Boyfriend's Sexually-Illicit Past Has Me In Knots

[in.love.]

Hi all, new here...

I want to say, I love my boyfriend very much. We've known each other for decades, and have dated for 8 months now. Good man, good father. I'm going to admit; yes, I was snooping through his phone out of boredom. I was up late last night, and he was asleep, and his phone was sitting right next to me. I just browsed through it, expecting to find nothing. I know it's wrong to snoop, but c'mon, we're all guilty of it. So no comments please about "you shouldn't have looked through his stuff," etc. because I already know that.

While I was snooping, I found out that, while we were in the "just talking" phase of our relationship that he was hooking up via Craigslist in a very illicit way; he was talking to some guy about what seemed to be an orgy. The text message said there were 6 to 9 guys involved, and women. My boyfriend had previously admitted to me that he's had a threesome, but I put one's past in the past where it belongs. But this orgy which took place happened three times, and there were two guys there taking pictures and filming my boyfriend doing sexual stuff with this chick. He said it was his first time in the text messages, and he was nervous. But he went to this "party" anyway, and then there were following texts between him and this guy about setting up future parties, when they would be, which hotel, what room, etc. It was really disturbing. There was also a pic sent from the guy of a previous party where a blonde chick is giving a guy a blowjob while another guy is having sex with her from behind. Uhhh...

This happened while we were "just talking" and not in a relationship yet, but were definitely leading up to one. We weren't "official" until May 4, and this happened right before that. It honestly creeps me out that he was hooking up with chicks for orgies on Craigslist of all places. It makes me worried about STD's, and I want to bring this up to him to make sure that he used protection. I'm also hurt, and it makes me feel like he's kinda cheap all of a sudden. I feel bad saying that, but it's true. I love my boyfriend dearly, and I realize that he's just a horny little bastard and experimented. But it makes me view him in a different light, and I want to talk to him about this. But I don't know how. I feel kinda cheap, too, like our sex life suddenly lost some of its intimacy. I guess I'm just looking for comforting words, advice, etc. I definitely don't want to talk to my friends about this. Please be nice? thanks!

[Wakeup]

You snooped and now you want to talk about it. So talk about it and quit worrying that you're going to look like the snoop that you are. You can't make up lies to make yourself look better then a snoop, that would be dishonest so just tell him what you saw and that you'd like to talk to him about it.

First you best know what is and isn't a deal breaker for you. Don't just listen for the words you want to hear while dismissing your own personal boundaries and deal breakers just so you can continue to be with him while you don't trust him or feel the emotional connection to him now that you know what he's capable of.

What "comforting words" could possibly actually be "comforting" now that you have discovered that he isn't quite who you thought he was? Telling you that was in his past wouldn't be accurate because for all you know (we certainly wouldn't) he's still very much wanting to do threesomes and sex parties and is just waiting for the right moment to ask you to join him in that. (like I said, don't tear down your own relationship and personal boundaries to accommodate him.)

[pcmaster]

Well in the end he chooses you. That means you are better. There are people who does these parties all the time and dont even need relationship. looks like your BF is not like that. It looks like you changed the guy for the better. He might have fallen in love with you. Maybe he knew he will fall for you so wanted to experience freedom and do something crazy before he settles down.

[Wakeup]

That is exactly what most naïve women think when they get with players... that they will be the one to change him. Perhaps you are the one but make sure you talk to one another about relationship boundaries that you both expect the other to adhere to and what your personal boundaries are and what you will not accept into your life. You can do that by communicating in a calm and matter of fact way.

Its very, very important that you have personal boundaries that are strong and make you confident and show that you value yourself. That is THE only way you will find a good LIFEmate that has your same goals and values.

[pcmaster]

Think Wakeup is being sarcastic here.

[in.love.]

Wakeup,
I'm okay with his past, because it doesn't affect "us". However, it is rather disturbing that he's into the group sex thing...especially by hooking up with people from Craigslist. It honestly kinda makes me feel like there's a fantasy niche of his that I just can't satisfy, and that hurts.

I would never try to change anyone...but he HAS changed A LOT since we started dating; everyone around us has noticed it. I'm dearly in love with him, and accept him for who he is. I mostly just want advice on how to go about confronting him...what to say, what to ask, etc. because my mind is abuzz....

- - - Updated - - -

Dear pcmaster,

Yes, he is definitely in love with me, and I am in love with him Other people have told me that in private, he says wonderful things about me and says that we were made for each other. I accept his past, since I of course have my own baggage...not sexually, but family drama. I believe that love is about accepting someone for who they are, and I accept that. Thanks for your advice and kind words.

[TablesandChairs]

Many people have the casual old snoop-through-the-phone moment in their relationships...from what I've noticed, it usually happens when people realise they're in very deeply and a bit of panic sets in. Unfortunately for you, you found way more than anyone would bargain for. Firstly, validate your feelings - it's normal to feel shocked given what you've viewed. Those video's should have been deleted when the two of you became exclusive. It's also normal for some doubt and insecurity to set in. You didn't expect him to have been quite as promiscuous, daring and risky...now you're wondering if you're enough, if it's his nature to want threesomes/foursomes/fivesomes...and you're feeling kinda shitty that during a time when you thought it was just the two of you, even though nothing was set in stone yet - he was on Craigslist.

You need to get this out because it'll consume you otherwise. Admit that yes, you snooped and that wasn't 100% kosher, you know it, it's done. But given what you've found, you're finding yourself getting insecure. Have a conversation about it (a calm one, if possible). Yes, it's his past - but it did occur while you two were seeing each other so it's a bit hurtful nonetheless.

Once that's out in the open and hopefully the responses he gives you make you feel secure again, then obviously have some conversation around boundaries if you feel that's a bit up in the air (for example - hopefully he realises Craigslist is off the table now) and then try to just build on what you have, leaving the past where it belongs.

[Wakeup]

Think Wakeup is being sarcastic here.

No! I think you are purposely being obtuse though.

[tayhei]

I don't mean to point out your snooping was wrong. However, I do want to point out that, in a relationship, snooping would be a major deal breaker for me. It really rubs me the wrong way my significant other doesn't trust me enough, or is looking for things on my phone just because. I am a faithful person, but to me people like this can read into something discussed on my phone waaay too much and cause unnecessary drama. It feels they are looking for trouble and I don't want to be with a drama causing person. Way too high school for me.

This act would be the same as someone going through my drawers in my room, looking at my bank accounts just because they're curious, looking through documents and browser history on my computer, or my personal files I have in my room as well. I would rather someone just ask me if they're curious about something rather than looking for things to find out that they have a concern with something. These kind of people can make mounds into molehills...

I think you should be prepared for this when you talk to your bf about what you found on his phone since he may be the same way. It's one possibility.

[michelle23]

If i found what you found, i wouldn't be sticking around. You obviously have different views on intimacy and different personal boundaries. This would be a deal breaker. The fact he was arranging all of this whilst talking to you and trying to court you shows a lack of investment from the start on his part