Am I just damaged goods?

[DAcrazy79]

Ok I have been single for about 8 months now. My last relationship was very emotionally and physically abusive which has destroyed my self esteem and has caused me to have serious trust issues along with several other lasting effects. The thing is I don't want to be alone. I want someone in my life so bad. I've gone from one bad relationship to another and I want to find my "one"

I have recently for the past few months been trying to date again. I have had hardly any luck. All I seem to attract is guys who just want to hook up and nothing serious. I also have developed a bad habit of this. I am an extremely sexually active even to the point where I feel I may be addicted to it. Now all the guys I meet I end up hooking up with and it doesn't go past just sex. I know I should not give in and sleep with them but I always do.

I feel like somehow I'm damaged and guys can see right through me and does not want to get emotionally involved at all. I am also very shy and nervous on a date and sex seems to be the only thing that eases my fear. I don't want to be this girl. I want someone to love me and treat me right. I want to meet someone who makes me feel secure and not afraid and nervous.

Any advice on what I can do to end this repetitive cycle and find the right guy? How do I go about doing it? I have kids at home and don't really get out much. I'm not big on the social scene, so I been relying on the internet which I'm having no luck at. I live in a small town and I feel like I'm gonna get a bad reputation if I keep going on like I have been, then no guy is gonna want me. Please help!!

[sheaintme]

Hi, what you can do to end that cycle is CHANGE how you date. Sex & relationship are two different things. Dating is basically getting to know some one, seeing if they are even worth your time/ emotions. Also if your not 100% ready for a relationship with insecurities & other personal issues maybe you should work on being happy alone before you enter a relationship. AND yes men can recognize a "needy" woman by far.... So build some confidence, get some standards & qualifications for the next man you date. A man walks into a room & can notice a confident/structured woman in a room full of a thousand other women just by her posture & attitude. So If your ready to move on to a relationship you may have to sacrifice sex for a period of time so you can get to know if the guy is in it for the future. If you keep giving up sex without any commitment/ sacrifice on his part or him meeting your standards-the cycle will be infinity. Hope this helps*

[DAcrazy79]

The truth is I have always had self esteem issues as long as I can remember. I'm not self conscious of the way I look or anything. I've even been told I was a very attractive desirable woman, but I struggle with social anxiety and have my who life. Its not as bad as when I was young and I am a very outgoing person once I'm comfortable around someone. It just takes me a very long time to open up to a new guy. I am extremely shy and nervous to the point I'm constantly giggly and do not know how to relax enough to hold a conversation.

As far as the sex thing goes, I don't know why I feel so comfortable and ok with it but its the only time I can just let go and let the my desire for it take over. I sometimes wonder if I am an addict because as many times as I tell myself I'm going to stop, I don't. I can go a few days but then the desire to seek out a partner takes over. At this point I would even be ok with just one person I can go to to fulfill that need. I just want to have someone long enough to get comfortable outside the bedroom with. Someone who I can also just hang out with ect. I can't even seem to find that or when I do it's not often enough as I prefer so I end up seeking out more options. I don't know where to turn or what causes me to be this way.

[GLYC]

No, you're not just damaged goods. You will find somebody that values you and your kids.

Hold out longer on men for sex, they will respect you more because of it.

Also, be patient with men that you initially you aren't seeing them as much as you would like.

Once a week for the first few weeks is nice. It shows that the man can be patient, and possibly he wants to let you come at your own pace.
Or that's the dating approach that I employ today in my life with women. I like it this way, it's much calmer and more relaxed.

Afterall, dating should be about hanging out and having fun as you said!

Online dating works a lot of advantages for women. You have a lot of choices with men on those sites.
Of course a lot of the men are also douche bags or no good, but you just have to use tests to weed them out.

[richiro]

In a nutshell "yes you are damaged goods."
That you "can't stand to be alone" is what allows you to be taken advantage of and abused. Do you understand that? You are so in need of being with somebody, you are willing to put up with a lot of sh*t to be with somebody - THUS peopel will give you tons of sh*t knowing you won't leave!

So... the [URL=http://www.loveforum.net/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1]#1[/URL] thing yo have to work on now is being SINGLE. Learn how life can be fulfilling and BETTER single. How it can be fantastic... SINGLE! "how is that possible?" i can hear you say. it's easy. Start thinking of and writing down all the fun stuff you enjoy - THINGS (not people). activities, hobbies, whatever. THEN START DOING THOSE THINGS. Start a list of things you've always been curious about and start DOING THOSE THINGS and playing explore and discovery. Once you see how life can be enjoyable, or you can fill your life with enjoyable things that DO NOT REQUIRE other people, that's when you start to build the "i don't want somebody to come in and ruin some of the great things i am already enjoying in life" and now that reverses the abusive cycle. improves your self-worth and self-esteem.

There are tons of things to enjoy and put a smile on your face and fulfill you. FIND THEM. DO THEM. FIND MORE OF THEM. DO MORE OF THEM. Just do that for now. Realize that THOSE THINGS can never GIVE YOU A BAD DAY or hurt you (like a bad relationship partner) and thus are reliable for you.

good luck.

[Snow White]

Hmmm...I started laughing when richiro called you "damaged goods." If you were in an abusive relationship, the best thing for you to do first is to get some counseling. This could help you with what you feel may be sex addiction. Sometimes, I think it can be much easier to accept a man to "make love" to us and make us feel wanted. When we have a low self esteem, we feel worthless on our own. Because of the law of attraction, bottom feeders will be attracted to you and your vulnerability. It is hard to all of a sudden be alone even if your last relationship was not good. But it is important to take a little time for yourself so you can figure out what is best for you. The fact you have children is very important too. Remember, whether you realize it or not, they see and pick up on everything. I wish you the very best. Remember, you are worthy of the very best. You are deserving of love and respect.

[DAcrazy79]

Unfortunately what Richiro said is very true. I can't stand being alone. I have been out of one relationship right into another since I was 14 years old. I got married at 16. My parents signed for it to happen because they didn't want to take responsibility at the time I wouldn't go to school and they saw that as an easy way I could drop out, which I did. I've never even learned how to drive or ever even had a job because my husband didn't want me to work. All my life has been a roller coaster of bad controlling or abusive relationships. This is the first time I've ever been single and I have no idea what to do. I'm currently staying with my sister living out in the middle of nowhere where I couldn't get a job even if I knew how. I don't have money for hobbies or anything so I focus all of my attention to guys and sex. I really do think I am addicted because it's all I think about and I can't seem to shift my focus to anything else. Even my children suffer because my mind is not there. I know I need help and counseling but I can't afford it. My sister is already threatening to kick me out over all the hooking up with guys. Where do I turn really?

[GLYC]

You're 37, just start working. You have some talents and skills. Become independent. Establish yourself and your priorities. A key to great relationships is to be happy being single, as once you are there, you can walk out of bad relationships with ease as you're content with being alone.

Abusive and badly controlling relationships can be a result of the type of men you are initially drawn to.
Example, you said you like the security of having a man. These men will cling to whatever they can.

[Snow White]

You are a young woman who never had any support or guidance growing up. At 16, your parents didn't want to take responsibility for you and allowed you to get married?! What type of relationship did you have with your father? I'm guessing it wasn't a good one. I can't comment on the sex addiction. I don't know enough about it, but I use to be very promiscuous. It made me feel wanted and desirable and in control.

You are not "damaged goods"! You are a woman who has been mistreated all her life and knows only that. The fact that you call yourself damaged goods shows you feel unworthy of anything better for yourself. But you can not continue this same type of behavior. It is very dangerous. No matter how low you may feel, there are things that you can, that you MUST do for yourself and your children.

I can not stress enough how much you need some type of counseling. They have meetings at churches and such for sex addicts and abused women that are free. Get on the internet and search. Also, I have a book I strongly recommend. 'You Can Heal Your Life' by Louise Hay. It's an easy read and the author went though a lot of abuse herself.

We become what we continuely tell ourselves we are. Start loving yourself and forgiving yourself and decide who it is you truly want to be.