Is this forgiveable

[Jbliclious]

Prior to meeting my partner I had been single and celibate for five years as I had been hurt really badly. My fiancée of five years met me and romanced me and chased me to go out with him. He was separated, getting divorce and had joint custody of his three kids. Granted, that was never a situation I saw myself in but he was a PC, so straightforward and loving and made such an effort with me and my family I thought I had found the one. We never argue or bicker, never had breaks everything seemed perfect apart from the divorce. As he had his kids 50% of the time and his wife was making the divorce hard I didn't go down to his place. I have never met his parents, I had spoken to his mum she told me that his ex is very difficult and she will stop them seeing the kids so they wanted everything to be finalised.
I have friends whose kids never ever see their fathers so I have been super understanding and loyal giving him the time he needed to make things right. Not just for him but mainly his children.

Anyway, a few weeks ago for the first time I said let me see your phone and he went mad so I knew something wasn't right. Did some digging and sadly have found out that he has never left his wife, they are still living together and have never been separated. I was a mistress, not through choice as I would never ever do that to another woman or myself.

I am truly heartbroken and mostly shocked, as I would not in a million years have thought he could lie like that and remember them. He lied to me every single days for five years and hard to know what was true. He has said that he has moved out and told everyone but who is to know.

And, his mum who I have spoken to wasn't his mum at all, it was a friend of his who agreed to the charade.

Love him to bits but its unforgiveable isn't it?

[pcmaster]

Well you cant trust the guy for sure. Normally you should leave without saying anything. This all was build on lies. So it wasnt real.

[Jbliclious]

Thank you, you are right. Guess I'm in love with the person I thought he was.

[nyarce]

Omg that sounds horrible. Im sorry you went through this. I hope you can find some peace knowing you gut instinct pushed you to investigate and discover the truth. Wow!

[TheEvilJester]

Oh yes, that is COMPLETELY unforgivable. I generally try to offer thoughts from both sides of the spectrum. Often on this message board I will offer my personal thoughts and advice... but then also play Devil's Advocate and argue somewhat to the opposite side as well. I try to be as unbiased as I can so I'm not unfairly directing anybody to any one side of the argument when maybe both could be somewhat valid in their own way.

....This is NOT a time where I can see validity to the opposite side of the argument. Divorce CAN be tricky and messy. It would be one thing if he truly was getting divorced, but it was just taking a while. BUT.... you found out there was never a divorce in progress. There was never even as much as a separation. For FIVE YEARS he's been lying to you and leading you on. I can't see any reason to even entertain forgiving that.

The depth of his lie only makes it that much worse. That he'd blatantly have some friend lie to you and pretend to be his mother?! God, this sort of thing infuriates me to no end. I would damn near KILL to have one special woman in my life who actually cares about me. It will never happen for me. I've had to accept who I am. I've had to accept my fate. ....It is things like this that just p*$$ me off all anew and make it harder to accept. That a scumbag like this jerk can have TWO women... and yet I don't deserve even one.

Blah blah blah. Sorry. Bit of a tangent there. Back on point now...

Believe me, I understand how you feel right now. That part of you wants to believe what you two had was real. The thing is, you even said it yourself.... you weren't in love with him, you were in love with the IDEA of him. You were in love with who you THOUGHT he was. And that's not your fault. He led you to believe he was truly that. I mean, I will say this.... in five years you maybe should have seen some signs of his dishonesty..... BUT, I can't really blame you for that. Sometimes love can be blind, so to speak. Sometimes when you think you are in love you miss even the most obvious of signs.... or you see them but ignore them (maybe even without realizing you are ignoring them) because part of you doesn't WANT to see them.

It will be hard at first. I wish I could tell you otherwise. But, you deserve so much better. You deserve to find everything you THOUGHT was so great about him.... you just won't find it in him. He's nothing but a lie. But that doesn't mean you can't find those qualities.... it's just that you'll find them in somebody else. For now, just realize that you DID NOT deserve to be played like that. There's nothing wrong with you and everything wrong with him. You should learn a lesson from this so you never let a scumbag like him do this again.... but that doesn't mean you should blame yourself.

You deserve better, and in time you will find that "better." For now, though, just focus on remembering that you are pretty darn awesome. That if he couldn't see that, or took it for granted, then that is his loss.... then he never deserved you in the first place.

Good luck to you. I am so sorry for what happened to you, but don't let it cause you to lose hope. You do deserve to find love, and you still can.... but you also deserve to love yourself enough to realize you deserve better. To realize that you are better off alone than you are with somebody like that.

[Jbliclious]

Hello

Thanks so much for your lovely response, it was heart felt and open.

And you do deserve a love, someone to love and someone who can love you.

I am truly heartbroken, don't know which end is up, don't know what was true and don't know how will ever trust again.

I am amazed a man who can express themselves so well in word hasn't got ladies beating the door down. I truly wish you find what you are looking for.

[lovebroken]

That level of lying is unbelievable, horrid, disrespectful, plain evil IMO. Block him, never speak to him again, what an awful person he is. Don't get pulled back into his den of lies, no person would accept or should accept what he has done to you. Never look back.

[Jbliclious]

Hello

Thank you very much for your response. Unbelievable is the perfect word to describe the horror. I am amazed at people who can lie, remember the lie and do so for five years. He conned me and I am soooooo disappointed in myself for not protecting myself more.

[MrsSimpf]

I'm sorry this has happened to you. Five years is a long time. Forgiveness is a choice that will help you move forward with your life. It's even healthy to forgive. But forgiveness is different than returning to negative, destructive behavior that has impacted your life. My mother always said that true love is made up first of trust and respect. Without trust and respect, a relationship isn't sustainable. In your shoes, I would not be able to continue in a relationship that was not what I thought it was and with someone who knowingly fooled me or didn't have any regard for my future--all he did was give himself permission to live a lie and have you live a lie. I pray you have the strength to move on without him and pray that you'll meet someone honest, open, and 100% committed to you.

[Hooo!]

You are right of course.
The problem is not only that you are in "love" or obsessed by the person you thought he was. You are in love with a person he intentionally made you believe he is but never was.

The sad truth is that the person you thought you love (and even worse whom you believed to love you) does not exist and additionally he made you believe that this person existed


However as this seems to happen frequently to you I wonder what you can change to avoid such results in the future.
I am not sure how this came to be. However distinguishing if persons are integer or just egocentric bastards could be one ability you might want to learn.

I am sorry for such a despicable thing happening to you.
The question is however how you are gonna deal with it and how you are going to prevent similar things in the future (as in what behaviour you need to change and what skills and mindsets you need to acquire)
If you want we can assist you with that

[TheEvilJester]

I'm sorry this has happened to you. Five years is a long time. Forgiveness is a choice that will help you move forward with your life. It's even healthy to forgive. But forgiveness is different than returning to negative, destructive behavior that has impacted your life.

Thank you, I did forget to mention this myself. Though, the only thing slightly different I will say is that it is definitely good to eventually forgive and move on..... but I would personally NOT say you should forgive HIM. I personally don't think some people deserve forgiveness, and to me this feels like one of those times. What you DO forgive, though, if you forgive yourself for letting this happen. Especially in your case since you didn't really let anything happen, he mislead you to believe he was something he's not. You forgive fate, the world, God, whatever it is you believe in for allowing this to happen to you. You move on so this no longer brings you pain.... but that doesn't mean you forget and it doesn't mean HE deserves your forgiveness. It just means you no longer dwell on it.

It's like I've said in other threads.... hate gets a bad image.... but it can be quite a useful tool when used properly and sparingly. For example, right now maybe you are hurting because of what happened to you. But, instead, the much more helpful idea to get in your mind right now is "How DARE he do that to me? How DARE he hurt me. I DON'T deserve that." A little anger, a little hate. Get yourself into a "he's a piece of barely human garbage" kind of mindset..... just don't dwell in that for too long. Hate, anger, they can be very empowering. They just aren't great if you dwell in them too long/let them consume you. Use the hate and anger to go from "How DARE he do this to me" to "I don't deserve that" to "I deserve better" to "I deserve better... and you know what? I'm going to go out and GET it." Then, let go of the pain so you can move on and be happy.... but also retain the lessons you learned from the experience so you don't make the same mistakes again.

Hello

Thanks so much for your lovely response, it was heart felt and open.

And you do deserve a love, someone to love and someone who can love you.

I am truly heartbroken, don't know which end is up, don't know what was true and don't know how will ever trust again.

I am amazed a man who can express themselves so well in word hasn't got ladies beating the door down. I truly wish you find what you are looking for.

Well, in turn, thank you as well for your kind words and well wishes. I could write a novel about why I've never belonged and don't think I ever will. But.... this thread isn't about me, it's for you. I'll be okay. Some days are tougher than others, but I'm learning to adjust.

Right now you are hurting, and it is understandable you find it hard to trust. Right now that is sort of for the best. You need to have your guard up a little because of what happened to you. You'll feel better in time, believe me. I know it may not feel that way now, but it will just take time. Then you will see that you will be able to trust again.... but hopefully that will also be a wiser, more experienced sort of trust. In other words, a trust that will come with a newly improved BS filter in case some other unscrupulous scumbag should prove unworthy of said trust. Selective trust, I think, is a good description for it. So that you DO give people a chance.... you just don't give them blind trust until they prove worthy of it.

Good luck. Again, maybe you aren't feeling it right now (but you will in time) so I will say it for you if maybe you can't say it to yourself yet..... YOU DESERVE BETTER!!!

[richiro]

yeah unforgivable. you fell into the same trap most females fall into.
you judge a man by how he treats you and how much you want to believe him - not on reality.

before you even said it was all a lie i could tell something was up right away and wass ready to type "he's never gong to leave her" to you. but you foudn out already.

what about him made you believe he coudl never lie to you? b/c he was nice? nice has nothign to do with it. in fact, i woudl way. if somebody is SO NICE, acting upser nice - it's the first sign that i shouldn't trust them (just think who the NICEST people are you ever meet! that's right.. CAR SALESMAN when you first walk into the dealership when you are looking for a car...!!!)

you have to see the infomation for what it is and ask yourself if it adds up. you can never believe th person themselves. you have to see if their words and actions add up. in this case, they never added up from the beginning. He's already seeing somebody before he's even started the paperwork for the divorce? that doesn't sound like a true divorce to me or somebody getting ready to divorce (and how mnay times have we heard people burned by this same "situation"? Probably at a +90% clip).

So learn from this. Don't judge people by how they judge you. Why? Because as long as they want something frmo you they'll treat you REALLLL NICE. it should tell you moreso that they want something from you.

instead.. judge people by if their words and actions jive... and if it seems reasonable if you step back. not because YOU WANT IT to be true - but moreso how many times have you known it to be true vs not?

good luck for next time.

[TheEvilJester]

Unless we are talking about somebody being ridiculously and obviously nice, I don't know that I agree that somebody being nice should be considered suspicious. Before I'd become cynical and jaded because of the life I've led, I made it a point to be nice in general. Genuinely nice, not fakely nice. I wasn't nice to people because I wanted something, I was nice to people because I saw no reason not to be unless they gave me a reason to stop. To me, more so the true test is does the person's actions match the nice words the say? In other words, somebody can ACT nice but secretly be completely full of crap. Like this guy ACTED perfectly nice.... yet the entire time he had NO intention of ever leaving his wife and damn well KNEW that and choose to lead Jbliclious on anyway. It's just unfortunate that this particular scumbag hid his misdeeds pretty well from her. Some scumbags can't hide the fact that they are scumbags very well. You can catch them pretty easily. Some scumbags have gotten really good at fooling people into thinking they are great, trustworthy people. It takes longer to find them out.... but eventually they all slip up.

[richiro]

i said if somebody is SO NICE... acting SUPER NICE... i didn't say just if they act nice.
please don't take my comments out of context.