I like him, but I fear abandoment?

[Lovelife2017]

Before my recent ex, I did have 1 serious relationship, my 1st love. That relationship did end badly due to bad compatibility, but I was not afraid of being abandoned by new guys. I started dating another guy about a year later and he ended up telling me he wasn't ready and ghosted me. I met my ex online a couple weeks later (the other guy and I didn't date that long and I met him online as well). We had a long distance relationship for almost 6 months, again same excuses and I end up being dumped. Granted w/the last 2 guys, I admit I did a lot of chasing (big mistake). The new guy I'm interested in I found online as well and he is showing a lot more interest then the other 2 guys. We are going to meet up soon and if the chemistry is there we proceed further. How do I get over the fear of one day him being like well I'm not ready and I don't want to be w/you? Btw the other 2 guys initiated being exclusive and talked about wanting a relationship, also both of them lied about everything being fine until I pressed for the truth.

[lovemenot]

I know how you feel. It is very difficult to allow yourself to trust someone and be vulnerable like that again after you've had such bad experiences and got so hurt in the past.

I don't know a recipe to get over that fear, but what helped me was just making myself understand that past relationships have nothing to do with the present, like if the new guy was your first ever, you wouldn't have that fear even though you and him would be the same people. Unless of course there was one and the same reason why other guys left you, though I can't imagine that's true, but if that's the case you should definitely work on it. Otherwise there is really no reason for you to drag your past into the new relationship.

Also without letting go of that fear you won't be able to completely open up to him and love with all of your heart, so I know it's scary but you just have to take a risk and become vulnerable again. And being a hopeless romantic myself I do believe that true love is worth risking it. And it is also the beauty of true love - to allow yourself to be open and true and vulnerable and feel safe at the same time.

[Lovelife2017]

I know how you feel. It is very difficult to allow yourself to trust someone and be vulnerable like that again after you've had such bad experiences and got so hurt in the past.

I don't know a recipe to get over that fear, but what helped me was just making myself understand that past relationships have nothing to do with the present, like if the new guy was your first ever, you wouldn't have that fear even though you and him would be the same people. Unless of course there was one and the same reason why other guys left you, though I can't imagine that's true, but if that's the case you should definitely work on it. Otherwise there is really no reason for you to drag your past into the new relationship.

Also without letting go of that fear you won't be able to completely open up to him and love with all of your heart, so I know it's scary but you just have to take a risk and become vulnerable again. And being a hopeless romantic myself I do believe that true love is worth risking it. And it is also the beauty of true love - to allow yourself to be open and true and vulnerable and feel safe at the same time.

Funny thing, I tried not to let the past experience ruin that relationship, but I should have listened to my gut. Heck I even told my ex that fear of just being dropped one day and he said he would never do that. Though one huge difference between the 2 guys (ex and guy I dated briefly) and the new guy, is the new guy is actually actively pursuing me and showing interest. One other big fear is him losing interest in me as soon as I am old news or that I become a time filler.

[lovemenot]

oh you're so right actually about listening to your gut...I should have listened to mine too. Ever since the beginning this last relationship seemed too good to be true and if it feels like that it usually is. But still I took a risk and then from "too good to be true" it turned into a nightmare..

If you really feel the difference that this guy is actively pursuing you and before you were the one pursuing them, I think you shouldn't worry that much then.
And about him losing interest, I think it's out of your control. Just be yourself (the best version of yourself) and be honest with him since the very beginning and not afraid to show him how you really feel. Sometimes guys need reassurance as well. And from there your relationship can go two ways: it either grows and becomes stronger and more serious or the interest fades away. You can of course do some little things to keep him more interested, but it shouldn't feel forced. And then again - you might be the one who loses interest or become bored with him or realize that you two are just totally incompatible. It is not just his choice.
And you can never know what will really happen in the future, just be natural, hope for the best and do your best to get it;] and what happens happens:] I've always like J. Lennon's quote "Everything will be OK in the end. If it's not OK, then it's not the end" So just keep going;] And good luck!

[pcmaster]

[MENTION=78360]lovemenot[/MENTION] Hey why dont you make topic about your relationship? If you hava a problem or are going over breakup then feel free to ask for help and support.

[lovemenot]

[MENTION=42177]pcmaster[/MENTION] thank you for the offer;] I have already made a couple of post asking for advice. Here it is http://www.loveforum.net/love-advice-forum/99791-time-mean-guys.html (I hope the link works)
I'd be really greatful if you could offer some insight :] A post is a rather long, I tried to make it as short as possible because the story is even longer and more complicated.

[shrah25]

Funny thing, I tried not to let the past experience ruin that relationship, but I should have listened to my gut. Heck I even told my ex that fear of just being dropped one day and he said he would never do that. Though one huge difference between the 2 guys (ex and guy I dated briefly) and the new guy, is the new guy is actually actively pursuing me and showing interest. One other big fear is him losing interest in me as soon as I am old news or that I become a time filler.

HI there - the fact that this has been a recurring pattern means that there is something happening in terms of your inner psychology that is creating these experiences. This doesn't mean that you take on the feeling of guilt or blame towards yourself but by owning the experience, you have the ability to change it. I agree with the other post - the past doesn't equal the future so the more that you come from a place of openness and vulnerability for future relationships, then the greater the chance you will have to find that special someone who has stickability.

[pcmaster]

Guy is for sure bad news since hes not over his ex. So you would be just a rebound if stayed with him. Also if he treated bad his ex thats suggests that he is a-hole. I dont see what you have found in him, except that he is diferent than your previous guy and you dont want to be a lone. Think you still havent had time to see bad things about guy.

[Hooo!]

"press for the truth" aka discuss your relationship sooner
enjoy it while it lasts.
Being exclusive and relying on each other takes some time.

you ever were friends with someone and you almost considered them to be best friends and then it turns out you didnt know them at all?
well it happens. As you get to know people better you learn to know things that you dislike. Having a relationship on top takes effort to make it stay healthy.
If you are honest about your reluctancy and then at some point decide to let go and give it everything you have - you will be fine.
Important is to not wait too long and also to really pay attention to who they are - and not whom you want them to be.