-
Gaaah! You give me vertigo. You're exactly the kind of guy I have to stay away from. You are deadly. Bet you're good-looking, too, aren't you? Yeah.
You need to do some soul-searching. Try to identify exactly what your personal moral code is, think deeply on the subject of integrity.
Whatever happens, I strongly caution you against making any big moves with your relationship. Don't get all caught up in the surge of emotions and ask her to marry you or anything. (It doesn't sound like you're heading in that direction, but I just had to say it.)
The end result of your dalliance with the other girl is not as important as the fact that it happened in the first place. That's a huge red flag, and you're still in the middle of trying to figure out what it means.
Oh, and for the record, I think you're far too forgiving with yourself.
-
This doesn't require any deep answer. Its called 'cold feet'. Either she's what you want, or not. And you already know, you just haven't acted accordingly. Stop being an asshole, Parker.
-
Your point is taken, Giga. I'm not quite sure what you mean by deadly-- because I would never hurt a woman physically. I guess I am good looking, although I don't go around seeking everyone's approval, and until about a week ago I was sporting long hair and a thick full beard. Somehow my girlfriend saw past that and still loved me, which says a lot about her.
The intregrity question IS a confusing one.. I do need to spend lots of time putting that facet of my life back together. I've never cheated on her, and this is just one of those things that sneaks up on you. I guess it's normal to have crushes like this, because everywhere I look on this forum I see people having that same issue. I know I'm not ready for marriage.. I've been pushing this issue into the recesses of my mind for years. I wouldn't ask my girlfriend to marry me unless I was absolutely, without a doubt, certain that she is the ONLY woman I EVER want to be with for the rest of my life. I don't believe in divorce.. not that I think down on anyone who does, but I was brought up to believe that once you say "I do" and tie the knot, that is your ONE shot and you live with it the rest of your life, whether you like it 10 years down the road or not. I've also been brought up to believe, by older males who influenced my thoughts through childhood and adolescence, that "unless you have a ring on your finger, you can do whatever the hell you please." Now, I don't think this is RIGHT, but it's hard not to use that as an excuse for my behavior and my feelings and justify my actions.
Trust me, it may look like I am forgiving myself way too easily.. but I am having a very very tough time letting this go. I know I should, and I should block all this out of my mind as if it never happened, but it's like being forced to sit through a horrible movie.. kissing this other girl, holding her close to me, telling her how happy she makes me feel.. over and over again. Strangely, I'm not crying about it anymore.. I'm accepting it for what it is, but it's going to take a lot of time and meditation to figure out why exactly I did this and what I can do to rectify my problem.
