Rejected, But Getting Along Better Than Ever...Is This Weird??

[doodillydilly]

24 F. I'll start this off by saying I am usually not a fan of being in a relationship. I'm kind of...romance-repelled, I guess. I'm asexual, for one thing, and I really love being independent. I haven't been in many relationships (2 or 3 maybe?). I'm rather inexperienced with romancey stuff.

I've only developed 3 crushes in my entire life. The 3rd one I developed on someone I met a month ago. We clicked really well right away; I was on cloud nine, despite not knowing him for very long. As soon as I noticed the budding feelings, I was like, "*sigh* Goddamn it. Shit." I was shocked and taken aback as hell since I virtually never develop feelings for people, especially not so fast.

I told him pretty quickly I have a small crush on him, half-hopeful that it could develop into something and half-thinking, "Please just reject me and let me nip this in the butt." I know, I know, not the typical feelings behind a confession. Pretty contradictory feelings, but hey, it was win-win for me either way. (And heck, it'd probably flatter him if nothing else.)

Well, he was understandably surprised, as he knows I'm not usually into the whole romance thing, and as we had only met, like, 2 weeks prior. He politely said he's not interested because he's going to a new college in a few months, wants to get his life in order before he considers dating again, hasn't looked at me that way, and such. I was both very disappointed and very relieved. I told him thanks for listening, I'd work on getting over it asap, and thanks for being super cool about it.

Well, he still talks with me just about every day (more now than before really), and we've been getting closer as friends. The crush thing has come up casually in conversation one or two times--I have no problem talking about it; I prefer to be transparent and honest. (I'm glad to get it off my chest!)

Super glad the confession didn't mess with our budding friendship and all that jazz, but I'm surprised he didn't try to create any distance between us after all that. (It's been quite the opposite, honestly.) So I'm left a little confused by his actions. I'm just wondering, is this typical behavior for someone who rejected you? I don't want to entertain hopes or try to overanalyze his behavior; I just want to gauge outside people's thoughts and opinions on this matter.

[woody]

Maybe he finds your straight up approach and transparency like a breath of fresh air and as you said, the friendship was already blossoming before you told him about the crush.
You seem fairly down to earth, real and interesting. At least, that's the impression I get after reading. I would imagine he enjoys your company.
You just need to guard your heart a little in case the big crush tries to squish it; meaning, yeah, go for the friendship (if your alright with it that is) but keep it real. Basically, keep doing what your doing.

side note: connecting with someone, be them lover or friend is rare.

[TheEvilJester]

I'll put it this way....

That COULD mean that he is actually beginning to rethink his stance and is developing feelings for you..... however as Woody suggested, it could just as easily simply mean that he really digs your direct/honest approach and sees the value in having a friend like that.

So, bottom line, without being a mind reader you can't really know what he is thinking. So, he's told you he is not interested in you in that way, for now I'd suggest you continue to operate as though you believe that to still be true.

If he happens to change his mind, if he happens to start developing a crush on you, let the burden be on him to be as honest with you as you were willing to be with him. If that does happen, then awesome! Good luck to you both. But, do yourself a favor and try not to over-analyze everything. You may talk yourself into thinking he is starting to crush on you only to get hurt if it turns out he is not. For now, just continue to be his friend (as long as doing so doesn't mean you are truthfully just waiting around, putting your life on hold in hopes that it will become more).

P.S.

I wish you could teach your non-romantic type skills. LOL! I've always been a bit of a romantic myself. I wouldn't necessarily want to change that about me, but I would love to be able to learn to dial it the Hell back. ;-)

[Wakeup]

It COULD also mean that you are wasting your time by keeping him around as a simple friend while you continue to crush on him. When you are crushing on him (he who does not look at you in the same way) you are not open in mind and heart to find someone else who WILL look at you in a romantic way.

Don't stagnate yourself with an online friendship with someone you are in "limerence" with...

BTW: Is he also a-sexual? Kinda not fair to set your sights on someone who isn't like yourself because your libidos won't be anything alike. Or, are you calling yourself a-sexual simply because you can go without it when you're not in any kind of relationship but would want it plenty when you are?

[doodillydilly]

Maybe he finds your straight up approach and transparency like a breath of fresh air and as you said, the friendship was already blossoming before you told him about the crush.
You seem fairly down to earth, real and interesting. At least, that's the impression I get after reading. I would imagine he enjoys your company.
You just need to guard your heart a little in case the big crush tries to squish it; meaning, yeah, go for the friendship (if your alright with it that is) but keep it real. Basically, keep doing what your doing.

side note: connecting with someone, be them lover or friend is rare.

My friends do tell me I'm very realistic and handle things very "logically."

I definitely am gung-ho about going for the friendship. :] I think you're right. I just need to keep the crush feelings in check while I get over them, and as you said, guard my heart a little.

Yeah, it was uncanny how well we connected. Quite frankly, it freaked me out a little! Hehe.

Thanks for offering your insights!

I'll put it this way....

That COULD mean that he is actually beginning to rethink his stance and is developing feelings for you..... however as Woody suggested, it could just as easily simply mean that he really digs your direct/honest approach and sees the value in having a friend like that.

So, bottom line, without being a mind reader you can't really know what he is thinking. So, he's told you he is not interested in you in that way, for now I'd suggest you continue to operate as though you believe that to still be true.

If he happens to change his mind, if he happens to start developing a crush on you, let the burden be on him to be as honest with you as you were willing to be with him. If that does happen, then awesome! Good luck to you both. But, do yourself a favor and try not to over-analyze everything. You may talk yourself into thinking he is starting to crush on you only to get hurt if it turns out he is not. For now, just continue to be his friend (as long as doing so doesn't mean you are truthfully just waiting around, putting your life on hold in hopes that it will become more).

P.S. I wish you could teach your non-romantic type skills. LOL! I've always been a bit of a romantic myself. I wouldn't necessarily want to change that about me, but I would love to be able to learn to dial it the Hell back. ;-)

Thank you so much. I think this is exactly what I needed to hear. :] I will DEFINITELY watch myself and make sure I don't end up in the 'waiting around' mindset. I won't be that desperate girl who interprets everything as a 'sign.' I don't want a silly little crush to get in the way of making a cool friend!

Haha, being all "non-romantic" is not as great as it seems. People don't really get where I'm coming from most of the time, and it's hard for me to relate to others or offer my friends advice in romantic matters. I sometimes get hit on or asked out and I can never tell because I just…forget other people think about romance sometimes, I guess? It definitely causes its fair share of problems.

It COULD also mean that you are wasting your time by keeping him around as a simple friend while you continue to crush on him. When you are crushing on him (he who does not look at you in the same way) you are not open in mind and heart to find someone else who WILL look at you in a romantic way.

Don't stagnate yourself with an online friendship with someone you are in "limerence" with...

BTW: Is he also a-sexual? Kinda not fair to set your sights on someone who isn't like yourself because your libidos won't be anything alike. Or, are you calling yourself a-sexual simply because you can go without it when you're not in any kind of relationship but would want it plenty when you are?

Is it difficult to remain friends with someone you have a crush on? I've never had this experience before. I think I'm managing alright; I'm behaving normally around him and all that. I want to get over this mushy crush business as quickly as possible. (Heh, too bad the heart and mind don't always see eye-to-eye.)

Other than this rare exception, I don't really WANT to find someone to look at me in a romantic way. I looooove being single.

I haven't asked him about his sexual orientation, but statistically speaking, there is a very low chance of him being asexual. (This is completely a moot point, but I have had relationships with heterosexual people that worked out just fine in the past. It is possible--though not always easy--to have a completely healthy relationship with an asexual person, provided there is good communication, open-mindedness, and some compromise from both parties.) But yeah, not too relevant to the current situation, just answering your question.

[Wakeup]

Just curious but you don't think its relevant that you are asexual and your partner is not? Why would you think that two completely different sexual orientations would make a good long term match?

How does one "compromise" in a situation like that? You have sex with them (or do sexual acts on them) while not really wanting to?

Did your past relationships with hetro-sexual partners end because of your differences in sexual needs?



I'll wait to hear your response to the above questions (if you care to share) before I explain why having a crush on someone who only wants you as a friend is not in your best interests or his should he become involved with someone romantically. (not you)

[doodillydilly]

Just curious but you don't think its relevant that you are asexual and your partner is not? Why would you think that two completely different sexual orientations would make a good long term match?

How does one "compromise" in a situation like that? You have sex with them (or do sexual acts on them) while not really wanting to?

Did your past relationships with hetro-sexual partners end because of your differences in sexual needs?



I'll wait to hear your response to the above questions (if you care to share) before I explain why having a crush on someone who only wants you as a friend is not in your best interests or his should he become involved with someone romantically. (not you)

Well, it's not really relevant because we're not going to have a relationship. If we were, then yes--it would be a HUGE deal! For some people, understandably, that would be a total deal breaker. But I don't need to worry about that since I'm in friend territory.

To answer your question: many asexuals enter romantic relationships in which they are happy to engage in sexual activities, because they know it makes their partners happy. Some sexual partners are willing to compromise by cutting back on the sexual stuff. Idk, there's a lot of discussions floating around the Internet about this that could explain it muuuuch better than I can. There are plenty of asexual/sexual relationships that work long-term.

To answer your next question: no, my previous relationships with heterosexual partners did not end because of our difference in sexual needs. We were both completely content in that department. (They ended for different reasons--mostly just me chickening out when they wanted to start getting REALLY serious. But that is a whooooole nuther story.)

Yes, please explain! I would love to hear what you have to say on the matter, as I have no experience in that type of situation.

[TheEvilJester]

Haha, being all "non-romantic" is not as great as it seems. People don't really get where I'm coming from most of the time, and it's hard for me to relate to others or offer my friends advice in romantic matters. I sometimes get hit on or asked out and I can never tell because I just…forget other people think about romance sometimes, I guess? It definitely causes its fair share of problems.

For the record, being a romantic ain't all it's cracked up to be either. Add to that how overly heavily I feel things, and how ridiculously shy I am, and it downright sucks. LOL! Oh well. That is my burden to bear, and it is one I've been working hard to finally shed.

Also for the record....

Yes, most people do actually find it hard to remain friends with somebody for whom they have a crush. You want to know the funny thing? Much like you, I actually do not. It's funny. You are kind of at one extreme on the "romantic scale" with me being on the other.... and yet this is one place where we agree. I've always been very much capable of disconnecting the "crush" feelings very easily if/when it proves to not be in the cards. I've always been able to have a friendship with a crush without it causing me to just put my life on hold secretly just waiting around hoping we will become more than friends.

But, yeah, that is something people usually find very hard to do because it is hard to be around somebody you have a crush on and be able to shed those feelings if it is just not in the cards. People fall into a trap where they tell themselves they are okay with it and would rather have the person as a friend rather than not at all, but they really just themselves stuck hung up on this person they can't have.

IF you find you are falling into that trap, that is when you need to move on for your own good as well as his. If you are actually capable of disconnecting the two, and can be friends with him yet still keep yourself open should somebody else come along who may interest you, then go for it. I've always personally felt if you can have somebody in your life who is a really good friend, that is never a bad thing. So, if you truly can separate the two and not just be secretly hindering yourself, then I don't see the harm.

On a side note, a common misconception about the term "a-sexual" is that it automatically mean the person has zero interest in sex. Like just about anything in life, there are varying degrees. A person can be "a-sexual" but still enjoy sex. It may just mean they don't see it as being AS big a deal as everybody else does, and can easily go long periods of time without it and not even care. With a partner, though, they may still want it as well, and/or even like doing it because it makes their partner happy. I am sure there are some people who are 100% a-sexual and just do not have any interest in it at all, but it doesn't always mean that.

[Wakeup]

Its never in your best interests to continue on in a platonic relationship with someone that you have more then platonic feelings for. Why is that, you ask? Because if will stagnate you from being open enough in mind and heart to find someone who does want to be in a relationship with you that entails more then being buddies.

Now, before you say... oh but I can handle it. Keep in mind that once he gets into a relationship with the girl of his dreams, he will either back away from you and do a 180 or his new girl will not be happy with him hanging out with you one on one nor will she like him spending time texting/emailing you and generally taking their time together giving you attention. So unless you're the type that is willing to take a different approach to your friendship and keep good platonic boundaries in place, the type that won't get bent out of shape while having a crush on your friend who is now in a relationship, then why would you do that to yourself?

More times then not, there ends up being a problem when you have a crush on your friend and your friend becomes romantically involved.

Thanks for the explanation about being with someone that is not asexual when you are but I'm really wondering how that would ever work for the long haul. Most people want someone who isn't just doing it because they know it is expected of them. They want a passionate partner that is equally enjoying the ride and willing to give while enjoying the giving.

Good luck... Just my 2 cents based on copious threads from folks whose partner has an opposite sex friend that is causing some issue in the primary relationship as well as from folks who have crushes on their friend and are feeling abandoned when the opposite sex friend changes the dynamic of the friendship once they find a gf/bf.

Cheers.

[TheEvilJester]

doodillydilly,

Feel free not to answer this if you would rather not, but exactly how "a-sexual" would you consider yourself? Are you basically 100% uninterested in sex, or would you say you are interested in it, but just not as much as you find people seem to be typically?

I bring that up because, again, sometimes being "a-sexual" doesn't necessarily mean the person has zero interest in sex at all. So, in response to Wakeup's point, some a-sexual people may engage in sexual activity with their partner, not simply because they know it is expected of them, but because they actually DO want to, for whatever reasons. They just may not be AS interested in it as people tend to be, or less concerned with if it happens or not.

I can't comment, though, since I am not you. I don't know how disinterested you may be in such activities.