Advice please!

[Laura3000]

Hello

My name is Laura and I'm 25. Last June (2015) I got married. My husband his 18 years older than me and has two children from a previous marriage.

Our relationship started in May 2014. By the middle of June 2014 I'd already been introduced to his children and had moved in with him.

It was quite lonely- he worked from 9am to 10:30pm Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I worked 9am to 5pm Monday to Friday. So we had very little time together as on the Monday and Wednesday nights his children would stay with us.

After living together a few months one evening he text me and told me to go back to my mans for the night as he wanted to be alone. I did that but at 11pm he called me, he was crying and asked me to come home saying he loves me and misses me, can't sleep without me etc. When I got home all the lights were off in the house and he was slumped in a corner crying. He had been drinking. I made him a coffee then we went to bed. The next morning I noticed he had been cutting himself on his stomach.

This worried me and for a while I used to hide the knives from him.

In November 2014 I was diagnosed with PCOS and was told I wouldn't be able to have children without the help of IVF. This made me really upset.

December 2014 we got engaged.

I was upset Christmas Day as he asked me to drop him at his ex-wife's house at 7am then go back and pick him up at 11am. I felt left out and upset.

In February 2015 he changed his working days so he was off on a Sunday and Monday. This meant that we could start having Sunday's together! His children still stayed Monday and Wednesday night but I would look after them on my own on a Wednesday.

Over time I found looking after the kids difficult and stressful. I mentioned this to my husband but he said things to me which made me feel guilty for finding it difficult etc and I carried on.

September I started to really suffer, I think I may have had a little depression as I struggled greatly with everything and everything started getting too much. On 25th Septemer 2015 I said to my husband I can't look after his kids on a Wednesday for a while, I needed time to get myself sorted. He slept in the spare bed that night which really upset me. The next day he got ready then went to work. He text me telling me I'm spoilt, selfish and that the marriage was over. He didn't come home that night. The next day (Sunday 27th) he came home around 3pm with a bite mark on him.

I was devastated and felt so unloved and unsupported. We talked and he told me he had bit his own shoulder to make it look to me like he had slept with someone so I would end the marriage.

We decided to give it another go but after that my trust for him went and I struggled more with depression.

In November 2015 I fell pregnant naturally- what a miracle! I ran to my husband and told him. He just looked at the pregnant test and said you have to start to listen to me now. I felt quite upset by this.

Over the next few weeks my husband wasn't very nice to me. He talked very harsh to me and I was often upset and felt on edge.

On evening around this time I text him thinking he was at work but he told me he'd walked out of work at 3pm and was at home drinking. He then text me saying things like he wanted to be the only man to hold this baby etc. Again this worried me.

When I got home my husband continued to act strange and I was so upset.

The next week (Wednesday 16th December 2015) I was at work when he text me saying he was unhappy and he was moving out.

The next day I went to see him ask him if we could go to marriage counselling to save the marriage. He said no it was over. I told him I would be booking in for a termination he said ok.

I went the next day on the Friday for the consultation. I informed my husband I was doing this and all he asked me was what furniture he could have from the house.

After the termination I was devestated. My husband just text me and asked whether the featus was a boy or a girl? Who asks such questions?!

I can't remember a great deal after that as I was so down, not eating, not sleeping.

My husband called me a murderer and said had I been a good wife I would still be carrying that baby etc.

He now what's to try and make the marriage work.

We have started going to marriage counselling. I don't feel it's helping me. I want to scream why couldn't we do this when I was pregnant?!

He also tells me he loves me more than he's ever loved anyone before. I want to scream well why the eff did you leave me when I was pregnant?!

He's telling me now he wants another child. I feel angry inside. So angry. So hurt.

Will I ever be able to move on and forgive him? Could I trust him? What would happen if I fell pregnant again?

Sorry I've rambled a lot here but I'm in such a mess.

Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you for reading this.

[johanna1]

Hi Laura,
I don't know you but your story is heartbreaking. I know you love your husband but your trust has been destroyed not only once but couple of times. It will take A LOT OF work from BOTH of you to make this marriage work and especially from his behalf....which honestly, I don't think he will be consistent in trying to make things work. He may want for NOW but it seems his mood changes a lot so don't bet that he will go all the way with you.
My advice to you is (and I know it may hurt because you love him): LEAVE him! You NEED to take the situation in your own hands. Stop doing what he wants and when he wants. He plays with your feelings and it is not fair to you. You are young and deserve to be happy. If you continue, YOU will end up depressed because of him and if you love yourself, you should not let that happen to you. Apparently, he suffers from depression or something but it is NOT a healthy environment for you. He will break your nerves going back and forth with you! Don't allow him to do that to you! In his mind, he may love you but he doesn't show it to you. Love means respect and he doesn't respect you. He seems that he may need medical attention which if you love him I will encourage him to do so. But I would still leave because if he got to the point where he cut his stomach, he may be capable of doing some things to you too. So honestly, I am not sure how safe you are with him. I will move out and have my own place and advise him to seek medical attention. Continue with divorce papers afterwards.

I hope my advice help.

[TheEvilJester]

I couldn't agree with johanna more. I know this is probably not the advice you want to hear, but it doesn't sound to me like it is worth your while to give him any further chances. It sounds to me like you deserve so much better. Your significant other should be the person who brings you the most happiness in life. Somebody who can make you happy just even at the thought of them. They shouldn't be somebody who brings you such misery and pain.

Frankly, I think all you need to know is the way he treated you doing your pregnancy and the difficult decision you made with how to proceed with that. Maybe the other issues between you two you could have forgiven and possibly worked through if you were both willing. I think the way he treated you in such a difficult time proves he doesn't deserve you and probably never did. You can't count on him to be there for you at times when you need it the most. Shouldn't that be the one thing you can always count on in your partner, no matter how stressed things may be between you? All relationships hit rough patches here and there.... but not like this, and in any good relationship, your partner could put that aside in a time of need.

You deserve better. Please do not settle for a jerk who can't even treat you right during the "good times" much less when you actually really need him.

[Laura3000]

Thank you both for your advice.

I have taken heed and today I ended it for good.

There is lots more I could tell you but I don't think you'd have the time to read it all!

Again thank you for your advice, I'll be issuing divorce proceedings in the near future! Time to move on and put me first I think

[johanna1]

Good for you Laura! it was about time to think about yourself because if you don't NOBODY will. I am glad you took the situation in your own hands...it will be hard...I am telling you from my own experience as a single mother but you will be able to do it!!! Whatever you do....just don't go back!!! Good luck!

[TheEvilJester]

Agreed! Good for you! You rock! Believe me, I know from experience you may not be feeling that right now, but go ahead and tell yourself that anyway. In time (probably sooner than you think) you'll start to remember it actually IS true. Let me say this.... I think it is awesome that you stuck it out for as long as you did. It shows you don't give up on somebody at the drop of the hat. I can understand why you didn't want to give up. Any time you thought so much that somebody was the right one for you.... and even in your case so much so that you even married them.... it can be hard to admit that you were wrong.

Part of you is so sure that the person you loved MUST still be in there. The thing is, more often than not they either are no longer the person they were when you fell in love with them..... or very possibly they NEVER really were. Believe me, what you miss is the person you thought he was.... not the person he actually is now. What you need is some time away from him. You need time to re-learn how to be happy just with yourself. To re-learn that you are awesome and that any guy would be lucky to have you. He HAD you and he couldn't appreciate that. He couldn't realize what he had and appreciate it enough to treat you the way you deserve, so he doesn't deserve you at all.

Mind you, I'm NOT recommending you go the complete 180 and suddenly think you are God's gift to the world and guys should just be throwing themselves at you. LOL! I'm just saying, you need to care enough about you to realize that you should NEVER allow somebody to treat you the way he did. Your true soulmate IS out there somewhere. Don't settle for somebody who doesn't deserve you, and probably never did from the start. Hell, you'd be better off alone than you would stuck with somebody so wrong for you just because you'd rather have anybody than to be alone. But.... something tells me you won't have to worry about it anyway, because your Prince Charming will be right around the corner.

Good luck to you.