Is it possible to have feelings that aren't real for someone?

[davek]

Hello all.
I'm not sure if I should write about everything that's happened up until this point, to fully decribe my situation. I guess I'll give the barebones version. I was married, and that relationship ended. I ended up living with a friend and her husband for a couple months. She helped me get my head back on straight amoung other things. I then left to go live with my uncle. After doing so her life went to crap. Her husband ended up in jail. She with her two kids ended up bouncing from one living situation to the next. I've been helping her as much as I could, sometimes a little bit beyond what I'm capable. More then a few in her sphere have accused me of having an ulterior motive....which I haven't. We've gotten ridiculously close this last two months. More so then we were before. I realized about a week ago that I haven't been entirely honest with myself. That I do in fact have feelings for her. So the ones doing the accusing are kinda right, but not completely. My intentions are still good and come from a place of caring about her. I told her that I realized i wasn't really being honest with myself, and with her, about why I'm there and doing the things I've been doing. I told her that I realized are lives are kinda messed up and we have a lot to sort out. She responded saying basically that things are two messed up to really think about that and that at a later time the thoughts would be renewed. Which I completely agreed with. I ended up reading something on codependency and a lot of the stuff described in there might as well be a book about me. When I told her that, she told me thats why she thinks that if I truly thought about it, I would realize that I don't have feelings like I think I do for her. Later when I was talking about it, she said something along the lines that I only think I have feelings for her because we've spent a lot of time together. Which is where I start getting confused...... isn't that how you end up developing feelings for someone? I want to tell her that what I feel is real. I understand full well nothing can happen right now. We both need things to straighten out, but when we do, I wouldnt mind giving it a try. If she doesn't at that point, I understand. Until that time I'm her friend and I'm there for her. But she managed to confuse me, make me less confident that I'm right, which I'm almost postive was her goal. So is it possible that I don't have real feelings for her? Even though it feels real?

[eve.ashley]

Hello all.
I'm not sure if I should write about everything that's happened up until this point, to fully decribe my situation. I guess I'll give the barebones version. I was married, and that relationship ended. I ended up living with a friend and her husband for a couple months. She helped me get my head back on straight amoung other things. I then left to go live with my uncle. After doing so her life went to crap. Her husband ended up in jail. She with her two kids ended up bouncing from one living situation to the next. I've been helping her as much as I could, sometimes a little bit beyond what I'm capable. More then a few in her sphere have accused me of having an ulterior motive....which I haven't. We've gotten ridiculously close this last two months. More so then we were before. I realized about a week ago that I haven't been entirely honest with myself. That I do in fact have feelings for her. So the ones doing the accusing are kinda right, but not completely. My intentions are still good and come from a place of caring about her. I told her that I realized i wasn't really being honest with myself, and with her, about why I'm there and doing the things I've been doing. I told her that I realized are lives are kinda messed up and we have a lot to sort out. She responded saying basically that things are two messed up to really think about that and that at a later time the thoughts would be renewed. Which I completely agreed with. I ended up reading something on codependency and a lot of the stuff described in there might as well be a book about me. When I told her that, she told me thats why she thinks that if I truly thought about it, I would realize that I don't have feelings like I think I do for her. Later when I was talking about it, she said something along the lines that I only think I have feelings for her because we've spent a lot of time together. Which is where I start getting confused...... isn't that how you end up developing feelings for someone? I want to tell her that what I feel is real. I understand full well nothing can happen right now. We both need things to straighten out, but when we do, I wouldnt mind giving it a try. If she doesn't at that point, I understand. Until that time I'm her friend and I'm there for her. But she managed to confuse me, make me less confident that I'm right, which I'm almost postive was her goal. So is it possible that I don't have real feelings for her? Even though it feels real?

anything is possible. are your feelings real, only time will tell that. time and getting to know each other sets passing passion and lasting love apart.

nobody can know their feelings until you give it time, and spend it with your loved one.

for your codependent patterns, you can go into therapy.
codependency is the better end of the deal when growing up with a very narcissistic parent, so be happy.

it's also dangerous coz it draws you to sick bastards, so be careful and gentle with yourself, your heart and who you give it to.

darling, you both have a point.

sort of crazy to start a relationship at a time you do not have minimum to bring to the table.

we need to be minimally well adjusted, at least, to be able to work on our relationship not sabotage it.

she is right, coz we all can have feelings that are not meant to last, and that we blew out of proportion, so to say, and that is not codependency's fault, that is simply being human.

she'd be wrong to run from love, coz it's uncertain, though, since there are never guarantees when you start anew, and she should know this, and try to be close to you.

this is why some people offer a friendship first and wait for a better situation to make it more...(she isn't jumping into the fire, but she isn't running from love either.)

she is trying not to get hurt,at a time she is not likely to handle it well. not to fall too deeply for you, until you are sure you want her, and you're feelings are strong enough.

again, strong feelings are only a good start, relationships nurture those feelings, or kill them.

that's the second reason she wants to wait, she needs minimum of stability so she can nurture your feeling and not kill them.

there is nothing wrong with helping someone and liking them, or wanting to sleep with them or date them.

that's pretty healthy and normal.

there is only wrong in it, if you try to use her bad situation to manipulate or force her into things you want.

you seem far from it.

never care about majority opinion, in this world in any context, seek out true pearls of humanity and care about minority report.

what i mean is, most people are such that they use people's situations to take advantage of them,and these are the first and loudest people to accuse others of this.

are you respectful to this woman?
caring?
do respect her humanity, integrity and her boundaries?

do you have protective instincts for her?

(as oppose to destructive)

are you really helping her out and doing for her what she cannot do alone, right now?

if most of these you answered yes, you are a good man and doing the right things, the fact that you like her romantically doesn't make it sordid.

you do not have to help her beyond your capabilities. she would not want to put a strain on you.

in fact, she is more likely to have a problem with letting you help her if she sees you are trying to do more than you can.

she would not want to be a burden and a strain on your life.

she is more likely to accept your help, if you give only what you can give, without putting a strain on your life.

you did not pout her husband in jail and make her bounce from a living situation to a next one.

so, forget people targeting you, you are her blessing and you are helping her.

we need friends and help more than ever when we are in trouble.

more so than things are going well.

she needs you now. she needs as much as you can give, not more, and she needs the stability of a friendship.

coz what if you guys make love, and she falls deeply for you and you decide it wasn't very profound for you, and you don't want to be with her.

in her trouble and state of mind she would have a very hard time getting over you.

when she is better she can try a relationship, nurture and and give you her best, and have the capacity to survive it, if you guys do not work out.

[davek]

anything is possible. are your feelings real, only time will tell that. time and getting to know each other sets passing passion and lasting love apart.

nobody can know their feelings until you give it time, and spend it with your loved one.

for your codependent patterns, you can go into therapy.
codependency is the better end of the deal when growing up with a very narcissistic parent, so be happy.

it's also dangerous coz it draws you to sick bastards, so be careful and gentle with yourself, your heart and who you give it to.

darling, you both have a point.

sort of crazy to start a relationship at a time you do not have minimum to bring to the table.

we need to be minimally well adjusted, at least, to be able to work on our relationship not sabotage it.

she is right, coz we all can have feelings that are not meant to last, and that we blew out of proportion, so to say, and that is not codependency's fault, that is simply being human.

she'd be wrong to run from love, coz it's uncertain, though, since there are never guarantees when you start anew, and she should know this, and try to be close to you.

this is why some people offer a friendship first and wait for a better situation to make it more...(she isn't jumping into the fire, but she isn't running from love either.)

she is trying not to get hurt,at a time she is not likely to handle it well. not to fall too deeply for you, until you are sure you want her, and you're feelings are strong enough.

again, strong feelings are only a good start, relationships nurture those feelings, or kill them.

that's the second reason she wants to wait, she needs minimum of stability so she can nurture your feeling and not kill them.

there is nothing wrong with helping someone and liking them, or wanting to sleep with them or date them.

that's pretty healthy and normal.

there is only wrong in it, if you try to use her bad situation to manipulate or force her into things you want.

you seem far from it.

never care about majority opinion, in this world in any context, seek out true pearls of humanity and care about minority report.

what i mean is, most people are such that they use people's situations to take advantage of them,and these are the first and loudest people to accuse others of this.

are you respectful to this woman?
caring?
do respect her humanity, integrity and her boundaries?

do you have protective instincts for her?

(as oppose to destructive)

are you really helping her out and doing for her what she cannot do alone, right now?

if most of these you answered yes, you are a good man and doing the right things, the fact that you like her romantically doesn't make it sordid.

you do not have to help her beyond your capabilities. she would not want to put a strain on you.

in fact, she is more likely to have a problem with letting you help her if she sees you are trying to do more than you can.

she would not want to be a burden and a strain on your life.

she is more likely to accept your help, if you give only what you can give, without putting a strain on your life.

you did not pout her husband in jail and make her bounce from a living situation to a next one.

so, forget people targeting you, you are her blessing and you are helping her.

we need friends and help more than ever when we are in trouble.

more so than things are going well.

she needs you now. she needs as much as you can give, not more, and she needs the stability of a friendship.

coz what if you guys make love, and she falls deeply for you and you decide it wasn't very profound for you, and you don't want to be with her.

in her trouble and state of mind she would have a very hard time getting over you.

when she is better she can try a relationship, nurture and and give you her best, and have the capacity to survive it, if you guys do not work out.

I appreciate the input. I'm not trying to get her to have a realtionship with me now. Neither one right now is in a place for it. I answered yes to all your questions, so I'm pretty confident that I'm doing the right things. She just threw me with the whole thinking my feelings arent real thing.

[eve.ashley]

I appreciate the input. I'm not trying to get her to have a realtionship with me now. Neither one right now is in a place for it. I answered yes to all your questions, so I'm pretty confident that I'm doing the right things. She just threw me with the whole thinking my feelings arent real thing.

she is being negative and assuming the worst case scenario. she is probably just scared.

it's like a protective mechanism. if she says to herself you don't really love her, she can stay guarded and not risk hurt.

if she admits to herself, you do seem to have feelings for her, she will have the toughest time resisting the urge to give love a shot, which can always mean we get hurt.

some hurt is not viscous, it's normal, people simply do not requite our love.

you seem to really be doing the right thing, and i admire you for that.

hope you guys sort your lives out and find happiness together or as friends.

[basilandthyme]

I agree that it's a protective mechanism. However, I think there are more potential reasons why she's doing it than simply resisting the urge to give love a shot.

*She may be not interested in a relationship with you at all and finds dismissing your feelings easier than just saying 'no'
*She may simply want you as a friend and dismissing your feelings are easier than being honest
*She may think that you're confusing infatuation with love.

I recall when one of my exes told me that he loved me after just a few weeks together. He had been drinking at the time. Without even thinking, I blurted out "no you're not". Sometimes commonsense and/or the situation tells us that the person we're hanging out with can't possibly be in love with us.