It feels like I'm starting to loose my boyfriend. Need advice

[Novachick99]

Hey!

Me and my boyfriend have been together for about 3 years now, and everything has been great. But 3-4 months ago something started to happen. He suddenly became cold and distant. I am a pretty honest and upfront person so I tried to ask him what it was. But as every man out there, he said that it was "nothing" or that he was just tired.

I am getting tired of this now and I feel that I have to do something about it. I hope that you guys can help me and give me some tips.

Is there any way that I can get my man back and bring the love back into our relationship?

Thank you!

[Lwalter]

Hello novachick99!

I really hope that the talented people of this forum can help you out with your problems. I have been in the same seat as you and I know that most women has been there too.

There are several different ways to do this. There are a lot of different things that you can do with your behavior around him that can change him and make him love you more. I will try explain one of these "techniques" a little more. I have tried this myself several times and now include this in my dating life.

I suggest you try a technique that is called "the respect principle". It is based on a study conducted by Shaunti Feldhahn made in 2006. I'll try to explain the respect principle in one sentence: "The majority of men would rather give up your love, than lose your respect for him." So ask yourself, do you feel like you've lost respect for him lately? If you have, maybe that's where the problem is. I have actually written about this on my website (in my signature) if you want to read more about it.

Good luck!

[TheEvilJester]

Nova,

We guys aren't the best at being open about our feelings and emotions. Heck, I'm much more in touch with my emotions than your typical guy and even I am not all that terribly open with them with other people..... rarely even with those I trust the most.

It's a guy thing. Don't get me wrong. I am not saying that makes it okay. That does not make it okay. I am just saying, I wouldn't get too overly worried about that, in and of itself.

Now, you can tell something is obviously bothering him. Not being a mind-reader, you obviously do not know what. Would you say there are any clues or anything making you think that it may have anything to do with you? Or could it just be that there are other things bothering him and it is just affecting his general mood?

Either way, you have done the right thing by trying to be there for him. Unfortunately, he has given you the default guy reaction of simple short responses like "It's nothing," or "I'm fine."

The problem is, you can tell by the changes in his mood that it is most certainly not "nothing" and he is definitely not "fine." If he isn't being forthcoming with his feelings even after several casual attempts by you to ask him what is wrong, then he is leaving you no option but to have a more serious talk with him about it.

I would recommend you put this in your own words rather than copying exactly from me, but here is a basic idea for how I would personally handle this if I were you. Something to the effect of....

"Look, I can tell something has been wrong and I am starting to get worried. If there is something wrong with us, I'd like to talk about it. Maybe we can work through it. Maybe there is really nothing wrong with us and you are just going through other stuff right now, but the way you've been lately has made me feel like something is wrong between us. I can't help if you don't let me. If it has nothing to do with us, then you know I am here for you no matter what it is. You can talk to me about anything."

I think, too often, we guys have the default reaction of just thinking we need to just brush things off and get over it. Hell, that honestly IS sometimes the best reaction to take with trouble in life. Sometimes it is better to just pick yourself up, dust yourself off, forget it and move on......

The thing is, since this continues to effect his mood, obviously something is wrong and obviously it isn't getting better. Whether or not it has anything to do with you, it isn't right of him to be so cold and distant with you. He may not mean to do that, but that doesn't make it any more right.

So, all you can do is try to be there for him and try to get him to talk. You've tried to sort of casually ask him what is wrong, and that has not worked. I would recommend a slightly more direct approach. I wouldn't personally suggest being all that firm yet. In other words, I would not personally think it is time to take the kid gloves off, so to speak. I would still approach it minus any anger and not at all confrontational.

You want to avoid having to take it to that level if you can because that could only make matters worse. For now, you should just approach it more directly. In other words, more so with the attitude that you are there for him and you want to help him work through whatever is going on, but that you aren't just going to sit back and do nothing while you see him having a rough time.

Does that make sense? Sometimes I can't tell if things only make sense in my head, or if I've explained them well. LOL!

Anyway, good luck to you either way. I hope he can finally just be honest with you. Bottom line, whether or not his mood is because of you in any way, he needs to be more open with you. If there are problems he is having with you, how are you two supposed to deal with it if he won't even talk to you about it? If they have absolutely nothing to do with you, but he is just suffering through an extra heaping helping of life's crap these days.... well, that is exactly what loved ones are for, to grab a shovel and help us dig our way out. He's not giving you that chance, so how are you supposed to help him. Again, good luck to you. I hope it works out well.