I dont understand her

[AT95]

Coming from a woman's perspective, this is an easy one.

You are being jerked around. Plain and simple.
Reason why she gives you hot and cold treatment is because when some days she is down, she likes your attention.
When days she is not down, you can take a hike.
She is probably going through some stuff with another man.
And sadly for you, you are being used as a pacifier to her ego.

Women only behave this way when they know THEY DO NOT WANT TO BE WITH YOU AT ALL!
I MEAN....AT ALL!!!!

She is only using you to feel better about herself.
And when she gives you that attention, you think it is for you.
No, it is solely for her own benefit.
And when you ignore her, she doesn't like it.
Why? She can't feel better, that's why.

My advice: leave her alone. Ignore her. Not to play games or reverse psychology here.
You are being used. She knows it. You know it.
And frankly, women lose respect for men who do not act like men.
And the more you entertain her, asking her what's wrong.. the more you are begging her to treat you like a doormat.
If you continue to act like a doormat, and you get treated like a doormat, you have no one to blame but YOURSELF!

You should be loving as a man when the other person deserves it.
Continuing to love and entertain someone after you have been disrespected is an "eeewwww!" for women.
We just cannot, will not see ourselves being with you.

Leave her alone. Stop asking her how she feels. Be cordial. Be civil. Treat her in a business manner.
If she asks you what's wrong, just say "nothing is wrong. I'm good". Smile and walk away. (That's what I mean by ignoring.)
If she asks why are you are ignoring her, say "I'm not. I'm just working" and go back to what you are doing. (That's what I mean by ignoring.)
OR say "It is only ignoring if you are feeling ignored" Smile and walk away. (That's what I mean by ignoring.)
Be civil, but don't ask questions. Be civil, but stop opening your mouth and have more conversations.

Again, this girl will never see herself being with you.
She has no respect for you. Kinda hard to get that back.
The only way you will recover from that is to avoid her. Be cordial. But keep avoiding her.
She won't like it. She will probably have an attitude.
And if she does? You ignore that too as if you did not even notice it.
You're not getting what you want from her. She's not getting what she wants from you. Sounds fair, if you ask me.
You have more chance with her acting like this than acting like a doormat.
Trust me!

In life, you have to teach people how to treat you and what your value is.
You do this by having standards of behavior that you will not accept.
You don't have to be rich or good looking to create value and respect.
It is in your ACTIONS of what you do not accept is where you create value and respect.
People will do what you allow them to get away with.
If you don't place value on yourself, others will create that value for you.
And your value is VERY LOW in her eyes.
Like clearance-items-kinda low
Grow a spine. Stand up for yourself.
Be that man in a locked, glass casing at a store where women look at you and say to themselves "I wish I can afford that. Someday, when I have my stuff together, I'll be able to get that."
Until then, you stay locked in a damn glass casing and you do not got on sale. PERIOD.
Only those who can afford you and give you what you want are the ones you should have in your life.
Snap out of this. Go lift some heavy weights. Go for a run, a drive, whatever you have to do to snap out of this.
You have to love yourself more than you love her.
Do you love yourself more?

It makes so much sense after reading this,
Thank you very much!
And also, yesterday night at the end of our conversation she asked me if Im mad at her but I didnt reply to that because I was really kinda disappointed (although I knew from the beggining that I wont get a clear answer from her) and Im not sure if at this point is the right time to tell her that Im hurt and to show that I still care.

[GLYC]

I remember I went on a date when I was 19, and a week or two later, she tried to friendzone me.
It caught me off guard (since I was clueless with dating), she texted me the night before with "We need to talk tomorrow "
Damn smiley faces.. At first I went with it because I didn't know what to do,

I think I was friendzoned for half a day. That was enough to say, screw this. Lol.
I mean, when you aren't living true to your intent, it just doesn't sit well. Your body is telling you what you need to do.
And it doesnt feel natural to do otherwise. It creates more pain.
I said I wasn't interested in just being text buddies anymore. She started apologizing and I just acknowledged it.
Same girl started messaging me off and on a month later saying how much she regretted it, and saying how attractive I was on my Facebook photos.

I probably could have gotten her on a date at that point had I known the signs that I know today, i was clueless at that time entirely though.
And i honestly just wasnt that interested anymore anyways. So thats the power of being clear with your intent and walking away.

I actually unintentionally did that several times growing up before I connected the dots and noticed some of those women were coming back.
I always just figured, "I'm not wanted here. I'm out, what else can I do?"

The problem in your case, is you hung around for far too long. Which will make it really hard for you to break any of the ideas she has of you having negative traits.

When you walk away confidently, and dont hang around to be continually disrespected, women will initially be like "okay" (sometimes even in that moment they lose it). But when time passes and she notices you aren't coming back, that's when it hits them. "Did I make the right decision? Maybe I was wrong about him"

Course, dont use this as a strategy to get her back. Sometimes they won't come back. Use it because it's what you need to do, regardless if she comes around. You do it because you value self respect, and you realize that if you give up your self respect, you will not only lose the woman anyways, but you will also lose yourself.
As a man, that's such a painful feeling,

I'm probably repeating like 99% of Greenemerald's post. But yay for contributing.

[greenemerald]

" Im not sure if at this point is the right time to tell her that Im hurt and to show that I still care."

I just told you from my first, very detailed post what you need to say if she asks you questions.
I also told you not to have ongoing conversations with her.
So as much as I would like to blame you for not understanding this, I will give the benefit of the doubt that perhaps, I am not explaining myself well enough.

So here it goes: UNLESS SHE WANTS TO START DATING YOU, YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT FEELINGS!

So NO! You don't say you are mad at her. That is giving her too much power.
The attitude you need to start using from now on is INDIFFERENCE.
I don't care if you have to fake it.
Just like when you meet a stranger kind of attitude. You are cordial. Not in pain and anguish.
You will not use the word HURT OR CARE.
As a low value person (in her eyes), you are not to utter negative words.
THIS MAKES YOU LOOK VERY WEAK.

The words you need to start using from now on are the POSITIVE WORDS.
Words like happy, glad, awesome, fun, good, great...
As in "I'm having a great day", "That was a fun event"...

Why? IT PROJECTS STRENGTH.
It's attractive when a man or a woman is positive.
Especially when she finds you so unattractive right now.
Using the words "hurt" and "care" is like you drinking poison right now.
You think it'll help, but it's going to damage you more in her eyes.

Those are words you only use when a woman loves you.
I don't care at all how much you love her.
You do not use those words on women who do not value you.
You will look even more pathetic!!
And if you don't listen and keep doing what you are doing, there will come a point where no advice in the world will ever work for you.

Make a choice: sink or swim?
If you wanna sink, keep doing what you're doing.
If you wanna swim, listen to the advice & actually follow it.
GLYC has also given you some great advice.

Again: you need to start looking attractive again. Not for her, but for your own sake.
You do that by using positive words. Would it feel odd? Yes. Initially, it will.
It may seem like you are faking it initially.
But that's how you train yourself.
It's like working out. It's not going to feel good initially. One might even quit because it's hard.
But you keep going despite of it being hard.
This builds resilience and character.
Sometimes, the right thing to do is the hardest thing to do.
But it's the right thing to do nonetheless!

Keep in mind: I am not giving you this advice to get her.
I am giving you this advice so you can start being the kind of man that women want.
If it gets her back, good.
If it doesn't, good. It wasn't meant to be for her anyway, but for the next girl.

On a side note: If a man jerks you around, would you be hurt or be mad?
If mad, then that should be the same attitude you need to have with her.
I am not advocating hatred here. But there is something about anger that is actually positive when it comes to relationships where disrespect is present.
Anger keeps you from being jerked around again and again.
And when I say anger, I am not talking about lashing out and acting crazy.
I am talking about the silent one.
The one that's inside you where no one can see and says "How dare you jerk me around like this? Never again"
Use it to get over her. There will come a time when you are no longer angry because you no longer care.

[pcmaster]

Still man theres a chance she will come back. When things with another guy dont work out she might realize that you always liked her and are kinda ok and because of being tired of all the drama she might want to go after a nice guy like you. If you wait like for 20 years then sure she will give you a chance after going thru the dick carousel and losing all her natural beauty and being tired from bad guys and drama girls finally go for nice guys.

So yeah man dont lose hope but be busy with your own thing meanwhile.

[johnperes]

I can understand your situation because it's very difficult to know in depth about girls. Try to give her some space and let her realise your absence. By doing so, you will get to know how much she miss you and whether she want to be with you or not. If you got positive response then organise a surprise date or anything else which she may like the most. I hope this suggestion works for you

[AT95]

I can understand your situation because it's very difficult to know in depth about girls. Try to give her some space and let her realise your absence. By doing so, you will get to know how much she miss you and whether she want to be with you or not. If you got positive response then organise a surprise date or anything else which she may like the most. I hope this suggestion works for you

Our friendship is probably about to end anyway in the next couple of weeks due to some circumstances
(yeah I know that I'm a huge idiot to even care knowing it wont change anything now) I mean, we can still stay in touch but f....
I'll give it a week and if I'll see that nothing change I'm completely out, never thought that I will ever get to that point with her :/
Thanks everyone for all your advices you helped me alot! I appreciate it

[pcmaster]

Just forgot to tell you - dont text her. And if you plan on not keeping contact then block her too. Cause if she texts you after few months then it will make you think about her a lot and that just makes moving on much longer than it should be. Talking about emotional hygiene here.

[Snow White]

First, I would like to say that I think you were very brave to share your feelings with this woman. Most people could not take that chance and would continue to play little games. greenemerald made a very good point about this woman using you when she needs you. Women can be like that. We don't want to hurt your feelings, but we enjoy the attention from a man we know we don't have to have sex with to get it.

If you have more than "friend" feelings for this woman, I don't think it's in your best interest to try to stay just friends with her. I don't think you are a "low value person." "Listen, there's no way you can ever be my lover. Grosses me out to even think that. Besides, you are already too in love with me even though I treat you like crap. You are acting like a doormat woman. I don't want to be with a woman." I think this is very harsh and if that is how a woman feels toward you for being honest and kind, then she is the one with a problem, not you. She does not deserve your sensitivity, but there is someone out there who does.

It is women with emotional problems who discourage sensitive men like you. But being sensitive does not mean being blind to being taken advantage of. You want to invest your feelings in someone who can return them to you, don't you? I promise you there is a woman out there who will appreciate you exactly the way you are.

[AT95]

Just forgot to tell you - dont text her. And if you plan on not keeping contact then block her too. Cause if she texts you after few months then it will make you think about her a lot and that just makes moving on much longer than it should be. Talking about emotional hygiene here.

It will make me look like a complete idiot if I ignore her while we are at work but be the first one to call/message.
Its not like I did something wrong that I have to apolegize about.
And also, a night before I told her exactly what bothers me but it doesnt look like she even care if we will be friends or not.
So,for now I'm not planning to do any of these until she will make the first move (kinda giving the ball in her hands).
I really like being her friend and Im still not sure that Im doing the right thing but Im also really tired.
About blocking her -
I dont want to think about it too much until I'll see the bigger picture
(I also dont think its a mature thing to do but only time will tell..) thanks

First, I would like to say that I think you were very brave to share your feelings with this woman. Most people could not take that chance and would continue to play little games. greenemerald made a very good point about this woman using you when she needs you. Women can be like that. We don't want to hurt your feelings, but we enjoy the attention from a man we know we don't have to have sex with to get it.

If you have more than "friend" feelings for this woman, I don't think it's in your best interest to try to stay just friends with her. I don't think you are a "low value person." "Listen, there's no way you can ever be my lover. Grosses me out to even think that. Besides, you are already too in love with me even though I treat you like crap. You are acting like a doormat woman. I don't want to be with a woman." I think this is very harsh and if that is how a woman feels toward you for being honest and kind, then she is the one with a problem, not you. She does not deserve your sensitivity, but there is someone out there who does.

It is women with emotional problems who discourage sensitive men like you. But being sensitive does not mean being blind to being taken advantage of. You want to invest your feelings in someone who can return them to you, don't you? I promise you there is a woman out there who will appreciate you exactly the way you are.

It wasnt really my choice,its something I had to do.
I mean, before I told her about my feelings whenever we we're alone
I had alot of moments in which she was sitting right next to me and I was just staring at the ceilings like an idiot
and when she asked me whats wrong I didnt really know what to say (because I was afraid)
but eventually my friend (who I thank alot) pushed me to talk to her and things happend.
So yeah,kinda proud of myself haha and thank you too.

[pcmaster]

Damn I feel sorry for you man. All these "I love you" and she didnt even let you to kiss her.

But I can tell you from my own experience - even after years of failure miracles do happen and you never know when you will get lucky.

So be ready man cause things comes unexpected. Better stay fit so you can use your potential when opportunity strikes.

[GLYC]

Snow- while I think you're a kind and caring person, I disagree with some of your comments.

"It is women with emotional problems who discourage sensitive men like you."
Not true, women do not have the problem. Women are attracted to masculine qualities. Men are not traditionally sensitive. Would you be with a man that cried more than you? No. Men are supposed to be a woman's source of emotional strength and someone that they can go to to reassure them that everything is okay, they're a mountain, and nothing moves them. Think about how little girls cry and how their father reacts.

And It's okay for a man to express himself emotionally at times, but he should be a centered person. Im not saying men should be cold fish. But, sensitivity is not to be confused with empathy and understanding. A man should be aware of what others are feeling and how his actions affect others, especially his woman.

I remember when I was younger, and I failed at some of this stuff. Initially a woman would be like, he's so sweet and sensitive. But overtime? Huge turnoff. I drove those women into the arms of stronger more masculine men.

AT- Asking her out an initial time was proper, as that makes your intent clear. Always make your intent clear as soon as possible.
However, Confessing your love, not so much.

[greenemerald]

Snow, I also disagree (respectfully) with some of your comments. Especially the comment where you had quoted what I had said.

I agree with GLYC. Men and women gravitate toward each other due to the polarity. Meaning, men act like men and women act like women.

If a man cries more than a woman, that's a turn-off for us. Why? We tend to not like men who exhibit feminine traits.

If a woman is more aggressive and take-charge than a man, that's a turn off for men. Why? Men tend to not like women who exhibit masculine traits.

I am not saying that a man should not be sensitive. He should be. But only if that sensitivity is reciprocated.

If a man continues to be sensitive despite being jerked around, the woman just loses respect for that.

Is my comment harsh? Some may say so. But this is a harsh world.

There are some people out there who have no conscience and have no problem jerking people around.

Women like her ruin it for other women...good women.

And I must speak the truth about what some of these women are thinking when they jerk guys around.

My comment was not intended to be harsh. It was intended to speak the truth. And sometimes, truth hurts.

But I think we all can agree that there are women out there who take advantage of men's kindness.

And I feel compelled as a woman to give men the insight as to what these women are thinking.

On a side note: SOME women think they want a man who is very sensitive, loves to watch chick flicks, likes it when he cries, etc.....until they get that ALL THE TIME, DAY IN AND DAY OUT, then they realize, they really don't want that. These are the same women who end up calling him clingy, needy, and dump him for a masculine and more centered man.

[AT95]

Snow- while I think you're a kind and caring person, I disagree with some of your comments.

"It is women with emotional problems who discourage sensitive men like you."
Not true, women do not have the problem. Women are attracted to masculine qualities. Men are not traditionally sensitive. Would you be with a man that cried more than you? No. Men are supposed to be a woman's source of emotional strength and someone that they can go to to reassure them that everything is okay, they're a mountain, and nothing moves them. Think about how little girls cry and how their father reacts.

And It's okay for a man to express himself emotionally at times, but he should be a centered person. Im not saying men should be cold fish. But, sensitivity is not to be confused with empathy and understanding. A man should be aware of what others are feeling and how his actions affect others, especially his woman.

I remember when I was younger, and I failed at some of this stuff. Initially a woman would be like, he's so sweet and sensitive. But overtime? Huge turnoff. I drove those women into the arms of stronger more masculine men.

AT- Asking her out an initial time was proper, as that makes your intent clear. Always make your intent clear as soon as possible.
However, Confessing your love, not so much.

"Men are supposed to be a woman's source of emotional strength and someone that they can go to to reassure them that everything is okay, they're a mountain, and nothing moves them" -

But its two different things when your in an actual realationship with a girl (doesnt metter whether she is your wife/girlfriend)
and when your in my situation when you like her more than anything and really try to do your best to please her
and all of sudden she starts to ghost you and treat you like your a complete stranger.
maybe thats my fault that after all this I'm still trying to be her friend instead of moving on but thats why I opened this thread.
I'm not that sensitive as you think but Im also not made of stone