Is he using me and looking for other women? I feel like a placeholder...

[pinkwine]

Hi all.

I met a guy from Tinder about 5 weeks ago and up front told him I was after an actual relationship (i know Tinder isn't always the best way to go about it, but he was in agreement). Initially we spoke frequently and he was the one really pushing us to get to know each other. I'd had a really bad relationship end 2 months previously, so didn't want to rush anything but when we met for the first time it was great and we really had a connection. He works nights, so finding time to meet was hard but we managed it.

After 3 coffee dates and 2 where I went back to his (with nothing sexual happening) we went out for the day where I helped him pick out a sofa for his new home (last saturday) and then went to some bars late afternoon/evening. We had a lovely time, then that night I stayed at his and we slept together. Since then I can't decide whether it's my perspective that's changed because we slept together or it's him. After I left his house last weekend he went really quiet with his texts. I was tearing my hair out over this thinking that I shouldn't have slept with him, and he put something on his Tumblr account really late that night about being drunk and missing someone, but i figured it couldn't be about me, as he'd make more effort if he was really missing me... so i decided to leave it. Then i found out via a friend that he was still on Tinder, so i decided that he clearly didn't like me all that much (i'd deleted my tinder account not long after i met him), and that i couldn't put myself through another heartbreak. I made up my mind to not contact him again.

Anyway, the following day he messaged me as normal, so i said his sudden silence made me think i'd done something wrong, and he said no, he had been in bed because he was ill and then he made a lot of effort to message me. He said sleeping with me had made him even more interested and attracted to me and he couldn't wait to see me again. We made plans to go for some walks and go Christmas shopping after payday. However throughout the week his messages came late in the day because he said he had trouble sleeping and spent the week ill, which was fine and i completely understood that, so we arranged to see each other at the weekend. His messages were really sweet again, but the whole him still being on Tinder has made me really mistrustful and I've managed to convince myself he has someone else.

So this weekend came, we slept together again, and he's done the same thing again. I stayed at his, we slept together and since then he's gone quiet. I got a text from him last night saying he's really sorry but he'd been asleep, and he was going to the pub with his friends then. Each time previously he has been to the pub he messaged me whilst he was there, but this time barely anything and his messages were really short. I have no problem with this usually, but because the consistency of his messages had been so frequent up until last weekend I thought this was really alarming.

I really need an opinion on this. My last relationship was horrible, emotionally abusive and I was also cheated on. My ex lied to me about a lot of things, so now I seem to suspect an ulterior motive with my new guy. I don't feel like I know the whole truth about him. I don't feel attractive enough for him, and the whole him being on Tinder just makes me think i'm not good enough. I'm expecting him to end it any day and it keeps me on edge, even though he's said nothing about wanting it to end. I understand keeping your options open in early days is a common thing, but as I tend to commit quite early I don't personally get it. I'm trying to keep my defences up but i can feel myself falling for him. I've met his Mum and his sister and I really like them, he told me his mum really likes me too and keeps asking him when i'm next coming round.

I've said nothing to him about how I feel at the moment because I don't want to scare him off if i'm imagining it all, the only thing I said was a light joke about me putting him off after we slept together, and he made a lot more effort after that because he clearly thought I was going to duck out of whatever this is we have. He also has a lot of female friends, and goes over to America a few times a year to visit friends there. I'm that paranoid I've managed to convince myself he's seeing one of them over there, and a Facebook status written by one of his friends from home (It was from February) basically suggested he had been sleeping with one of them. He also flits on and off Facebook when he's not replying to my messages so I know he's awake and online. My best friends have all said I'm getting paranoid and overly involved too soon and it's likely nothing to worry about as he works nights and has been seeing me at weekend he wouldn't have time to meet anyone else ... but he was really text heavy in the beginning and a lot more engaged in us. One of my friends said if he wasn't interested he probably would just stop contacting me at all. Now I feel it's already stagnating a bit. It doesn't help that he's by nature quite quiet and I feel it's far too early to start discussing the inner workings of my mind! I'm really expecting him to just say he doesn't like me any day soon and end it.

At the moment I can't eat, or sleep. I suffer from anxiety problems (as does he) and it's making me ill. Please help me gain some perspective?

[maliboo_yow]

If I were you I would let this situation go because it seems like he only wants and only wanted 1 thing, and that's sex. Men will do several things to get you in bed and it sounds like he did just that. I have been here before so I know it hurts but you just have to put on your big girl panties and move on. The only reason he keeps responding to you is because he wants the sex and until he can feel that position, you're going to be the one he calls on. So don't wait for him to end things, you end things because obviously he isn't doing enough to please you because if he was you wouldn't be so paranoid and you wouldn't have posted this. If you don't believe me try this. Next time you hang with him, DO NOT have sex with him. Tell him you're going to stay the night but you just don't want to have sex. If he asks why just tell him you're not in the mood. See how he responds. If he acts distant and as if he wants to leave, there's your answer. If he is cool with it and continues to go on with your evening without his mood changing, then maybe it is just his schedule. Your first mistake was dating too soon. You just got out of a serious relationship 2 months ago, you were never ready to re-enter 1 so soon. You needed a little bit more time to heal because you were way too open too quickly with this new guy. You were vulnerable and he knew that and it seems like he took advantage of that. When you're vulnerable, you can't see the signs of when someone has ulterior motives, all you see is how great they're making you feel. You can't depend on a new situation to make you feel good after a past situation made you feel awful, you'll get hurt every time. You need to take your time and heal first and come out of this renewed and refreshed. Once renewed and refreshed, you won't get lost in a situation too quickly because by then you'll be okay with being along and single. In my opinion, you need to take this as a loss because he doesn't like you nowhere near as much as you like him. Next time take your time to get to know him before having sex because you can't handle casual sex and that is absolutely fine but now you know you can't just do it because it feels right, you have to take it slow and make a conscious decision.