need some serious help here guys RE: the ex girlfriend of 5 years.

[mercuri1990]

Hi girls, i need some serious advice here.

So I broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years because I was going through some serious depression and I couldn't talk to anyone about it, not her, not family not friends.. I explained why i broke up with her after seeking some advice/help with doctors a few months later and now I am in the best place I have ever been in my life apart from having her by my side.

2 months after the break up i tried to get her back but she informed me she had gone through too much pain and finally felt strong again and was becoming independent.

She informed me that she still wanted to be friends and remain in contact and catch up frequently because she still cares about me and didnt want to loose me as a friend. i agreed to this however it has been killing me because i still love her and just want her back.

several months have passed and we talked maybe once a week and caught up maybe one a week, now when we are together sparks are flying, we still act the same. it feels like we are together when we are together if that makes sense.

Now i have come to a point where i dont know if i can continue to keep seeing her because my love for her breaks my heart knowing she will not give us another chance.

this is where it gets a bit messy in my mind and why i dont know why i cant come to terms with her not wanting to be with me.

I told her recently i couldnt do the friend thing anymore because i loved her, she got upset and said it feels like your leaving me all over again. but then she says to me she wants me to move on and be happy??

She tells me that she stills feels comfortable with me and feels like she can open up to me and no one else, she wants to chill with me, she wants to spend nights in cuddling and even mentioned staying over at my house. i told her that after seeing her on social media with other guys that i actually felt a bit of hate towards her and she goes thats good thats how i was feeling when you left me but then we have sex the same night.. and it was amazing.

am i just here to comfort her until something better comes along? am i being used?? or is she still that hurt from the breakup and this is my chance to show her how good we are together again and re gain her trust by spending more time with her personally and being affectionate and close?

it seems like she is enjoying her independance with her girlfriends but wants to see me 1-3 times a week and have that relationship aspect also? how should i be reading into this?


if i have missed any details please feel free to ask otherwise look forward to all the advice given

thank you.

[basilandthyme]

Mercuri, good on you for getting your life back on track.

Now, your ex seems to be under the illusion that being friends with an ex can work. Let me tell you, it doesn't work. Well, perhaps in very rare occasions when neither party feels any romantic love for the other and nobody's new partners care - but these are exceptions to the rule.

You did the right thing telling her that you needed to end the friendship. And frankly, she's being completely selfish in not wanting to let you go. You're NOT leaving her all over again - you're leaving because she doesn't want to be with you in a romantic sense and you need to recover. She does have the choice to keep you around (become your girlfriend again) but she's not making that choice.

As for why she's doing it? Who knows!?

Your boundaries are sound. Now you just need to enforce them.

[Wakeup]

am i just here to comfort her until something better comes along?

Yes. You're her emotional tampon. She's likely thinking subconsciously that ... you'll do for now while I check out my options so please don't abandon me now while I need someone temporarily.

am i being used??

No, you're volunteering to be her faithful Labrador retriever who does not leave its masters side no matter how many times you get hit on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.

I don't agree that your boundaries are "sound." They just sound good on paper but if they actually were sound in practice, you'd have told her that friendship was out of the question when she first proposed it so that you'd not be in this mess now and you'd be well on your way to actually being over her.

Leave her be so that the two of you can learn how to get on in your lives without the other in it. Right now she's just afraid to completely sever because you've been such a habit in her life for so long. Cut the apron string, do it in a calm and matter of fact matter that indicates that's its the best for the two of you to stop what you've been doing and go zero contact. You can let her know that if she changes her mind about "being independent" then to feel free to give you a call and chat about it but to please not call unless she's ready. Don't hope for a thing changing and just get on with your life healing from her.

[basilandthyme]

hmmm....perhaps I should have said that his thoughts on what boundaries he wants are sound

[HadleyK]

you let her go so she's now built up walls around her...getting back in her good graces is going to be tough - you have to ask yourself if its worth the trouble

[smackie9]

If sparks were fly again, why not just man up and ask her if you can start dating again, but taking your time, going through the motions of going out on dates etc.

She didn't feel dejected by the breakup but your suggestion to end the friendship, because you still love her. It made her feel you were just letting her down softly, and that you wanted out all together. That's why she pretty much saved face and said she's happy for you. I feel she is trying her hardest to step up and say let's try again, by making you jealous with those guys on line, and giving you amazing sex.

You both just need to step up and say what the f you want. I guess it's up to you now to say it and stop all this silliness.

Communication! use it.

[Wakeup]

I think she had every opportunity to agree to start seeing you again exclusively and as bf/gf when you clearly told her that you couldn'd just be her friend because you loved her, OP.

Anyway, please let us know an update when/ if there is anything new to tell.