Not saying "I love you"

[Charlie Boy II]

Things are going great for me and my girlfriend at the moment, on pretty much every level. In a couple of weeks we're going on a two week roadtrip up and down the entire north coast of Australia. It's a surfing trip and I was originally going to do it solo, but she wants to come and I want her to come so there you go. Anyway my point is we're pretty close.

The thing is we don't tell each other i "love you". Which I'm glad about, because I don't feel like I could say it and really mean it. I don't think she could either. She's a lot like me in many ways, and neither of us are that emotional.

Anyway my point is, we've been going out for six months, we've developed a lot, but I can't see us ever being "in love", by which I mean thinking about a life together, feeling not whole without the other one etc, etc. In any case, I'm going overseas indefinitely in about four months, there's an unspoken agreement (I think) that we'll end it when I do.

In your learned opinions is there anything wrong with this situation? I must confess to feeling a bit guilty when I think about it like this, but I can't put my finger on why.....

[anachronistic]

There's nothing wrong with the situation if you're [both] happy with it. You obviously have a doubt in your conscience about whether it is or not.

Does your girlfriend think about a life together with you? You should be communicating with her about this. If she is thinking about a life with you, you need to decide if

A.) that's right for you

B.) it's not right for you, but to continue staying with her, and secretly behind her back not want to spend the rest of your life with her

C.) it's not right for you, do the morally correct thing and be upfront and honest with her.

[Charlie Boy II]

haha nah there's no way she's thinking about a life together. I guess it just feels a bit weird to be going out this long without saying those three words.....

[vashti]

You don't sound weird to me. Why should you be saying something you aren't feeling? (Unless you suspect maybe you really DO love her and are too chicken to admit it to yourself.)

How old are you guys again?

[Steve2004]

i had an agreement with a boyfriend that once school was out and we were both moving away..we'd break up. I didn't think it was that strange..but everyone else did...and told us. But i figure you're just enjoying eachother's company before...you wont be able to anymore, i guess.

So no, i dont think it's weird.

[DoesntMatter]

This sounds like a very honest arrangement to me, even though it is apparently a tacit understanding. Maybe you are having these feelings because this agreement is unspoken?

[Charlie Boy II]

You don't sound weird to me. Why should you be saying something you aren't feeling? (Unless you suspect maybe you really DO love her and are too chicken to admit it to yourself.)

How old are you guys again?

I'm 24, she's 20.

It's just that I can't think of any other medium to long term couple I know that doesn't say it.

Also, I'm not her first boyfriend, but I'm the first guy that she's ever had serious feelings for. I guess a part of me feels like I'm just using her for sex and companionship until I go away and that I'll inevitably end up hurting her. Especially now that things are going so well (you might remember from my earlier thread that they weren't at the beginning.)

I probably shouldn't worry. She's young, but she's easily the most secure, self-assured girl I've ever dated. I've probably been conditioned by some of my past girlfriends, particularly one serious one who always seemed so vulnerable and in need of reassurance.

[bohemiandonut]

Funny, I'm in a very similar situation.

A little over the 6 months mark and man, let me tell you, never has the whole "I love you" thing been such an issue. I suppose she's only my second real "I love you" girlfriend but this time was a doozy. First it was "Why don't you ever tell me you love me?" - to which I responded with some bullshit like "Oh but I try to show you that I love you."

We had many conversations on the matter many of them ending with her saying "I love you" and me saying it back and then her saying "No you don't!" Hehe oh man I guess I kind of had to talk myself into it. However I think it's something that should be saved for first-time use in a delicate situation. The first time you say it SHE WILL be happy so might as well use it to get out of trouble.

Also I've found it much more elegant for the exchange to go like this:
"I love you" - her
"I love you" - you (or vice versa)

...rather than the clumsy "I love you too." But that's just me.

P.S. - This is the first "secure, self-assured girl I've ever dated" as well. Kind of a trip, eh? Also, maybe you're both using eachother for sex and companionship... would that be so bad? And hey you're lucky with going overseas. I have to work through two more years of college and as of now the girlfriend and I live on THE SAME STREET.

phew

[Glyph]

If it's something you're both enjoying, **** it. Don't let convention tell you what stage you "should" be at or what you "should" say. Do what you want to do, say what you feel like saying, have a good time.

[LostNotFound]

i think that you shouldn't let this thread decide for you. but i also think that you have a more best friend type relationship. the reason for your guiltyness is that your gona miss your best friend. i think when you get to the air port there'll be this dramatic kiss, and you'll tell her you'll be back in xyz number of weeks. lol

just kidding. if you're happy, you're happy? let the good times roll baby!

[zro]

well since its going to end in 4 months or something, whats the ****ing point of complicating things?? you are having fun right and there is no current problems, then why are you thinking like a ****ing female and trying to complicate things?? plus if you dont mean it, dont say it

[lovesjoyajm]

really gotta run and don't have time to read all the responses, but one of my best (girl) friends just had a 9-month or so relationship with a guy, and they both knew from the beginning that it couldn't go anywhere *really* serious because she was moving overseas after graduation. They never said "I love you" but I think it was probably one of the healthiest relationships she's ever been in. She said putting an "end date" on it (graduation) actually made it stronger... don't ask me how

[Junket]

I've skirted with the idea to use the words. Often during times of immense passion, but I let it pass.

I let go of the idea of feeling "in love" a few months ago, but the emotion has steadily increased in strength. I still wouldn't say, not yet, because I know when I use them they'll be strong words of commitment. Words they should be reflected through action. Difficult to do when she lives half way across the country.

[anachronistic]

How the hell do you find it satisfying to just have some girl to basically ****? If I were you, I'd feel like I was wasting my time.

[vashti]

I don't get that he is just ****ing her. I think that he actually cares about her.