He has a girlfriend but keeps texting and emailing me. What does he want?

[Partyof2]

I had a fling with a guy whom I've been a casual friend. We would see each other occasionally, text during the week, etc. When his ex reached out, he decided to go back to her. I was OK with that because they had a long history together and it seemed to me that he cared about her a lot.
However, he asked me to remain friends and I was OK with that too. But now that it's been a while since they got back together, I'm confused as far as him and myself. I'm trying to figure out why would a guy who has a girlfriend text his former fling everyday sometimes sending flirtatious messages, email her several times a week while insisting that "they're just friends". I have other male friends but they don't act like that. When I asked him how he feels about what's going on, he said that I worry for no reason.
Is friendship all that he wants? I feel uneasy talking to him when he has a girlfriend who has idea that I even exist. What kind of game is he playing?

[jrharvey]

OH I know this game. I know it quite well haha. There are two things going on here and neither are good really.

He wants to chat, flirt and keep up his game so he doesn't go dry being exclusive with his girl. Maybe he doesn't want to cheat physically but he gets some kinda kick out of flirting and if you reciprocate he feels like the man. Technically not cheating but gives him that feeling. Make sense?

The other option is that he likes his girlfriend but maybe things are rocky. Maybe he is crazy about her but he knows she is a flake and could run off any minute. He could be keeping you on the sidelines so that when his GF ditches him he has you ready on deck to take her place. Its an insecurity thing. He doesn't want to be left alone.

[jrharvey]

Also if she ever finds out about this you can bet that you will be getting a call from her from his phone one day telling you to stay away while calling you all kinds of nasty names. Do you want to be a part of that?

[Partyof2]

You're good!! I'm pretty sure it's the number one thing. I'm sure he gets a kick out of it and likes how secretive he is.
Is there anything I can do to see if that's the deal?
What do you think he'll do if I stop responding to his texts?

- - - Updated - - -

She can call me all she wants. I have stories to tell haha

- - - Updated - - -

Just one more question- are you saying this has nothing to do with me and he's just doing it to keep up his game?

[jrharvey]

Is there anything I can do to see if that's the deal?
What do you think he'll do if I stop responding to his texts?
I would tell him you dont think its right or appropriate for him to act this way. If we wants to be friends then ok but he takes it too far. This shows you have some boundaries and respect for yourself. Might sound shocking but any decent guy will see this and feel like you are a catch and be a little turned on by this. It also forces him to think about how things really are. I know from experience if you let this ride out he could just do it forever until something blows up. Its much better for you to be in control and stop it now. Dont just stop texting him. Let him know whats going on. Personally I would tell him to figure out whats going on with his girl and to let you know if he wants anything more later otherwise you are going to live your life. Dont say it needy like. Just relaxed and cool (confident).

She can call me all she wants. I have stories to tell haha
I would try not to take that route. Ive had this happen to me and it burns too many bridges and at that point cannot be repaired. It will only hurt everyone.

Just one more question- are you saying this has nothing to do with me and he's just doing it to keep up his game?
He most definitely would do this with someone else. Don't take this the wrong way but I think to him you are not so special. If you were then he would not be all over his GF. Not saying that one day you will not be special but at this time it is what it is. I've been in a similar situation where I like another girl but wanted things to really work with my GF. I tried hard to make things work but she wasn't willing. Ended up dumping her and going to the other girl who I fell in love with and became very special to me.

[melancholia]

What are the texts/messages like? Does he ask you to hang out? Does he ask you to hook up? Is there any inappropriate language going on? What exactly do you get out of receiving messages from him? Do you like the attention? Do you enjoy your friendship? Or are you hoping he changes his mind about his relationship with his girlfriend so that you two can pick things up again? If you feel uneasy about the messages, then it's my best guess that his intentions are not to be "just friends", and you are picking up on that energy, but you don't want to give up the skewed relationship you have with him.

Do you truly believe that you and this guy can be just friends, while he has a girlfriend? If you do, then do that. Be aware of your feelings, and the situations you allow yourself to be in. If you feel that he is playing you and his girlfriend, then I suggest you cut contact with him until he can learn to balance a friendship with a woman, while being in a relationship with a different woman.

[Partyof2]

What are the texts/messages like? Does he ask you to hang out? Does he ask you to hook up? Is there any inappropriate language going on? What exactly do you get out of receiving messages from him? Do you like the attention? Do you enjoy your friendship? Or are you hoping he changes his mind about his relationship with his girlfriend so that you two can pick things up again? If you feel uneasy about the messages, then it's my best guess that his intentions are not to be "just friends", and you are picking up on that energy, but you don't want to give up the skewed relationship you have with him.

Do you truly believe that you and this guy can be just friends, while he has a girlfriend? If you do, then do that. Be aware of your feelings, and the situations you allow yourself to be in. If you feel that he is playing you and his girlfriend, then I suggest you cut contact with him until he can learn to balance a friendship with a woman, while being in a relationship with a different woman.

In the beginning I was thrown off by his messages. He would complain about his girlfriend, tell me that he's sorry he can't message me when she's around. Now he flirts occasionally but mostly we talk about personal stuff and things we have in common.
I feel like he's trying to put some distance between what we had and turn it into a friendship. I find that puzzling because although we have a lot in common, I'm surprised he chooses to keep in touch like that.
Maybe he does like me as a friend?
On another note, he doesn't want to hang out and I think that we should be able. If we are friends, it should be ok to get together. But the fact that he refuses tells me that he's hiding something.

[melancholia]

Do you like him more than a friend? Do you want to date this person, or are you 100% positive you can keep the relationship strictly platonic? It doesn't seem like this guy can, at least if he spends one-on-one time with you, he can't. Part of being friends with someone, is being able to talk about things and vent about things/people. But if he is trying to put distance between you, or if he continually rejects your propositions to hang out, it could be because he doesn't feel comfortable hanging out with you, or he is choosing not to because his girlfriend is uncomfortable with it. Either way, I wonder why you are putting so much thought into your friendship with this person. Normally, when our feelings for a person are only platonic, we don't second guess things, or try and read between the lines. I think if you want to be friends, you should. But if you have hooked up in the past, it is really difficult to establish a platonic relationship after those boundaries have been crossed. I say that because I have tried to maintain a platonic friendship with guys I've hooked up with before and it almost never, ever works out. And I would never spend one-on-one time with them while they have a girlfriend.

[Partyof2]

You're right. My feelings for this guy are not strictly platonic. I like him in every possible way and have a feeling that he feels the same way. Maybe he doesn't, I can't be sure.
I have been friends with guys before in strictly platonic basis so I know the difference between those friendships and now.
When he said he wanted us to remain friends, I was thrown off. I thought that considering our past it would be best for him to cut the ties with me.
But he kept texting and emailing and carrying on like nothing ever happened so I thought - let's give it a try.
But here we are, months later, still talking, him still keeping it a secret from his girlfriend, and still apologizing for not being able to talk with me when she's around.
I feel like a loser here because it's been a while since I met someone so awesome in every possible way and I know that I should just let it go but I can't.

[melancholia]

First of all, you are not a loser. This happens all the time to so many people. I've been in the exact same position you are in. You need to learn that you are worth so much more than being someone's DL side chick. You deserve to be someone's appetizer, main course, and dessert - not just a side dish. He is keeping you a secret from his girlfriend because he doesn't want her to know about you. And you are letting this happen. Don't be that girl who pines after a guy who isn't worth it. Clearly he is not respecting his girlfriend or the boundaries of their relationship by keeping a secret "friendship" with you on the side. Clearly he isn't respecting you either if he continues to message you and make you believe that something more will happen down the line.

If you are not able to be friends with him, then you need to cut contact with him. You will feel proud of yourself if you stand up to him and say, "look, you have a girlfriend and I am not going to be your side chick who you string along and keep as a secret from your girlfriend. If you continue to message me, I will tell your girlfriend what you've said. If you leave me alone now, I will leave you alone and there won't be any drama. Clearly I have stronger feelings for you and I'm not able to continue a platonic friendship with you. I hope you can respect that." And then block him from social media and block his number. Do not allow him to message you. There are so many guys out there who don't do this shady shit, and you deserve to be with one of those men. You do not deserve to be treated like this, and the moment you decide that you deserve better, will be the moment you stop feeling like a loser.

[Partyof2]

Is there anything I can do to see if that's the deal?
What do you think he'll do if I stop responding to his texts?
I would tell him you dont think its right or appropriate for him to act this way. If we wants to be friends then ok but he takes it too far. This shows you have some boundaries and respect for yourself. Might sound shocking but any decent guy will see this and feel like you are a catch and be a little turned on by this. It also forces him to think about how things really are. I know from experience if you let this ride out he could just do it forever until something blows up. Its much better for you to be in control and stop it now. Dont just stop texting him. Let him know whats going on. Personally I would tell him to figure out whats going on with his girl and to let you know if he wants anything more later otherwise you are going to live your life. Dont say it needy like. Just relaxed and cool (confident).

She can call me all she wants. I have stories to tell haha
I would try not to take that route. Ive had this happen to me and it burns too many bridges and at that point cannot be repaired. It will only hurt everyone.

Just one more question- are you saying this has nothing to do with me and he's just doing it to keep up his game?
He most definitely would do this with someone else. Don't take this the wrong way but I think to him you are not so special. If you were then he would not be all over his GF. Not saying that one day you will not be special but at this time it is what it is. I've been in a similar situation where I like another girl but wanted things to really work with my GF. I tried hard to make things work but she wasn't willing. Ended up dumping her and going to the other girl who I fell in love with and became very special to me.

Thanks for telling your story. You know that feeling when you meet someone and you get to know them and realize you have a lot in common and the conversations are great and you can't wait to talk to them again? That's what happened with the bonus of physical attraction. Sweet deal, if you ask me. Too bad I can't have it. Maybe there are more guys like him out there? I guess time will tell