Got a message from an ex, need advice!

[Lilia]

Last year I met a guy who was a player and it was obvious to me from the beginning but I didn't care about it. We met a few times and had sex. In the end I developed deeper feelings for him and also got pregnant but then miscarried not long after (cos I drank so much at the new years party and I had no idea I was pregnant). Please don't judge me. So the last time I met with the guy I told him everything including the lost baby and my feelings. He felt terrible about it and even cried a bit but it was obvious that we were not gonna meet ever again. It was hard for me but I moved on and deleted him from Skype and Facebook. When he was saying goodbye I saw that he couldn't wait to walk away from me cos he was overwhelmed and he never had feeling for me. So.. A few days ago (1 year and 3 months) after that day he added me back on Skype. I accepted his friend request and he asked me how I was. I was a bit cold at first but then we had a nice and very short chat, he asked me if I still live in the same city and about my dog that was sick at the time we were dating… I didn't reply his last message which didn't consist a question and I didn't ask him any questions or showed interest in the chat. So we didn't say good night to each other. Also I didn't ask anything about his life. He also asked if I met other assholes like him and I didn't reply to that question. Now I see him on line every day and he doesn't text me. I don't understand why he added me, why he wanted to know how I was, he never cared about me, he only cared about sex… Do you think he felt guilty? May be he wanted to meet but I was too cold. I am waiting for him to text me again and it's not happening. But seeing him going on and off line makes me feel like he's still in my life and I am constantly reminded of his existence and what he does at certain moments. I can't text him cos I don't want to be responsible for what might happen in the future between us but if he initiates it I will go with the flow. I don't know what to do. I am really not able to delete him now from Skype. So I wonder what he is going to do next… and I wonder.. may be he has some feelings for me? He probably realizes that we can't meet just for sex ever again cos it was a disaster. He knows I have feelings for him. Seeing a message from him was like seeing a ghost literally. I guess the purpose of this post is to hear your opinions on why the guy added me back and what his motives are…and I don;t understand his silence. He could have added me and talk and in the end say "ok it was nice to hear the news from you now let's go our separate ways" but he didn't do that. I am very confused.

[Nicolelong]

My advice would be to delete him again if it is so tortuous to think about him contacting you again. I think that you made a classic mistake by hooking up with him knowing he was a player, then you got attached and he didn't.

My personal opinion is that he wanted to add you and say hi because of your shared experience with losing the baby, and you are reading into it too much. He was probably just wanting to check in and see if you are okay, and felt a bit awkward doing so, given your history. It's not an ideal situation, or a great foundation to build a relationship on.

At the end of the day, you really don't know each other that well, you never had a relationship, and he has no obligation to develop a new relationship with you or keep in regular contact.

[Lilia]

My advice would be to delete him again if it is so tortuous to think about him contacting you again. I think that you made a classic mistake by hooking up with him knowing he was a player, then you got attached and he didn't.

Right…thank you for your advice.
I think that may be I was too cold with him.
When he wrote "how are you" I wrote "One year after you decided to ask?"
But you are right he didn't have to contact me or show any interest in my life…
Now I feel like there are words that we need to say to each other.. like something is unfinished now or unsaid.
I want to ask him about his life…may be I should ask him and delete him after I get the answer but may be it makes no sense.
It is so hard to forget him because I guess the pregnancy made him more special for me I don't know.
Yes it is torturous to be reminded of his existence and at the same time it is good to see him on line once in a while… It is hard to explain but it is like we are still connected on some level and it comforts me. Like I haven't lost him forever.. I can reach him anytime…It might sound like I'm obsessed with him but it is not true. I have a life, I dated other guys too.

[Nicolelong]

It's understandable that you do feel that connection with him because you had a pregnancy by him and (assumably) this is the only guy you've had that happen with. Your experience is tied closely with him.

I apologize if I came off rude- I do not think that you are obsessed with him.

I think that if you are seeking closure from what happened, there's nothing wrong with contacting him and telling him how you feel. I would be cautiously optimistic about the situation though, as you may not get the answers you're looking for. If you really feel like it may close that chapter of your life, you may want to consider it.

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I also hope you are coping with the loss of your baby, that must have been very painful and confusing no matter what stage of pregnancy you were in

[Lilia]

It's understandable that you do feel that connection with him because you had a pregnancy by him and (assumably) this is the only guy you've had that happen with. Your experience is tied closely with him.

I apologize if I came off rude- I do not think that you are obsessed with him.

I think that if you are seeking closure from what happened, there's nothing wrong with contacting him and telling him how you feel. I would be cautiously optimistic about the situation though, as you may not get the answers you're looking for. If you really feel like it may close that chapter of your life, you may want to consider it.

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I also hope you are coping with the loss of your baby, that must have been very painful and confusing no matter what stage of pregnancy you were in

Thank you for being so understanding, your advice is very soothing. You didn't come off rude! You made me feel much better about the situation.

[smarta$$]

I don't get it. If you "didn't know you were pregnant", then how do you know you miscarried?

[Lilia]

I don't get it. If you "didn't know you were pregnant", then how do you know you miscarried?

and I don't get your blatant curiosity, how old are you?
I hadn't known that I was pregnant until I miscarried.

[smarta$$]

Well, it's not like a barbie doll falls out of you, so how do you know it was a pregnancy?

(I am old enough to ask a reasonable question, and smart enough to know that you can't tell by looking at vaginal blood to know you are miscarrying.)

[Lilia]

Well, it's not like a barbie doll falls out of you, so how do you know it was a pregnancy?

(I am old enough to ask a reasonable question, and smart enough to know that you can't tell by looking at vaginal blood to know you are miscarrying.)

Can I send you a private msg? cos I can't describe it here.

[smarta$$]

Sure, if you want to.

The thing is, I believe you may have been mistaken. If a doctor didn't confirm you were pregnant, I wouldn't bet on it.

For the record, I am a nurse.

[smarta$$]

Llilia, I see that you sent me a private message, but I do not have enough points to respond, and only got the one asking if I received your original message. Sorry.

[bbbb]

I do know the feeling when he's online. I know it so well and I never wish to feel it again.
I had it with a person whose behaviour I found so complicated it made my head ache and brought me to tears so many times 'cause I just couldn't understand him. In the end I realised he had mental issues (narcissistic personality disorder and probably a tinge of psychopathy) and it was best for me to just erase him from my life completely. I am not in a position to say that all relationships with people like that are doomed or impossible, but I know myself and I know I could never even be friends with him as I am to sensitive and he was just preying on that, whether consciously or not.

A "player" is often code for psychopathic features. Best to steer clear of him. It may sound cruel but they often get in touch when they're bored, and discard you when they've had their fun.

My advice: delete him from skype, facebook, don't text, don't spy on him no matter how curious you might be. It could be very hard (I couldn't do it myself! It might sound silly but I was weakened so much I had to sit with a friend and ask her to delete him for me) and it could take a long time to heal (took me 2 years and only got rid of the ghost of him when I met my current boyfriend, and yet he still shows up in my dreams sometimes) but I know it to be the best medicine. Time is the only cure, and if you keep hanging on to any hope or memory or even visual cue (seeing him available on skype) that he exists, you might never really free yourself. I am so very sorry to hear of your miscarriage, I imagine it must be even harder for you to forget this guy because of it but I would still advise to let it go as I don't think he'd ever change and clinging on to the past is never a good idea. Take care, be strong and I wish you all the best!

[megvoh]

Ignore him, he isn't the one for you.

[pcmaster]

Of course he could not forget about you after everything that happened. He realized that he used you and wanted to make things okay. At least make sure you are okay. Why he contacted you after a year? Because feelings had come down and he was able to be cool about you.

I don't think that past romance can repeat. But if you will be friendly to him then he will be friendly to you.

[CaseySp]

I agree with what everyone said here, to forget about him and move on with your life.

If he asks about you after one year, it could be for many reasons - just a random hi, or even for the small possibility of hooking up.