how can i save my relationship before its too late?

[b0ris]

@ smara$$ - the beach was organized I advance. When I got to the beach my brother texted me to ask if I wanted to go to see my father that day, but I was already at the beach & couldn't change the plans. After I lost it with my partner we decided to go home anyway as the day was spoiled. I later asked my brother if he could wait for me to get home before going to see our dad, which we did do that night.

[b0ris]

@ theeviljester - u mentioned that u had been in a very similar situation & I just wondered if you would tell me your similar story either here or by pm as it may give me a different perspective on my situation. If not then its ok mate.

[basilandthyme]

b0ris, you're all about blaming yourself here. And yes, you are responsible for your own behaviours.

BUT, what about her behaviour? Why do you love a woman who falsely accuses you and doesn't trust you? Her behaviour is not at all acceptable

[b0ris]

b0ris, you're all about blaming yourself here. And yes, you are responsible for your own behaviours.

BUT, what about her behaviour? Why do you love a woman who falsely accuses you and doesn't trust you? Her behaviour is not at all acceptable

I will be honest & say that I have seen lots of other Polish couples, & have been told by other men who have had a Polish gf that they can be VERY jealous & obsessive, so I have come to think of it as something that is normal, or I did in the beginning, but when it escalated & I had other stresses in my life I just couldnt cope with it on top of everything else

[basilandthyme]

I will be honest & say that I have seen lots of other Polish couples, & have been told by other men who have had a Polish gf that they can be VERY jealous & obsessive, so I have come to think of it as something that is normal, or I did in the beginning, but when it escalated & I had other stresses in my life I just couldnt cope with it on top of everything else

It may be common in a Polish culture (I can't comment on that), but is it something which is OK with you? Would you not prefer to look for a woman who respects and trusts you?

[smarta$$]

@ smara$$ - the beach was organized I advance. When I got to the beach my brother texted me to ask if I wanted to go to see my father that day, but I was already at the beach & couldn't change the plans. After I lost it with my partner we decided to go home anyway as the day was spoiled. I later asked my brother if he could wait for me to get home before going to see our dad, which we did do that night.

Why did you not consider just canceling the beach? Was it not a leisure trip? Did you not understand that your father was sick?

What I am wondering is if maybe your overreaction was in part related to guilt for going off to do something frivolous when your father was in need. Did your girlfriend expect you to value a trip to the beach over visiting your father? Was this a routine sort of expectation?

[b0ris]

Why did you not consider just canceling the beach? Was it not a leisure trip? Did you not understand that your father was sick?

What I am wondering is if maybe your overreaction was in part related to guilt for going off to do something frivolous when your father was in need. Did your girlfriend expect you to value a trip to the beach over visiting your father? Was this a routine sort of expectation?

I did feel guilty. That is true. We had been at the beach maybe 10 mins before I got the text from my brother. And I was using the toilet facilities at the time. I didnt want to upset my partner so I txted my brother back & didn't tell her.
But yes of course I felt guilty for not going to the hospital.

We have been getting along better this wk. I organized that the 2 of us go out to a restaurant for her 40th birthday. I thought she would say no but she said yes.
However, after I came home from my table tennis session (to give her the space she wanted) I felt that dread in the air again. She looked pretty pissed for some reason & not speaking. I didn't want to ask her anything. I will not argue again. I'm trying to think sensibly about it - maybe its that shes tired, or worrying about her theory test or that she's sad because her brother will be leaving for Poland soon. Another part of me has this sinking feeling again. Like this isn't going to end well

[TheEvilJester]

@ theeviljester - u mentioned that u had been in a very similar situation & I just wondered if you would tell me your similar story either here or by pm as it may give me a different perspective on my situation. If not then its ok mate.

My personal experience is really more so similar in spirit rather than specifics, if that makes any sense. You can feel free to PM me if you'd like, but the PMs on this website are annoyingly constricting. I think they only allow you something like 1000 characters, which sounds like a lot more than it is. Folks who know me on this message board know by now that 1000 characters is NOWHERE near enough for me. LOL!

However, I've shared bits and pieces of my story here on these boards before, so I don't mind just sharing here.

As I said, my situation was similar in the basic spirit/attitude of it, not in the specifics. In other words, the problem with my ex was not jealousy. She never had jealousy issues, and also knew that she could trust me. I'm the kind of guy who'd rather slice off my own arm slowly with a rusty fork then to ever do something so heinous as to cheat on somebody.

However, the problem with our relationship was just about everything else. Worst of all, though, she was really good at hiding everything about herself. She pretended to be somebody she was not so well for so long that it took me a while to realize the person I was trying to hold onto when things went bad had never really existed.

She was one of those people who was so relentlessly negative that they could find a reason to complain about ANYTHING. One of those people who can NEVER be happy no matter how much they have handed to them in life. One of those people whose negativity starts to infect other people. She constantly battled with depression (but in such a way that most of it seemed to be for attention rather than sincere) but outright refused to do anything to try to fight it or get help.

I spent years being the supportive, loving partner I am only to be treated like absolute crap just for trying to be there for her. I was never appreciated in the slightest. It got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore and I started to become extremely negative as well. I am not proud of the person I became. I was no longer supportive of her and had a very short fuse for hell bull crap.....

Which is exactly when she started to blame me for all of her bull$h*t. It was such to the point that I was actually doubting myself and thinking maybe I had a problem. Truth is, I did have a problem... a huge problem..... HER.

So, I think you can kind of see what I mean when I say that our situations are different, but still similar. It wasn't the exact same things I faced, but it was the same kind of self-doubt it instilled in me, almost like my self-perception was clouded by her negativity. Trust me, I don't need any help feeling down on myself, and certainly not from a romantic partner, who should be the person who is supposed to be lifting me up more than anybody else.

For about a million different reasons, I am SO glad I got out of that relationship, and SO puzzled as to why the Hell it took me so long to see that. Honestly, I could live the rest of my life completely alone, and die never again getting to have another relationship.... and I'd still be a million times more happy than I was trapped in that relationship.

Now, maybe my situation isn't quite the same as yours. Maybe this is just one small issue in an otherwise good relationship. Maybe you see something we are not seeing just by the details you share that makes her worth giving the chance. Only you can really know that, and if you sincerely feel you two could have a chance, then take that chance if that is what you want to do. I can't really know if your situation is as comparable to mine as it is hitting me. I can just tell you that it feels that way to me from the details you shared, and if that IS the case, my personal recommendation from experience would be not to put yourself through that.

Good luck to you, though, either way you decide to go. I hope you find the woman very soon who will make you forever happy... whether that winds up being her or somebody else.

[b0ris]

Thanks for your comments all. And @ TheEvilJester - my situation IS like yours, & tonight I told her how I feel.
We are supposed to go for a meal for her birthday tomorrow which I had organized & she showed little interest & wanted it to be quick, which is disrespectful Imo. So I told her that the reason why thins have become what they are is because of her actions. HER accusations, HER silent treatment leading me to do the same which is something I have never done in a relationship before now, & that I only did it hoping that she would reach out to me for a change. SHE never listened to me when I was crying out for help with my comments of "I help you & your family, but nobody helps me when I need it. You've never helped me out or been there for me". I have had NOBODY care about me nor had anyone to talk to regarding my fathers illness & death which still affects me now.
She then started accusing me of raising my voice which I wasn't. I told her that I will never shout at her again & I will never argue with her again because i don't care.

She said nothing, & I don't care.

[TheEvilJester]

God, your situation DOES sound so much like mine. Again, our exact situations may not be exactly the same, but the general spirit of it all certainly is very much the same. I know just how you feel when you say that you were always there for her, and yet when you are in need, she is NEVER there for you. That is EXACTLY the kind of experience I had. I was always there for her, would bend over backwards to do anything I could to help.... the way, really, I think you should in a relationship. Yet, I always had to suffer through my own problems alone. She was NEVER there for me.

In fact, my father was actually going through some health issues of his own at one point. Thankfully my father is okay for now, but he actually nearly passed away once in the hospital. Then there was also the time when my grandmother passed away. In both of those cases, it wound up being that I had to spend my time comforting HER because it supposedly made her think of her loved ones (such as her grandmother with whom she is very close) and worrying about the day when they may pass away. Don't get me wrong. The death (or near death) of somebody close in your life CAN lead you to think of others close to you and get upset.... but when MY father is in the hospital and nearly loses his life, or MY grandmother passes away, I shouldn't have to be the rock for HER. SHE should have been there for ME.

I've always been nearly unbreakable, sometimes to the point where I HATE it because it would be so much easier just to be able to have a breakdown and start over. Instead, sh*t just piles and piles on me, and I still don't break. Anyway, my point being it wasn't like I necessarily NEEDED her to be there for me.... it is just the principle of the thing. Your partner, your significant other, should be the one you can count on more than anybody to be your rock when your world is crumbling around you. Moments like that proved to me that I couldn't count on her. If I ever truly did need somebody, I'd just be alone.

You know something? I'm BETTER OFF alone than I am with somebody like that. It sounds to me like the same is the case for you. Again, I can't really know that since I am just a faceless Evil Jester on the Internet. But, it sure as Hell sounds like you and I are very much cut from the same cloth, and that you are suffering the same atrocities I did. Just simply being there for you in times of need is one of the simplest and most basic things a significant other should be able to do. If they can't even do that, then maybe they don't deserve you in the first place.

Also, it's funny, but the way she deflects the argument and tries to make you sound like the bad guy seems SO much like my ex as well. She would pull the same kind of immature two year old throwing a temper tantrum bull crap like accusing me of yelling at her when we were having an argument. There is a HUGE difference between speaking with some raised emotions and actually YELLING at somebody. Granted, it would certainly be ideal if you can have an argument with a completely calm and level head, but you show me the person who can claim they've never gotten upset and had a heated argument with somebody and I'll show you a liar. (Because they are the same person.)

But, like I said, there is a big difference between just having a bit of a heated argument, and actually full on yelling and screaming at somebody. A difference between speaking angrily and completely losing your cool. But, selfish cowards like my ex just can't ever admit to being wrong and/or to being the cause of the upset feelings, so they just have this selfish attitude like they think they are never to blame for anything.

From the sound of your latest update, you gave her a chance to have an honest and constructive conversation with you, and instead she just chose to ignore and deflect it and act like you had some nerve to even bring it up to her in the first place. Again, I will reiterate that I can't know the full situation without being you. Maybe there are reasons that you think this relationship is worth fighting to keep, and if you sincerely DO, then I say fight for it and at least give it a chance. I'll just say that the more and more you share of your story, the more and more it sounds like mine and the more and more I think you'd be better off without her.

Good luck to you, friend.

[b0ris]

A lot has happened since my last post.
Her brother went back t Poland 2 days ago which was emotional for us all. She couldn't stop crying & I tried to be there for her. I put my hand on her shoulder & rubbed her back & held her arm (1st time we've touched on about 2,months). She didn't pull away which was good. I was very emotional also.

Then yesterday she found out that her Uncle is,dying of lung cancer, which has upset her again. I was there for her, & told her she should take time off work to go to Poland & see him. I know how it feels to see a loved one on that situation, so it upset me too.

I think this,is the end of us tbh. She has told me many tomes,how she misses everything back home & always seemed to complain about things here in the UK. Maybe she was preparing me for all of this. I always feared thruout the relationship that 1,day she would leave & go back home

[TheEvilJester]

Honestly, maybe that is just for the best. Other than you, does she have anything tying her back to the UK? Anything else that would keep her there rather than going home permanently? If not, maybe this is your excuse to just end things and that may leave her free to decide to just go home permanently if that is what she wants. Again, from what you have shared with us here, it sounds to me like this woman does not deserve you in the slightest. Yet, here you are again being there for her and being her rock in a time of need when she fails to ever do the same for you. Don't get me wrong, I think you are doing the right thing in being there for her. I'm just saying, I admire you for being able to despite everything. I know from experience how hard it can be to continuously be there for somebody when they have a proven history of failing to be there for you, and even more so when they have a history of not even really appreciating it when you are there for them anyway.

Anyway, as I've said before, the ultimate decision of how to handle the relationship will have to rest on your shoulders and on hers. We cannot tell you what to do, nor can we really know whether there is anything redeemable about her or your relationship worth trying to save. I can just tell you that a lot of how you describe her reminds me of my ex, and it took me way too long to realize I deserved better. If you are in the same boat, I'd hate to see you make the same mistakes.

For now, she's going through a rough time, so you are definitely doing the right thing in being there for her. Though, if I were you, when you feel she is at a point where she will be okay (maybe you feel she couldn't handle a breakup at this very moment due to all the other drama in her life right now) I would seriously consider having a talk with her and just ending things. Perhaps time for you just both to move on, heal up, learn from your mistakes and hopefully fix them in some future relationship.

Good luck.

[Dream_of_Waves]

A gal always has a reason for making cheating accusations... for all we know you could be lying through your teeth, or putting little effort into your relationship.

I am not purposefully jumping on the offence, rather just reminding you that if you're not being completely sincere with us that you do indeed have to make an effort to clear any negativity you may have brought into the relationship. Same rule appies to your girlfriend.

[b0ris]

I have not lied. When we 1st met I had just come out of a very stressful relationship, & yes maybe I should have waited a little longer to heal before getting together. I had serious issues as to whether I could trust her tbh after I had gone thru hell with my ex, & I had trouble making the 1st move & panicked & doubted myself & we broke up. Then I grew a pair, told her my issues & comcerns & we tried again & everything was great, but I have NEVER cheated on any of my partners & nor would I. I also do not look at other women, & these issues stemmed from her issues that she had with men in general (she used to say that all men look at women or end up cheating), some of which happened to her in her past & could possibly be down to the fact that her father walked out on them all when she was a child.
I cant b held responsible for those situations

[TheEvilJester]

And as well you shouldn't. If she has a bad history with other past relationships, I can definitely understand her mistrust..... TO A DEGREE. At some point, unless you've given her any valid reasons to believe you'd do the same thing to her, she needs to get over her anxieties and stop treating you like you've done something wrong when you've not. Frankly, though, if I were you it would be too little too late anyway. She'd have to learn that lesson the hard way and apply it to a future relationship.... or else be doomed to just repeat it again and again and destroy all of her relationships. If I were you, that would cease to be my problem because SHE would cease to be my problem.

That would have to be up to you, though, since I'm not you because you are you and you are not me because I am me and you are you. :-D

Also, for the record I find it very noble that you don't even so much as look at other women when you are in a relationship. I am actually very much the same..... but even so I think expecting that is expecting way too much. Sure, there are guys like us who have no problem with that.... but the truth is most guys still LOOK at other women. (Heck, most women still LOOK at other guys). The difference is, a good guy could look until his eyes fell out, but he'd never do anything more than that because his gal is the only gal he wants. A scumbag would look, and would happily do more if given the chance even if he is in a relationship.

If she cannot tell the difference, that is going to be a problem for her going forward as well. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying it is okay to be a pig about it and be slobbering obviously all over somebody else when you are in a relationship. I'm just saying, you don't cease to be human when you are in a relationship. You still can't help who you do and do not find attractive. The difference is that a good person doesn't care how attractive they may find anybody else because their girlfriend or boyfriend is the most attractive person to them, both for their looks and for who they are as a person.

Good luck to you.