Ex-Wife no longer believes in marriage

[The Godfather]

well this is kinda a long story, but i'll try to give the abridged version. I'll start by giving a background of our relationship.

I met my wife 5 years ago, and we dated for 3. After that we got engaged, and were married for almost 2. About a month ago, she decides to move out and essentially ends the relationship. I just filed for divorce a few weeks ago. We still talk and keep up a decent amount of contact, and there is not much negativity between us.

Anyway, since we've been talking, I've asked her a good amount about why she left. She has said that a big part of why she left is because her views on life are changing dramatically. She has explained that she doesn't believe in marriage anymore; that she believes it has broken down what is truly important involving trust, love and commitment. However she still loves me, and feels the same about me as she did when she married me. She even says that she still sees me as her soulmate, and the only one she will ever love. She explained that she still believes we will end up together.

Kinda hit me like a sack of bricks. I don't even really know how I feel about that. A lot to think about.

She has also explained that she believes in open relationships now. It goes along with her new view on commitment. According to her, true commitment is the ability to be confident enough with your love for someone, that having sex with other people will strengthen the relationship. Only with people you are connected with, however, not just sex for the sake of sex.

I have had a couple one night stands since we separated, and I was talking with her about them. When I asked if she had sex with anyone since we split up, she said that she thought about it for a moment, but decided she wasn't going to sleep with anyone until either we have gotten back together, or we both decide we don't want to reconcile... kinda backwards from what I've come to expect from relationships.

This is all pretty new to me. I've never really lead this type of lifestyle, but me and my ex wife have discussed it in our past. I guess I'm just asking for any thoughts, experiences, advice... anything really, involving open relationships, or my wife's abrupt change in behavior.

[masteromotayo]

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[IndiReloaded]

I think your wife is hiding her real reason for leaving. Her excuse sounds like BS to me. She walks away from a marriage claiming its eroding commitment? LOL, well, that's irony for you.

You could point out to her the problem w/her logic, but that probably wouldn't do you any good.

Have you tried counselling? Are you planning to go? She sounds like she's an avoider. Someone who is afraid of communicating her real issues.

[The Godfather]

I think your wife is hiding her real reason for leaving. Her excuse sounds like BS to me. She walks away from a marriage claiming its eroding commitment? LOL, well, that's irony for you.

You could point out to her the problem w/her logic, but that probably wouldn't do you any good.

Have you tried counselling? Are you planning to go? She sounds like she's an avoider. Someone who is afraid of communicating her real issues.

I actually pointed that out to her, in our last conversation. She responded saying that commitment doesn't necessitate marriage. She also said that if we decide to remain together, there would be no reason to stay married, since we would have an open relationship. The concepts of open relationships and marriage clash for her.

I do know what you mean though, at first i thought she was lying about the reasons she was leaving me. However, she seems pretty adamant about continuing to be together, just not in the married way.

We are currently in counseling

[IndiReloaded]

The argument about marriage goes both ways. If she is truly committed then marriage (or whatever) shouldn't matter either way. She sounds a bit silly, IMO. Good luck with the counselling.

[The Godfather]

The argument about marriage goes both ways. If she is truly committed then marriage (or whatever) shouldn't matter either way. She sounds a bit silly, IMO. Good luck with the counselling.

It's funny. Somehow this one little comment more than anything else made me seriously stop and think about how honest she's being.

[IndiReloaded]

Well, I could have told you upfront that its a lame excuse on her part, but without some logic behind my argument I doubt it would have had the same effect.

I've been with my husband for almost 20 years, btw. Married for almost 15. Marriage has natural ups & downs. Its a growth experience & a personal lesson about commitment. Marriage isn't so important of itself, IMO, its just one of many possible 'proving grounds' for learning about commitment. Its as good as any other, in other words.

Sounds to me like she's learning about the IDEA of commitment for the first time, but she doesn't really have a gut understanding of what it entails. The harsh realities associated with a lovely theoretical concept. A lot of ppl get stuck at this level, where ideas come up against harsh reality. Common for a society that reads a lot of pop-psych or watches too much Oprah, I'm afraid.

Does she have it otherwise good in your relationship? Are there other problems from your end? What I'm asking is, crudely put, do you have issues with being a good partner (do you meet her emotional needs, good communicator, etc) or is she largely a drama gal growing out of a Cinderella complex?

[vashti]

I agree with indi - she isn't telling you the truth. I was thinking she must have another guy on the side (not many women offer up the idea of "open" relationships unless they have someone they want); I don't know what to make of her denial, though. Is she a liar?

[The Godfather]

or is she largely a drama gal growing out of a Cinderella complex?

That sounds like my old lady. Spot on. This is pretty much been my ongoing thought on the subject. She has been kinda going through this quasi hippie, pagan, oprah fueled, spiritual thing. It actually is almost as if she's going crazy. Never seen her like this.

As for having a guy on the side, that's also what I was having thoughts about. But what doesn't make sense to me, is that since I've been so up front about my sexual experiences since our separation, I don't understand why she would still be keeping it from me. It's not as if I could be high and mighty, and I've explained that it doesn't matter what decisions she makes, I'll still love her, and I think she should live her life the way she wants. What kind of women would continue to lie, hearing that?

[IndiReloaded]

Well, I guess the ball is really in your court then unless the counselling brings some things to light for your wife.

As for working things out, can you really stomach being in a relationship with her even tho she doesn't want marriage? What about your needs and views about marriage & commitment. Or don't you get a say? Aren't you just the slightest bit pissed off that she's decided she owns the definition of commitment without discussing it with you?

To me, this is no different than if you decided to move her to Utah & become polygamous without her input.

Unless you've decided you can't take it anymore, I'm not so sure that you should have been the one to start the divorce proceedings in this case. If you can, I'd stop them. She's the one with the funky ideas about marriage & commitment. Let HER do it. I'm sure the judge would be thrilled to hear about her new found theories.

[The Godfather]

I'm sure the judge would be thrilled to hear about her new found theories.

... that is brilliant

[lesa]

Is she dealing with a full deck of cards?

[The Godfather]

As far as I know, yes. However she did come from a very troubled childhood. Maybe about... 51 cards perhaps

[IndiReloaded]

... that is brilliant

I've been known to have a couple of ideas here & there.

Seriously, you are in a fight. Whether its to save your marriage or get a fair divorce you need to make sure you are protecting yourself. Your sig suggests you have a child? With her? You have that to consider also. Don't roll over and show your belly, esp if you are fighting for your family. If your wife truly believes her new beliefs are worth other ppls suffering, then I wouldn't spare her any embarrassment when it comes to the courts. At the least, it will help with deciding custody.

[Dasein]

that having sex with other people will strengthen the relationship.

I have always wondered how this works