Do I have any options?

[Birna]

Me and my boyfriend have been living together for the last 2 years, or well.. we are a few months short of it, anyway. The talk of babies surfaced when our friends announced that they will be having their 2nd child in july. He is being quite firm on not wanting to have children yet, whereas I have been wanting a child for the last 3 years.

He said and I quote "we can talk about this again in about 3 years or so" and well... I'm not sure I can wait that long, is there any way I can convince him that 3 years waiting has been a long time waiting for me and that waiting 3 more is a really big deal to me? or is there anything else I can do to take my mind of having kids until he is ready too?


thanks in advance

[TheEvilJester]

A few questions, I suppose. You can feel free not to answer any if you don't want, but I just wanted to put some context on things. How old are you two? Where are you career-wise? Is there any sign of moving forward with the relationship (ex: getting engaged, getting married, etc.)?

There's nothing wrong with you wanting children now, but at the same time there is nothing wrong with him not wanting them yet. However, it is VERY important to at least discuss it and decide if you two can at least come to an understanding with which you both feel comfortable. For example, if you want children within say the next year or so and that is make or break for you, but he doesn't even want to think about it for another three years and cannot budge on that, then perhaps you two are unfortunately not a match. That isn't a minor detail, that is a pretty big thing, and pretty important.

On the other hand, if you talk with him and he definitely does want children, he's just not sure when, that may be different. Maybe that would be something you can live with as long as their is some timeframe.

Bottom line, though, you don't want to just take him at his word, then wait 3 years and hope he will be ready. What if in 3 years he decides he doesn't want children at all? So, you definitely deserve an answer from him at least as to where he stands. Unfortunately, if you two cannot agree then that is a good reason to move on. If that does have to happen, you shouldn't blame him or act as though he did anything wrong. Again, if he doesn't want kids, or doesn't want them yet, there is nothing wrong with that. What would be wrong is if he led you own knowing you wanted kids, but fully aware that he did not.

You aren't going ton "convince" him to have kids sooner than he wants, and that could wind up blowing up on you if you did. But, it could be possible it is open to discussion for him. You won't know unless you ask, and he doesn't know how you feel unless you share. If he said that and you didn't discuss it any further, he may take that to mean you are okay with waiting 3 years and talking about it then.

[Wakeup]

Did he give you a reason why he wanted to wait three more years?

[woody]

So you've only know him and have been living together a couple years? Okay, well, that's not allot of time to know someone. He's a good man? Treats you well, all that? But he's not ready for baby making; well, few are. Yet you must respect the notion that he may not be ready and this 3 year thing may be for good reason. As TheEvilJester said and I agree, if his request is genuine and he's not just leading you down a made up path, then I see no problem (unless your clock is ticking and running out of time) but I don't think that's the case here. Your probably in your mid/late 20's I'm guessing? So, lots of time.

You just need to find out if he means it or not. Does he truly want kids eventually or is he unsure yet lacks the balls to be forthright about it?.... Either way, you've got some choices to make but I would suggest (if your young) there's lots of time for baby making and raising Family.
Often when our friends start making families, a pressure to follow suit presents itself. There are biological factors here. It comes down to you really. If you really want to be a Mother sooner rather than later and the drive is so strong, you need to have a serious talk with him. Perhaps a compromise will be amicably reached and 3 years will become 1, meaning, baby boots by 2.

You'll figure it out.

[fearoflove]

Convincing a man who doesn't have the goal of having kids any time soon otherwise is a difficult task. I don't know how the culture is like in your country but where I am from, there are sufficient number of men who do share goals of having that family life. Maybe you need to find another man who is on the same page.

[smackie9]

Dump him......with that kind of attitude towards having children, it's likely he doesn't really want them at all...well just not with you anyways.

[Birna]

we have known each other for longer than we have lived together... it would be a little weird to meet and just immediately move in together, there has been talk of marriage and kids, he's said that he want's to wait a little longer on both, I'm fine with waiting with the marriage for however many years he wants, that is not a big deal to me, but perhaps I can talk with him again and see if those 3 years are definite, he may have thrown out a number he thought would be sufficient to, I don't know, make me stop talking... he was quite tired at the time... so I'll take your advice, talk to him again and if he's really stuck on either not wanting kids at all I'll consider my options, perhaps a pet would be a better choice to begin with anyway...

yes I am 23 and he is 27 so there really is plenty of time... altho I have been getting a lot of pressure from both my family and his, as well as some of our friends... and I've always wanted kids, I suppose there is no rush..

[woody]

Yes dear Lady, you have plenty of baby making years ahead of you and although your fam and some friends may be pressuring you to jump into the Motherhood, 'that' choice, is yours and your mans. Not theirs.

[smackie9]

Oh good lord you should wait until you are at least say 26, 27. You have so much life to live and enjoy. I say travel, meet people, make new experiences. Trust me when I say this....marriage is no picnic. Raising kids is no fairytale either. It takes hard work, your life is put on hold, and there are some trying times, So please keep that in mind that it it's always blissful. ENJOY YOUR YOUTH free from those responsibilities.

[TheEvilJester]

You are young. I don't know what the culture/expectation may be in your country, so I can't necessarily comment on that. To me, though, 23 is too young to be having kids yet anyway. At that point, you are barely really even an adult yourself yet. In the US, you are legally considered an "adult" at 18, but I honestly think it takes almost another decade before you REALLY are.

I would also very much agree that marriage is not to be taken lightly. Take it from somebody who DID NOT take marriage lightly..... and it still went to Hell anyway (largely due to a partner who chose to pretend to be somebody she wasn't until marriage, and then revealed her true nature, and not in a good way, little by little).

That said, nobody should tell you how to live your life. So, if, for whatever reason you want kids now, that is your decision. Again.... if YOU want kids now. That should not be up to your family to pressure you, nor your friends. Hell, even if you never want kids, that is your business and nobody else's but your significant other.

Sounds like you have your next steps in mind, so for now not much else we need to say. I wish you the best of luck. I hope it works out for you.