How to handle this situation with this guy from work ? He hit on me & is now so rude

[claire21]

I started a new job 2 months ago, and I met a guy there, who was also new (we're a group of 4 new employees). He immediately started to pay a bit more attention to me than the others in the group, he was a flirty, touchy. He wanted to team with me everytime we had to, especially if the workshop included physical contact. But he was charming and gentle, we seemed to have a nice "connection".

After a few weeks, he asked me out, suggesting that we went out just the two of us for a drink one evening. We did, and at several moments I felt like he wanted to get physically closer. When saying goodbye there was an awkward silence and when he kissed me goodbye (on the cheeks), he kissed me quite close to the mouth. But he didn't reach at me much after that, which led me to become a bit colder (he did reach at me 2 days after the "date", but to ask help for sth, and didn't even mention that evening). I was confused.

He started to blow hot and cold. Sometimes he is agressive to me, or distant, other times he still is very flirty and touchy, makes a lot of blunt sexual or romantic insinuations. When we do sth just the two of us, he says things like "we're doing it as a couple" "I'm glad I can have a romantic walk with you"... He also compliments me (my eyes for instance). Most of the time, he'd also look at me when I'm not looking.

Because of his behaviour with me, I assumed he was single. I found out a few weeks ago that he had a girlfriend, he casually mentionned it in the middle of a group conversation. I was bummed. And even after saying that, he kept hitting on me...

He also started being very moody and agressive with me. I confronted him with that, cause it was making me incomfortable. He said that he really appreciated me a lot, that he could be sensitive and moody when he takes a "close interest" in someone. I didn't know what to think of it.

I don't want to have anything to do with him anymore, I felt so confused and deceived when I found he had a gf. But he is being super cold and rude to me again, it's becoming a bit of a problem in our group of friends. He ignores me even if I'm sitting next to him, but he is super outgoing with everybody else. He doesn't speak to me. If we're having lunch for instance and he's serving water, he's gonna offer it to everyone except from me. And he acts very rude generally and despising towards me. We have lunches and coffee breaks with a few friends/colleagues every day. If I'm asking who's available to join me for lunch, and he is up for it, if he realizes the others can't make it he changes his mind at the last minute and ditches me in front of everyone saying he'd rather have other plans then. And he never apologizes for ditching me.

I do not know what to do or how to handle this situation. The atmosphere is tensed, but I don't want to be rude to him cause it may backfire. But I just can't stand his attitude anymore, I don't understand this change. We seemed to get along and have a connection, I thought he was into me at first. Any opinion would be appreciated !

[richiro]

Wow ok.. so.. this is starting to border on "legal" stuff (aka workplace harassment or sexual harassment in the workplace). So let's break this down:

1. What is up with him and why does he act this way?
Unfortunately he is the worst kind. He is a predator. And as you can already tell, a bit abusive (mentally/emotionally.. which means potentially physically). It does not matter to him if he's with somebody or not, he's always on the prowl. So that's key .

2. Why is he suddenly acting cold with you?
Because you rejected him (as you should have) and haven't given in to what he wants (yes.. he wants sex with you - he is a predator.. it's about the hunt and winning the hunt.. not a relationship or connection). When somebody rejects him he has to lash out to "punish" you for doing so and somehow justify to himself why you are able to reject him (as he no doubt believes he's absolutely adorable and nobody can not want him).

3. So what should you do about it?
Well again, this is bordering on legal harassment (well, not even bordering.. it really is harassment - especially if he has any control or influence or say in your standing/status with your new job). People like him are huge egomaniacs and must have their egos fed. This is why they react so hard when rejected - they're not used to it. The egomania comes from an unhealthy self-insecurity deep down - which drives him to overcompensate outwardly to reassure his deeper insecurities.

So how do you make it stop? Eventually it will -you have to wait it out. Things that can help nudge it along?
- don't react to him. The [URL=http://www.loveforum.net/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1]#1[/URL] thing that keeps these people going is to see a reaction out of you. As long as they see any reaction of any kind out of you - they internalize that as they stil have "influence" and thus "a chance" with you. So they keep going becuz they can't help themselves to keep 'hunting' you until you give in. So the better and more consistent andcompletely you do not react or let him phase you - the quicker he'll see there is no more "hunt" in you and will find somebody else to hunt.
- So what do i mean by "not reacting"? This is the tricky part. ignoring or avoiding him - is a reaction. Because his presence or actions CAUSE your actions. see? So the best way to shut these people down is to not avoid them, or react to them. Let them do what they do, react to them but in an unphased manner to show that nothing he can do can phase you. So if he tries to push the "we'd make a great couple.. i love our romantic walks..." just straight out without emotion say something like, "talking about phase B of our project isn't something i'd call romantic..." or "i'm sure your girlfriend agrees". just something to remind him its not romantic and you have no interest in it being so. Then, graceully if he invites again, just say "no thank you.. " and give some reason (doesn't have to be real).

less is better here. the less you say and engage him, the quicker hell get the vibe there is nothing he can do to phase you. keep it to business and tha'ts it. don't worry or be phased, or most importantly SHOW ANY effect from his behavior to you (like not offering you this or inviting you that). Act "matter of factly" and just do your own thing. stop keeping tabs on what he's doing and not doing or how he's treating you or anybdy else as well! If you do that, he'll autoamticaly thnk he still has you.

- Lastly.. if you're able to do the above and he still keeps coming and its making you uncomfy at work or affecting your status/standing at work or makes you not want to come to work, then it's time to talk to the manager, ombudsman, or HR to say that a co-worker is making "coming to work very uncomfortable for you". I have alwyas found it far more efffective to come at them as if you just want clarification or want to ask for their advice on how to handle it - then let them handle it. these "key words" HR and managers are used to hearing - they'll undersatnd what's up and the legal implications to the company about it if it continues.

Rest assured, he's probably done it to others as well so if and when it comes out - i'm sure others will step up and corroborate that this is a consistent pattern of behavior with this person.

I am so sorry you are going thru this. It is a very serious situation and why HR is the last place to contact, but the one that will get immediate/dramatic response. HR will always appreciate that you attempted to fix it yourself by having a direct conversation with the person if you can (not confrontational.. but just things like "i have asked him to stop X times" "i have refused his invitations/advancements X times", etc.

OH LASTLY.. write down every incident with a date and who was in the vicinity (if any) who can be asked as witnesses. don't do this AS it's happening. but immediately after it happens. To have actual dates, times, quotes, names of witnesses - and to know you did this immediately after each incident (and especially after you asked it to stop) is very powerful with HR. Save any potential emails (although these people typcially are sneaky enough not to do anything in writing).

Good luck! Please hang in there. I hope it stops soon and you do not feel uncomfortable at work anymore after we follow some steps to stop it.