Brokenhearted: need insight/advice PLEASE

[Destiny'sHope]

Jason and I were the epitome of happiness for 3 years. We always thought of ourselves as true soul mates, compatible in every way. We share one soul, and can speak for hours on end. We first found each other on an internet pen pal/dating site. We began to correspond through emails and phone. When we first contacted each other, I made the biggest mistake of my life. I told him I was the same age as him, which was 33. I was 12 years older. I look much younger, and have more in common with Jason than any other woman ever has. I know this was a terrible mistake in not telling him my actual age, but I honestly felt I had so much more in common with him than men my own age. I guess in the beginning I didn’t think to tell him my actual age, because I didn’t think it would have progressed into something serious, because of the distance of 600 miles between us.

We became closer with every passing day. We’d spend hours talking, sharing everything. Loving and laughing. I knew I had to tell him my correct age as soon as possible. And I had it set in my mind to do this upon our first “in person” meeting. I needed to look into his eyes, and then I could do it. As time went by, and we spoke of our plans for the future, and meeting, etc, I knew there was no turning back. I loved him so much, as he did me. He told me he couldn’t survive without me, and I felt the same. So while we planned for our first meeting, things kept happening to delay it. My brother was diagnosed with a terminal illness, and during this time, my dad needed my help. So that delayed things for quite a while. Eventually, the big day came for our long awaited in person meeting. It had been 2 and a half years since we began to correspond - but it would be worth the wait.

I knew I had to tell him the truth about my age when I saw him. I also knew I should have told him ages ago, and there was no excuse for me not doing so….other than fear. I never knew such an all-encompassing love before. And he had so many wonderful plans for us to be together for always. It was such a perfect depiction of a beautiful long life together. And in being so clouded by my love, I couldn’t even think logically. I made the biggest misjudgment in my life by not telling him at the start. But things progressed so fast. I was so afraid of losing what we had. I was always completely open and honest about everything with him - but why couldn’t I tell him my age??? I feel absolutely TERRIBLE about myself now, and even though I couldn't see what the results of my consequences were at the time (love can cloud your senses to the point of irrational) I'd give my right arm, if only I could go back and change what happened, and had been truthful about my age from the very beginning. I love him more than words can say, and would rather hurt myself over and over than to cause him one moment of pain.

The day finally arrived, and we shared the most beautiful weekend imaginable. It was like a dream. We both were never happier. I knew before I left for home , I needed to tell him my secret. I was set to tell him, but that’s when the bottom dropped out. You see, I met his parents, and unbeknownst to me his overprotective and controlling mother was discussing her thoughts on me with him, behind my back. I later learned (from Jason himself) that his mom said to him that I look older than he does, and was he sure I was telling him my correct age. I had no clue she was secretly persisting in this issue. Jason, being close to his mom, was pushed into doing something at her suggestion. He said he did this just to prove to her she was wrong, and so she’d drop it once and for all. So what did he do? He searched through my purse, and found my ID on my driver’s licence. And that was how he learned my true age. I feel he should have confronted me with his suspicions, rather than listen to his mom and search my things. We both made big mistakes.

He didn’t confront me with this revelation of his, instead he kept up the pretense that all was normal. I sensed something was bothering him, as he seemed so detached now. He said he didn’t feel well. So for some reason, I didn’t get a chance, because he was feeling so poorly, and I put off telling him on my own. I figured I’d go home and tell him in two weeks when we got together again.

When I got home, he called me in tears, telling me all that happened and how he’d found out. Long story short, he was devastated. At first he felt I betrayed him for not telling him my age all that time, and there was a trust thing. After I explained why I couldn’t right away - out of fear of losing him - and how I planned to in person, he said he came to understand my reasons. He said he didn’t blame me. He told me loved me same as always and always would. HOWEVER, he also said, he realized we could never be as we were, and so he couldn’t remain in the romantic relationship with me now. Meanwhile, his mom sent me a ‘poison pen letter email saying how she’d never forgive me for the hurt I caused her son. That he couldn’t eat or sleep, he was so devasted, and he can’t stop crying, etc. She also had the audacity to butt her nose in saying that age DOES matter, and I should go to some ‘older person’s group’ to find someone else!! She went on to say he deserves a younger woman who’d give him children. She then said that the woman her son loved was now dead. Her email was so hateful…and hurtful. Jason sort of brushed it off, saying “:Ya have to know my mom, she’s way overprotective”…and the only thing he did in my defense, was tell her not to interfere in his situation. I was livid at his mom’s nerve and interference, yet I didn’t reply to her, and I eventually dropped it.

Jason was devastated and at the lowest point of his life. I felt totally responsible, and it was killing me to know that I caused the man I love more than life itself an ounce of pain. I feel absolutely TERRIBLE about myself now, and even though I couldn't see what the results of my consequences were at the time (love can cloud your senses to the point of irrational) I'd give my right arm, if only I could go back and change what happened, and had been truthful about my age from the very beginning. I love him more than words can say, and would rather hurt myself over and over than to cause him one moment of pain.

Jason called me the next day in tears, saying he couldn’t ever imagine losing me from his life. He told me he would always love me, the feelings in his heart had never changed. But his logic told him it wouldn’t work. So basically he decided we needed to remain in each other’s lives, and still speak daily, and be close as ever. Because our connection has always been so incredibly strong, I too knew I couldn’t imagine life without him.

We speak every day. We joke, we laugh, we share our lives…we reminisce about our beautiful weekend together. He gives me every indication that he thinks of that often. And everything remains the same, except for one thing…we are no longer a romantic couple obviously. And he’s free to move on (although so far he hasn’t met anyone else, he says he doesn’t feel he ever will) and I’m in the same boat.

While it’s painful to simply be ‘close friends with a deep connection’, it would be unthinkable for both of us to sever our ties. It’s been all good…except for this longing for him which won’t die. I guess I can’t understand this: if he says his heart has not changed, and he still loves me, why then does he not want to be with me, why can’t we build some kind of future together? I feel inadequate, like I was not good enough for him, because of age…as his mom seems to think. Although he’s reassured me that I am “way good enough” (his words) and that it was never a question of that, but simply that he feels the age difference would be insurmountable, I still feel inadequate. I know I made the worst mistake by not telling him my age - and it cost me. I just can’t understand why, if he still loves me as always, in his mind it’s “not black and white’, and things are changed forever. If his heart still feels that special love as he claims, why won’t he want to give us a try? Being afraid to open yourself to vulnerability or build walls, (as he is doing) is no way to live. And while I’m thankful he’s remained a close part of my life, it still hurts and feels so strange to suddenly be his ‘ close friend/soul mate with no romantic intentions’. I'm unhappy most of the time. I know he is too.

He always admitted to me (long before our relationship ended) that he has a fear of his loved ones dying. For a while, I thought maybe because of our age differences he imagined the scenario of me being older down the road, and he couldn't face me going before him in the future. (?) I just can't comprehend why if he loves me as he says, won't he at least give it a TRY, and see if we could possibly work things out, rather than throw his hands up, and say "It's final". Life's too short to have regrets later, right? But then my mind also tells me, even if he is still in love with me, perhaps love is sometimes not enough. I'm so confused.

*As a footnote, last night we spoke for 90 minutes on the phone. Nothing's chancged, but just to give you more perspective as to how we connect, and how he feels: We were joking, singing, laughing, he still calls me pet names, etc. And he tells me "This evening was fun. I love you...I hope you know that". As you can imagine, my confusion is constant. He's still my best friend in the world.

I've already been raked over the coals for the terribly misguided mistake I made, by others I've confided in, and I appreciate and respect everyone's thoughts. If I could do it over, I would in a heartbeat. Unfortunately I can't. But what I could use right now, is a non judgmental way of sorting through this, so if you can offer something helpful/constructive, in the way of advice/insight, I would appreciate that a lot. Thanks in advance.

[Gigabitch]

Oh, honey, this is sad. A little seed grew into a big weed. Quit beating yourself up about it, now. If you won't let it go, how can he?

I think you're both letting something stupid get in the way. This isn't insurmountable. You have some problems that might be, though:

1. 600 miles is a long way. Really long. Too long.
2. If Jason, at 33, is still as tied to his mother's apron strings as you describe, you have a serious problem, there.

Is there any possibility that Jason might cut the unbilical cord & move closer to you? Forget you moving closer to him, because that would move you closer to her, and that's not what we want.

If you two are permanently 600 miles apart, there's no point in pursuing this anyway.

[Ellynn]

Giga is right, he sounds too attached to his mom. He is an adult, if he wanted to date you regardless of your age, he should be able to. But, I can understand how he doesn't trust you. I know it was a mistake withholding your age from him, but you should have told him right away, or at least when you guys met.

I think he is beyond that now, and hes just afraid what he mom would think if he did end up with you. Its sad because I have seen alot of couples of different ages work it out. One of my coworkers is 52 and her bf is 37. They are completely happy together. They even plan on marrying. Kids are not an issue mainly because he had a daughter from a previous relationship, and she had two sons from her previous marriage. She does not even act 52, she acts like shes 35 and looks really good for her age. The main thing though is that they are happy.


If Jason does want children, like his mom claims, then that definately might be an issue for you guys and why it probably wouldn't work out. It also depends on how you feel about children. You would kinda have to rush into things before you ran out of time.

All i can say is hope that things will work themselves out, even if it means you two aren't together. Maybe he could move closer.

[determinedguy]

Honey, I met my wife online and she told me lies and made-up stories throughout our entire relationship of 6 years (see my post hurtslikehell) and i still forgave her every time. If he can't forgive you that tiny insignificant thing, then maybe you're better off without him because his standards are way too high. Maybe every mistake you made, he'd go off on you and make you feel worthless. I know this is no consolation, but at least it's ended before you got in too deep. But if you really must try to work it out, then find out what exactly it is about the age thing that he's afraid of and try to chase away his fears and reassure him. BTW, I know what you mean about the mother thing, my wife is Mommy's Little Pet and will "Yes, ma, no ma" constantly, never disagreeing with her mom and lying to her, telling her what she thinks her mom wants to hear. Sadly, I always came after mommy with my wife . I actually almost always came last.
Good luck, hun.

[determinedguy]

Hi again. Please excuse my first post, I guess you were in deeper than I thought. I think focusing on yourself is an absolute necessity, and it's gonna hurt like hell and be soooo hard to do, but it does get easier with time. Never forget to love yourself, and learn to forgive yourself for mistakes. You didn't set out to hurt anyone- that's obvious. I'm hope you're doing better, and please don't be afraid to get counseling if you need it.
-DeterminedGuy

[vashti]

Sorry, but as a mother AND a woman who is married to a significantly older man, I have to say that age DOES matter, and I am friendly with two other women who are married to men of different ages, and they agree that the age difference plays a bigger role than they initially expected.

Of course a 33 year old man is thinking about the possibility of building a family, and of course his mother is looking forward to that. Sadly, a 45 year old woman is unlikely to be able to do this with him.

Also, I think most mothers who knew a woman was lying to their son about something so important would have done the same thing (minus the direct contact with you). Just because our children grow up doesn't mean we stop wanting what is best for them, although granted, what is "best" is entirely subjective.

You sound like a nice woman, and I am sorry things didn't work out for you. However, I don't think maintaining regular contact with him is in your best interest, unless you enjoy rubbing salt into the wound.

[determinedguy]

Sorry, but as a mother AND a woman who is married to a significantly older man, I have to say that age DOES matter

Vashti, I think a person's maturity is the defining factor, not the actual age. We all mature at a different pace. My dad is in his 50's, and is still immature in many ways to my eyes. My brother-in-law is 18, and he is probably more mature than I have been forced to become. His mom should not have a say in this. It's his decision to decide if and when he wants children and 45 years old is not ancient and is still capable of giving him kids but that doesn't sound like that that's the main factor. It sounds to me like his mom has too much influence over him (like my wife) and she's probably right about his fears of people dying on him may make him balk at the chance to continue things with her.
-DG

[vashti]

You know, I hate to point out the obvious, but you are only hearing one side of this story. I am guessing this guys mother took one look at this woman, knew she wasn't 33, and simply told her son what was in fact, the truth. I can't imagine a woman her age actually suggesting her son go sneaking around in this woman's wallet. For all we know, he came up with that bit on his own. Likewise, I am not convinced she plotted to break the two of them up. Again, you are only getting one side of the story.