needed advice

[Manju IT]

thanks hooo for ur reply.. ur right I am being socially conditioned person without even knowing to myself.. I was not aware of my life.. I just talk or act without knowing the consequences ..

I don't know exactly how to be aware of my words or thoughts or actions .. actually I feel like my life and thoughts are out of my control.. what should I do????

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sorry pcmaster .. I think ur not understanding... I m from a rural area and we can't just kiss or hug whenever we want.. here everything is tradition.. we have some values or terms that we need to follow.. may be kiss can be the solution but it is not the solution with my case.. I need some psychological solution to improve my confidence, improve myself..

I just feel I lack confidence .. I want to live a life where I should not disturb anyone with my thoughts or actions.. and I m also afraid of society ..I am over afraid on how people will think of me, that this blah blah blah..

I need to improve myself.. I want to be a successful person both in my personal and professional side.. I have many dreams and there are hell lot of obstacles both from outside and within myself..

though I could not fight obstacles from outside at least I need to flight obstacles from within myself..

[pcmaster]

You cant be normal if you dont live normal life. Here in europe we can hug and kiss with our girlfriends. Its healthy, nice and sweet. Also problems you mentioned can be solved with heathy sex life.
Sure you can follow your gods and traditions. But they dont care about your happiness or satisfaction. Right now you are being just good slave. If thats who you wanna be then dont change your beliefs and traditions. If you want extreme results then it takes extreme actions.
I think you could do well with traveling around europe for a while. Sure it might be too expensive but maybe if you would see diferent cultures you would have something to compare with. Cause I think in your area culture is BS. People should be free and do what they want and when they want. That is if partner agrees with it of course.

Im not trying to change you. Im just saying that there is easdy fast and pleasurable way to change the way you want. Sure you can go the long and difficult path to it but that might take years if it will happen at all. Your other option is therapist and life coach.

[Manju IT]

its really a nice thought to go around the world ...may b one day I would fly...

what is mean by life coach??

[pcmaster]

I mean person who trains you for life. To unleash your full potencial and get unstuck.

Maybe start by traveling india. Like live in bigger more open minded city for a while.

[Manju IT]

very soon pcmaster...and even i m longing for life coach who can help me out in distress..

[Hooo!]

actually I feel like my life and thoughts are out of my control.. what should I do????

find out what you want (see here on how: http://www.loveforum.net/love-advice-forum/99726-what-do-you-want.html )
If you are not getting it CHANGE what you are doing.

If there is something that repeatedly "happens" to yourself then find out what you did to make this happen to you.
Find out how to avoid that and what to do best instead.

Stop reacting to the world and start acting out of your own intentions to the world.
That means knowing what you want and what your intentions are. It also means (carefully) communicating them to the world.

Stop being a victim of fate, karma, circumstances, society, people or other outside things.
YOU have the power to change your circumstances. If you know what you want - go find out how to get there.
That doesnt mean being egoistical. It means being honest.
It doesnt mean you should not give anything to the world - you should. You should make the world a better place. But if you decide to do it, then do it because you WANT to.
And not because anyone (be it me, friends or the newspaper) tell you to.

You are afraid of what other people think of you? Thats bullshit. If you just react to the world people will think that you are everything you fear them about.
Every great personality has enemies and people who dont like them. Thats life. "If you are holding out for universal popularity you are going to be in this hut for a very long time"

[Manju IT]

I have a question to u hooo!..

one day ur coming to know that whom u thought as friend is making fun of u, thinking u as a cheap etc..etc.. how would u feel???

from the above mentioned circumstances will u be normal after knowing how people who have been friend to u itself has thought of u.. will u not be afraid of world...

and I have read what do u want thread.. actually wat u said is correct ..people always think that they are only facing that problem where many are also facing.. but people who say that problem as issue also knows that many are facing that problem somewhere in the world.. u might wonder then y r they asking .. but the problem with them is not that they are only facing.. problem is they don't have anyone to share , they don't have anyone to show kindness to them , show some confidence to them, give some advice to them.. that's why people are seeking help from forums..
this is in my point of view and if anything is wrong or if anything I misunderstood kindly say to me..

[Hooo!]

well that doesnt happen to me
because i have friends who are friends.

this happens if you are socially conditioned. You have people you are around
you always smile to them and do the accepted thing. You worry about your "reputation"

and then people tell you you are cheap.
Well to be frank: you ARE.
Or rather You have been up until now.

you can change. Take matters into your own hands.
Be responsible. If you dont like things how they are then CHANGE them.
or leave them

if you dont have anyone you can confide in, then why do you even worry about being socially acceptable?
With real friends you dont worry if you are socially acceptable to them.
If you dont have such friends yet its fine.
Think about the people in your life who matter to you and to whom you matter. Think about who do you want to have in your life - and who dont you wanna have in your life.

Real friendship can only be made out of trust and the willing to give to each other.

[Manju IT]

of course I worried about reputation..but as a proverb says "while in Rome be as a roman".. we have to live a life as how people live their life right??

I m not saying that since people here are like this so I have to be like this but I have seen people who live differently and what people talk about them in their backs.. so if I do so ..same thing vl happen to me right?? once ur known that this vl b ur consequences for being so and so then how vl u b confident in doing like that..??

[Hooo!]

If I talked about you bad. If I spread lies about you to my friends and if I thought u were a horrible person
What exactly would that mean to you?

I've had people on forums like this call me a big head an idiot and worse.
So what? What is their opinion to me?
If I help some people that's enough for me.

If your alternative is to lead a life that is always dependent on universal popularity; if your alternative is to only do what other people tell you is acceptable;, if your alternative is to not have real friends and be superficial
Then how can you not have the courage to be true?

Im not telling you to annoy everyone
Or to be selfish or anything

Im telling you to be honest with yourself and with the world
And expect the same back

Im telling you to be respectful and demand respect

Im telling you to love instead of hesitating. I'm telling you to go out and open yourself up so much that you can get hurt
And you will find People doing the same for you

Im not telling you to live differently from everyone else. I'm telling you to continually grow to be a stronger more independent and open woman

If anyone looks down on you for that then you will pitty them for it when the time comes.
Just like I pitty everyone who is talking shit about me. Usually it means they have nothing else in their lifes or that they are near minded.
Sometimes I'm even curious if i can learn something from the bad things other people say about me an I'm. Ring thankful for them to be honest with me

[richiro]

our first love / relationship is always the hardest to get over. All i can say is it will happen and you will someday look back and laugh at this situation.
we all go thru this to learn the lessons of love and you will end up doing the same. hardly anybody gets it right or meets their mate the first time - and again you are just going thru normal stuff. although this doesn thelp now, know that the world isn't over, you're life isnot done with, there will be others, and you will get over this.

keep that head up and just make a great life (bf or no bf) and never - as you already found out - never give up your life, your friends, etc. for a love. loves come and go - our careers, family, friends, and "life" - stsay forever. so focus on that side, not the love side. love will take care of itself.

good luck.

[Manju IT]

that is the problem with me hoo! thanks for pointing out that... I don't have courage to leave the things that some people told bad about me.. I could not ignore things that spread about me in wronger way... we should actually live our life according to our wish.. but problem is I don't have that courage.. I definitely wanna get courage..

[Hooo!]

I do not think that courage takes a part in this.
I think you do have courage to

However I don't know wether you want to be responsible for yourself


You see there is two kinds of people: the first kind accepts that they are in power and also liable to their lifes
The second kind feels powerless. It is the fate, karma, god, the circumstances, the resources or the government (or the Supreme Court) that is not on their side. And therefor they are dependent

And both have their point. And the second is far easier as in it's not your fault nor your responsibility nor your liability
However I find the first to be the more useful mindset

This has not much to do with courage
It has to do with attitude

[Manju IT]

s hoo! may be... may be I m not taking responsibility for my life.. can u tell me how I should take responsibility for my life .. can u help me cultivate that attitude..

I also feel that I m really worrying about my future... even to go a company for work .. I m fearing that will that place be OK.. will it be OK for my family.. will it be OK for my boyfriend... I think a hell lot about if it would be OK for others though I like it...and I just fear wat if they worry about my action..

help me with my issue

[Hooo!]

I can try

Let's take this as an example

Let us say you want that job
You think it's good for you and you like it.

So what if they tell you it's shit - no reasons. They just say it's completely shit. What happens?

So another scenario: they have some concrete doubts about the job and share those with you. What happens?

Next scenario: they have some doubts but overall say it's good. What happens?

Next scenario: they just tell you it's the best and wonderful- no reasons. What happens?