Backstory: I have known my best friend (who is a woman - 28 yrs old) for about a decade (We have been best friends for about half of that time). She is a warm person with a kind heart, who has been a true friend to me throughout the majority of my time knowing her. She has always been there for me after every break up, stood by me when I needed her support and displayed true loyalty. On the flip side, she has many, many issues.. But being the nonjudgmental person I am who looks for the good in people, I excuse many of the choices she makes because that's what I've always felt that true friends do. Her poor choices: She has been job hopping/jobless (mostly jobless) for the past 2-3 years. She can't seem to get herself together as much as she tries to- Attempts to get up, falls again, repeat. I believe it has been due to bad parenting (she doesn't have "bad" parents- but I believe they did not give all 4 of their children the attention they needed), a low self esteem/lack of self confidence, not realizing her potential/being afraid of challenges and things she was unfamiliar with. She has probably quit around 6-8 jobs in the past year to a year and a half. Or, she gets hired, but makes an excuse to back out. Her family has some mental illness as well- So I take that into consideration. But the real issue is.. She has a 4 year old daughter. She is a single parent who still lives under her parent's roof. She often uses time that could be used wisely to spend with multiple guys (some of which she sleeps with- And brings her daughter around most of them). She is trying to get over her ex (who she broke up with) and realized she wants him back. She is a good mom.. She just does not realize that some of the decisions she makes puts her child in bad situations. She has even smoked weed occasionally (not recently- as far as I know) and I could not understand why someone would do that when attempting to look for a job that could possibly drug test. Despite all of the above, she does have a very good heart but obviously not a very good head on her shoulders...
Over time, we've grown apart a bit because it's been difficult for me to continue to support someone who consistently makes the same mistakes, never seems to learn from them and who involves a child in many of them. I hang out with her about once or twice a month and we text just about every day. It is not the same because I've begun to lose respect for her - Yet, I still hold on because she is still a good friend.
Now.. My boyfriend and I have been together for 2.5 years now. They did not like each other much from the beginning. After a while, she became resentful that I spent the majority of my free time with him (keep in mind that I was in school, had a job, family and things I needed to get done). Eventually, she got fed up and we stopped talking for 6 months. She made unnecessary comments and told me I never made time for her - Which I responded with "That's because you haven't been the kind of person I go out of my way to make time for." After 6 months, she got drunk one night and texted me vile things - My boyfriend was next to me when this happened, took my phone from me and texted her back with vile comments. Ever since then, hatred between them was present. He does not believe she is a true friend to say what she had said to me ("I hope you die") and couldn't help but to stick up for me. We made up and became friends again. Other reasons why he does not like her: She constantly tells me I should leave him/talks badly about him (not all the time) and he's caught onto it. Furthermore, about a year ago I went to her friend's house for a board game night and this friend was a guy who happened to find me attractive. He firmly believes she brought me there with the intent to disrespect him - By trying to get me away from him and go for someone else.
She has been begging me to go out on Friday night in celebration of her birthday - Tons of people are going (men and women) and it looks like they will be going to hookah bars (most likely regular bars too) and to play billiards. My boyfriend is tired of her disrespect (he says she knows he wouldn't approve of me going but asks me anyway). He doesn't believe women in relationships have any place going clubbing or bar hopping, which I completely understand.
So- He gave me the ultimatum today after that invitation. It's either him or her. He can't be with someone whose best friend has screwed up time after time, has low morals, puts their child in harm's way occasionally, hates him and disrespects him. I told him that I have the ability to have someone in my life without it affecting the way I live mine - My choices have been opposite of hers, I have morals, make better decisions and have more self respect. I've tried expressing that although she and I aren't on the same path in life, I can have someone in my life (although not as closely anymore) if they have a good heart and have been a true friend. He disagrees and lives by the "you are who you surround yourself with" mentality.
Is he wrong to give me this ultimatum? Is this controlling? Or is it him trying to open up my eyes to see that moving on from people who don't have similar goals and morals as me is for the best? He is someone I could see myself spending my life with and I love him deeply. I am torn and lost. I feel no matter what I do, I will feel empty.