What does he want?

[lovemenot]

I think I am in a bit of a trouble and I have never asked anything on any forums before, so not sure what's the policy here, but I feel sorry for my friends having to listen to this over and over again and I really need some advice.
So here it goes:

I met this guy a few months ago. Tom - a friend of a friend. And lately we really hit it off. We spend a lot of time together. I spent the last few weekends entirely with him. We chat and text every day, we meet on any possible occasion, we go to movies together, gallery openings, museums, various events, to dinners, lunches, breakfast even, etc.. We went out drinking and dancing few times. Sometimes just the two of us, sometimes with other friends (no matter his friends or mine, we always invite each other). I am at his place very often, watching movies and sleeping there (separate beds mostly) every weekend for the last few weeks...
Once he kissed me on the forehead, like a really strong long kiss, not just a little peck (which I read is a sign of high appreciation, respect, adoration...or isn't it?) we also slept together cuddling a few times, and we made out once and he fingered me a couple of times as well...(we never actually had sex). And when we are sleeping and cuddling, he always holds me so tight and presses me against his chest and it feels so good and so right...but the the next morning we are "just friends" again. And it's not like he is using me for sex, cuz we aren't actually having sex...And last weekend for the first time we slept together in his bed all night holding each other (didn't have sex) and before that we watched movies cuddling tightly and he fingered me again, but this time it was much more intense and serious, not just some little game, but like full on fingering till I came, and I tried to give him at least a handjob, but he pulled away...so it's not like he is using me... And we are really good friends by now - we get a long great, we always have a great time together, we joke around and make each other laugh and we can talk about loads of serious things too...and then there are all these cuddles and fingers and kisses (he kissed me on the cheek a couple of times last weekend, never kisses me on the lips though - WHY IS THAT? - except that one time when we made out being drunk...)
So everything would be great except that by this time I really like him and have a major crush on him and I would love for this whole thing to turn out into something real, but I have no idea how I should handle all of this and even less ideas about what he thinks and what he wants... And he is a really really great guy, who I feel we could be great together, so I really don't want to screw this up....

Any ideas, suggestions advice and opinions are highly appreciated:) please, help me figure this all out.

[TheEvilJester]

Well, it could just be me, but that really doesn't sound like a "just friends" kind of relationship. So, my instinct would be that he IS interested in you as more than friends. Maybe he's just been too shy to come out and say it.... which is a little weird considering everything you two have done, but hey, we're all weird. I can understand being crazy shy.

It can sometimes be hard for me to relate to "normal" guys, though, because I'm far from normal. I mean, reading your story, my thought would be he really likes you too. But that could just be the hopeless romantic part of me talking. Normally my suggestion to you would be to start off subtly giving hints that you like him to see how he responds. At this point, though, I think it sounds like you are both well past subtle hints. I mean, I don't think people tend to make out with somebody who is just their friend, drunk or not. I don't drink, so it isn't like I know from experience, but I've heard that being drunk doesn't necessarily make you do things you absolutely wouldn't do otherwise. For example, you don't drink and suddenly turn into a murderer when you are Ned Flanders in your normal life. So, if you two made out while drunk, I feel like chances are it is something he would have wanted to do anyway.

Again, I could be wrong, though. I guess if he doesn't make a real move to discuss/define your relationship, it wouldn't hurt if you try to do so first. Just something very casual, kind of saying you like him and don't mean any pressure, but are just curious what exactly he considers you. His girlfriend? His friend? His friend with benefits? Don't be afraid to be a little assertive and tell him what you want and see if he agrees. I am a little old fashioned in that I feel like the guy ideally should be the one to make the first move, but I don't think there is anything wrong with the woman doing it instead, especially if it seems like the guy may not do it.

Good luck.

[Wakeup]

Have you felt his dick through his jeans? It sounds like he's trying to get you sexually hooked before he lets you view his sausage or his cocktail weanie... whichever the case may be. lol

What does he want?

I agree a lot with what EJ is saying. As well I'll suggest you stop this little game and get it straightened out ((pun intended)) one way or the other because all this is doing is, like I said, getting you addicted to the orgasms and him being in your life and if you don't find out what it is he's doing (not letting you do anything to him, not labelling what it's all about, not knowing his intentions) then you're going to slowly drive YOURSELF crazy and right out of any self-esteem you currently are with.

Talk to him and leave us and your friends out of it.

Good luck.

[lovemenot]

Thank you guys a lot.
I have a similar feeling that maybe he is just shy, like EJ says. Cuz I have other guy friends, that I would never make out with, let alone go further than that, even being totally wasted...And, yes, we are way passed subtle hints, so I guess I will have to be the one to make the move ant talk to him...(damn that's difficul...)

[Panama]

Maybe he is a virgin

[lovemenot]

but I told all this to a guy friend yesterday and I think he told me what's actually going on. He says that if a guy hasn't had sex for a long time, it becomes very nerve wrecking to him he becomes shy and nervous about it and scared to screw it up...(my friend even said, it's similar like being a virgin again..). and it's very likely that's the case, cuz his last relationship ended like a year ago or more and he is not one of those who will just sleep around with anything..

[TheEvilJester]

The only thing I don't quite get is that you have tried to "return the favor" so to speak and he stops you. I mean, I'm not like normal guys, so I could be wrong here... However, I thought your typical guy would tend never to turn down such an offer.

I can say this, me not exactly being your typical guy, I actually very well could turn down such an offer, and that wouldn't necessarily automatically mean I'm not interested in the gal romantically. I could be majorly crushing on a girl, but I might still turn down an offer like that because it wouldn't feel right to me if we weren't yet officially together. To me, those are the sort of things I do in a relationship, not with somebody I'm hoping may become a relationship. But, I readily admit that may just be me.

So, maybe some guys on this board who trend a little more towards the "normal" than I do could chime in with thoughts on that one.

[lovemenot]

thanks. I was also very surprised that he did that. which kinda rules out the "friends with benefits" cuz apparently he isn't after the "benefits"..and also that he would use me for sex, cuz he doesn't...so I am still leaning towards, that maybe he is just shy and nervous after not having sex for a long time. that would cover the no-sex part.

but how about kissing on the mouth? why would he kiss me rather passionately on the forehead, and these little cheeky kisses on the cheeks, but wouldn't go for my mouth. reminds me a lot of Julia Roberts rule in pretty woman - never kiss. But at least to me kissing is as intimate as holding each other tightly cuddling and sleeping wrapped around each other all night.... What would your thoughts be on that?

Also, if I may ask, why do you say you "are not normal"? What's not normal about you?

[Wakeup]

It doesn't rule out "friends with benefits" just because he's not getting any. HIS benefit may be the fact that your arousal is his pleasure.

You need to cut out the bullshit and just ask him what his deal is. Us guessing and you assuming isn't helping you figure him out in the least.

Talk to him and then let us know what he says.

[TablesandChairs]

Honestly, the fact that after a month or whatever he hasn't even kissed you on the mouth...but will make out with your forehead and cheeks...well, it's weird.

You may as well ask him outright; not in an accusatory way or anything, just more out of curiousity.

[lovemenot]

he hasn't kissed me on the mouth, cuz officially we're not dating, we're friends...who cuddle....and sleep together sometimes....and feel each other up...yeah it's weird..i am gonna talk to him.

[JohanD]

THERE IS NO DOUBT THAT HE LIKES YOU A LOT!! I even seems like he is in love with you.
There is something he is nervous/ shy about like mentioned above:

It might be that he is afraid of not satisfying you sexually other than with his fingers. He probably had one or two previous experiences that really put him off. And I think it has something to do with his penis size or something it that genre..

You should absolutely talk to him and talk the initiative, because whatever it is, he is to nervous to take the first step although he really wants to share something with you.

[lovemenot]

thank you JohanD, I will absolutely talk to him. Although I am so nervous to do that, I start sweating just thinking about it...but will have to take the initiative

[dontaskme]

Does he ever kiss you on the mouth passionately? Like French kissing you passionately?

- - - Updated - - -

Forget about question, I just read your answer.

I'm not sure what this guy is up to. You should be able to tell if a guy likes you a lot by the way he kisses you on the mouth, with passion or no passion.

Guys can have sex with women with no emotional attachment. They can just go straight to penetration and not kiss the woman on the mouth and that's how you can tell that the person is not into you, at least emotionally.

[lovemenot]

yeah I know the guys can just do that. but we never really had sex. well, once we were making out and almost had sex, but we were both too tired and drunk, so it didn't really work (if u know what i mean) so then he just fingered me, while kissing my neck and all and we french kissed a little and saw the way he was looking at me, there was definitely passion in his eyes...

oh well... I am just gonna talk to him and straighten this out, cuz like someone said, you guys guessing and me assuming, won't solve anything....

but thank you for all your opinions, was interesting and definitely useful hearing them