Is he cheating?

[girl4056]

My boyfriend and his female best friend are too close for comfort and he sees nothing wrong with it. He often has sleepovers and her place and they even sleep in the same bed. He texts her things like "you're the best thing that has ever happened to me", "i miss you" and they say "i love you". He calls her the same pet names he calls me, and she is always texting him to pick her up, take her grocery shopping etc. They talk on the phone a lot too. Yet he says there is nothing going on and this is a normal friendship.
He makes me feel bad for thinking anything is going on between them and says they stay on seperate sides when they sleep in the same bed. But then why do they even do it? I've never even met her and I've known him for over a year, he talks to her about me all the time asking for advice when we fight and what not. He says he is willing to stop the inappropriate aspects of their friendship to say with me but I just don't know if I can believe him. He also says he cant stop talking to her but A. it could be a lie, and B. if its not I don't want to be the one that comes between him and his friends telling him who to see and not to see. He should do that on his own.

[Wakeup]

Where is the "Significance" in "Significant Other" within your relationship if he does everything with her that he does with you?

You're foolish to stay with this boy. Get your guts together and tell him its over, that he can have her.

[TheEvilJester]

A lot of people seem to be of the opinion that men and women cannot be friends with one another, and especially cannot if/when one or both are in a relationship with somebody else. I have always thought that to be absolutely ridiculous. Some of my best friends are and have been women. As long as appropriate boundaries are respected on all sides, why should I deny myself a good person in my life. Too few of those in the world.

Here are the key words, though....

AS LONG AS APPROPRIATE BOUNDARIES ARE RESPECTED ON ALL SIDES.

That is most definitely NOT what is happening here. You are absolutely right to be uncomfortable with this. I'm going to play Devil's advocate for a second here and pretend that both of them actually consider this 100% innocent in their minds and are 100% just friends....

That still doesn't make ANY of that okay.

To be honest, though, this does not sound like it is innocent at all. In fact, I think a really good rule of thumb for deciding what is and is not appropriate for two straight, opposite gender friends is often would two straight guy friends do the same thing together? For example, would two straight guys sleep in the same bed together? The answer to that is almost always absolutely not. Okay, bad example perhaps as maybe on a business trip or something some guys would share a hotel room to save money and wouldn't have a problem sharing a bed. Still, most guys wouldn't even then.

Continuing in that theme..... would a guy call his guy friends the same pet names he calls his girlfriend. Again.... yyyeeeeah, NO!

And how would he not see that him texting her something like "you're the best thing that ever happened to me" whether he intends it or not, basically says to you that you are NOT. How does he not see that this would make you feel like he values his friend less than you, his actual girlfriend?

The "I love you" thing, I'm a little more on the fence about. I guess, to me, it depends on how often. Because, even guy friends, if the moment calls for it (which, for guy friends it rarely does, but CAN) will say that to each other. Though, bottom line, he shouldn't be saying it to her, or at least not quite so often.

Wakeup makes a really good point. How does it make your relationship special if he's basically doing everything short of sexing with her? Hell, that could very well wind up happening. I mean, sure maybe it never would, but you shouldn't be put in the position in the first place to have to worry that it may.

If he's willing to dial it back to a level that is reasonable to you both, then maybe you give him the chance to prove that. I don't know, though. To be honest with you, I don't feel like that is a conversation you should have to have in the first place. It would be different if their friendship truly was just innocent, but still made you slightly uncomfortable. Then, yes, have that conversation and give him the chance to make it right. In this case, though, I honestly don't know if he even deserves the chance. Who in their right mind would think any of that is okay in the slightest? I don't know.... maybe I'm just being cynical, though. Frankly, I've not exactly been Mr. Sunshine these days.