Dealing with cheating in a long distance relationship

[Jonth686]

I live in the United Kingdom and my girlfrind lives in The United States, we are both Collage age and live with our parents.

So I met my current girlfriend through an online chat room, not the most conventional means of meeting people granted,but is still a viable option. We started talking every day (and have done every day since) and became close friends instantly. At the time she had a boyfriend who lived near her, but they hadn't met face to face yet. This is the part of the story I become the bad guy...

We started to become "too" close for just ordinary friends, and I will admit I became the "other guy". This lasted until her boyfriend decided to leave her for the girl he had been cheating with, oh the irony. The whole time I was there for her and had no desire to be in a relationship with her, I was just a being there for a friend. A few weeks after their break up, she asked me out and of course I couldn't say no.
I know what you're thinking, if I didn't want to date her, why did I say yes? The answer is that I did care about her and yes I did want to be with her, I just didn't want to be the immediate rebound of the situation.

So a number of weeks past and everything was going " ok". As OK as a newly long distance relationship can go really. Then one day I am informed by my partner that her friend asked her to install Tinder on her phone so she could talk yo people. Despite my immediate doubts, I didn't object to move as I wanted my partner to be happy.
So came December, and I was attending a party with family friends and my cousins. Mid way through the evening, my girlfriend texts me in a flurry of tears. Of course I hurry to discover the cause of this emotional car crash and she reveals to me that one of the people on Tinder had come round and the two of them had fooled around in his truck. Despite the initial look of the situation, I took this all rather well. I was calm and talked with my partner about the situation all night. In hindsight, this while event most probably saved our relationship. I wasn't exactly the best of boyfriends I will admit, and this whole thing opened my eyes to how stupid I had been.

So problem solved right?

We come to the end of January, my girlfriend's phone is out of use for a week. I didn't get to speak to her and I missed her like crazy. Saturday night her phone is repaired and we are able to talk again. So one happy me. I fall asleep talking to her and that was that. I wake up on Sunday morning to discover a number of notifications on Facebook. Curiously I open the app and that is where my heart sinks for a second time. Each notification is a screenshot of my girlfriend performing sexual acts on Skype with this unknown man, pictures, messages the lot. All this had apparently happened after I had fallen asleep and were now all over my girlfriend's Facebook. Once my partner had woken up, she told me that she did not understand why she did it, that he offered and she didn't say no. Another traumatic day ensured.

We come to the day after this event has taken place. I am at collage ( yes that is my occupation), and I haven't heard from my girlfriend all day, she's apparently going out into the city with her girl frineds. Nothing wrong with that at all
I get home in the evening, switch on the Xbox and sit down for a nice relaxing time. About 30 minutes into this alone time, my girlfriend messages me. Happily I check my phone to see her message, only to find she has broken up with me. In a sudden pannic, I ask what had happened and what I had done wrong. She tells me that she had been on a date with the man from December, and that they had had sex in his truck in a Walmart car park. (Yes, this all happened the very day after the Skype indecent). I find it funny how she cheated on the man she cheated on me with.
In summary, this all broke me heart and I will not lie, I spent the entire rest of the day balling my eyes out. After a few days of talking and trying to resolve the situation, she tells me that she has deleted Tinder and had blocked both men ( Did I mention the Skype and car park guys were different?)
And from them on our relationship was pretty downhill, not going to lie.

March come along, this was maybe the hardest month of all. She starts talking to a really old guy friend, no problem there at all, yes I was a little jealous and defensive, but that is natural in a relationship. My partner continuously tells me that her friend has NO interest in her at all, and that he is talking to multiple girls, not just her. And so it begins...
One day this friend turns around and declairs he is madly in love with my girlfriend. Oh what a surprise there. My girlfriend tell me that she needs space and thinks we should talk less. One day she says she wants to leave and I try so hard to persuade her not to. I spend hours talking to her on the phone and trying to reason with her, and she is determined to leave, her mind is made up.
)At this point I should mention that I have told no one else about everything that has happened so far in this story.)
At this point I cannot take it anymore, a d I say to my partner that I need to talk to my mother. She asks if she can listen into the convocation and I agree. For the next few hours I ball my eyes out to my mother and tell her everything that has happened. Apart from feeling immaculated and stupid for being so weak and pathetic, this is apparently the kick my girlfriend needed to realise everything she has done and to work everything out.
The next day we started planning a holiday for my girlfriend to come and live with me for 30 days in my house. The countdown starts at 103 days...

The next 69 days were almost perfect, everything seemed to be going so well. Only downside is my girlfriend received a concussion from being elbowed in the face. On day 34, a present for me my girlfriend had ordered arrived, a heart shaped neckless which split in two, one for each of us. I go to sleep that night happy as anything and so confident with our relationship and feeling strong together.
The next day I am on a phone call with my girlfriend whilst she is at the gym, and I am laying at home in bed really tired. As it happens i end up falling asleep on the phone, not for the first time. I am awoken some 30 minutes later with a Twitter DM from some random account I have never heard of. The mysterious messanger claims he has information about my relationship he must share with me. I agree to listen to his story, starting to worry at this point.( I would like to clarify I am still on the phone with my girlfriend, who is scilently sitting on the other end). So the mysterious messenger sends me pictures of his convocation with my girlfrind, including the messages she is sending live, right as the come in ( time stamp on the messages confirm). As you may have quessed at this point, they were sext messages, including pictures ( from the camera not gallery for clarification). I start crying and my girlfrind immediately pipes up and asks what's wrong. I ask her " is it true? Are you talking to someone else?" She persistently tells me that she is not and swears on her life that she isn't doing anything. So I tell her I have seen the texts and she is just scilent. Balling my eyes out on the phone and she is just sitting there scilent. 33 days away from coming and she has cheated, for the forth time, with three different men.

Ever since that last day I have found it incredibly hard to trust her again. She has explained to me multiple times that she blames all these events on her depression and childhood circumstances ( which have been confirmed by her other family members). She has not spoken to anyone about everything that has happened, nor have I with the most recent events.

I would like to mention at this point, throughout everything that happened, i never once spoke to another woman. I never went in search of someone else and I never was disloyal or chested or anything. I would also like to mention that the holiday plans was successful, and that now she is currently staying with me, and we are having an incredible time. But as you may also have guessed, I wouldn't be writing this if everything was 100% amazing.
Am I wrong for not trusting her?, Should I focus on all the good things and forgive all the negatives?

If you have read all of this then thank you for taking to time to read my story, and sorry about the length.

[basilandthyme]

I think that she probably is cheating. But I also believe that long distance relationships leave us at much greater risk of this happening because we're not getting our needs for intimacy met. Text, skype, msg - it just doesn't give the same amount of intimacy as being able to cuddle up on a sofa and enjoy each other's company and touch.

I'm not going to judge her for cheating. Instead, I'm going to suggest that she needs to recognise that LDRs (both you and her ex) do not meet her needs and she's silly for putting herself in this situation. She needs a man who is there for her in person.

[jessica11]

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