of the relationship and we enjoyed the same activities. Eventually the age thing caught up, she started to go out clubbing with her girlfriends and I was cool with it because I was mature and trusting (I'd do it again, I've never tried to control anyone). She became distant and started running around a lot during the week and clubbing every most weekends. It's a shame, things had been going quite well that year, we had been living together for over a year and I was hopeful that we'd marry and start a family. I actually brought up the idea of breaking up because of the way things had become, but deep down it was the last thing I wanted. We actually parted somewhat as friends, even though it was a lot more painful for me - But I knew that she needed to have some fun and mature a little. After a little over a year after we broke up, she moved out of state (also painful). I dated and started a relationship with a woman that I am still with today (almost ten years, 1 boy), but have felt like maybe I forced myself in the relationship in an effort to put all the pain behind me. But of course, nothing comes easy - Every so often she(the ex) would call me (we were both in what seemed like unfulfilling relationships at that time). We always had wonderful conversations, flirted a bit and always made each other fell good. We had even discussed how each of us was "the one that got away" from the other and how much we meant to each other. She would eventually start ghosting my texts and calls (I assure you that it was only one or two calls/texts before I'd give up...I'm no stalker) I tried to deny it, but I always felt like we'd meet up again when the timing was right. I've kept the same phone number and have stayed in the same crappy city, just in case she called or came back (I've been in denial with myself over that, but I'm pretty sure that's why I'm still here). A couple of years ago she called me and even sent a racy photo, she was going to be back in town and we were going to meet up to reminisce and who knows what if the chemistry was still strong (I've never cheated on a partner(and still haven't), but I really do feel like I'm in a loveless relationship that is simply held together by the love of our son). After getting me excited, I started getting ghosted again. I called her a few months later from my work phone, she answer but was rude and couldn't/didn't want to talk. Then I called her a few months ago(which was about a year and a half later). only to find out that she broke up with her boyfriend, moved again, met another guy and was pregnant and married within a few months (where the F does this sudden commitment come from?). Anyway, there you have it - She's married and has a baby (dumbass me, I hadn't even considered her getting married or kids (at least not without me). Of course the most recent developments feel like ripping off a giant scab and starting the healing process all over again. I know that this woman is no good for me. I know that she would break my heart again. And I know that we'll never reunite and we never should. But that's just my common sense. I fear that my feelings and emotions would overtake my common sense quite easily. I feel like I'd drop anything for her, to be with her. I know that there was and is nothing I can do about her, but as hard as I try I can't let her go. With her I was forgiving and gave her unconditional love, I guess I thought it would pay off in the end. Thank God for my son, I'm not sure that I'd make it without his love. I know that I sound pathetic and the easy answer is "Dude just let her go", but it's not that easy. I work hard, I'm a family man, God-fearing, and I'm a very social person - But nobody has any idea that I'm going through this...Until now. Can anyone else relate to something like this for so long? Do I ever get over her or will I just have to live with it? I'm able to function everyday and appear like I've got my stuff together, but I'm a mess on the inside. Any feedback would be awesome. Smart asses and jerks keep your comments to yourself - Just because I may sound like a whiny wuss about this(i'm an ex-marine and nobody would ever call me that to my face). I would give anything just to move on and get rid of this pain. I can't go on with this for another 5, 10, 20, etc. years. Both of my parents are deceased and my brother passed away a couple of years ago, all painful stuff, but I feel like I properly grieved in those situations. This feels like something I may never get over. Thanks for listening - Again, any similar stories, advice, etc. would be much appreciated.

[melancholia]

I know that this woman is no good for me. I know that she would break my heart again. And I know that we'll never reunite and we never should.

Keep repeating this to yourself over and over and over again. You need to cut off all contact with this woman. Change your number, block her from your social media accounts, and do not contact her. As hard as it is to move on from these feelings, you said so yourself that she's no good for you, you know you will never reunite and that you shouldn't. It's not unusual for people to have feelings like this, especially when you felt so strongly about her from the beginning. After all these years you've been left wondering, "what if?" but now is the time to stop. Stop seeking her out. Stop contacting her. Start focusing on your relationship with your current partner - because I guarantee that a huge part of what keeps you from fully connecting with her, is that you haven't fully moved on from this other woman. I know it's hard. Believe me, I understand. Almost all of us can relate to the feelings surrounding "the one that got away", but if she got away in the first place, was she really "the one"? Continue to focus on your son and your love for him, and his for you. Prioritizing these important aspects of your life will allow you to focus on things other than this woman that are far more important than her and your missed connection.

[Wakeup]

If what it takes is for you to pretend that this little cock-tease is dead, then that is what you do.

She's been playing you like a fiddle since the day the two of you met right up until she said she would meet with you and then didn't.

Time for you to get some personal counselling If you are unable to see this for what it was. A little girl playing house, temporarily and getting her ego boosted by occasionally seeing if she could still pull him even after he was with someone else and had a son.

Sorry for the stark reality check... but there you go. Don't come in defensive trying to convince me that what you had with her was more then that, because it's quite clear by her actions that that is exactly what the dealio is.

You stop obsessing over her by discontinuing to wallow away in your thoughts of her... you immediately change the subject when she pops into your mind and you NEVER again take her contact. If you can't manage that, then you block and delete her so that you KNOW it aint going to happen again.

You might want to google "Limerence" and read the Wiki link to it as well, perhaps if you know what madness you're enabling in yourself, you'll be able to over-come it.

I am sorry that you've stagnated yourself emotionally for so long. I am doubly sorry for your partner who has had to share you with the memory of a little girl who just wanted to play.

Be well.

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Oh, BTW: What exactly were your ages when you first began? Just how long were things just awesome?

You say there was a 13 year age difference. Just how old WAS she when you first started out with her and everything was peachy until she started to go clubbing?

[Stan"the boy" M]

Thanks Melancholia. You make good sense. And this is the first time that I have ever let anyone know my secret. It was good to get some of that off my chest. I kept it all hidden and in denial for along time. I appreciate your help.

[Stan"the boy" M]

Wake Up...I don't know how to take you. Are you a bitter old lesbian? Or a 1950's Dad who is going to whip the stupid right out of me. It seems like you're pretty smart and just trying to help, but your message can get a little lost in your condescending tone. That was the first time that I told "my story" to anyone and I wasn't really looking for a beat down. Even though I may have come off as a whiny kid - And I'm not thin skinned, but I really don't like being talked down to like a kid (I can get that from my GF). But I was able to carve out a few things from your verbal assault (LOL) and I thank you for that.

[Wakeup]

Wake Up...I don't know how to take you. Are you a bitter old lesbian? Or a 1950's Dad who is going to whip the stupid right out of me.

Try a mature woman who told you like it is. "Keep It Real" is my motto.

It seems like you're pretty smart and just trying to help, but your message can get a little lost in your condescending tone.

Then I suggest you ignore the "tone" and just concentrate on the message. Afterall, you DO want to get to the stage of indifference to your cock-tease, don't you? It is just a giant waste of your time, your emotions and is sucking the joy right out of you.\

That was the first time that I told "my story" to anyone and I wasn't really looking for a beat down.

Well, you posted on a forum and your not going to get what you want, especially if all you're looking for is enabling dialogue that will help you with nothing but keeping you mired in your present state of waste-of-time-and-emotion

Even though I may have come off as a whiny kid -

Nobody said that.

And I'm not thin skinned, but I really don't like being talked down to like a kid (I can get that from my GF).

Your response to my "telling it like it is" approach makes you now appear to be what you don't want to be talked to like, though.

But I was able to carve out a few things from your verbal assault (LOL) and I thank you for that.

You're welcome. Now. Do the mental work you need to do to get over this state that is a destroyer of positive energy or go sit in the corner and no supper for you tonight...

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BTW: I find it "interesting" that you didn't answer the ages question or let us know just how long it was "great" with her before it went tits-up. Care to tell that part of your "secret"?