Reading your story made me feel like I was tricked and conned. He showed you everything you wanted, gave you what you desired, told you to take it easy and move to the country to have a more relaxed life riding horses and such than the city life and your city job and when you do move with him...it honestly sounded like you realized it was a con. Everything is backwards. You don't have what you were promised, your desires are not just ignored, but crapped on, your life is doing chores for him and everyone else. You're his mother now.
We're never taught how to be loved, how to know what really is love and how to get out of a destructive relationship. We're beyond the first two and at the final one here. You've tried to talk to him and he's mocked you as you were on your hands and knees crying. You did your part there. I know it was said to not "threaten" him with the relationship being broken, but you standing up for your life is more important than his feelings of being "threatened." That card of feeling threatened when someone speaks the truth is another con that's used to manipulate and control someone.
Be curious about why you won't leave this moment. Kids, how do you get your own place again, he tells me he loves me still, I shouldn't get a divorce because xyz reasons, I'll hurt his feelings, I'll be a wreck etc. Then think about what is currently happening in your relationship, what you've shared with us and all the other things unshared. Think of that relationship continuing over time the way it is, for there are no reasons for it to change with his current actions. Spending as much time away from your relationship (getting that job) won't fix it, you're right, it will just buy you some extended sanity. Even worse, that's an action that is futile towards yourself and your desires and "hoping" that this futile action will magically fix the problem when it won't. That's a tricky way us humans destroy our emotions, by wishing something to be and setting ourselves up for that to not happen. Yea, some good can come after all that pain of having your hope crushed, but you don't have to suffer every possible ounce of your soul to justify helping yourself. Lastly, See if all these reasons are really constructive for your life.
Ask him to go with you to get professional help since he has shown, in action, he doesn't give a shit. I've found in my practice that surface words mean so little in these situations. If he won't get professional help with you, you may have to manage yourself and tolerate the idea of leaving him and the life you shared with us here. A spouse isn't a mother or a maid to their partner.
I keep coming back to the feeling of being tricked. All the feelings you have, feel them, even the ones that feel untolerable, and use them to fuel constructive action in your life instead of bottling them up for the "sake" of a relationship that is partially illusionary (you can see these parts when he says one thing and does the opposite) and seemingly destructive. And get as much support as you can. From here if you've found the community helpful, from professionals, from friends, all those who are there to help you regardless of what you Need to do.
This is traditionally "improper" from a Psychotherapist to say, but there are relationships that shouldn't continue, or a more modern way of saying it, have completed their time. Even in bad relationships, there was some good, even an inkling, but it doesn't mean you have to stay after the relationship has become destructive and you've tried enough to mend it. You don't owe the relationship or the other person, a life sentence.
I hope I've been helpful and let me know if I misunderstood anything or could say something clearer or fuller.
Edit: Added info and corrected grammar.
Last edited by Shoukon; 16-08-17 at 01:39 PM.
Psychoanalytical Psychotherapist: Online and In Office Psychotherapy Sessions.