My Fiance/Exwife have been together off and on, off and on, and again for almost 6 years now. At this point I know no matter what happends we're always going to be at least friends. BTW I'm 28 and she's 24.
Well we were talking about Wedding rings again today, and somehow wound up talking about breaking up in which we did. Not that it's going to change anything though....
The whole total commitment thing is somehow beyond us. I know she's the one for me, and vise versa. But like I said in my other post, (in the dating forum), that I knew I was in this for the long haul. Her family and her friends think I'm a creep and I'm an outsider in their world and I know that I will never be able to change that. My girl never even bothers to defend me to these people so they actually don't know the whole story. Read my last post for more info.
Well today I actually think might be the last goodbye. I keep asking her, why do you keep me around? She believes in me more than anyone else, but I feel that I'm keeping her down. I'm not a Christian, and that is a huge issue with her, and she wants to continue with her quest to come closer to her faith. I thinks that's a great thing for her, I just don't really know how to share it. And if I went to church with her as often as she did, I know these people would like me and would see me as the person I am.
We have split up so many times on this very issue, as I try to continue to understand why is it she isn't with a "Nice Christian guy"? (Can this be a rescue complex?) Yeah I'm the father of our beautiful 2 year old girl, but she fears her parents lose of approval and what not. I just don't see why she really wants me around. No one ever in my life has been so good to me, and with the guilt issues I have had all my life, I find it hard to handle. I feel like a freeloader or something.
Well, the day ended with her crying, and me holding her, and telling her that everything will be fine. I keep telling her, her faith will keep her strong, and what not, and that makes it so much harder that it actually is.
We are the best of friend first and foremost, but what makes it so hard is that we both believe that we are soulmates. No one I have ever known has ever wanted to be that close to me.
Honestly, I see no end to this cycle of crazyness as I feel that in my heart that, no one could ever care for me like she does, even though I know it will.
Like all idiots, I keep holding on to a dead relationship as it were solid gold, thinking one day things will lighten up, and we'll be together. The thing was, I knew this when I signed up for the hole deal.
I just need some support, and maybe some advice. Althought I am sure what I would say if I heard this from someone else. It doesn't make it any easyer. To be honest I don't think this is the end....and I may be dragging a dead issue not into the ground, but under it.
I'd just rather go out in a blaze of glory, in a arguement to break all arguements, to give me the emotional strength to say ok....let go now.
Thanx