Am I being unreasonable with how I feel?

[NinaDreams]

Hello all.

I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 6 months. We were broken up for a bit last year and dated around 6 months prior to that. I'm feeling like an un-supportive girlfriend in my situation and was hoping for other opinions.

He is 43 and I am in my mid 30's. Over a decade ago, long before we ever met, he was in a semi successful local band. He's a very talented musician. His friends all act surprised and impressed that I've never seen the 'rockstar' side of him and am still completely in love with him.

After his band dissolved, he formed another smaller band and they played several gigs at bars on Friday and Saturday nights...on average around 5-6 times a month. This was probably around 5 years ago.

About 3 years ago, he suggested the trio take a break as 2 of the 3 members (not him) had new babies.

Recently, he's been talking about how he wants to rekindle the musical trio and play again in gigs and plans to start playing in shows again in the summer. I can tell he misses playing music, and I want him to engage in a creative outlet because it clearly makes him happy.

However, I find it bothersome in some respects and I'm finding myself feeling annoyed with the idea, and at the same time feeling very selfish.

We spend 2-3 nights a week together, and the majority of that time is during weekends.

If he is planning to reform this band, and play in paid gigs, it means the following: we will have to sacrifice some time together, (a massive chunk actually) mainly on the weekends. When we only spend 2-3 nights a week together as it is, that seems like a lot and a rather large sacrifice. Between rehearsing, and shows, I'm aware that it's a chunk of time he's going to be devoting to this. The time won't easily be made up during the week, as we both work full time and do not live together.

It also means the majority of places they play are in bars...and semi trashy ones at that. While I would like to go see him play now and then, I don't particularly want to spend all of my weekends sitting in bars. Having my boyfriend play in bars 3-6 weekend nights out of the month sounds kind of depressing and lonely to me.

I feel pretty torn. I want to be supportive of his talent and I want to support what he enjoys. At the same time, part of me feels like there's no real reason he has to completely devote himself to playing in paid gigs when he's 43, works ful ltime and is in a relationship. It makes me feel like I'm being selfish, but I wanted some other opinions. To make it clear: I would never make him choose between us and his music. If playing for audiences on weekends is what he needs to be happy, then I would never ask him to not do that.

[TheEvilJester]

Reading what you've had to say, here is my personal opinion....

No, I do NOT think you are being selfish. I definitely think a lot of people would feel the way you do about this situation.... especially given that you mention you two get so little time together as it is. If a relationship becomes more serious, the goal would eventually be to spend MORE time together, not less. So, yeah, I can definitely understand how you feel.

Of course, that doesn't necessarily mean he's wrong either. If that is what he wants, and that is what makes him happy, that is fine for him. So, you are definitely right not to want to give him some kind of "it's me or the music" type of ultimatum. That would be wrong.... frankly it would be as wrong for you as it would for him. As much as you shouldn't make him choose, you also shouldn't be with somebody you feel like you HAVE to make them choose between you and somebody or something else in order to make you happy.

So, I think the best bet here is for you two to have a calm, but completely honest discussion about it. I think you need to share with him that you enjoy the relationship and want to continue to see where that goes..... so you do want him to be happy as well, but you have some concerns that you won't see each other enough. Hopefully you two can talk it out and agree to a schedule that works for you both. Like, maybe sometimes he can take gigs during times you two wouldn't have typically gotten together anyway so it won't take your time away. Or, maybe he'd be open to not doing it as often as he maybe would like to just as long as he does get to go to gigs now and then.

Is his intention just to do it for fun, or is he actually seriously wanting to try to get his band signed? In other words, is he taking it seriously as a possible career, or is it just for fun? If he actually wants to pursue it as a career, then that WOULD take a lot of time and commitment. If he just wants to do it for fun, then maybe he'd be willing to do it once a month, or once every few months or whatever. That way, he gets to have his fun but not take too much time away from you two.

Bottom line, though.... you're not wrong if whatever he decides just doesn't work for you. You are right that you shouldn't force him to do anything he doesn't want or NOT do anything he DOES want..... but that also doesn't mean you just have to be okay with it. So, there is always the option that, if you two just cannot quite agree to an arrangement that makes you both happy, maybe it is best for you just to amicably part ways. I mean, hopefully it doesn't have to come to that, but if you two can't necessarily meet in the middle, it would likely be for the best.

Good luck to you!

[richiro]

well.. you are and aren't being selfish.

you are saying "i'm going to lose the 2-3 times per week iget to see him.. " hes thinking "its only 2-3 days / week when we play."
you are sying when he plays you can't spend any time with him.. he's saying, "its only a 2-4 hrs set 2X a week" (if that)

so.. in other words.. you're both only seeing it from your side and asking for the other person to do all the sacrificing.. rather then finding a compromise. the compromise might be this...

1. weeknights - you can't see each other fine. he does all his rehearsing and musicla stuff weeknights. try to get weeknight gigs to free up weekend gigs for you guys
2. if their gigs can only happen, or occasionally they get a weekend gig that's worth it - consider it a PAID VACATION for you guys of which during the DAYTIME - he is yours , not the bands. then during gig time.. he gets his band time (and of course you can join him and be there with im to enjoy your man's craft). i nkow you don't like "the bar scene" .. but as a firend of mine puts it - you do it cuz you CARE about them.. you still get to spend time with him and get to see a side that's IMPORTANT for him that he's ENJOYING and succeeding at - shouldn't a partner be HAPPY and ENJOY that ?

or if you can't stnad that bars that much. you get much needed SPA time or "you time" to do what you love on your own during that time - knowing you get the DAYS with him.

this one.. from where i can see. would be easy to find compromises in. musicians work at night... LATE at night. which leaves ALL DAY to do other things (time with you!) gigs can be a fun way to vacation together if the gigs are travel gigs. (or maybe you can request that they do travel gigs at places you'd like to see with him).

see?

thnk OUT OF THE BOX HERE... OUT OF THE BOX

[NinaDreams]

Is his intention just to do it for fun, or is he actually seriously wanting to try to get his band signed? In other words, is he taking it seriously as a possible career, or is it just for fun? If he actually wants to pursue it as a career, then that WOULD take a lot of time and commitment. If he just wants to do it for fun, then maybe he'd be willing to do it once a month, or once every few months or whatever. That way, he gets to have his fun but not take too much time away from you two.



Good luck to you!

thanks for taking the time to reply I appreciate your response. He takes it seriously, but it's not something that he would do as a career. He is however, very passionate about it all.

When he was last together with this band they played probably 5-6 weekend nights a month on average, particularly in the summer. We were together 6 months starting in 2015-early 2016. He broke up with me (it was an adult break up, not messy, he just said he basically wasn't ready) and subsequently contacted me months later to say he'd made a mistake. We've now been back together for 6 months so I think at this point, I just want more time with him. I don't want to consume his life, and don't want him to completely consume mine, but I already feel like our time together is limited which I think is the root of the issue. it's not as though this relationship is in it's infancy but then, we've 'only' been back together for 6 months. It's sort of like I feel a little stuck: I want to see him more but part of me feels like I should be grateful for the time I already get with him.

[TheEvilJester]

Richiro adds some good points as well with which I very much agree. This definitely seems like a situation where there easily COULD be a number of compromises you both can make that can keep you both happy. As we both pointed out, it is possible he can try to do most of his band stuff at times you two wouldn't have typically been together anyway. Or, it is possible he would be willing to agree not to do it quite as often as he did in the past.

I mean, for example, if you assume we have ABOUT 4 weeks per month, and you include Friday, that equals ABOUT 12 "weekend" days per month. If he used to do band stuff 5 to 6 nights a month, then that's already practically half the weekends in a given month.

Although, you did say "weekend NIGHTS." So, another possible compromise could be that, on band nights, you two spend as much time as you can during the day until he has his band stuff at night. Band gigs are often pretty late at night, so that would leave you two the whole rest of the day on a weekend day to hang out.

I also agree with richiro that another possible compromise is that he sometimes tries to book gigs in interesting places that you might also both enjoy exploring as a couple. That way, he can actually use the gig as an excuse to also take a sort of mini-vacation with you. You two get to do fun couple stuff during the day, then he has the gig at night. I definitely understand how you feel about the bar scene not being your thing. I am the same way. You shouldn't necessarily feel you have to go EVERY TIME. But, you should once in a while just to show him some support. But, I see no reason he should expect you to go every single time.

Still, as I said before, it would still be understandable if that just isn't enough for you. If his band stuff winds up taking up too much time for your comfort, you aren't wrong if that doesn't work for you. Just the same as he isn't wrong if he enjoys doing it and wants to continue. So, like I said, I think it really comes down to whether or not you two can agree to a compromise you both like. If not, maybe it would be best just to part ways similar to how you did before (cordial, adult, no mess, but just both understanding that this isn't the right situation, at least for right now). On the other hand, if it CAN work out, then maybe it is worth giving it a shot. Good luck again!