My girlfriend is 16 years older than me, should we break up?

[dontaskme]

Show her this thread you made that should settle it for you without having any more in depth if you actual did have any in depth discussions. I feel you already decided what you want to do so no point beating it to death in online posts.

^^^ That's just dumb! Why do you want to further insult the girlfriend??? The OP can speak for himself.

Don't show her your on line discussion OP. Be honest with how you feel when breaking up and if she truly loves you, she would understand and let you go. If you get back together sometime in the future, then you are meant to be, that's all, but give yourself time to experience life and other people.

[TheEvilJester]

You don't think that at his age (26 y/o) and his lack of experience in serious relationship, he doesn't owe it to himself to get involve with other relationships with girls closer to his age before deciding to settle down with a much older woman?

OP, you owe to yourself to at least undergo different relationship experiences. The age gap is a big problem now, and it will be in the future. No matter what the other posters say, I've seen this happen too many times where the other partner is way too old but went through living or getting married with the partner anyway, only to eventually be separated or divorced and I'm sure you have ideas why these sort of things happen.

Well, as you may have seen in the rest of my response, yes I do admit that 16 years is a big difference, especially at his age. It's just that age alone shouldn't be the deciding factor. If the two of them are perfectly happy together, it is no reason to end it just because there is such a big age difference.

On the other hand, things like him wanting to have the possibility to have children (whether he winds up wanting them or not) are definitely good reasons to think of the possibility that the relationship isn't right for him. That would be an example of a good reason to reconsider that is related to their age difference. Mainly, my point was age ALONE shouldn't be a reason to break up if you are in an otherwise happy relationship and could potentially see a future in it.

All that said, I do personally feel 16 years is too much of a difference. At least at his age. I would personally not want to date somebody with that much age difference. But, that is just my personal opinion. If the two of them were perfectly happy together, who am I to tell them that is wrong? Sounds like he may be having second thoughts, though. So, he certainly shouldn't string her along forever, but also shouldn't take the decision lightly.

[woody]

When I turned 30 I was attracted to a man in his late 60's. Never pursued it due to personal reasons but his age did not factor in, at least, not allot.
While I agree that if two people dig each other, age is irrelevant, there are other factors here. The O.P is young but old enough to know what he wants, what fits in his life.. Perhaps he finds ladies in his age range rather immature for him and the experience this 42 year old has is comforting to him; offers him more.
Yet he also says this is his first real relationship. Does he owe it to himself to play the field a little more? Well, that's his choice.
Many would argue that if and when your blessed enough to even meet someone you get on with well, the last thing you do is rock the boat and risk losing them.
I'm curious what this lady thinks. She must have some turmoil as well regarding the whole 'baby making' thing. But many ladies are having healthy babies well into their early 40's these days. But he asked us not to focus on that so i'll stop.
Bottom line is, 16 years is quite the age gap but if he's in love with her and she him, well then, as they say, 'Love knows no bounds'
Yet if he is having some doubts, he'll need to explore them thoroughly before jumping or staying put.
What ever he decides, may it be for the right kind of reasons.
I wonder what his Mother thinks.

[dontaskme]

While I agree that if two people dig each other, age is irrelevant, there are other factors here. The O.P is young but old enough to know what he wants, what fits in his life.. Perhaps he finds ladies in his age range rather immature for him and the experience this 42 year old has is comforting to him; offers him more.

Yes, at his age at least he is old enough to know and feel that somehow, this relationship is not the right one for him and that is why he is having doubts!

Yet he also says this is his first real relationship. Does he owe it to himself to play the field a little more? Well, that's his choice.
Many would argue that if and when your blessed enough to even meet someone you get on with well, the last thing you do is rock the boat and risk losing them.

Absofukcinlutely! It's not about playing the field. It is experiencing what is out there for him beside this "mature woman" so he will not regret later in life not meeting other "younger" women and feel like he missed out on something.
I'm in my 20's and I am very mature, independent, and emotionally (and financially as well) secure, so yes, there are Younger women (in their late 20's, early 30's) out there who are who are mature, independent and emotionally secure and he does owe it to himself to find the person that fits the bill.

Would you rather have him do this when he is married to the "mature girlfriend" and start wondering how it is to be out there and have a relationship with someone else?

He may get on well with her now but I can guarantee you 99% that that will eventually change. They've only been together 3 years. Wait till they live together for a couple of years, then they will really feel the age difference between them, and by then, if they do break up, it will be more difficult for the girlfriend to find a meaningful relationship because she will be much older.

Bottom line is, 16 years is quite the age gap but if he's in love with her and she him, well then, as they say, 'Love knows no bounds'
Yet if he is having some doubts, he'll need to explore them thoroughly before jumping or staying put.

Love is not enough to sustain a relationship. How many people breakup for other reasons beside the absence of love? We know that love is not the issue here. Eventually, the girlfriend and the OP will change physically, mentally and emotionally.
1) What do you think will happen once the woman starts changing physically and the OP will no longer find her to be physically and sexually attractive?
2) What happens when the girlfriend's sex drive dips down the bottom of the well and will one day find out that they are no longer sexually compatible?
3) What about in terms of energy level when the older one suffers all sorts of ailments and the other still remains physically healthy (of course, cause he is only 16 years younger!)?
4) Life goals will eventually matter. At the age of 40, the OP will be at the pinnacle of his career while the girlfriend will be preparing for retirement.
5) Incompatibility... Because they are in different stages in life as a couple, their lives, interests, and dreams will change and grow apart as they get older, and that can lead to unhappiness and dissatisfaction.
I could go on and on with this but I can tell you that there are a million reasons why the OP needs to go out there first before deciding on "sealing his fate" with the "mature" girlfriend.
You guys love fairy tale movies and endings but we all know that given the statistics between people who are in relationships with such a huge disparity in their ages, it's not looking good for the OP.

[Harpo]

Well I just want to say that I've been reading what you guys have written and things are not getting clearer, but I have even more stuff to consider.

I will have to sit down some day and just ponder and think for a few hours, weigh pros and cons and make a decision.

I have been thinking about it from time to time during the relationship ofcourse, but at the end of the day we have always been happy together so it's hard to break it up. We have never once had a fight for example. She is mature but also energetic, for example we sometimes go on bike rides and I get tired before she does!

I have to admit that I have been thinking about her physical changes too as someone mentioned. She is beautiful but I'm afraid I might not be as attracted to her in say 10 years, what then..? (this is of course only speculation, as I have no idea how she will change).

Someone wondered what my mother thinks? Well I don't know, but my parents have met her and they haven't said anything negative about our relationship. But I suppose they wouldn't say it in front of me IF they had a problem with it...

I'm wondering if I have a hard time breaking up because I'm not used to it (first relationship), or because I love her too much. It seems so easy for other people.

Anyway, thanks for the food for thought.

[katyk]

Hi Harpo, Good luck. You hit the nail on the head....... as there is a heck of a lot of speculation and assumptions being thrown about. Nobody knows how anything works out. I agree with Evil Jester (as I more often than not do agree with him Age, by itself should not be the problem. The fact you are questioning your relationship is! This can happen at any time and any relationship whether older, younger or same age. It isn't a forgone that you will not find her attractive in her 60's or 70's (look how men swoon over Helen Mirren for instance) and you won't remain the same either. It also isn't a forgone that she will get ill or that you won't for that matter? or that she will lose her sex drive and you won't. Nothing is as straight forward as that.

[woody]

[MENTION=76442]dontaskme[/MENTION] Lots of good points there. Yes, the O.P has much to consider here; and yes, perhaps due to this being his first relationship and the lack of experience regarding 'break up' procedures, 'that' has more to do with it over the 16 yr age gap issue.
Anyway, hopefully they'll figure it out one way or the other. I'm sure they both learned allot from each other. May their decision be amicably reached.

[TheEvilJester]

Harpo,

I must say I do wish we could be of more help and perhaps be a little more specific in our advice. The truth is, though, this just isn't a black or white answer. Age CAN be a cause for incompatibility for a number of reasons. I think everybody has done a good job of illustrating those here, especially with dontaskme's examples.

I would also agree that you should not settle just because this is your first serious relationship. I wouldn't say that this automatically means you should get out there and explore more. Hell, if you were lucky enough to find THE ONE in your first relationship, why would you toss them aside thinking you should play the field a little more? At the same time, though, you don't want to fall into the trap of thinking somebody is THE ONE just because they are your first (or even current).

You have started to have doubts, so that is definitely a sign that you AT LEAST need to give some serious thought to the issues. Unfortunately, nobody can really help you much. I wish we could, but it will have to be your decision. In the end, you have to decide if the age difference and related possible issues are enough of a big deal that you think perhaps this is not the right relationship for you.

This isn't a decision you want to take lightly, because if you do decide to end it, chances are fairly slim that you could get her back if you later decide you have made a mistake. Yet, at the same time you owe it to yourself and to her not to string this along for too long. Especially for her, since she is much older than you. If you string it along for years, that only makes it that much harder for her to have a chance to find who she should really be with.

Good luck, friend. I hope you figure out what it is you want, and I wish you the best in pursuing it.

[dontaskme]

as there is a heck of a lot of speculation and assumptions being thrown about. It isn't a forgone that you will not find her attractive in her 60's or 70's (look how men swoon over Helen Mirren for instance) and you won't remain the same either. It also isn't a forgone that she will get ill or that you won't for that matter? or that she will lose her sex drive and you won't.

Helen Mirren, lol.

^^^Those aren't assumptions BTW... They are... unfortunately, facts. Sickness and ailments are more common with older people than younger ones. Cancer, high blood pressure, heart problems, etc begin to happen at a much older age, that's not even rocket science for someone to know. And yes, women start to accumulate unwanted fats and wrinkles (unless they go for surgical procedures) at every undesirable places no matter how much they exercise or whatever cream they put on their faces. That is simple anatomy, again, not rocket science for some simple minded people not to know. Even the OP at his age is starting to wonder and worry about that.

Women's sexual drive starts to dip down as they age also which is not the same with men. Men's sexual drive is often higher than women and that's why at a much older age, some men opt for younger women to match their sexual energy. You want to stick your guns to the OP by playing a game of chance, go right ahead. But I'm trying to be sensible and bring experience from my work to help the OP figure things out.

[katyk]

My point exactly don'taskme ...a lot of assumptions! I don't have the answers but then neither do you! You are 'generalising' once again (didn't we have this discussion on another thread). What you fail to do is read posts clearly. If you did you would understand that I am not advocating the OP carries on, just pointing out that it isn't all cut and dried - i.e. a definite no, no because she may (or may not) look ugly at some point in the future. She may always look beautiful to the OP - who knows? Its a bit shallow to suggest love is only there so long as the glamour is don't you think? I also don't think the OP is looking for anyone to tell him what to do exactly, more a collection of opinions for him to work through. For that reason each and every one of the posters have some valid points and some not so valid.

[dontaskme]

Once again, those I mentioned aren't assumptions, they are valid facts, and just in case you failed to see in the OP's last post, the physical aspect is something that is of a concern to him 10 years down the line and in most cases, even with women, it is a concern (why do you think botox is such a big money making industry?). It is also not generalizing when I say that older people tend to have ailments than younger people. It's not cut and dry but I'm sure the OP doesn't want to play Russian roulette when it comes to his future. BTW, in our family business, we have clients that have this kind of problem now. Sad because most of these people are good people, just didn't work towards the end because of... oh well, the issues that I mentioned above.

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Its a bit shallow to suggest love is only there so long as the glamour is don't you think?

^^^ That is unfortunate but it is true for some people.

[katyk]

I don't want to turn this into a debate as this isn't a debate board but dontask me they ARE assumptions because you are assuming that everyone is the same at a certain age in their lives. You might be basing your answers on your family business (whatever that is) I am basing my posts on witnessed 'Life Experiences'. You can't beat it and whilst you are quoting statistics, I am saying real life doesn't always follow text books. I could quote numerous examples of exceptions to the rule - not from books - but that would be futile as I am not trying to encourage anyone to do anything. Its OP's choice and his decision at the end of the day. I am not disputing what you say only that you appear to have a very blinkered outlook on life in general.

[dontaskme]

^^^ Law business Katyk where couples want to dissolve their union. What can be more factual than that? My family is in this business for a long time now. As a matter of fact, my father's latest client is worth $5,000,000, married a much younger peasant and they have two young beautiful children. After 15 years of marriage, the woman decided to have an affair with a local postal guy and the affair lasted over a year until the husband discovered what the wife was up to. The husband (of course due to practical reasons) do not want a divorce. My dad, believe it or not, is trying to counsel them not get a divorce. When he asked the wife why she cheated, she said that she was unhappy and she did not find the husband as handsome as he used to be plus she liked doing things that the husband did not enjoy and vice versa.

What can be more real than dealing with multiple clients with different relationship issues in real life versus just a few number of people that you actually know?

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I am not disputing what you say only that you appear to have a very blinkered outlook on life in general.

I'm not narrow minded BTW, I'm just more sensible than you are and I happen to base my suggestions on factual experiences and events probably more than you do (who seem to personally know so many people who have relationship issues), lol.

[katyk]

There you go again....making assumptions lol...."I'm just more sensible than you are" I rest my case your honour! PMSL

[dontaskme]

^^^ I guess you're an "old fart" with a bladder problem to be pissing at yourself while laughing.

Sorry OP. I promise to derail your thread no more.