Hey all, just here to write out my thoughts and get some general insight, not really looking for directions, but advice is welcome :)

I've been dating this girl just shy of four months, and I think we're facing our first big hurdle. Last week she expressed her concerns about our compatibility, and suggested the smartest move would be to break things off. We met up a few days later and talked things out, and agreed not to break it off and try to change our approach instead of just giving up.

For background: Shes 23, I'm 27 M, she graduated college a year ago and hasn't been in a relationship since high school. I've been single for a little over six years myself, and I've never moved past the infatuation phase. One of us usually loses the feeling and breaks it off, so this situation is unexplored territory for me. Her last relationship was a long term "lets talk about marriage" deal, and after that ended she was the victim of a sexual assault, making me her first relationship attempt since then. She's dated, but nothing this serious. Her upbringing is quite traditional in terms of relationship dynamics, including abstaining from sex until marriage, and doing what's right, et cetera. Perfectionist of the highest caliber. Bisexual, and gender neutral to the point where, in her eyes, there are no men and women, just people. Being straight, I have that sexual attraction factor, so I cannot see things the exact same way, and she's cool with that.

Her first concern was that I'm not the "perfect" match for her. She believes partners should be all but the same person in terms of not just certain core values, but also how passionate they are about them, and also that I have personality traits similar to those of her last boyfriend, which became the reasons for their breakup. I propose that, in the long explanation of someone's perfect partner that she gave which I cannot attempt to reproduce here, she described the perfect friend and, in her naivete as far as love and relationships goes, doesn't understand my definition of someone that's similar on certain key points but different enough to learn from. It's not that our values clash, but that I'm not as devoted as she is. I think I was able to prove that while I don't express it, I do care about the things she cares about (gender equality, the arts, etc), and she said that she's willing to consider room for error in her idea of the perfect partner. Didn't say this yet, but if we revisit this point I want to think that because I'm similar to someone she was with for so long, that she's afraid she made a mistake with the last guy and doesn't want to admit it was a mistake (perfectionist), so she's gonna make the same decision again to self-affirm that she was right the first time. Or maybe that it wasn't a mistake then, but would be now because of her unwillingness to reexamine her "narcissistic image" of the ideal partner (her words). For instance, I used to look for people that were just like me as well, met someone, and it wasn't at all what I expected. Imagine arguing with yourself, but you're the only one of you that realizes what's going on. Anyway, I decided to start looking for someone mostly similar, which is were I'm at now, so I'm of the mind that while you shouldn't drastically change what it is you're looking for in a person, you should be willing to look past the less important differences.

Her second reason was that I'm much more emotionally invested in the relationship than she is, and willing to compromise and sacrifice for her, making the relationship unbalanced. In fact, she doesn't know how she feels, whether I'm the one or that she knows she doesn't feel for me. I agreed there, and admitted that when I'm in the throes of infatuation I fall HARD for whoever piques my pheromones. I told her I was basically high on her, and that since she brought the problem up I've been able to see through that and realize things aren't as perfect and wonderful as I thought they were. That knocked me down a peg, and she said that she's got some emotional walls to overcome herself and is willing to put some effort into looking past them and seeing how she feels about me.

Lastly, our communication has been spotty in general. Hindsight being 20/20, I missed a major red flag that she was feeling unsure about two weeks ago and all but told her to break up with me. Thinking that's what I wanted, she tried to.

We talked for a few hours tonight about us and everything, and while we aren't breaking things off right now, we're not committing to anything (I had to ask if this still implies exclusivity, because everyone seems to take their own liberties with that. Don't know her take yet, but it's like 4 am right now and she has an early day). She could very well be right, we're not compatible enough to last, but my argument is that I'd rather know we're not right for each other and end things that way than her deciding it based on a maybe" and potentially immature views. I don't know about most people, but I find what I'm looking for changes as I grow, so she might want to make a readjustment of what she's looking for. I'm not asking her to change it, but maybe compromise on the fantasy aspects on just how devoted to something someone has to be.

Our plan from this point on is simple, to put it bluntly we'll give us some more time and revisit our feelings when something changes. We're aware that how things are now isn't healthy, but that my feelings could just be infatuation and when that wears off I can assess my feelings more accurately. Meanwhile, I'm also going to get past my own emotional walls and share more of me so that she has material to work with in figuring out her own feelings, and she's going to reassess what a realistic idea is for a potential partner, without promising to change anything if she decides it's what she wants. Her only concern is that from here on out our time together might feel like an assessment of what's in the back of our minds, and I can see that, but either we have to ignore it or accept it as a part of the process.

I guess the only question I'd ask, since I'm here, would be if this is the right course of action? I think our problems boil down to a lack of communication and either an unwillingness to compromise on her end, or an unwillingness to see the problems for what they are on mine. I convinced her to give it a shot because I think it's stupid to give up when she's not unhappy with the way things are, and for her to make a decision when she doesn't know how she feels. I'd be more willing to accept her point of view if she knew she didn't love me and never will than make an assumption on what might happen.

Oh, and another question, because it seemed the one thing we couldn't work out: If we keep this up, but she doesn't seem to be any closer to figuring her feelings out, and I'm still feeling the way I do, how long before it's just not going to happen? I suggested, if that's the case, we give it until the new year before considering breaking it off as the best option. That way, it seems like a fair amount of time (same from now to then as it has been from the beginning to now), and I won't have to try and figure out valentine's day with this kind of dynamic. Plus, the "fresh start" aspect might make things easier for me if I'm still under the effects of chemical love and take the final cut poorly.

Thanks for reading all that, and keep in mind I'm mostly here for an appraisal, because of how new this is for me. Sorry if that's weird :/