How to convince my ex I no longer care about marriage?

[Roses919191]

But the relationship was great and he was always nice to me until the first time (14 months in) I brought up him not saying "I love you" back and that I wasn't sure if we wanted the same things in the future (marriage, family). Because that's the first time he tried to sneak w the other girl- not cheat but flirt & sneak. Before that, the only lie he told was when we had a date night 6 months into our relationship- told me he was stuck late at work and had to push it back but a single coworker had texted him to meet their coworkers out for a drink "and I was hoping you'd take me home afterward " which probably just meant drive her. I wasn't mad that he went , but he lied about reason and deleted her texts.

[Wakeup]

I don't whose more codependent here. Us for feeling compelled to keep answering her seriously/jokingly or her for continuing to want someone who doesn't value her in the least?

[Roses919191]

I don't whose more codependent here. Us for feeling compelled to keep answering her seriously/jokingly or her for continuing to want someone who doesn't value her in the least?

Just because he flirted with like one other girl behind my back for a month or so, and asked her for pics one time, doesn't mean he didn't value me. And him saying "I warned you that if you keep bringing up marriage/the future I'll leave" just means that he didn't want to feel pressured and wanted me to just trust him to do it eventually. My problem was when I asked what "eventually" meant- "Do you think within a few years, or what?" He'd get furious and I don't know WHY

[solarion]

I post here primarily out of amusement at this point and generally after the "serious" threads have run their course. It seems clear there's not much light seeping through the stubborn rose-wood wall of denial. Then too, I think there's a bit of a morbid "rubbernecking" factor involved here where it's just stunning what a fvcked up mess someone can make out of their relationships.

[Roses919191]

I post here primarily out of amusement at this point and generally after the "serious" threads have run their course. It seems clear there's not much light seeping through the stubborn rose-wood wall of denial. Then too, I think there's a bit of a morbid "rubbernecking" factor involved here where it's just stunning what a fvcked up mess someone can make out of their relationships.

How did I make it into a mess?

[solarion]

How did I make it into a mess?

By not respecting yourself and by not demanding respect for yourself. Own it.

[Roses919191]

By not respecting yourself and by not demanding respect for yourself. Own it.

What should I have done to demand respect from him?

[solarion]

what should i have done to demand respect from him?

kicked him to the gd curb.

[Roses919191]

kicked him to the gd curb.

Just bc of flirting with one girl? Or bc he "warned" me I couldn't keep bringing up marriage or ever expecting it to be a discussion or else he'd dump me?

[solarion]

Sure. Threats are a form of intimidation/manipulation. ...or because he doesn't love you. ...or because he treated his ex like garbage and treats you similarly. ...or because he's shallow.

You can't expect someone to respect you if you allow them to stomp you. It just says "hey, I don't respect me either".

[basilandthyme]

Just bc of flirting with one girl? Or bc he "warned" me I couldn't keep bringing up marriage or ever expecting it to be a discussion or else he'd dump me?

How about for refusing to speak to you each time there was a disagreement? How about for dumping you repeatedly?

How about for this? >>After a year of dating, I notice he barely sends 1 text a day, never plans dates or even to "hang out" in advance (though doesn't turn you down whenever you suggest coming over his place). That was my BF --Never tries to make any real conversation about how my day or his day was, about his family (he literally told me nothing), or plans he might suggest for the weekend let alone the future. Criticized (actually very highly respected) job even in front of my own mom. Aloof and cold, forget smiles, sweet words, or any sort of physical affection. (My own family noticed his coldness whenever they were around him; he was cold both to them and to me.) In fact, if I asked for a hug or asked if he wanted to come to bed/cuddle, he'd stare and said "you're not 5 years old."

After over a year, he had never said "I love you" -- but besides that, he also never told me anything he loved or appreciated or respected about me- even some dumb random little thing. If I tell him I got praise from a boss at work, he responds "cool" with a flat voice and face, later tells me "what are you a 5 year old? Are you expecting me to pat you on the back?"<<

- - - Updated - - -

You seem to have memory issues. Have you had this investigated by a doctor?

[Roses919191]

So I chalked most of it up to him just being a strong, independent man. Who had a terrible childhood (all he'd ever tell me was "when you've seen the things I've seen at a young age, you learn fast that the world can be a terrible place. It isn't worth making any plans for the future like you always want to, because who knows if I'll even be here in a few years?"). He made that last comment I think in reference to fact he was having visa issues - it was annoying because when I'd ask and try to understand he'd scoff and say "what do you know about that? You're an American "

[basilandthyme]

So I chalked most of it up to him just being a strong, independent man. Who had a terrible childhood (all he'd ever tell me was "when you've seen the things I've seen at a young age, you learn fast that the world can be a terrible place. It isn't worth making any plans for the future like you always want to, because who knows if I'll even be here in a few years?"). He made that last comment I think in reference to fact he was having visa issues - it was annoying because when I'd ask and try to understand he'd scoff and say "what do you know about that? You're an American "

well that was stupid of you, wasn't it

[Roses919191]

well that was stupid of you, wasn't it

What was stupid of me?

[basilandthyme]

What was stupid of me?

Excusing his behaviour. The stuff you wrote in opening post of your "is this toxic" thread should have been a dealbreaker for any reasonable person.