How to convince my ex I no longer care about marriage?

[Roses919191]

I'm torn bc he claims I ruined the relationship by "pressuring about marriage." But the very first time I brought up the topic (14 months in), he immediately tried to sneak out with another girl to a bar at midnight and already was telling me that he'd decide when to propose "some day" and warned me not to try to ever discuss it further, or else He'd take longer to do it.

[solarion]

Vuja De, the feeling that somehow... none of this has ever happened before.

...yeah not having that so much.

[basilandthyme]

I'm torn bc he claims I ruined the relationship by "pressuring about marriage." But the very first time I brought up the topic (14 months in), he immediately tried to sneak out with another girl to a bar at midnight and already was telling me that he'd decide when to propose "some day" and warned me not to try to ever discuss it further, or else He'd take longer to do it.

How is this relevant to excusing all his unacceptable behaviour?

[Roses919191]

How is this relevant to excusing all his unacceptable behaviour?

Well he just flirted and snuck with that girl because he felt scared that I wanted to discuss the future after 14 months and maybe felt I was going to break up w him so he had to have options

[basilandthyme]

Well he just flirted and snuck with that girl because he felt scared that I wanted to discuss the future after 14 months and maybe felt I was going to break up w him so he had to have options

None of this is relevant to the rest of his behaviour. And he's not scared - he's manipulative and doesn't give a shit about your feelings.

Still wanting to know why you excuse all his other behaviours

[Roses919191]

None of this is relevant to the rest of his behaviour. And he's not scared - he's manipulative and doesn't give a shit about your feelings.

Still wanting to know why you excuse all his other behaviours

Which other behaviors are you referring to- being cold and unloving and telling me work is his priority not me? I feel like he just did those things to withdraw since he's scared of commitment and thought I was "pushing" it (though I never gave ultimatums, said I wanted something by a certain date or year, etc- just wanted to talk more about the future with him)

[melancholia]

So it's not that I ruined things bc I kept bringing up marriage and didn't trust him (which is what he claims), but rather that he was lying and had never wanted to marry me in first place?

Correct! Although the reason why he dumped you is actually irrelevant. He dumped you because he was tired of you and the relationship, and honestly? I would be too, sociopath or not.

Is that the logical conclusion that's drawn from him trying to sneak with another girl after telling me that he loved me and wanted to marry me for first time? Not that I put too much pressure on him by bringing up those topics after over a year so he needed that girl as an "escape"? Because he'd seemed so into me up until that point when I started trying to talk future. I keep thinking he just needed more time and that if I give him space now he'll come around

No. The logical conclusion is that he won't come around. He flat out told you that he warned you he would dump you if you pushed him "past the point of no return", and you did. So he duped you. End of story.

You will continue to humiliate yourself until one of two things happens: He gets a restraining order against you. OR You somehow come to the conclusion that he doesn't want you and you will eventually, albeit probably reluctantly, move on. Seeing as this is the second thread you've initiated with the exact same problem and absolutely ZERO progress, I am inclined to believe the former will win out in this scenario.

[basilandthyme]

Which other behaviors are you referring to- being cold and unloving and telling me work is his priority not me? I feel like he just did those things to withdraw since he's scared of commitment and thought I was "pushing" it (though I never gave ultimatums, said I wanted something by a certain date or year, etc- just wanted to talk more about the future with him)

The behaviours which you described in the opening post of your "is this toxic?" thread. I cut and pasted it all a just few posts back.

Are you this obtuse in real life?

[Roses919191]

How is it fair that right from our early conversations about marriage or future he would say "I'm warning you not to keep bringing it up?" It just felt like a dictatorshup

[Wakeup]

How is it fair that right from our early conversations about marriage or future he would say "I'm warning you not to keep bringing it up?" It just felt like a dictatorshup

Shit... I didn't know that they give you computer time in the psychiatric hospital?

[topazlight]

Why do you want a person who doesn't want you as much?

[basilandthyme]

How is it fair that right from our early conversations about marriage or future he would say "I'm warning you not to keep bringing it up?" It just felt like a dictatorshup

Well you accepted it, so it must have been fine with you

[Roses919191]

Shit... I didn't know that they give you computer time in the psychiatric hospital?

I belong in a psych ward because I didn't like his treatment of me or doubted he was serious about marrying me?

[basilandthyme]

troll be trollin

[Roses919191]

I tried to ask him if his mom had her own ideas about whom he should marry and that's why he didn't want me to meet or talk to her after 2 years. His response was to yell that I'm an ignorant American. I said "you've literally told me nothing about your family in 2 years so I'm just asking basic questions to try to gather Info." He sneered "well you keep asking the same question all night. Let's see where that gets you. Let's see if I'll respond." I started saying how I just wanted us to hVe an open honest convo... And he started doing this thing where he stared blankly at the wall or his laptop, pretending I didn't exist, all night long. Then ignored me for a full week when he went out of country to fix a "visa problem"