Am I just being insecure or should I be worried?

[Naysauce]

I've been with my bf 3 years and when we first met I had met a bunch of his girl friends at a party he hosted introducing me as his gf that night. Fast forward two years into our relationship I notice he's always liking this one girl "friend" pictures and post on fb. I told him it bothered me when he was liking this girl in particular selfies. Every single time. It was no big deal to him since they were just friends. Last year me and him got into a fight and I wanted to see him but he likes space when he's mad. Come to find out he was actually messaging her while he was avoiding me asking if she wanted to go for a smoke ride. My bf enjoys smoking with his friends which is fine but the fact that we're fighting in this one particular girl I don't like bothers me so I was really upset by this.
I found out by going in his fb and I don't think they actually met up and she messaged me too saying she's just a friend not to be worried. But not even a week ago I went through his phone (spare your breath if your going to lecture me over that because I know I shouldn't but I did) and I saw he had messaged her on fb wishing her a happy birthday and saying he wishes he could see her but hope all is well with kissy face. Should I be worried? Is this something I should bring up?
It just freaks me out because he only messages her when I'm not with him. I don't know if it's because he associates a fight between me and him if he communicates with her because I've asked him to not in the past because she's trouble. What he's doing is wrong by sneaking to still communicate with her when he knows it would bother me but now that I saw that I don't know how to react. I know they don't talk often and my bf goes out of his way to be nice to everyone so I'm not sure if it's just me being insecure and leave it alone or if I should say something.
Its not like they actually met up or cheated on me but still It's been bothering me and I don't want to cause a fight if it's just me being insecure I need someone's second opinion. The only reason I feel like I may be over reacting is because they've been friends before I knew him and if there was anything going on in sure they would've been together if they wanted too. I need someone to help me see clearly what's going on!

[richiro]

yeah.. i think you're getting worked up over nothing. everything you mentioned makes sense to me as a guy.
1. if he's not messaging or socializing with her while he's with you it means he's COMMITTED TO YOU when he's with you. DUH! woudl you rather have him socializing with her WHILE YOU'RE WITH HIM? this is no brainer sign to me that he IS COMMITTED TO YOU as when he's with you - there is no one else... so you are barking up the wrong tree on that one. be careful what you wish for / complain about on this one.

2. smokeing ride to me (as a former smoker) means he was stressed and needed a release and somebody to talk to BECAUSE OF YOUR FIGHT.. not b/c he's trying to mack on her and cheat on you. duh! again. this is what smokers do. they smoke and talk about their stresses. So again. see this as.. he's only doing this because of what happens between you. if he were doing this all the time when things are GREAT between you - that would be somethign else. but he only does it WHEN YOU TWO HAVE PROBLEMS! That tells me she is actually helmping him try to make it right with you!

3. because they have become friends and it sounds like she is his confidant in giving him "girlie advice" when it comes to you and him - of course they will have a closer friendship. it's hard for a guy to open up like that about emotions, and feelings - it's not natural for us.. so when we find a female that is willing to be there for us to explain the "woman side" we never get - we tend to be very close to them and come to depend on them to help us through our relationships. Gusy don't go around spilling their gutts to dozens of women to get help with their gf problems.. we speak to 1! Nor woudl you want, or be happier with, i'm pretty sure - your bf spilling his gutts about all his problems with you to dozens of women he knows right? its actually out of respect and decency to you that he only spills that to 1 gal.

yes you are barking up the wrong tree.
yes you acknowledge you do things ou shouldn't that break trust in a relatinship.

you need to trust him. because if you don't and can't trust him - why are you with him? there is NO relationship without trust. So trust him. as longas you're with him you NEED to trust him.
if you can't and that's impossible - then it's time for you to break up with him.

good luck.

[Naysauce]

Thank you for replying. I just wanted to add that even though it may seem like it's me being insecure some of the feelings of uneasiness aren't unwarranted. One of the reasons being is that I've met all of his friends and my bf usually invites me to hangout with his friends and I usually do but not this one girl in particular I'm not to found of. Maybe because he knows I don't like her but he's never even tried to like hang out with both of us at the same time. And in his message wishing her a happy birthday he says he wishes he could've seen her and sends a kissy face. It's just a little odd to me. And I know if something was going on truly I would know but I just hope it never gets to that point.

[melancholia]

I think you're reading too far into the birthday message. I send messages like that to my guy friends, that I wish I could see them or that I miss them, and I have no intention of ever hooking up with them and it's well known between both of us. I generally tell people to trust their instincts and that if you are snooping through your SO's social media or emails or whatever, that you simply don't trust them and you will find something you don't want to see, because you will place meaning behind messages/interactions when there is no ill intent behind them. In this case, I think you should start doing some digging in your own brain and thought patterns and find out what the root of this problem is. Why don't you trust your boyfriend? Do you react like this about all of his female friends, or is this his only female friend, or is this the only female you feel threatened by? Has your boyfriend ever acted in a way that has broken your trust?

I think you need to start communicating more with your boyfriend about this, but try not to be so emotional about it. I don't mean hiding your feelings, but I mean that you should bring it up at a neutral time, and use non-accusatory, non-judgmental language when you bring it up to him. Talk to him about how you feel and why you feel that way, without freaking out about it. It may seem hard to do, but if you ever want to get past this, you're going to have to. Chances are he won't want to end the friendship with her just because you asked, nor should he have to. It's not up to you to control who his friends are or who he spends his time with. So you have 2 options: 1) Get over it and accept it for what it is and decide right now that you're going to trust your boyfriend; or 2) Break up with him. It doesn't sound like you want to choose option 2, so I suggest you try to get to know the friend. Set up a lunch or coffee date with both of them so you can see them interact with each other, or if you are comfortable, try setting up a coffee/lunch date with just her. To clear the air and to get to know your BF's friend.

I've been dating my boyfriend for 7 months and have gotten to know most of his friends, some of them are females. Knowing them makes it so much easier to qualm those fears that he might be into those girls; but honestly, unless they dated before you two got together, I doubt you have anything to worry about (and even if they did date prior, it doesn't necessarily mean anything will happen between them). What will destroy your relationship is your unnecessary behavior and attempts to control who he is friends with. That will ruin your connection and he won't want to hear you out when you try to talk to him about how you feel. I think you owe it to yourself and your BF to make more of an effort to understand where he is coming from, and to let go of some of the insecurities you are feeling. Trust your boyfriend until he gives you a reason not to trust him, and learn to let go of some of the fears you have because it will not do you any favors.

[richiro]

I didn't say they were unwarranted. YOu have every reason to wonder and be insecure. Humans are insecure beings by nature
So i'm not telling you its wrong to have these feeelings.

Im' saying you're barking up the wrong tree and this is something (insecurity, jealousy, trust) that all of us need to work on and improve and be conscious of. To let it rule our lives is where we are wrong - but to be insecure and paranoid is human nature. Hope that makes more sense.

But in the end.. "trust" is the [URL=http://www.loveforum.net/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1]#1[/URL] requirement in a relationship. If you just can't find yourself able to do that - then it's time to break up. Just because you like or love somebody doesn't mean you were supposed to end up together - so you have to let some go. in the end it's not a horrible thing. If you can let it go on a humane/graceful level you may find years on later when you both have found the person you CAN trust and keep - that it becomes a fond memory of friendship you can reflect upon once "we're all older and wiser and mellowed out"...

So no. it's not wrong to have these feelings. Please accept my apologies if i mistakenly said that or portrayed that.
What happens happens... that is never important (including feelings). What MATTERS is how we deal, react, and what we do with them once it happens. And often times what we do with it should help us NOT react that way to begin with and avoid the "what happened" in the future.

Good luck! I'm hoping the best for you! And yes.. good male/female friends can show affection or have affection for each other in a constructive, non-romantic way. that's also human nature (just as long as it doesn't cross the line... just as long as the friend doesn't take precedence over the gf -- which as i pointed out in my last post.. it appears he has NOT done this as much as what he has done has bothered you...)