The younger female colleague!

[confusedmolly]

My partner has been having more contact with a younger female colleague who visits his workplace on occasion over the last year. He doesn’t know her well but the contact seems to be excessive for the tasks they do. He’s been spending more time on his Blackberry even during his holiday time off, which is unusual. One day he was showing me something on it and I saw a messages pop up from her. Looking at it again I saw the others. Do you think I have cause for concern? I know she's younger and single because he mentioned she's started working as a consultant to his firm for some areas of his business, just over a year ago.

She confided in him about a family issue and work problem, he emailed to comfort her, telling her she should pop over to his office if she needed to talk and for a coffee. He emailed her again quickly afterwards with work matters, but asked her for her mobile number as he wanted to call her and gave her his. I should say that where she works, the norm would be to contact her via her office. He emailed her several times in a short space of time with other work stuff, but telling her the work stuff could wait given her personal issues. If it could wait why didn't he leave her alone? Some days later, she returned the email to say they should meet to discuss the work stuff at his office in next few weeks, but it could wait until my partner was back from holiday. Although on holiday, he offered to meet her, but despite saying he planned to go into the office to work that afternoon anyway, he changed the venue to a coffee chain. This was unusual for him to meet out of work for a coffee. He has a canteen. He later contacted her to say he was running late as he was picking up papers at his office to give her at the coffee chain- even more reason meeting at the office would be more convenient for them both. Later that day he met her he emailed to say it was good to have some of her time and mentioned he’d be going away on holiday with me, only because I wanted to go away, as he wanted to be at home???? He emailed her several times after the coffee date late on in the evening well past work hours (and he was on holiday). I should say the issue they were back and forth about was not urgent by any means, just a project. He then emailed her a day before we left for our own holiday together. The work stuff could certainly have waited as it wasn't urgent.

We both then went away on our holiday together. She probably didn't know we were away but she replied to his emails, also late into the night. He then replied to her at midnight during our holiday thanking her for her valuable comments and he plans to use them all in the project. Again, not urgent work matters, but to email her at midnight on our family holiday seems excessive attempts to keep in contact with her. It’s a lot of attention to give her. In the email he also asked her how her short holiday had gone and probing a bit for details of her holiday as she had been away by the time we went away.
It concerns me as my partner works more closely with another female (she works in another firm) who he does talk about, and despite working with her more frequently and for a longer time, he only sent one email to her during his holiday sent during work hours, about the project and the emails are to the point, and clearly state he’d discuss the project after their holiday. I’m not aware that he’s ever asked her out for coffee. So there is a difference in the nature of the contact and frequency f contact. What’s more, the younger female visits his office only occasionally and is one of several consultants that work with him. What makes it even more suspicious is that the firm’s link consultant, who he works more regularly with on similar matters/ remit, and for a longer timeframe, was not involved in this project. Isn’t it bizarre that the emails only involve this younger female?
She replied to his request for information about her holiday, and she mentions somewhere she’s away with a man, and makes reference to them. He emailed her early in the morning as soon as we got home! Still on his holiday. He says we had a fabulous holiday! I'm sure the female colleague has no interest in hearing about me in the email as I’ve never met her, so there's no precedent for him even bringing me up. Was he bringing me up to keep himself right? Just as an aside, he may also have brought mention of me into the email as she had mentioned in her email about her own holiday with the other man. Do you think she has been trying to send my ‘attentive’ partner a subtle message by mentioning her holiday companion? Since this email she has emailed him about another issue completely, but copied the other consultant into the email. She emailed him one other time making it clear the email was for info only.
What do you think has been going on….is it the start of something? Engineering a coffee shop meeting, early and midnight emails on holiday with me over non urgent work stuff, probing about holidays, comforting her, asking for her mobile and giving her his. Also not involving the other consultant who works on similar projects, only this woman. The other consultant would have been the obvious choice. I think he has been overly keen and attentive to her- he seems to have been doing a bit of pursuing. Do you think she has subtly rebuffed him and he’s cooled off? Will he likely try again with her?

[JimBo90]

Confront your partner. Start by telling him that he clearly has no self control or respect.

[confusedmolly]

Thanks JimBo90 - I've been worried sick about it and I'm sure you know when you get that way you begin to doubt yourself - in case I'm seeing things in his behaviours that aren't there. That's why I've not said anything to my partner. I was so hoping a poster, and even better a male poster, would reassure me to say I'm seeing things that aren't there. My gut tells me something and I'm worried, as it seems from my viewpoint that he's been giving her lots of attention and almost pursuing her. Its whether to go with my gut or trust him???

[TheEvilJester]

To be perfectly honest, we can't really do anything more than you have based on the evidence you have provided.... which is just to speculate. If you had found conversations between them that were obviously proving an intention to hook up, it would be different. Or, if you'd found very obviously romantic messages between the two, it would be obvious.

As it is, unfortunately all you have been able to find is things that mostly seem to be business related.... but are maybe just slightly suspicious. That and when she was having personal issues, but there is the chance he's just being a good friend/co-worker. So, I'd LIKE to say that you probably are just worrying over nothing.....

But the thing is I can't honestly say that. Much like you, I agree that it is inappropriate that he'd feel the need to be messaging with her on what is supposed to be your holiday together. I'd understand if it were urgent business things that couldn't work. Us corporate peeps sometimes have to deal with work stuff even when we were trying to take a day off. But, from your own evidence, it does not seem like these were urgent business matters that couldn't just wait.

Not only that, but I also agree with you that I dislike the fact that he would exchange e-mails with her so late in the night, or so early in the morning like it is literally the first thing he is doing the second he steps in the door or wakes up.

So, I wish I could offer more definitive advice, but all I can really say is I definitely understand how you feel. I DON'T think you are being paranoid or creating problems where there are none. Of course, don't misunderstand me. I'm not saying he's definitely interested in her. It could honestly be the case that he's 100% only interested in her in a professional manner. I'm just saying that his actions sure as Heck would make anybody worried, so you shouldn't feel like you are crazy for having doubts.

Hopefully, this IS a case of you seeing something there that isn't really there. I would say it is probably best to talk to him about it, but do so when you can allow yourself to cool down a bit and discuss it with a level head. You don't want to outright accuse him of wrongdoing because maybe he actually never did/never intended it the way you are interpreting. If you just fly off the handle at him immediately, it could just make things worse, and possibly all for nothing. Instead, you want to approach it with him almost like you are sure you are just being paranoid, but that he needs to understand how this looks to you/makes you feel.

Frankly, if he is just a scumbag looking to run around on you.... guys like that don't get away with it forever. You'll find him out eventually. Hopefully, though, that isn't the case. If it makes you feel any better, though we don't see enough evidence to say he's definitely NOT romantically interested in her, we don't really see enough evidence to say he definitely IS either. Good luck to you either way. I hope it does turn out that your concerns are for nothing. If so, though, I also hope he understands and can learn to prioritize a little better.

[confusedmolly]

Thanks, Ive taken to raising it gently at the moment. I chatted to him this morning before he set off about prioritising better as the holiday has gone in too fast and said I felt he hadn't totally relaxed. So I turned the conversation round to work to try to be subtle about the level of contact he's having with her as a first step now he is back at the office. He listened to me and said it'll be busy for a few more weeks. Well ok (for now). Well today when he got home I used his Blackberry to call my Mum as we were out shopping. I noticed they were in contact about 5 / 6 times each on his first proper day back, and although work-related stuff, it seems excessive contact. Its like he is making a point to always follow up with her (granted he is a perfectionist), but full of praise and thanks for her efforts. She responded to his email to praise him back (its like mutual appreciation society) just after work hours, and he replied back to reassure her it wasn't a problem a few hours after he had finished work and we were home. I noticed when generally chatting about work with him tonight, you know the usual how was your day, his contact with the other consultant is non-existent really, and with the other colleague that he works closely with its the same. Unusually, I also noticed he made a few errors in his correspondence where he refers to other women with her name! For a perfectionist he's slipping. Its as if he's got her on his mind ALOT! Is this more evidence that things are on a slippery slide - Should I now have the talk with him and explain my paranoia ????

[TheEvilJester]

Well, again, I still think all of this latest evidence just puts you in the same boat, unfortunately. It still doesn't quite prove anything or display anything that seems inappropriate.... yet it does still ever so slightly unusual. I mean, I agree with you that it seems weird he'd be in contact with her so frequently and yet so rarely contact his other colleagues. Also, I don't know exactly the content of his exchanges with her, but from what you describe, it sounds to me like a lot of them are superfluous. I know if I were you, I too would be feeling like he's just trying to find excuses to extend the conversation with her.

So sorry to have to hear you are going through this. It is so much that nagging, annoying gray area here where it feels ever so slightly inappropriate.... yet it doesn't fully cross the line to where you can tell it definitely is. So it puts you in this paranoid state, wondering if you are just overreacting.... or wondering if by doubting yourself you are turning a blind eye to a real problem. Unfortunately, 9 time out of 10, when that is the case.... it is because something IS going wrong. So, I do lean towards saying if he's doing things that feel inappropriate to you, then that is a fairly bad sign.

....But again, it's just a sign, and signs CAN be deceiving. He's not really provided solid enough evidence. So, I think my advice really is still the same. Try to talk to him about it. Again, you want to do so when you can allow yourself to cool off a bit first, though. It would be one thing if you had actual proof/evidence of him doing something wrong. Then you have a right to confront him as though he has. But, in this case you don't really have solid proof, but more just a lot of circumstantial evidence and a feeling. So, like I said, I personally think you approach it almost like you feel silly even worrying.... but it is concerning to you anyway.

To be honest, just the way he reacts would, I think, be pretty good evidence. If he's a good guy, he may not see why you'd be concerned, but he'll at least understand and want to do whatever he can reasonably to make you feel better about the situation. If he's a good guy, he'd also want to reassure you and make it clear that they are just work colleagues/friends. If he gets super defensive about it, or gets very mad, or somehow tries to turn it around on you and make you look like the bad guy... those would be pretty good signs that he's probably not such a good fella after all, and that something probably IS going on.

Again, sorry. I wish I could offer more definitive advice, but I just feel in the same boat as you as far your situation goes. None of the evidence you present makes me feel like something is DEFINITELY going on, so I can't really advise you proceed as though it definitely is. ....Yet it all DOES strike me as being strange/borderline possibly inappropriate, so I can't exactly advise you that you are probably worrying about nothing either. So, really no way to resolve it other than to talk to him.

Good luck to you either way.

[confusedmolly]

Hi I have explained my feelings to my partner now. I decided to do so because using his phone I saw more emails. He has sent two or three (copying her in) and yet the issues were not information she really needed as a visiting consultant to his office. She replied to one of his emails (copying it to all) to say she would be in touch in several weeks about the issue. He then has replied twice more (to all) with information about the issue. I do thinks he's pursuing her or trying to keep in contact with her unnecessarily. Anyway, I explained how I felt and his response shocked me in some way! I explained how I felt in a calm and gentle way, and his face changed. His eyes scrunched up and were darting, he couldn't look at me at all. His chin was slightly raised. The body language was at odd with what came out his mouth. He said, yes I thought that's what it might be, and that he understood why I'm saying this to him. Something tells me he's lying about knowing how I felt, as if he's saying what he thinks is expected or something but the face and those eyes. I became off balance a bit with the facial expression as its one I've not seen. Usually we are dead on with eye contact. I'm confused? I said ok and went out. Not out as is stormed away, I just said ok and went out kinda sad. The body language threw me. What do you think the body language was leaking..... This happened this morning.

[TheEvilJester]

Wait, so I'm not quite understanding. What did he say to your questions about it? Did he comment as to whether he was interested in her or not? If you don't mind sharing details, what did you say to him when you asked, and what did he say in response?

When you say his eyes "scrunched up" do you mean like in anger? Or more like in a sort of "Oh $h*t I've been caught" kind of look? Or maybe in disbelief? I mean, I realize that is asking you to guess what his look meant, and you could be wrong, but how did it strike you?

Anyway, it would help if I were a fly on the wall who could have seen. It's hard to determine things like that being third party to your story like this. ....But, I will say, that doesn't sound very promising to me. That does sort lean me toward thinking something is going on.... even if maybe it hasn't escalated to anything beyond a friendship... the way he reacted to you asking about it does make me think he wants it to, at least in part.

But, again, I could be wrong. I wasn't there. Are there further details you can share and feel comfortable sharing? I certainly don't want to tell you "Oh yeah, he's a full on scumbag and he's probably trying to hook up with her" because I can't really know that. I'd hate to tell you that if it turns out that he's honestly done nothing and he was just reacting in shock that you'd even think he would. I'm just saying, from the little evidence you have offered it doesn't sound good to me.

[confusedmolly]

Well I explained how I felt with the frequency of contact between them and about our holiday. He asked me is there a reason why I'm upset? I said its the frequency and timing of the contact. At this stage we had eye contact but I was looking down at the dishes in the sink at times here. When I finished saying this, I looked at him and his chin was slightly raised, his face was tight around the eyes, eyes darting whilst scrunched up. When he was like this he said: 'yeah I thought it might be that and it might have been a bit much' all while his eyes were almost closed and face upwards slightly. (But in that moment I felt the words were not consistent with the words since he should be able to look at me. So I don't know what I felt...). In the moment my reading of him was that he was embarrassed about his behaviour (maybe not realising how serious it was to me) and possibly avoiding eye contact to try to not display that emotion. Why else couldn't he look at me? What do you think the face was leaking?

Since this morning its been frosty between us. He's been around me but not talking. He came into the room looking straight at me but turned to get something from the cupboard. There has been 4 more email exchanges between him and HER. He sent her an email after dinner asking for information (he copied the other colleague he works more closely with into that). SHE (this young woman I'm paranoid about) replied to both asking for clarity. He replied to just her to give it, and tell her its the weekend she should be enjoying it. She replied to him to receive info and say she's help him get the info he wants next week. She also says she's going to enjoy her weekend and a final closing remark / kind of bye. He then REPLIES (!!??) and says 'lols' repeating her closing comment!!!

Thoughts .................................................. .....................

[Aussie Passion]

it does sound to me like something is up..... It's always hard to know in these situations. You can read something in nothing, or nothing in something.
I guess until something definitive happens you won't know. If your relationship is still good otherwise, then maybe it really is nothing.
If on the other hand, your relationship is changing, then that could be a clue.

[TheEvilJester]

I'm still not really understanding your interaction. I could be wrong, but it feels like there is a huge piece of the story missing there. I mean.... you shared with him that you are concerned by how often they are contacting each other and by the often inappropriate timing. He says "Yeah, I thought it might be that." ....And that was it? I mean, did you then just stare at each other and awkwardly walk away? I mean, again, if you are not comfortable going into further details, then please just say so. I would understand. As it is, though, based just on what you've shared, I can't be very optimistic. It doesn't sound very good to me.

But.... again, it would help to know if you discussed it any further after that. Did he explain at all? Did he try in any way to re-assure you and let you know that you two were okay and nothing was happening between him and her? If not, how exactly did you two leave it? Again, this is just one of those aggravating/frustrating situations where it sits perfectly on that line where you can't confidently decide if anything is going on or not. I mean, even their interactions you've seen AFTER your discussion with him seem overly frequent and unnecessary.... but still mostly seem to be business related.

Of course, that is because they are from his business e-mail. I kind of doubt they'd risk being so obvious in their work e-mail. Frankly, I've not seen enough evidence to come down on either side FOR SURE.... but I've seen enough to definitely agree I'd be suspicious if I were you. You need to have a serious discussion with him if that is not what happened when you talked before. By that, I don't mean you shyly dance around it and let him get away with not really answering. I still don't necessarily suggest you come at it like you are accusing him of having done something.... but you do need to talk about it with him and not let him just dance around it and avoid actually being honest with you.

If you ARE just being paranoid and nothing is going on, then great.... he should just tell you that and furthermore PROVE it by continuing to be trustworthy over time. But, if you continue not to really talk to him about it, then you'll continue feeling like you have to play the part of the great detective to try to figure out what is going on.... and it will only serve to continue to drive you crazy.

Good luck to you either way. If nothing else, I at least hope you find out the truth very soon. I hope that it turns out nothing is going on.... but if it is I hope you find that out and are able to put him in your past and yourself on the fast road to recovery and to finding your true match.

[confusedmolly]

He said the next few weeks will be busy and there would be many emails to lots of colleagues. I explained he seems to be interacting with her more often, even when he has in-house consultants he would logically call on. I said I was feeling paranoid etc etc. Which may have given him an 'out' tbh. He said 'Yeah I thought it might be that,' and so I've painted myself into a corner as he's only gone some way towards acknowledging I'm paranoid AND that he has had a role to play, by saying 'I could see why you'd think that, it may have been a bit much' It ended with him saying again in a neutral tone that he will be busy over the next few weeks. Reassuring, but also standing his ground...which is him all over. During this time his face was as ive described, and tbh I couldn't help but stare up at him as its a face ive not seen before in the time ive known him. Well what can I say, maybe ive been a walk over when ive raised it 'gently' . He's a man of few words (well not to her clearly). It also hasn't stopped him as I say he emailed her afterwards. That's his way of 'reassuring me' in some respects-well that's all I'm going to get. He's not going to even discuss further as he sees nothing in it....'it'll be busy for the next few weeks' he said. Again, he emailed her this morning BEFORE he starts his work day, to ask her another superfluous question relating to her contact as a consultant to some franchise or other with another male colleague she mentions in the last email. Why he needs to know the nature of her liaison with other clients I don't know? Jealous? Curious? Hasn't he got enough to do if he's so busy. We've been frosty and we both know the matter will be discussed again. He's being headstrong which I know him to be, but the serious discussion will happen mark my words and he WONT like it. I will see this out during this 'busy time' .

What is eating away at me terribly just now is a lack of sleep over a recurring vision. I've had disturbed sleep the last few nights as his face keep coming into my mind as I'm still baffled by the facial expression. Within the context of what we discussed, does anyone have any view on what the facial expression communicated? Its haunting. And honestly, why does he keep getting in contact with her to ask superfluous questions...why....please be honest as you all have??

[TheEvilJester]

I could be misunderstanding the conversation, but it sort of sounds to me like you let him off the hook without REALLY confronting your actual concerns. You sort of just danced around what you were really asking.... Don't get me wrong. A) I'm not blaming you. I understand it is awkward and uncomfortable. I understand part of you isn't sure and part of you WANTS to be wrong about your doubts.... so I get you didn't want to just come right out and confront him about it. B) I think based on what you shared you DID say to him.... it should have been pretty frigging obvious what you were asking him without you actually having to come out and say it.....

So to be perfectly honest, I myself am not pleased with the fact that he basically just danced around it as well. THIS was his moment to say something like "Sweetie, do you think something is going on between me and her beyond professionally? That is ridiculous. YOU are my gal. She's just a work colleague. Nothing more." Hell, even if he didn't necessarily want to be that direct, even something just as simple as "I'm not sure what it is you are worried about, but her and I are just work friends and nothing more."

Unless he's a complete moron, I think it should have been pretty obvious what you were implying. So, again, I still can't say anything for sure..... but I can at least say that I don't like that he basically ignored your concerns. The thing is, you shouldn't have just implied it and let him get away with dancing around the issue.

I mean, I don't know. Is it just me? He says "I could see why you'd think that, it may have been a bit much..." AND HE JUST LEAVES IT AT THAT?!?!?! Does that not strike anybody else as being ridiculous? So, he said nothing to follow that up? No "I could see why you'd think that..... but that's not true at all?" Jeez! Honestly, whether or not this is what he meant, or whether or not this IS the case, if I were you, the way he handled that would have basically translated in my mind to "I could see why you'd think that.... because I AM cheating on you with her."

Again, it's not like I can say that IS the case because he's still been really good not to provide enough evidence for you to KNOW something is going on, but enough for you to be concerned maybe something is. Don't get me wrong. I can understand why you wanted to take a gentler approach and sort of dance around actually confronting him hoping he'd get the hint and re-assure you. But, he obviously did not do that.

I'm also still not quite suggesting you confront him as though he IS guilty, because again he's still been frustratingly good at not providing enough evidence for you to feel confident enough that anything is happening for sure. I still suggest you approach him when you can do so with a level head (NOT in the heat of the moment when you are frustrated the next time you catch an interaction between the two of them that seems potentially inappriopriate). I still suggest you approach it with him as though you are sure you are just seeing something that isn't there, but that his actions have just gotten you more and more worried and you just need to hear the truth. So, no I'm not saying you confront him as though you have caught him doing something wrong.... BUT you still need to come right out and discuss it with him. Not just hope to skirt around the issue and assume he will understand. You tried that and it didn't work.

One thing is for sure, though... You can't just keep going on WORRYING that something is happening and hoping you will finally catch him so you can know for sure. IF he is doing anything wrong... he'll probably just get better for a while at hiding it. You WILL eventually find out (scumbags never get away with their scumbaggery for long), but only after putting yourself through a lot of undeserved torture wondering if he's been doing anything wrong. That constant paranoia is no way to live your life. And, heck, there is still the chance that nothing is going on.... but the more and more you think it is, the more and more you'll torture yourself over the paranoia. So, really, better just to deal with it and get that over with.

Good luck to you. Believe me, I don't mean to imply it is so easy. I understand it is not easy to confront somebody with something like this.... especially when you aren't sure if anything is going wrong or if you are just inventing issues in your head that aren't really there. But, you're not going to get answers if you don't try. Good luck!

[confusedmolly]

Well Eviljester, we talked it through. I explained how I felt saying it has swirled around me for a number of weeks and I feel paranoid. I took up each point that has bothered me with him. He says he has been in touch with her a lot over work and him suggesting the coffee chain was because he likes talking to her and is trying to build a working relationship. I asked if he met the other colleagues there, or ever has done that with any colleagues, he said no. I asked why then with her, he said it was nice to meet her outside the office and knew she had had a tough personal issue.... I said it was not his usual routine, and he said he doesn't have to ask me if he wants to do something different. He couldn't answer when I said it makes me feel uneasy and why be different with her....he said nothing only that he's not going over this all night with me and it'll go round in circles.
About the volume of communication etc, he said he will continue to email her or anything else he needs to do because he has to keep in touch with her. He admits he gets wrapped up in work. I then pointed out that he seems to be making efforts to contact her a lot- all times of day and night AND its over stuff that's not urgent. Or asking her questions that she sometimes doesn't even reply to. He says its being 'sociable at work', I asked why he is not similarly sociable to the other consultant, he couldn't look at me (again that look) and I asked what was up, he said he doesn't have to answer that saying it was 'tit for tat' and its 'just work and going round in circles'. I asked him for a straight answer and he said 'its work'. I asked why the contact is so frequent and he explained they are preparing for a corporate event....again I asked if this involved the other consultant who is more linked to be involved in the corporate event, and he said yes of course they are involved, but I pointed out that this colleague has not been included in any of the communications about this event (or anything really, only once at HER initiation and its was about another issue) and 'well that's just how its transpired'. I said as an aside, well id be miffed if I was left our of planning a corporate event, he said well that's life and doesn't know all the answers.
He said that nothing was going on. When I asked how often they meet, he became a bit more agitated / distracted and knocked over the jug in the kitchen. He said he has just asked to meet her every few weeks (not with the other consultant) just the other colleague he works closely with and has know a long time. He said the other consultant wasn't asked. Asking him why, he said he doesn't know. I asked about her personal issue, and said she must enjoy talking to him too if she is sharing stuff. He said he has offered to help her with the personal issue by giving her advice. I felt exhausted by this point as if there was nothing more I could do. I said I was upset by his 'attentive and helpful' ways with her. He said she is a nice person and a valuable colleague he wants to help. I said I felt sick and that I had to go to bed. He asked if I wanted any water, and that he cannot stop seeing her through work and that I had to accept it. I slept.
Using his device to call my Mum, he had text her ahead of a meeting the other day after trying to call her to say he was running late, he'd emailed the others to change the venue of a meeting because she couldn't make it there, and he'd emailed her at 8am the next morning with another matter.....it just goes on and on....
In all honesty, he's said its work and nothing else, but I have to take time / space to think his responses, including his clumsiness in the kitchen through, because I don't know if I can adjust to this level of contact between them. When he said he suggested meeting more often with her (yes I know he's telling me this....nothing to hide and all that) but I still think this is overkill - his own in-house corporate consultant is not even involved??!! Maybe nothing is going on YET but it sure as hell sounds to me like he's flirting with the idea, No?

[TheEvilJester]

I mean, I've said this every step of the way.... it really is too hard for any of us to comment with 100% certainty because A) we weren't there and B) he still somehow continues to manage to skirt that line where you don't know for SURE something is going on, but you still feel like something just doesn't smell right.

The only thing I can say is I'm not sure if the best approach was to ask so many questions about it. You asked him so many things like "Why do you contact her so much?" "Why do you contact her it all hours of the day?" "Why do you contact her at strange hours even when nothing is urgent?" Again.... all of that is really just dancing around what you really are asking. More so, I think the question is that you are feeling uneasy about the situation BECAUSE of all these circumstances..... so bottom line, IS anything going on between them beyond professional/friendship, or if not, does he wish to pursue it as a possibility? You don't necessarily need to come right out and ask it just like that, but I think that is still the bottom line of what you want to know.

Asking all these many questions and follow-ups could make him feel interrogated. When it comes right down to it, his answer to each of those individual questions really doesn't matter in the big picture. The important thing is that one question.

HOWEVER.... all of that said, I am personally not happy with how defensive and abusive he sounds when you describe how the discussion went. And, again, I could just be misinterpreting. Maybe if I had been present for the conversation, I'd have felt differently. ....However, even if you didn't come right out and say it, it is VERY obvious what you are worried about, and yet he conveniently ignores the real question here. Not only that, but everything about what you describe in the interaction makes it sound to me like he was just super defensive about the whole thing, and almost as though he kept trying to turn the whole thing around on you.

At no point in what you describe do I get the feeling he tried to re-assure you in any way, or to make it clear that his relationship with her is strictly professional, and maybe as work friends.... but absolutely nothing more. To me, that honestly speaks VOLUMES, more so than his actual words. The fact that it sounds like all he could do is bend over backwards trying to defend his actions.... rather than to re-assure you that you were misinterpreting them. It is often the guilty who are most vocal about their claimed "innocence."

I don't necessarily know what else to suggest at this point. Again, he's still not provided enough evidence for you to be sure something is going on.... but he's definitely provided PLENTY that I think would make anybody a little worried if they were in the same situation. You've tried talking to him about it, and it seems like any time you do all he can do is come up with excuses for everything, and try to make you look like the bad guy for even suspecting anything.... but yet he won't just come out and say "No, nothing is going on between us, YOU are my girlfriend, and nobody is going to come between that."

The ONLY way I could understand the way he's reacted to you is if you have a history of suspecting him of cheating but he never has. Maybe if you are often mistrusting him even where no mistrust is deserved, THEN I could understand if he's starting to reach his limit with it. Only you know if that is maybe the case. As it is, assuming that is not the case.... I just honestly cannot understand why his gut reaction would be to instantly say "Sweetheart, NOTHING is going on between us. Her and I are work friends, and nothing more than that. Sure, maybe sometimes we'll grab lunch or a coffee or something, but she's just my work buddy." I can't see how his initial reaction is NOT to reassure you that YOU are his gal and nobody else. I know that would be my first reaction, not to get all defensive and aggravated. But... again, without being closer to your situation, it is harder for me to know for sure.

Again, best of luck to you. I hope you are at least able to finally get to the bottom of this very soon. At least so you can know for sure whether or not there IS a cause for concern after all. So that way if there is NOT, you can just go back to being a happy couple, but if there IS, you can decide if you it may be better for you to move on, end things, and give yourself time to heal before getting back out there to find somebody new.