I need to know if I am wrong and what to do with my relationship if I am

[lostinsouthlove]

For a background I should say that I am a gay male dating a gay male. I am twenty six and he is eighteen. We have been dating since last October. When we first started dating I was reluctant to start a relationship because of his age. But he had already graduated high school, was in college, and was working two jobs. From talking with him it seemed like he was quite mature for his age. On our first date I felt like I had found a deep connection with him. I was blown away and had a huge crush on him immediately. Our date lasted for ten hours and we spent that entire time talking with each other. It seemed like we had much in common and we were able to communicate very well. He seemed to be very enamored with me as well. When I got home I had a text from him about how impressed he was with me and how he couldn't wait for our next date. Over the next few weeks our dates continued whenever he could fit me in. He sent me sweet messages several time per day. He missed me and I missed him when we were away from each other. When we were together we were very passionate with each other and couldn't stop talking. As time progressed he started staying the night with me. When he stayed the night it seemed obvious how attracted he was to me and how much he liked me. He would get me drinks and get the bed ready. Little things that I adore. I cooked dinner for him several times. I guess my point is that we did things for each other and there was a mutual respect. He started staying with me more and more.

At this time he didn't have a car so I had to pick him up any time that I wanted to see him. It was about twenty miles to where he lived. After our first month together I wanted to do something simple but sweet. I knew he had mentioned how much he liked the huge cookies that the local mall sold. So I took him to the mall and had one made with a sweet one month message. He seemed to appreciate it and posted pictures on facebook. Every time he stayed the night we would wrestle and have fun. Everything seemed to be going so well. I want to take this time to mention that recently I was told by my sister that he had recounted to her a time after we had been together for two months. He went to an exe of his house and didn't leave until they had been cuddling for a while and decided it was not okay. Again, I didn't learn this until recently.

After about two months of us being together my roomate bought a house and I had to move. This actually put me closer to my boyfriend. He was staying almost every night at this point. After the move his sweet messages tapered off. I continued with mine though. Every month that came around I did something increasingly sweet. I remember after like three or four months I took a flower he had picked for me on our second date out of the freezer and put it in a clear mold so that he could have it forever. It didn't look pretty but it meant a lot to me. When I gave it to him he made fun of it and called it silly. After a few minutes he said thank you and his attention shifted and I was left with hurt feelings. His wrestling became more painful for me. He would often bite me very hard, leaving several marks. He would pull my hair and spit on me. He began to call me stupid or an idiot, jokingly, every time I did something that wasn't done his way or was done the wrong way. His smile seemed to disappear unless he was joking. So many of his jokes seemed so serious and seemed to hurt me or be at someone else's expense. I started to notice that nobody seemed to be able to do anything to please him.

As time went on his texts got shorter and shorter. Our communication diminished quite a bit. I remember watching movies with him and he would simply say "I'm hungry" or "I'm thirsty" and expect for me to get him a drink. He said it in a way that was kind of kidding but I knew he expected me to get them for him. And of course I did it. I never wanted to disappoint him. I was still falling in love with him. Even as I could feel a small distance between us growing. I remember promising him a tattoo for his Christmas gift and giving him a very heartfelt card. I don't believe I got anything. All I wanted was a card and I didn't get anything like that. My birthday was the next month. I remember that he told me happy birthday but didn't get me a card, didn't make me a cake, nothing. He simply told me happy birthday. I suppose I should have been okay with that.

There were times after then that he started talking about how hot other guys were and how he would jump on them. He even mentioned how his ex used to have sex with him all over his house. All the while he mostly used sex to tease me. There was one occasion in which I had tried to start having sex with him and while I was trying he started laughing at me and continued reading his phone. Usually sex with him was very short and very sporadic. He would finish before I did and we were done. I started giving more and more where I could because I wanted him to know that I cared. And it wasn't really monetary. What I did was try to figure the best ways that I could be a good boyfriend to him and make his life better where I could. I never expected thanks from him but I did want him to continue acting like my boyfriend. Instead his affection continued to decline. His insults didn't let up and neither did the things that could be taken as physical abuse. But I still feel like he was always just kidding and didn't realize that he had crossed a line. I was doing most of the cleaning in that house. He just kind of did what he wanted and I picked up after. I never said anything because I didn't want to have to ask. I didn't want to get that habit started between us. I loaned him money for buying a car sometime around this point.

I had already taught him to drive my car, a manual transmission, a while before. It had gotten to the point where anytime we got in my car he was driving. I was okay with it because I felt he was just excited about something new. But after six months I didn't feel like that anymore. Anytime I went to drive he would say something like "thought so" or "what are you doing?" and he would not let me drive. I kept his car up for him as it kept breaking down. I rebuilt the sound system so that it worked well. I never really got a thank you for that.

After about four months we moved into an apartment in my hometown together. We were excited about the new apartment for a while. But after a couple of months he started getting very distant from me. This culminated in him telling me that he felt like we were just best friends. I should mention that the name calling and such behavior had never stopped. It actually had increased. As well as any conversations being really short. If I tried to make plans with him he would get annoyed with me. He got annoyed with me over pretty much anything actually. Anyway, the night he told me about feeling like friends I went to my sister's house and cried for a while. Then I came back home and cried on his shoulder. We talked for a while and he told me that he wanted to work things out. Things got better for a while and he had some sweet moments. After a bit of time I caught him in a lie about hanging out with an ex boyfriend. I had told him that I didn't mind him spending time with an ex but the lie is what upset me. Mostly because he had told me of his past of cheating on most of his boyfriends. I know he continued talking to this ex and is still hanging out with him. I remember that on most of our dates he wouldn't hold my hand like he had before. He always was more interested in everything else that spending time with me. Especially when we went to malls. And at the movies he no longer cuddled with me like he once had.

Soon after that we had a talk one night and he told me that he wasn't physically attracted to me and sex with me just wasn't good enough. He pretty much listed what he didn't like. He said things like my circumcision was weird and my abdomen wasn't proportional. I was devastated. He was crying and told me that he was scared to tell me because he didn't want me to break up with him. I told him we could work on those things if he wanted to. He agreed and again things seemed to get better for a short while. Our sex life improved dramatically for a few weeks.

But he soon started getting distant again. It got to point in which I started to break up with him but he convinced me not to. I had told him that he needed to be sweeter to me and not get so angry so quickly. I also told him that I needed at least a little affection. That day when I got home he was the sweetest that he had been in a long time and was very affectionate towards me. That didn't last more than a day though. After a short time he broke up with me for a night because he was tired of me telling him what I needed and because I made my first big mistake. I told him that I had been told the ex he was friends with was the one that he had cheated on another ex with . He said it wasn't true and got very upset about it. I felt terrible about it. But he had been so shady about this ex that I felt like I needed to know who he was. A mutual friend of mine and my boyfriend convinced us to stay together.

Recently I took him to the beach for a day. While we were there I spent a lot of money. He made me feel guilty about getting excited about a certain park and not asking him if he wanted to go there. I spend like twenty dollars for us to drive some carts. I didn't want to be unfair so I told him we would spend at least that much at the next place. So after paying to ride a roller coaster and hearing him talk about the hot guys in line in front of us; we went to store and he picked out sixty dollars worth of things. We met his aunt there and went back to the beach to be in the water. There were several times that he pushed me under the waves after me telling him that I was scared of the water and asking him to stop. He got upset when I accidentally dropped him from my shoulders. I think what bother me the most was how many pictures he took of himself, his aunt, and her boyfriend. But he didn't take one of me. He never thanked me for taking him to the beach. He wouldn't kiss me at all while we were there.
Now he has gotten a second job. He works at that job with the ex I've been talking about. He keeps hanging out with him and not telling me, which is the only stipulation about it that I have. I've seen him deleting messages from this guy on several occasions. And then he will go through my phone and get upset about me asking my family for advice. He is still in college as well. He barely has any free time and he doesn't seem interested in making plans with me. I always have to be the one to try to make plans. He's actually blown me off a couple of times saying that he had to work or that he had homework he had to finish. But this was after he had spent time with friends the day before. He walks around treating me more like a friend. I just don't feel any real affection from him. Half the time when I kiss him he's staring past me at his phone. I had to work to get him to say I love you back to me when I say it to him. At this point I'm feeling numb.

Why am I still with him? I love him dearly. Every time I see him I see the man I fell in love with. I can read this and see that things aren't right. But when I see him I feel how much I love him and I can't think about what all isn't right. When we first got together he told me that he always ends up running guys off. I told him that I'm not so easily pushed away. I guess I took what I said too much to heart. It's the reason that when his behavior started I allowed it. I didn't want to be too sensitive. I wanted to be understanding of his personality. I knew that he had come from an abusive and very unstable family that had mistreated him throughout his childhood. I wanted to be a constant for him. I wanted to be his rock. I didn't want to run away just because he was a little hard around the edges. And I still feel that way to an extent. I feel like he deserves a man that understands and will love him no matter what. I'm so deeply in love with the man that I initially fell in love with. And every time I get a real smile or a heart felt I love you from him I just melt all over again. But I can feel myself becoming resentful. Just tonight he was saying that I had said I would give him a massage. I had told him I would give him one tomorrow and I knew that I was exhausted for the night. I have given him countless massages over our months together and the few times I've asked for one I was either turned down or gotten a one handed massage for a minute or two. He started saying that I always put them off and I got defensive. He said that I was an ass and was angering him. I mentioned how that wasn't anything new. It was one of the first few times I've been irrational and spiteful towards him. And every time my heart is broken afterwards. He told me that he had only been joking and I had taken him too seriously, yet again. This made me feel even worse. I can't stand to hurt someones feelings. It leaves me upset for days.

All I've wanted from this relationship was to feel loved. That's all I need. I've felt so trapped because I'm not getting what I need and its hurting and jading me. But at the same time I don't want to let him down by breaking up with him and just being one other person that he ran off. I want the best for him and want him to be as happy as possible. I feel like in my current state I can't make him happy and I don't want to hurt him by leaving him. So I'm stuck. It's left me feeling suicidal several times because I feel like I have no other escape. I won't kill myself. But in my twisted thoughts that has seemed like a viable escape at times.

I'm just at my wit's end and need some advice. I don't know if I need to stay with him to support him and just get over any sensitivities that I have. Am I too sensitive? Do I need to man up? What have I done wrong?

[basilandthyme]

The thing you've done wrong is stick around and accept his appalling behaviour. They guys he ran off? They were sensible. They had good solid boundaries and were able to protect themselves adequately. But you seem to have this hero complex which isn't going to do you any favours.

If you leave, you're not letting him down. He's let himself down. Not your problem.

Please, please go and get some therapy. You probably need professional help in order to give yourself the kick up the arse which you so need.

[lostinsouthlove]

I guess I'm afraid that he is working on his attitude and I don't want to hurt him by breaking up with him while he's trying. He hasn't been biting or anything like that for the past couple of weeks. He got annoyed with me yesterday but I have seen improvement lately. But he's also gone all of the time between work and college. We had a good night tonight. We played with our dog and he talked about his classes. Still I didn't get a hug, kiss, or I love you from him. I didn't try to initiate any of the either. But for a while I've been the one to start the affection. I've backed off lately since he said that I was too needy. I've been waiting to see what he would do.

[basilandthyme]

Don't stick around for the potential of what he may become. Look at the here and now and make your decision based on that.

And after all the world of hurt he's caused you, who gives a flying F if you hurt him?! Seriously, if he's hurt because you leave him it is nothing more than consequence of his own behaviour.

[lostinsouthlove]

I am the kind of person that simply cannot stand to hurt another's feelings. I will in such an instance as if a friend needs me to be brutally honest. But as far as hurting my boyfriend goes, it would hurt me a lot if I hurt him. I think I put myself in his head too much. I give him the benefit of the doubt and assume his thoughts are always innocent. So in my mind maybe he's growing up and trying harder. I feel if I was doing that I would be very hurt if someone left me at that point. And I would also hate knowing that I left someone who was trying and I could have made a good life with. But you are right. I should date in the here and now. There's nothing that says he won't get better for a year or two and then revert back. His mother was very selfish and a full on narcissist up until she died from an overdose this year. It scares me to think he might travel that same road seeing that she did raise him for part of his childhood. A lot of what I've been reading suggests that he is very immature. Does that sound correct to you?

[basilandthyme]

Yes, he might be immature. But I'd be more likely to use the term abusive. While it's noble to not want to hurt another person, it's stupid to let yourself be hurt in order to protect an abusive individual. And yes, abusers are well known for behaving themselves long enough to reel their partner back in and them go back to the former behaviour.

You said in your first post that all you wanted was to be loved. Frankly, your expectations are too low and this is a lot of the reason you've let this abuse happen to you. Love should come AFTER all the other foundations are laid. Those foundations include such things as respect and having similar morals and ethics. Have a think about why you'd love someone who doesn't respect you.

Lastly, about the biting: Are we talking kink or is this violence against you? You do realise that even kink must be consensual don't you?

I would strongly recommend you do some research into abusive relationships.

[lostinsouthlove]

This is only my second real relationship. And my first one was definitely an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship (towards me). Prior to that a couple of shorter relationships tended to end in me being taken advantage of. I believe I am still learning what is normal in a relationship. Unfortunately I don't always know what is acceptable and what isn't. As for the biting, I do like kinky things such as that during sex. But he's rarely bitten me during sex. It's always when we're wrestling and playing or the couple of times he wasn't getting his way. He finally stopped after I got fed up with it and told him he absolutely had to stop when I said to stop. I honestly wouldn't have ever minded if he stopped when I asked. But for a long time he wouldn't stop until he jaw hurt. There were a few times I had to rip my skin out of his mouth it hurt so badly. Admittedly I was angry when I did that, but I felt I had no choice. It hasn't just been biting though. There have been times when we were playing that I accidentally hurt him and he punched me. The other day we were lying by our sliding door. He grabbed one of the blinds and kind of scratched my forehead with it. I decided to do the same and got punched on the top of my head for it.

[basilandthyme]

As far as what's acceptable goes, there is a very clear base line: Do you feel emotionally and physically safe and respected *at all times*? There is a whole lot of compatibility stuff which goes on top of that, but always being safe and respected is the absolute minimum. Even in the realms of kink, there must be absolute trust that a partner knows when it's OK to play and when they need to stop.

I'm not sure where to go with this (play?) fighting thing you and he have because I'm not sure how much of this you consent to outside of the bedroom. Generally speaking, if things are happening which you're not OK with, you'd need to have a talk about your boundaries. If, after the conversation, a person still hurts you in situations where you've made it clear that it's not OK, then it's classified as abuse. A good way to discuss it would be to list all the times and places where it *is* OK. Anything which falls outside of that must be considered a no-go unless it's discussed further.

[woody]

Lostin South Love,

You said, "I am another that simply cannot stand to hurt another's feelings"? Yet your willing to hurt your own feelings and allow them to 'be' hurt? huh. Interesting that.

I believe you are in danger of allowing a negative pattern to gain grip onto your life and you would be wise to treat yourself with way more respect and love.

Time to look within and take care of what matters the most; you.

[Chad89]

Hi, I don't think you're too sensitive. I'll be blunt, it sounds like he doesn't really care about you at all. He knows he's hurting you and yet he continues to do those things that hurt you. You deserve better than him.

[Wakeup]

I'm just at my wit's end and need some advice. I don't know if I need to stay with him to support him and just get over any sensitivities that I have. Am I too sensitive? Do I need to man up? What have I done wrong?

you need psychological help. The kind of help you need you will not get from a forum board.

You have severe codependency problems, you lack self-worth, you are a caretaker which is the dysfunctional opposite of caregiver, you have zero personal boundaries and you allow disrespectful behaviour to yourself without the giver of that disrespect having to suffer any consequences. You try to buy your love and you expect total reciprocation to your over-indulgence. You invest in a stock that is clearly declining in value instead of pulling out your investment when it's obvious that you are not getting a good return.

Work on YOU... the only person you have control over. Codependents Anonymous or Al-anon will guide you. Therapy will continue to help you maintain good solid personal boundaries and self-respect.

He's someone you should not be with while you work on you. I hope you have the strength to get him out of your life while you work on overcoming your issues.

All said with YOUR best interests in mind even if what was said is not what you want to hear.

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Here are some links that you can start reading to help you start on your journey to being a better you, Op. You have a pattern of getting into codependent and dysfunctional relationships and the common denominator is YOU.

[url=http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/signs-of-a-codependent-relationship?page=2]Are You in a Codependent Relationship? Warning Signs and How to Change[/url]

[url=http://psychcentral.com/lib/the-importance-of-personal-boundaries/]The Importance of Personal Boundaries | Psych Central[/url]

[url=http://tinybuddha.com/blog/ending-codependency-in-relationships-find-and-live-who-you-really-are/]Ending Codependency in Relationships: Find And Live Who You Really Are[/url]

[url=http://www.expressivecounseling.com/codependency-caretaking/]Codependency: Caretaking vs. Caregiving | Expressive Counseling[/url]

[url=http://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/help-for-abused-men.htm]Help for Abused Men: Escaping Domestic Violence by Women or Domestic Partners[/url]

[url]http://books.simonandschuster.com/The-New-Codependency/Melody-Beattie/9781439102145[/url]

Do yourself a service and read and then get the help you need to get yourself away from men like who you are with. You'll keep picking the same kind as long as you don't get working on you.

Why am I still with him? I love him dearly. Every time I see him I see the man I fell in love with.

Love is NEVER ENOUGH. If the only good thing you have is your love for someone and they are not loving you back without dysfunction like you have in this relationship then you are investing in a declining market that will leave you in an emotional and self-esteem bankruptcy. No, Love is never enough.

[url]http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/03/17/love-is-not-enough-for-a-healthy-marriage/[/url]

He will not change no matter how many "talks" and how often you "communicate" until he gets the professional help he needs to stop being the abusive narcissistic asshole that he is. You cannot fix him with your over-indulgence and over-giving, lack of boundary way of showing your love.

[lostinsouthlove]

Thank you all for your help : ) I broke up with him this morning. He was an ass and stormed out of the apartment. While I was at work my sister called me to let me know that he had brought his ex to the apartment after I left. Obviously now what he does is his own business. But the fact that he brought the cause of much of our problems into my apartment really bothered me and I called him and told him off for it. Later he sent me a long message apologizing and explaining why he does everything he does. It upset me greatly and I explained to him what all I needed from him and that I wasn't going to take any initiative, that he would have to work to show me that he truly was going to put effort into a relationship with me for me to want to match his effort. After I got home I talked to my sister again and she said that he was just manipulating me and that I needed to just let him go. When I got in the apartment I found a sweet message written on our whiteboard and it got to me. Again I messaged my sister and she simply said "let him go". And also mentioned how he and his ex had never been friends on facebook the whole time he and I had been together, even though they hung out quite often. But now that we aren't together anymore he's added his ex. It's just too much and I am going to have faith that my sister is right and he is manipulating me. I just don't feel like he's going to change until he really wants to and there is just too much between us to get past at this point. And as for the co dependency thing goes, I will definitely look into that. In my twisted thoughts I have wondered if I had been more of a man and stood up to him, if things would have worked because he needed someone who was man enough to do so. But in reality I think he would just have gotten angry and left me way back then. I know whoever I date from now on is going to have to have their priorities in order and be willing to be a team with me. I don't want anyone I date to depend on me any more than I depend on them. I feel like I should expect that.

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It would be nice to know that even if I hadn't enabled him, he would have never changed. Otherwise I feel like I would have been a total failure in this relationship and would have completely let him down. Of course if that were the case, I would want you guys to be honest.

[Wakeup]

He would have never changed if he never got the help he needs to learn how to be a caring, empathetic human without the narcissistic, selfish tendencies that he currently displays.

Good to hear you dumped the sociopath. Now... whatever you do, keep working on yourself and learning about personal boundaries and how to not feel guilty when saying "no" to things you are not onboard with. Whatever you do, don't keep in contact with him because you will end up being hoovered back when he needs to manipulate you into doing something else that is to HIS benefit.

Be well.

[lostinsouthlove]

I can't for now. In our current living situation I have no choice but to see him every day until August. And he is being very nice and asking about my day and pretty much what he should have been all along. I can't say I can see through it as I believe he's trying. But I'm going to be bull headed and not give in. For his benefit and for mine.

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Even if he started therapy tomorrow I feel like us being together would still lead to heartache. He might not keep going, it might take a long time to heal from his issues, he might relapse. I just couldn't see any better alternative to staying apart. I would not want to have to break up again and hurt both of us all over again. He needs to make certain that he's making changes for him and only him. Right?

[basilandthyme]

I too am glad you dumped him.

To answer your question, if you had stood up to him, he would have dumped you and gone and found a person he can manipulate.