Is something fundamentally wrong with me?

[sana1]

Ok, here's the thing. A guy I met online told me he was not romantically attracted to me. Which was odd, because I thought things were going great, he was telling me really flattering things, we were clicking very well and almost had sex and then he came to my door and said he was a virgin (in his mid 20's) and that he wasn't romantically attracted to me. And I am not entirely sure where that came from, it seemed to me it was a little bit out of blue. Oh, well, fair enough, things like that happen. The problem is though, this is the second time in a row this has happened to me. There was another guy, with whom we were doing really well for almost a year. We never labelled the relationship, but we were practically going out. However, when I asked him about where this was goin he said he wasn't too attracted to me in a way he didn't want a relationship, but preferred to be friends (same thing the first guy said).
So you would think I am not a great looking person, but I am decently good looking, I think. I am not overweight, I am not plain, I am not miss America or anything, but I suppose I am not hideously ugly. So my question is: is something else wrong with me? Can you attract a certain type of people or am I not reading signs very well? Or am I not choosing wisely? Both of these people were above-average smart and one of them had Asperger's and the other one,presuming he had never kissed a girl before me, was a little bit socially awkward as well.

I know you probably can't help me, but I kinda felt the need to share and look for some friendly advice.

Thanks

[TheEvilJester]

The first thing you need to know is you need to stop blaming yourself. Take it from a guy who knows from experience, you will drive yourself crazy doing this. I've lived my entire life with basically no self-esteem, and have really only recently started to build for myself what some might consider a normal, healthy self-esteem. So, I can relate to all the self doubt. All the "What the Hell is wrong with me?" kind of thoughts. God, it can be SO hard not to think that way when it seems like NOBODY will give you a chance. Then, when somebody finally does, they either disappear before long, or decide they only want to be friends.

There is nothing wrong with you. Do not blame yourself. Unless you are doing something crazy like making them artwork from human bones (which I still maintain is NOT crazy, but tell that to all those uptight women who ran from me screaming in terror) then there is nothing wrong with you.

I guess my only question would be how long did you know the first guy, and how long did you know this new guy, before finally asking where the relationship was going? Could it be possible you are just waiting too long? Or maybe giving them signs you aren't realizing you are sending that makes it seem you just want to be friends? I mean, I realize it should typically be the guy to make the first move, but maybe it has just been taking so long that they wind up just seeing you as a friend. But, without knowing more details, that would just be my first guess.

But, please do not allow yourself to get into that slippery slope of thinking something is wrong with you. I am sure you are very lovely, and a lot of fun. I am sure you have a lot to offer to a guy. You just haven't found the right guy yet. He will come along. You will some day find a guy who will not just want to be your friend. Good luck. I hope you find him soon.

[sana1]

Hey, thanks for the nice words.
With the first guy (the online one) I didn't really ask where it was going because we had gone out on just few dates and you know, we have been intimate already and I was just seeing where it goes before he told me he did not romantically like me. It was a bit strange, because just the day before he was on about how much he liked me. With the other one, again, we were intimate, he even went on holiday together, but we just did not seem to ever discuss our feelings and I definitely waited too long before I asked him (months), but I think it was more because I knew the answer already and probably did not want to hear it, because I knew it would end whatever it was we had. In both cases, it was very much obvious that I liked them, otherwise I wouldn't want to kiss them or sleep with them. I even made the first move with one of them.
I just have a feeling I attract that type of socially awkward people and I like them a lot and then end up being hurt, because of that. And I don't seem to be attracted to what my friends would call "normal, attractive" guys. It seems to me, that maybe I have an issue that I am drawn to these people, for some reason. I don't know whether it's low self esteem or something else, but it seems to be the case. My previous boyfriends were also of a similar type and the relationships ended really badly, because it turned out they had a LOT of issues going on that you just can't fix.

[TheEvilJester]

Well, define intimate. Did you kiss? If so, was it ever on the lips? If so, was it ever passionate, such as making out?

Did you ever actually sleep with either of them? Feel free not to answer any of my questions if you are not comfortable with them. However, I am just trying to get an idea of how far things went.

If the answer is yes to any or all of those questions, then I think the problem isn't you, the problem is the jerks for whom you somehow keep falling. Because it is not okay to do all those things if you don't have romantic feelings for somebody. Those kind of things send VERY clear signals that you are not just interested in a person as a friend.

You did nothing wrong because you WERE interested in them as more than friends. But, what kind of person goes from doing those things with you one day to suddenly only liking you as a friend the next day? A jerk, if you ask me. I can't even see how that would be a matter of being socially awkward. Even somebody who is socially awkward should know things like that = relationship, not friends.

Also, you mention that your friends think you are not typically attracted to "normal, attractive" guys. Can you clarify what that means? What kind of guys do you tend to find attractive, or to which do you tend to be drawn? Listen, I can be pretty socially awkward myself. It is hard for me to know how to relate to "normal" people. You know.... because I'm not normal. But even I would interpret somebody making out with me as them liking me romantically.

Good luck. You need to open your heart to a man, not a boy. Seems like you've been unfortunate enough to find a lot of boys playing men in real life.

[katyk]

Ha ha....evil jester.....yes define 'normal' Is there such a thing?

Back to you Sana, you just picking the wrong ones hon or they are picking you. Remember that saying you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince charming...well yep, nothing surer! One thing you mustn't do is sit and dwell or try to fathom people out! One day you will meet someone who won't confuse you, who will enjoy being with you and who will mean what they say! Some people enjoy the chase, some people lie on-line, some people just don't want a relationship but like the 'idea' of it. I always feel if you get to know someone in the flesh before dating its a lot clearer what type of people they are....but can't always happen like that I know....... keep on trucking tho!

[dontaskme]

First off, you shouldn't be sleeping with any guy until you've established that you are mutually exclusive. Don't blame the guys for getting free sex!

[Wakeup]

A virgin that turned down sex with a willing partner? Yea... something isn't quite ringing true there to me.