Was what I did that horrible?

[Cool7]

Hi Everyone,

I'm hoping I can get an unbiased perspective on a situation I'm in with my now ex-girlfriend. We had been together since June, but had a 2 1/2 year relationship starting in 2009 and ending in 2012. We also saw each other for 9 months last year, although I wouldn't say we were "back together." We never thought anything would break us apart the first time, and we always talked about marriage and our future. We were each others true love. We originally broke up by some stupid decisions we made, no one cheated, but once things got really serious she wanted some space and I didn't react very well to her request. I honestly feel like we've never gotten over each other all those years because we were both never has happy as we were during our relationship.

So right after we broke up I fell into this deep depression. We were living together at the time, so when she moved out I now had the responsibility of paying double of what I was and I could barely scrape by. Our electric bill was in her name, and after she cancelled it, I didn't sign up for it again right away. At first, I was being billed by the rental company which I was able to make payments on. I was too irresponsible and couldn't bring myself to actually get everything taken care of the way it should have. Eventually, I stopped receiving bills from them, but my power was never turned off. I got away with it for two years, but after only a couple of months, I never even thought about it anymore.

Which brings us to the present now that we're back together. She was basically living with me again, but I never asked her to contribute to the bills. One day I came home from work to the power being out. I was the only one in the complex who had a problem, so I knew it had finally caught up to me. I called up my electric company and got everything taken care of, but I had to pay back a significant amount over the next year. I didn't want to tell my girlfriend about it. She always gets very stressed out about debt and money, so I thought that keeping this from her was the right thing to do. I didn't think I was doing anything wrong by not wanting to tell her something that happened 2 1/2 years ago when we weren't together, especially since it wasn't her responsibility or problem, and I had everything under control. So my first bill came and it said I had to pay back everything at that time. I was thinking "what the heck, I had a payment plan where I only had to pay an extra 1/12 of the original balance." I didn't want this hanging over my head anymore and I didn't want to owe such a large amount of money to the electric company. At that point, I decided I would ask my parents for a loan to pay them off, and then pay them back over the course of the year. I wasn't able to ask them right away after that because my dad was on a business trip for the week. During that same week, my girlfriend and I had a little trip we had planned for a long time together, and I wasn't going to deny her getting away for a few days because of a problem I was going to settle when I got back. The day we came home, the power was out again. It was only 6 days after the bill was due. I was completely shocked that it was turned off so soon, especially after two years of them not catching their oversight. But instead of being honest about everything, all I said was that the electric company made a mistake and overcharged me but it's taken care of and it will be back on in an hour or two. She didn't believe me at all, and after some yelling I eventually told her I owed them a significant amount of money, but I have a plan to pay it off and it's nothing that concerns her. She didn't care, she was so pissed that I didn't tell her the truth from the beginning that she left and went to stay at her mom's. I've been trying now for 6 weeks to explain to her everything that really happened, and to tell her why I did it.

I understand that lying is wrong and I believe she has every right to be upset about it, but since it didn't have anything to do with her I don't think that keeping this to myself is really lying. I know now for the future that no matter what it is I can't keep anything from her. So that's what I'm asking everyone here...Was it really that bad that I didn't tell her from the beginning? Was it wrong of me to want to keep this problem to myself? My motive was to not worry her, not stress her out, and not have her feel responsible for a mistake that I made so long ago. The reaction I received from her about it was exactly why I didn't want to tell her in the first place, she made it about her and felt that this was dragging her down. But I think she's making a much bigger deal out of it than needed, everything else in our relationship had been wonderful. The previous five months were as if we were finally where we both wanted to be. I always looked out for her best interests and I thought I was doing it this time too. And the fact that she has cut communication completely is heartbreaking. There are some other reasons why I felt as though I shouldn't have told her too, but this is long enough and that will make it much longer. If anyone would like to hear that to make a judgement, I can post it in the comments if you request. Can anyone give me some advice on this situation? Thank you!

[pcmaster]

After first two thirds of your story I said bitch, bitch, bitch.

You tried your best to pay bills didnt asked money from her did everything on your own and didnt wanted to worry her. And she screamed on you and once there was a little problems she left and went to her mum. She didnt stayed with you tru your worst and dont deserve you at your best. Girl showed her true colours and its good that shes gone. If not this then it would be something else for her to leave. Yes you could tell her earlier and she might have feeling now that she can trust you about paying bills. But still thats not reason to leave. If she wanted to work things out she would stay.

[Wakeup]

You really need to stop justifying yourself and looking for people to tell you what you did wasn't wrong. If you two ever get it right and actually get married then your debt becomes her debt and to hide that from her tells her that you know damn well you're irresponsible and lacsidasical about your responsibilities yet you go ahead with your folly anyway. Any girl would want a guy that is responsible and doesn't just let bills accumulate because the company hasn't caught them at their shit yet. Sheeesh!

Had you told her what happened before she let her guard down to become vulnerable to you yet again, how do you think she would have responded to your confession?

Anyway, she's not a bitch. She is someone who values responsibility and does not want to have to mother and caretake the man she has chosen to be in a romantic relationship with. Everyone wants someone who is together and has grown enough to not get themselves into this kind of trouble. You're telling her in your actions that you are not a good partner for the long haul. You're telling her what else are you capable of lying (or withholding) about. What other secret debt will you get yourself into?

Here's the thing: The fact you two keep breaking up is natures way of telling you you're not good together as LIFEmates so for both your sakes, I'm hoping she's smart enough to stay away from you for good and doesn't enable you to continue to be the irresponsible person you seem to be. If your parents bail you out, then they continue to enable you to not grow either.

Sit at the banquet of the consequences of YOUR actions so that you learn a lesson about life and growing up and being responsible. Pay the extra yourself and never do something dumb like that again.

As for her... let her go and don't keep in any contact with her. It's the only way the two of you are going to rehab from the addiction to one another ... an addiction that clearly has shown that you both needs to be rehabbed from.

[pcmaster]

Lights out and girl leaves. She left you in the dark. What a bich !


How To Tell If You're A Basic Bitch
[url]https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10152589477092807&set=vb.6363207806&ty pe=2&theater[/url]

[Wakeup]

Good women want men who have their shit together and don't let this kind of thing happen. Men who are well versed in problem solving, are good at communicating (not holding secrets that will affect them) and fiscally responsible. Some women may settle for men who don't have their shit together but those women usually don't have their shit together either so they make a good pair as they get themselves into trouble all through their lives.

Learn from your mistake, Op and strive to get your shit together. THAT is how you will meet someone who is going to be a good woman who will have your back when/if you ever need it.

[Cool7]

Thank you for your input Wakeup, but I have to disagree with you on some points. First of all, she never had to mother me for anything. The fact that I didn't share this with her is because I was taking the initiative to fix it. It wasn't her responsibility to help me out, I would never accept that from her. She has enough to deal with on her own, the last thing I wanted to do was drag her into this with me. This is one mistake I had made when it comes to that, I've always been diligent about paying my bills and not driving myself into debt. She was already in debt herself, and she hasn't been great with her finances. I didn't want to worry her with mine as well, especially since I had already began repairing my situation.

You're right, if we ever were to get married my debt becomes her debt. But we aren't married, we weren't close to being married. We talked about the future and how one day we would get married, but that was still a ways away. She wasn't living with me and we were only back together 5 months at the time. I was on the path to getting my shit together, not driving myself further into it. Which I have followed through on. I wouldn't have allowed her to move back in with me until it was all taken care of. Why is it necessary to tell her about it if it had nothing to do with her? I'm not allowed to keep anything to myself when I'm not married? She never enabled me to be irresponsible, I don't understand how you could jump to that conclusion. My parents have not bailed me out before, I've always been adamant about doing things on my own and this was the first time I went to them for a loan. I'm not the only person in the world who has needed help from their parents. The fact is, my irresponsibility stemmed back two and a half years ago. Granted during that time I never fixed the mistake, but that isn't to say that everything else is in shambles. If she wants to break up with me because of my debt, then fine I can understand that. That isn't why she did it though. She did it because she is under the assumption I bold faced lied to her. I didn't do that, I just never shared this with her. To just leave and never talk to me again after all that time together, that's not right. She never even came to get any of her things she left here because she refuses to talk to me. Now tell me, would you do that to someone you've had such a long history with?

[pcmaster]

I think her trust was broken before power problem. This just brake something that was very fragile.

[michelle23]

The fact is you lied and kept this from her and then when the electric went out TWICE, you covered it up again and again and continued to lie. It was only when she flipped out and smelt something wrong, you were forced to confess.

If you can lie to her about this then what else could you potentially hide from her? That is what she is thinking.

Plus these things usually start with one debt but if your not careful, it can turn serious fast, it can affect your credit rating, ability to get a mortgage etc and all those things do affect her too if your going to marry her.

Also she could have sat down with you and came up with a budget or savings plan to help you manage your finances better and ensure this doesn't happen again. If she felt included then this probably wouldn't have blown up in your face.

Relationships are about working together, team work and equal partnership. Her problems are yours and vice versa.. and when you live together, you both are meant to contribute. If your both working, you should both be contributing financially. If one isn't working they should contribute more in other ways like doing more around the house etc.. it doesn't have to be 50/50 but neither should feel 100% responsible for everything

[Cool7]

Yes, I kept it from her, but she wasn't living with me. She's been living with her mom. She didn't pay rent or have any financial responsibilities other than her car. At one point many years ago, yes we did live together. At that time, every bill was paid for equally, on time, and the only additional debt I had was my student loan which I have paid off finally after 10 years.

If she was living with me at the time, then yes this is absolutely her business and needs to know about it. But because she wasn't, I don't think it was imperative that she knew.

[Wakeup]

YOU don't think it was imperative that she knew but you've found out that to her, it was. (as well as it would have been to two other women (so far) that have posted.

Bottom line: I don't think you two were ever meant to be life mates and it's just as well that she's gone. Keep her that way and get on with your life and hopefully finding someone else that you feel you can confide in.

She did it because she is under the assumption I bold faced lied to her. I didn't do that, I just never shared this with her.

That is what is called a lie by omission which means you're hiding something from her and not including her in on important things going on in your life. All things that are hurtful to someone who is suppose to be your partner.

I guess it really doesn't matter now, it's over. What we think really has no way of helping you with that so, muh!

Good luck getting over her FOR GOOD. No do overs anymore.