In a relationship, torn between two women

[mparker2004]

I hope I can get some guidance on this because I am completely confused and unbearably hurting inside. I'm 21, a college student (about to graduate), and I've been in a relationship with a wonderful woman for over 5 years. We got together when we were both 16 and we were high school sweethearts. NOTHING anyone could say or do kept us apart, and to this day the most time we've ever spent away from each other is 1 day, and I was miserable the whole time. The relationship is VERY serious-- we are integral parts of each others' families, we lost our virginity together and have sex on a regular basis, we share money and do things together all the time. In fact, since I haven't had a job for the past couple years while I focus on the very demanding degree program I'm involved in, she has paid for everything knowing that I will take care of her when I finish school.

I don't know when it happened, but I started slipping away from her emotionally.. I love her dearly, I care about her more intensely than someone could care for another, but I just feel like I'm not the same person I used to be and keep having thoughts of "maybe we just aren't right for each other and we've been forcing this to last". It's not like the relationship has become too strict or mechanical or anything.. we go out together just to have fun, we call each other randomly in the middle of the day just to talk, we spend lots of time at each others' dwellings. We both still live with our parents, and have been talking about moving in together as soon as I graduate and get a job. There's been talk of children and what we'll name them, how we'll raise them, etc. I could see myself spending the rest of my life with this woman, but I would always be missing something.. maybe it's just excitement. I know everything about her, there's nothing strange about her.. we know each others' little bad habits and how the other thinks. I keep feeling like the spark just isn't there and the relationship is "running on fumes" so to speak.. I feel like she loves me more than I love her, even, and I feel kind of guilty about that.

Now, here's where I screwed up. I should have gotten my feelings straight and made a decision before I took this step. I should have worked out the financial stuff and stopped taking my gf's money to pay my bills, found some way to get on my own feet. But I didn't. I was curious and browsing some personals ads when I stumbled across a gorgeous woman, turning 21 in December, and I shot her an email just to see if she wanted to talk. She did, and we've been exchanging long, deep, emails many times a day. We've been talking online and on the phone, and can hold a conversation for hours. Our life stories are very different but we still connect on so many points and have so much in common. I've yet to meet her in person, but plan to on Sunday. She's the opposite of myself.. high school graduate, no college, full time manager of a retail store but plans to go to school again one day. She's not a girl that you'd stop on the side of the road and go "woah, she's gorgeous" and snap pictures, but she has a very unique beauty to her that drives me crazy every time I look at her pictures. To be honest, it's not even her looks that hooked me.. it's how well we communicate, how we just click on a higher level, how we can complete each others' thoughts and just seem so "right" together. We haven't spoken the "L" word yet, but I'll be completely honest-- I'm completely in love with this woman. The spark, the excitement, the sick feelings when I'm not talking to her, they're all there. I long to hold her and just be with her and just bask in that feeling of being loved and wanted. On top of that, she's a virgin and she's pure.. she wants to wait for marriage and strangely, I completely respect that. If I ended up with her I would wait to marry her before I even thought about it.

I haven't told this new woman about my girlfriend.. I feel guilty because I lied to her, and I also feel guilty because I'm lying to my girlfriend. I usually spend the rest of the day after my gf gets off work with her, so I've told this new woman that I have to work nights and can't talk to her. I told my gf that I may have to take a couple nights a week to spend alone at the library or with a group and study. Of course, I'm not going to study, I'm going to spend time with this new woman.. That excuse is going to have a very short duration, because the semester is almost over. I have to make a decision on who I want to be with quickly. A 5+ year relationship, with families involved and expecting marriage, seems like way too much to just throw away. Their views of me and respect for me would pretty much go out the window.. but then again, who cares if I'm truly in love with this new woman?

I know this may sound kind of dumb to some of you, because it's not a conventional "met this person at x location and ended up falling in love with her" situation, but this is about the EXACT same way I ended up falling for my current gf. Started emailing them IM'ing her because she was a friend of a friend, started talking on the phone, had one date, and been together ever since. It's all a lot more complex than this, but I want to keep it relatively short. Here are my two choices..

1. Stay with my gf while I "feel out" this new girl and find out what she's all about, spend some time in her presence. Who knows, maybe we're really not a perfect fit and it's not going to work out anyone? She's told me she can't imagine not having me in her life, and I can't imagine not having her either. If I decide to stay with my gf, I just tell her I decided to get back with my ex (I told her I had an ex of 5 yrs which recently ended), and we stay friends. If I decide to get with this new girl, I dump my "job" that I supposedly have now, get hired on at her company while I finish school, sell my car (my only liability) and pick up something cheap for the time being, and sign a promisary note to recompensate my gf for all the money she's paid on it so far. Assuming my gf doesn't go and do something irrational.. because she said if I ever dumped her she would probably end her life (and she has tried before, before we were together).

2. Just stop all this now, suck up the pain, hide it deep in my head, and tell the new girl I need a little break so I can get my head right. Tell her I'm getting back with my ex and I don't deserve her. Don't tell my girlfriend that this even happened, and just hope I made the right decision.. live my life knowing I quit on a woman who could have been the love of my life, the mother to my children, and my soulmate..

Any other recommendations are of course welcome.

[vashti]

I think if your families are hoping for or expecting marriage out of a 21 year old kid with limited experience, they are foolish.

I am not shocked that you find yourself interested in other girls - that is very common at your age. However, the dishonesty with both these girls is really a problem.

I think you should consider breaking up with your girlfriend. Who wants to have a boyfriend who only sticks around because he feels obligated? I also think you should give her back whatever sum of money you believe she gave you. You should not have accepted money from her in the first place. You either should have been working part time (like many college students do) or had your parents help you.

That you would consider telling some girl you've never even met that you don't deserve her, while planning to keep your girlfriend on the hook is pretty f*cked up, in my opinion, because this implies that you DO deserve your girlfriend, who has been a generous, loyal, and giving girl for 5 years. I am guessing that at your current stage of development, you probably deserve neither girl.

[Moonchild]

I've said this in at least one other thread, but you can't expect a "spark" to just hang around on its own. If you expect excitement for your entire life, not only are you going to be disappointed, but you'll find yourself jumping from girl to girl every five years or so. And you've said that the way this is going with the new girl reminds you of how you began with your current girlfriend--this leads me to two things. One, there is more than one person who fits with you. Two, if things begin the same, they're likely to end the same. It's horrible that you're lying to the both of them, but to be perfectly honest, you don't know anything about this other girl. You hide things as well as anyone else can, and I don't think either woman will be happy that this happened if you keep going the way you have been--if they ever find out. You can see yourself spending your life with your current girlfriend. /The spark with the new girl wouldn't last forever, either./ Would you spend your life with the girl you have, or would you not? A "spark" is more like a fire. If you leave it alone for too long, it'll go out. You can't just sit and expect it to burn forever. In my opinion, you should stop communicating with this new girl. Use whatever excuse you have to. Sort things out with the girlfriend you have, and if it ends, /then/ look elsewhere. Lying to someone for this long about something so important is one of the worst things you can do to them.

[mparker2004]

Vashti, I much expected that kind of response, so I don't take offense to it at all. I guess what I'm having an issue with is the fact that I've spent my whole middle adolescence and the early years of my adulthood with the same woman. Even though she's wonderful and I think the world of her, I can't help but think.. is this it for me? Strangly, I sat at a concert WITH HER all Friday night, only half-listening to the music. The way she leans on my shoulder and holds onto me, always wants to know how I'm doing, kisses me in that sweet loving way, makes me think momentarily.. "**** this, what am I thinking? I have a perfect woman right here, why should I even look elsewhere?" and then I think of the stimulating conversations, strong connection, and the fluttering feeling this new girl puts in my heart. Somehow.. I couldn't help but think of her the whole time, couldn't get her out of my head. My girlfriend can support me through the hard times, understand MOST of my problems and calm my nerves, cook like nobody else on earth, and she knows everything about me and how I respond to different things. She would make a great wife, but in the back of my mind there would be that.. "what if...". This turmoil inside of me built up throughout the night, brought me to tears a couple of times, choking them down the rest of the time, and I just wanted to stop right there and take my gf into private and tell her exactly how I'm feeling and what I'm up to. Get it ALL out there.. but it would break her heart and then I would regret it. Then she said "you know, you MAY find a girl who is special and loves you a lot, but you will NEVER find a girl who treats you as well as I do, and you know it." Yeah, I guess. She treats me like a king, and I don't deserve it. Vashti, I've been telling my gf I don't deserve her. I know I don't, she deserves someone else who is more honest and doesn't have these kinds of thoughts, but it also bothers me to think of her with anyone else.

So I didn't. I had to part ways with her after the concert and didn't see her again until tonight, but I stood there holding her and telling her I'd miss her afterwards. I WOULD miss her, I genuinely meant it, but I was also missing someone else at the same time.. it was a very confusing moment. I've been hinting at things to her the past couple days like "maybe I'll just break your heart and leave you.. what would you do?" and she won't answer it. Her response is.. "you wouldn't do that, you love me too much, you're not going to leave me." And I just kind of played it off with a laugh. I've asked her if something happened and she didn't have me, what would she do? Her response was to sit there for about 5 seconds and then reply that she would just go to work day after day, come home and sit there miserable, cry constantly, and never be happy again. Gee, just what I want to do to her..

SOO here is what I'm doing thus far.. against my better judgement, I'm meeting this new girl tomorrow evening and we're going out on a date. Yeah, I'm a ****ing rat, a worthless excuse for a man. I just know I love both of them, and I want to spend time with this girl to see if those feelings are real or if they are just some kind of emotional reaction to the possibility that I may have some destiny other than marrying my current gf and living out my life. I can't just walk away from this girl yet, she MAY be the one for me, maybe I've been with my gf while I was meant to find her. We'll just see if this is some phase of mine that will fizzle out and reassure me that I should be with my gf and nobody else. I see no other way to go about it. And you know what, if it DOES turn out that's the case, I'm going to break it off with this new girl, tell her I don't feel comfortable in the relationship, and go to my girlfriend and confess it all. If she can't forgive me for it and stay with me, I guess I'm done with women.

[Moonchild]

I don't deserve it.

Get some self-esteem, would you? You're starting to sound like me.

[miSSleepy]

exact same situation here (although i've known the other guy for a while and see him in person) I'm even your age. I've never been on dates or lied to my bf about seeing this other guy though.

[vashti]

I don't blame you for wondering about what you haven't experienced... i just think you should be honest about wanting to experience it. To go about doing as you please without allowing your girlfriend the dignity to choose for herself whether she wants to tolerate your disloyalty is (to me) unforgivably selfish.

I also wouldn't pretend that what you are feeling for the new girl is "love", mparker. Real love takes time to develop, and you hardly know the new girl. You should call it what it REALLY is: infatuation or chemistry or an intense crush would be more appropriate.

[sine24]

there's never an excuse. you are being extremely selfish and inconsiderate..decide what you want and stick with it. though im not sure either relationship will last cos it seems like once something doesn't feel "right" you just go for the next best thing while stringing the first along. even if you decide what you're going to do..you are going to have to tell them that you cheated on them..which will make them lose trust in you..and hence..the relationship is based on lies. i know i would never be able to fully trust someone if they cheated on me. you would never cheat on someone you love..full stop.

[Gigabitch]

I've known quite a few people who graduated out of their relationships along with graduating college. Most of them hadn't been sponging off of their girlfriend for years, though.

You don't deserve your girlfriend. You know this. You don't deserve the new girl either. I don't even know how you can look at yourself in the mirror in the morning.

Did your parents raise you to be a weasel? Why are you so ****ing inconsiderate? You're like a bull in a china shop, just destructive and hurtful.

I suggest you break up with both of them and get your ass into therapy. There is something wrong with you. Yes, you're reasonably intelligent, and clearly very charming- it comes through even in the way you write, but you are emotionally stunted and just plain... off.

[xmoongirlx]

Does this help:Don't leave the one you love,for the one you like!

Because the one you like, will leave you for the one she loves!


In my personal belief your are just excited about this girl so much that you are giving it too much though, and forgeting who is REALLY important, which is ur girlfriend!

If it's really LOVE what u have felt for your girlfriend all those five years, I believe u more than anyone know the answer to all ur questions and indecisions!

Another thing u should let ur girlfriend know how ur feeling!

And sorry for telling u this but I think u did wrong to be talking to another girl in the first place,u sabotaged ur relationship! I don't think u love ur girl at all~and ur just used to her...Sorry I'm honest,but that's what I think.

[mparker2004]

I understand that what I've done is wrong and hurtful to all parties involved.. including myself. I guess you'd all want to know the outcome of this, so I'll let you in on it. Late saturday night/early sunday morning I decided to break it to my gf that I may not feel the same way about her as I once did. It's tough to condense about three hours of conversation into a short, readable post, but I'll give you the general idea. I let her know that for quite some time, I've been wondering "what if" I was single or with someone else, and was curious about what other women were like. I do still love her, and I told her that, but I've been going through a lot of confusion. I think a lot of people go through this at least once, and whether it's difficult or not I'm glad I'm getting through it now. There were many tears shed throughout that conversation, and I even told her I've actively seeked out other people to talk to because I don't always feel as mentally stimulated by just talking to her. You have to understand the situation-- in HS, we basically shoved everyone else away, created our own little world with just the two of us in it, and anyone who dared intrude was instantly shunned away. So we ended up with 2 or 3 close friends, one of whom is overseas in the military, the others away for school or doing their own thing and too busy for us anymore. When I started having these feelings, I knew I would destroy that world we've created and I've been so careful not to. I would sneak around behind her back and talk to people, guys and girls alike, just to have some type of meaningful conversation to keep my mind active. Meeting this new girl was different though.. something really attracted me to her, and perhaps it WAS/IS just infatuation.

Last night I went to see her. The whole way there, my heart ached because I knew what I was doing would break my girlfriend's heart if she found out. But I had already done plenty of damage with our heart-to-heart the other night, so somehow I still found it in myself to get there. I met her parents, seemed like nice people, and giga you're right-- I'm very charming. Her parents really liked me, and everything seemed great. I took her out to the movies, held her hand and put my arm around her in the theater, told her sweet things that I really meant. Somehow it just didn't feel right-- there was a sinking feeling in my gut. We weren't as open and talkative as we usually are, and who knows.. maybe she was up to the same thing as me and feeling guilty, or maybe she was just having second thoughts. Regardless, against my better judgement, I kissed her when we got back to her place and told her how she makes me feel special. We hung out for a little bit, and when I left she was acting a little shy and awkward. I fully intended to tell her everything and break it off, but I didn't.

Called when I got home.. no answer, phone is off. So I left her a message letting her know I got home ok, shot her an email before I went to bed saying I had a good time, glad I got to see her, and went to bed. I got up a couple hours later, checked my email, and had a message from her-- she feels weird about it because she hasn't been in a serious relationship in a long time and asked me if it would be alright if we just stayed friends. That's not what I wanted to hear, but it was a relief.. now I didn't have to make a decision, all I have to do is shove all the pain away deep inside my head, mask it so nobody could see it, and start mending my relationship with my girlfriend. WELL I get home from class today, check my email, another message. No surprise, since she didn't answer her phone when I called earlier. It basically said she knew she said she wanted to stay friends, but thought it would be too weird, and that it's better if we don't. Then she asked me to never contact her again and signed it "goodbye".

WOW what a sucker punch. I guess I deserve it, and yeah.. it definitely makes things easier. I sent her a quick response saying that if that's what she wants to do, I'll respect that, but I have no idea where that even came from and would appreciate more clarification since things seemed to be going so well. I dunno.. it seemed like it was only a matter of time before I broke it off too, but I just wasn't expecting THAT. No response yet, and I probably won't get one. She's off my contacts on my phone, out of my email address book, and she took care of the myspace comments we'd left each other already. I've been hurting like hell all day, trying to figure things out. I really have no choice now. I do really love my girlfriend, and I plan on trying to work things out and keep going on the path we were on. She's completely ok now and we've resolved to start spending a lot more time together while we work on our relationship. Every time I start to feel confident and optimistic, I think of sitting next to this other girl, holding her hand, kissing her in the car, saying goodbye and feeling like I wouldn't be seeing her again. Heartwrenching.

So there you have it.. I guess it wasn't love. I think this other girl has the same feelings I have, only she's still hurting from a previous relationship she's told me about before. If she tries to track me down in the future, I probably won't answer.. right now I'm trying to push her out of my head and get on with the future. I won't be making this mistake again.. I don't deserve my gf, and she's the most wonderful person on this earth. Time for a lot of relationship work on my part.. I'm currently looking for a therapist to help me with my cheating problem.. I don't want to do it anymore and I'm finding it hard to cope with the pain alone. I spent several hours on the phone today with a close female friend, explaining the WHOLE ordeal to her, and she kinda set my mind at ease.. but I still find myself wishing the whole thing never happened. To anyone who reads this in the future.. if you love someone don't look elsewhere.. be happy with what you have, don't question it. I wouldn't want anyone else to have to go through what I'm going through right now.

[xmoongirlx]

wow I cried! Good things worked out for you, I believe what's meant to happen will find it's way! and it was meant to be this way! Love ur girl and don't doubt anymore,sorry for saying those things earlier, but hopefully u know realize i was right about the talking to someone else, like u said when u love someone don't look anywhere else!

[vashti]

Does your girlfriend know you went on a date with another girl?

[mparker2004]

She does, and we're working through this together. She's forgiven me for it and she blames herself more than me. She's really insecure about her own ability to love me enough, which I feel really bad about. That's why we need to work at this together instead of it being a one-sided thing. The good thing is, she's come out and said she's had thoughts about other guys too. Not just "other guys" but specific guys from her past. That makes me feel a little better and it's helping us talk about it.

[vashti]

I thinkyou should alleviate her concerns that you did this because of some inadequacy on her part. This really had nothing at all to do with her.