Is my boyfriend displaying selfish behavior?

[NinaDreams]

Hello. I've posted on here before about different concerns and have gotten some helpful advice.

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years, with a 5 month break last summer. We've been back together over a year now.

He lives around 20-30 minutes away from me, depending on traffic, in a rented Townhome that isn't anything special, and is rather outdated and cramped but it makes him happy. It is in one of the more desirable sections of our city, and he seems to thoroughly enjoy living there.

I own my own condo that is in a less desirable neighborhood. It's also small, but it's a decent, clean little place.

In his desirable little neighborhood, we can walk to many more restaurants, stores, bars, etc. Where I live, we can't do that.

I guess it's always been because of that (and my cat which he claims to be allergic to but can highly control the allergy by taking a pill), that we have gravitated towards staying at his place during our nights together as opposed to my own.

After being back together for a year, and driving to his house three nights a week, I'm growing tired. I will go to work, drive 30 minutes home, feed my cat, pack myself a bag, and then drive to his house.

All of it had broken me down this summer to a point where I had a discussion with him and told him I can no longer leave my cat 3 nights a week, it's not being a responsible pet owner in doing so, and that he really had to start coming to me one night a week instead because all I do is run and I'm tired.

He was open about this and started coming to my house on Friday nights which wasn't totally solving the issue but it was helping. He unfortunately sustained a bad ankle injury which resulted in a boot and driving to be a challenge.

Because of this, I started taking care of him and started again driving to his house on Friday nights.

I would do his laundry, because laundry required stairs. I would bring him supplies, spending my money. I would run errands for him. I would clean for him. He didn't really ask me to do much of this, but I felt so bad about his injury and how depressed over it he was, I felt compelled to take care of him and try to make things easier on him. I ended up really burning myself into the ground, on the verge of a stress meltdown.

He is healing now and able to take care of himself, and has resumed driving to my house on Fridays. However, I'm feeling resentful because while he casually thanked me, I never felt any genuine gratitude: not a nice dinner, not flowers, or even, didn't sit me down and tell me how special it was or meaningful that I helped him and took care of him and did so much for him. I'm not trying to sound superficial or as though I did everything I did for a material reward. I just truly felt/feel as though it was not appreciated and that my care and sacrifice was taken for granted.

On top of that, now that it is football season, I'm getting put into the backseat of his life. Sundays are spent watching NFL games and Saturday nights are spent going to college games if he has tickets. I'm blatantly ignored if anything football related is on because he's glued to his phone watching the scores. I've been doing my own thing while he engages in this, and not sitting around sulking about it, but I have started to reflect and feel like a girlfriend of convenience rather than a serious girlfriend going into something serious and long term. Not to mention, while I get that a lot of men really get into football, I feel almost like it's a maturity issue that he can't be bothered during 75% of the weekend to do anything but watch games.

I was hoping that he might propose us living together, and getting a new place of our own to start building a more serious relationship and eliminate the stress of running to one another's houses but nothing.

His mom recently mentioned to both of us that she would love to see us get a nice big house together. He responded with "But I LOVE my apartment!"

I'm starting to lose hope that he's ever going to take us seriously or start appreciating what I am investing in this relationship. He's 44 years old and I think he's acting like a bit of a man baby.

Am I being too hard on him?

[TheEvilJester]

Are you being too hard on him? Honestly.... that's not a question I feel like we can necessarily answer. Because, I have to be honest.... my gut reaction in this case is to agree with you. He's 44, you guys have been together for nearly two years (minus your break you mentioned) and yet there is still no talk of maybe taking things more seriously? He knows how much of a burden it has been really for both of you going back and forth. Wouldn't it be so much easier if you two just got a place together. Heck, if he loves his apartment so much, couldn't that place BE his apartment?

I also can't stand people who treat sports as being THAT important. Don't get me wrong. It is fine to enjoy sports. A lot of people do. But not to treat it like it is the number one priority over everybody and everything else. ....But in fairness, I F'ing HATE sports, so I may not be the best person to ask about that. LOL!

So, my gut reaction is that I agree with you......

But here's the thing...

Guys are different. Sometimes they aren't as open with their emotions. So, while I also agree with you that he SHOULD have showed some sincere gratitude to you for all you did... he SHOULD have done something special for you, etc. .... That sort of stuff just doesn't occur to some guys. And it isn't necessarily always because they don't care.... sometimes they are just seriously clueless to that kind of thing. He maybe just thought he'd do the exact same thing for you and wouldn't expect a thank you or anything like that. So, it is entirely possible he truly DID appreciate it, but just isn't one of those guys who thinks to express that.

Of course, it is also possible he does take your for granted and doesn't appreciate you in the way he should. It is possible he is entitled and spoiled and doesn't deserve you. I can't really know that since I am just some weirdo on the interwebs and don't actually know you two. I think if all of this bothers you enough, you should just try talking to him about it. As I always say, though, best to start off treating it like just a cordial discussion. In other words, treat the conversation as though you think you probably ARE over-reacting... but that you can't help but feel the way you feel. Don't approach it as though you actually ARE accusing him of any wrongdoing. And that isn't for HIM that you do that, because quite frankly I would be just as frustrated as you in the same situation. It is for YOU that you do that, because that gives you the better chance of having your feelings heard. Otherwise, some people will just feel attacked and will become overly defensive.

Good luck to you either way. Hopefully things work out for you well. Though, honestly, sometimes there is a time to consider whether a relationship is just more frustration than it is worth. Again, I can't really know that as I am not you, I am not him, and I do not read minds. However, based on some of the things I recall from your past stories, coupled with this new one.... I can't help but wonder if that is at least worth exploring. I hope everything works out for you for the best.... whether that winds up being with him or not.

[NinaDreams]

Thank you Jester. I ended up having a talk with him this weekend and feel at a bit of a crossroad.

I actually for the first time brought up his thoughts on living together. It wasn't prefaced with 'we need to have a talk' but rather, casually brought up while we were winding down for the evening.

I basically just told him I think about our future and I think about how much I would like to eventually get a place with him and start a life with him. I asked if he thought about the future as well and he said he did. He also said he can't see a future without me and that he's also not ready to move in together.

He said he's been burned in the past by jumping into these things too quickly ( he was previously engaged. It ended 4 years ago with her cheating on then subsequently dumping him) and that isn't something he's ready to do.

I told him that basically dating for 2 years is a far cry from jumping into things and that if he doesn't have the same desires as I do (Eventually moving in together and possibly marriage) then it's only fair to tell me now so I can figure out where that leaves me and us. I emphasized that I was not attempting to do this right NOW but it's something that is important for me to happen in a reasonable time frame: meaning I don't want to be waiting another 2 years to be moving in together or another 5 years to get married.

He told me that I was assuming that he didn't want the same things as me, and that while he does want the same things as me, he's moving at a slower pace than I am.

I was exhausted and at that time told him I thought it was time for bed for the evening. The following day, he was very overly affectionate, attentive and sweet.

I'm at a loss. It's almost like he's telling me to just keep waiting. But then...am I being strung along?

[TheEvilJester]

Again, sadly not an easy question to answer. It SOUNDS like he's being sincere. It SOUNDS like he truly does have the same goals, but maybe just is at a slower pace than you. The problem is, it could sound like that because it is 100% the truth..... or it could sound like that because he is just stringing you along.

I know that doesn't really help narrow it down. I am sorry I can't be more specific. It is just that it is hard to tell. Sure, two years is a long time... but it isn't necessarily long enough that I'd personally think it is definitely a problem. Especially if you two hadn't really talked much about it before. It may just be a conversation you need to have a few times. Again, try to do so as casually as you did. But, I think you want to ask him to be a little more specific. I mean, make it clear you are not intending to rush him into anything before he is ready. You know he may not necessarily have an EXACT time frame in mind. But, at least some idea of when he sees things moving forward.

I mean, the bottom line is he isn't necessarily WRONG if his time frame is slower than yours..... but neither are you for wanting it to be faster. It's just that it wouldn't be right of you to force him to move faster than he wants.... but it wouldn't be right of him either to make you wait longer than you feel is acceptable. So, I think getting a better idea of each other's ideal time frames could help. Maybe you two aren't so far off. Sometimes guys are just like that. They just want to let things flow naturally, but they get too complacent (without necessarily meaning to) and don't want to rock the boat, so to speak.

The discussions have started now, so that is at least a good first step. Good luck to you. In the end, all you can really do is share your feelings and hope that he has a time frame in mind that at least is reasonable to you.... and that he lives up to it. Because, even if it isn't his intention to just string you along.... if you are made to wait longer than you feel is right then he is stringing you along anyway, even if that isn't his intent. So, as always, just have a time frame in your own mind where, if things haven't progressed then you need to just move on.

I hope it doesn't have to come to that, but at least care about yourself enough to not let somebody hold you up for too long. Good luck.

[madotnw_nihs]

I always believed that timing is just as important as finding the "right" one. I have had many ex's that didn't work out do to timing. I experienced a similar relationship as you although mine my timeline was much more compressed. My ex wanted to move through the relationship at a blinding pace, and I rather take it just a tad slower. I am talking weeks not years in my case. At the end she decided to move on. We both now reminisce that if we took a little more time we may be married now.

Like Evil said, you guys have find the compromise time table and you also have to figure out what your bottom line is for his "slow-rolling". You don't want to throw him an ultimatum, but it could come to that.

[TheEvilJester]

Sorry to hear about that, madotnw. I don't know exactly the time frames involved with that past relationship of yours (how long you'd been together, how soon she was wanting to move forwards vs. how long you were) but if your differences in timing were so narrow, it is a shame she was THAT unwilling to bend that it caused the relationship to end. Sounds like her loss, though, if she was that unwilling to wait.

I would also agree that an ultimatum should be an absolute last resort, if even on the list at all. Personally, I rarely if ever think giving somebody an ultimatum is a good idea. It should never have to come to that. If/when it does, if you give the person an ultimatum, it is pretty much a lose/lose situation. If they acquiesce to what you want then who wins there? They agree, but bugrudingly, and often wind up resenting you for it. You get what you want.... but had to basically drag the person into it and you resent them for that. ...On the other hand, if you give them the ultimatum, so they instead choose to leave... well, then the relationship is over anyway.

So, my personal advice any time somebody reaches the point of an ultimatum tends to be it is really just much better to end it rather than issue any ultimatum. If they decide the threat of losing you is enough to make them change their mind, let that be their decision and they can come and try to get you back. Don't put the power in the court and let them decide whether you are enough. Better just to decide you care enough about yourself to stop wasting time.

Good luck, Nina.