He can be so mean to me, is the hurt and feeling worthless worth staying?

[hunterprincess]

I suffer from the common plight of wounded bird syndrome. Rationality tells me if I am this unhappy and my self destructive behavior is becoming worse through my needs not being met in my relationship then I should leave. At the same time I am so fearful of doing something I can regret. I have never belonged anywhere in life, save outside my family unit. I want so badly to belong somewhere and to feel wanted, that I put up stuff that is degrading to my character. I just don't know. We all come with problems. Relationships are work. At some point I have to realize am I asking him to change who hw is or is this who he is ? Taking a look at him as who he is there is not much I dislike, I feel like my main issues are the dynamic of the relationship- how we interact and communicate. I think that is another reason I put up with so much.

[dontaskme]

Another BS excuse. Quit defending the dirtbag!

How are you supposed to know and feel how a good relationship is if you're too afraid to leave the dysfunctional one and try something new that can possibly be better for you?

Perhaps you're attracted to misery and drama! Some people are just like that. I can sense that you are one of them. People with self respect wouldn't tolerate a scumbag like your BF.

[Wakeup]

I suffer from the common plight of wounded bird syndrome. Rationality tells me if I am this unhappy and my self destructive behavior is becoming worse through my needs not being met in my relationship then I should leave. At the same time I am so fearful of doing something I can regret. I have never belonged anywhere in life, save outside my family unit. I want so badly to belong somewhere and to feel wanted, that I put up stuff that is degrading to my character. I just don't know. We all come with problems. Relationships are work. At some point I have to realize am I asking him to change who hw is or is this who he is ? Taking a look at him as who he is there is not much I dislike, I feel like my main issues are the dynamic of the relationship- how we interact and communicate. I think that is another reason I put up with so much.

Obviously you didn't read the links I provided or you would know that you do not suffer from "wounded bird syndrome" but are dreadfully codependent as well as a caretaker rather then a caregiver.

You have no personal boundaries either which makes you vulnerable to accepting the mistreatment of others (not just your romantic interests). That mistreatment could be as small as letting your boss take advantage of your good nature, being unable to say no to doing above and beyond what your job title pays or expects, to as important as perpetually being unsatisfied, hurt, disrespected and abused by a romantic partner or said boss/job but never getting yourself out of the situation or even stating what you're feeling taken advantage of.

When you don't have boundaries, when you feel guilty saying "no do not do/say that to me" then you get what you've always gotten. Which is treated like shit.

You CAN NOT change him, you have no ability to do such a thing. He is who can change him and if he's not willing, then you are to go to the only person you have 100% control over changing and that is YOURSELF. You change yourself by honing your personal boundaries by not being afraid to ask for your needs (but first you must know what your expectations are so that you can effectively communicate them to your partner so he has a chance to remedy.) If after you calmly and matter of factly tell him that his disrespect of you won't be tolerated any further and that this is what you need from him in order for the relationship to continue he doesn't give that... then you mean what you say and you leave.

You'd do very well to get into therapy with someone who is proficient in codependency and or join a codependents anonymous support group... You "put up with so much" because its ingrained.

Here is another link. Do yourself a favor and fking read it.

[url=http://serenityonlinetherapy.com/what_is_coda-really.htm]What is Codependency, Really? Online Counseling Therapy for Codependency with a Licensed Therapist[/url]

[hunterprincess]

I apologize, I did not see your links on the last post, I was on my phone and now I am on my computer. I can definitely see how I fit the codependency bill. At the same time though, I have a lot of personal struggles. I am starting therapy this week, thank God. As a person, I seek validation for everything, which I know is a bad thing. If I give a gift and I do not get the reaction I foresaw in my head, I assume I have done something wrong. My self confidence is controlled by what others tell me. If my mom says I should start working out more, I hear you are fat, which in turn means I am ugly. Everything I do, everything I say, I need a pat on the back a 'atta girl.' My relationship now, is the first time someone outside of my family has stayed in my life. I have gone through friend after friend, who were not being friends with me because they liked me, they befriended me, because my parents have money and took my friends on vacations, because I had a car/license, to use as a butt of a joke, etc. My problems go way deeper than the relationship I am in and I am concerned that my own issues are in my head more than in the relationship.

[Wakeup]

Glad to hear you're going into therapy because like I said, its only you that you have control over changing and as you become aware of your own destructive thought process and strive to change that, you will not see the value in this man like you do now if he continues to be like he is. The good news is that as you improve your personal boundaries and confidence and self-worth you will be able to nip his disrespect in the bud without feeling guilty. When he knows you're not there to take his garbage, then he will (hopefully if he's not a complete ass) start showing you respect and value.

You also won't give to get praise but simply because you feel like giving and you'll stop having unvoiced expectations that make you disappointed but instead you'll clearly state your expectations without suffering guilt and if what you ask for isn't forthcoming then you'll have the confidence to leave.

Good for you for taking that step to work with a therapist. You're finally looking out for yourself, you, that one person you have control over changing. Here's to the best you that you can be.

[pcmaster]

Has the banana started to rot or is it just bruised?

Ha ha I laughted at this one. Funny quote you have there.

It seems like you both are bruised bananas. Just he have turned his bruise against you while you are trying to be good banana.

Well only you can decide if and when to leave this relationship. Right now at the stage this relationship is its risky for you cause it can damage you even more. You have to decide are you actually getting something out of it or losing more. Will you be better of alone? Again only you can know this.

There is a chance that this relationship becomes better but you have to decide how long you can stay and wait for a miracle.
Till then i suggest you concentrate on yourself look for support at friends and spend time on nature and doing sports. Anything thats good for you where you can do what you like and whats helping you feel better. Finding that other world that thing that helps you escape reality in a good way will help you survive this abuse and make your life bearable.