Feelings for Housemate

[mike98]

Hey, so I've just finished my second year of uni and have lived with this girl, Eve, for the past two years and have gradually got more and more closer, flirting etc. Little signs over the last few months have escalated my thoughts that she may feel something for me: other housemates asking me what's going on between us, her sister making a comment about us being a couple. About 2 weeks ago our whole house were out at the club, and I drunkenly told her I liked her a lot which she said the same to me, and then I went to kiss her and ended up kissing her cheek and she said sorry and I went off. She tried to call me a couple of times but I ignored and we didn't speak about it but carried on as normal for another week.

This last Friday she brought it up whilst we were at a bar and basically said she was crying after it thinking I wouldn't talk to her and that if she didn't have me she would be broken. She said she just sees me as a friend and doesn't want to ruin our third year living together and the house dynamics, but said maybe something could happen at the end/after uni but that she doesn't want a relationship with anyone right now as she's not in the right headspace. She mentioned not being surprised it happened and that her mum and sisters would always ask her what was happening with us. I had been on a couple of dates with a girl back home and someone must have told Eve as she mentioned this to me and said don't wait around for me, I said I would hold out for her. When we later got home we spoke about it more and she said she wanted to make it clear she just wants to be friends and that's about where things were left as we've all gone home for the summer and I won't see her for another 3 months.

So, I'm still left a little confused as to whether she likes me but doesn't want to ruin things whilst we're still housemates/at uni, or if she just sees me as a friend and that's it? Thanks.

[TheEvilJester]

Honestly, probably 999 times out of 1,000 when somebody gives the "I just want to be friends" speech it never changes. When they say things like "I just don't want to date ANYBODY right now" it usually is just their way of trying to reject you without hurting your feelings. That doesn't mean it NEVER works out after all, it is just more often than not it does not.

So, I think my personal advice would be you should proceed ASSUMING that she is not interested in you, and assuming that will never change. Then, however you would proceed if that were the case is how you proceed. In other words, if you feel you actually could remain friends with her and yet still be open to finding love elsewhere, then maybe you can do that. You never know. Maybe in time she actually WOULD be ready for a relationship and even could be interested in you. But, at least that way you don't waste time waiting around for her just hoping she'll change her mind. Which brings me to the other side of the coin....

If you feel like remaining friends with her would make it too hard for you not to just want it to be more, then you may be better off limiting your contact as much as you can. You mentioned you live in the same living situation. Would that be easy enough to change? Because it would be better, (IF this is the case) for you not to constantly be so close to her.

Bottom line, though, you should never put your life on hold waiting on something that may never happen. If she changes her mind in time, she was likely to do that whether you waited around for her or not. If she eventually did change her mind and you were also still open to it, great. If she eventually changed her mind but by then you'd found somebody else... well then that is her loss. But the longer you wait around for her just hoping she changes her mind, the more time you waste that you could have been finding somebody else. Believe me, I know it can be hard to do that sometimes. When you like somebody you really want it to become something more and it can be hard to let that go.

But that is exactly why sometimes it is better just to make a clean break. Just proceed as though you assume nothing will ever change. That way if it never does, you are able to move on so much sooner. If it actually DOES change, then you can always deal with that if/when it happens. Good luck to you!

[smackie09]

You are totally friend zoned. nothing to be confused about.

[mike98]

Honestly, probably 999 times out of 1,000 when somebody gives the "I just want to be friends" speech it never changes. When they say things like "I just don't want to date ANYBODY right now" it usually is just their way of trying to reject you without hurting your feelings. That doesn't mean it NEVER works out after all, it is just more often than not it does not.

So, I think my personal advice would be you should proceed ASSUMING that she is not interested in you, and assuming that will never change. Then, however you would proceed if that were the case is how you proceed. In other words, if you feel you actually could remain friends with her and yet still be open to finding love elsewhere, then maybe you can do that. You never know. Maybe in time she actually WOULD be ready for a relationship and even could be interested in you. But, at least that way you don't waste time waiting around for her just hoping she'll change her mind. Which brings me to the other side of the coin....

If you feel like remaining friends with her would make it too hard for you not to just want it to be more, then you may be better off limiting your contact as much as you can. You mentioned you live in the same living situation. Would that be easy enough to change? Because it would be better, (IF this is the case) for you not to constantly be so close to her.

Bottom line, though, you should never put your life on hold waiting on something that may never happen. If she changes her mind in time, she was likely to do that whether you waited around for her or not. If she eventually did change her mind and you were also still open to it, great. If she eventually changed her mind but by then you'd found somebody else... well then that is her loss. But the longer you wait around for her just hoping she changes her mind, the more time you waste that you could have been finding somebody else. Believe me, I know it can be hard to do that sometimes. When you like somebody you really want it to become something more and it can be hard to let that go.

But that is exactly why sometimes it is better just to make a clean break. Just proceed as though you assume nothing will ever change. That way if it never does, you are able to move on so much sooner. If it actually DOES change, then you can always deal with that if/when it happens. Good luck to you!

Thanks for the feedback! I will be living with her for my last year of uni, and I'm sure we can go back to how we were. Whether it's still as close and flirty as before remains to be seen. I'm not going to set my heart on her deciding she wants to pursue things by the end of the year and will just enjoy my summer and put those things behind. I'm not in a position where I want a relationship either whilst at uni and should have made clear that I stressed to her I didn't want to change house dynamics either and was more suggesting about a potential for us once we're finished which she did agree to possibly happening as well as saying she just wants to be friends as it stands.

[Hooo!]

If you want to attract Her then do it

You are asking the wrong questions