BF ego problem after we wrestled

[Tiay]

We already know that he is willing to break the rules of a proper wrestling match and take you off-guard. You may have beaten him last time he took you by surprise, but you can't count on that.

eh, it may feel silly but please do arrange some sort of safety net like having someone wait in another room or outside your place, or arrange to check in with someone by phone.

[jenster]

We already know that he is willing to break the rules of a proper wrestling match and take you off-guard. You may have beaten him last time he took you by surprise, but you can't count on that.

eh, it may feel silly but please do arrange some sort of safety net like having someone wait in another room or outside your place, or arrange to check in with someone by phone.

You all are so sweet to show such concern. He'll be here in a couple of hours.

I'm not scared of him. Judo is a self-defense form that uses an attacker's aggression against him, and he's all about aggression--driven by his anger that a girl has beaten him in a physical contest.

i'm going to tell him its over and if he tries anything physical i'll be ready, I promise.

[IndiReloaded]

I'm not scared of him. Judo is a self-defense form that uses an attacker's aggression against him, and he's all about aggression--driven by his anger that a girl has beaten him in a physical contest.

Jen, I also doubt he will attack you, and you know him best. I hope it goes well. Personally, I think its always smarter to break up w/someone in a privately public place (eg. a quiet coffee shop or a park bench). Meeting in a private place is what you try to do when you want to work things out. You will be exposing yourself, at least, to his unfiltered emotional blast.

Re: judo. You seem a bit cocky to me & that's silly. While I'm glad you got your yellow belt, it is still a very junior level. Don't let it give you a false sense of security. Did you read my post about the nidan? A nidan, FYI, is a second degree black belt.

[vashti]

I am worried about jen's false sense of security AND her jerky boyfriend's lack of self control. I see the possibility of violence escalating.

[Gigabitch]

Jenster, I suggest you print out every page of this thread to show him just in case he loses it completely and tries to force you to tell him who you told. Clearly, that's more important to him than anything else.

[Gribble]

Ugh. Jen, sweetie? Please, please, please don't be so cocky. You're going to get yourself seriously hurt. Fights are very different from wrestling matches. Besides that, a man can afford to slip up. You can't. I don't know what your boyfriend is like, but in general a woman can wale away on a man all she wants without doing much harm. But one solid punch from him and she's out.

[Junket]

Shit, I've never been in a fight and I know I could take on her judo style.

[jenster]

OK, so from reading a few more messages you guys freaked me out so much that I did call a friend (she wasnt home, tho)..

truth is I was trying to sound cocky about my judo skills to buck up my own confidence. I was getting nervous about what he might do, and its true I wouldnt know what to do in a real fight w/punching and stuff...so i called my friend stacey and left a vague message about how i'd like her to come over b/c i was having "some problems" w/my BF and needed to talk.

so anyway, he shows up an hour later than he said he would....basically, drunk. He's not much of a drinker--i think i saw him really hammered only once the whole time we were dating--but he clearly had been drinking and i could smell it on his breath and I was like "whats going on? you said you'd be here an hour ago and i need to go to bed soon..."

and he was all like "good idea--lets go to bed" and kind of making these lame groping motions, and i was like "no, this is not going to happen, you need to leave and we'll talk when your sober"....and he just did this whole awwww c'mon you know you want me drunken rap, and thats when i told him my friend stacey was coming over soon b/c when he didnt show I asked her to come talk (not EXACTLY true, esp. since she wasnt really coming far as I knew, but....)

...and then his mood changed and he started asking if "i told her", and gettng angry, and I said "no, i didnt tell her anything, i just needed to talk to a friend", and he asked again about what i wrote here and i said "its none of your business" and he started saying 'you know if i want to I can kick your ass..your judo tricks cant stop me if i really want to put you in your place"....and this was a key moment when i FELT like saying "in your dreams" but instead I just kept quiet and let him rant about how i'm still "just a girl" and he's ten times stronger than me and blah blah blah, but i didnt want to say anything to escalate things in his condition....so finally he says "Say it--I want to hear you say you know I can kick your ass!"....and i just said softly "yes, it's true. You can kick my ass."

and he was so drunk he just kind of wobled on his feet and was like "damn right" and I said you better go, stacey will be here any minute, and he goes "I cant drive, i have to stay here", and I said "No, you cant stay here tonight, i'll call you a cab and you can get your car tomorrow"....and he said "no, i'm gonna stay", and he flopped down on the bed and I was like "Get up--you CANNOT STAY here" and he sez "you cant make me leave" and I said "I'll call the cops" and went to the phone....so he finally got it, and said Fine, F--- it, whatever"....and he let me call him a cab, and he left about 15 mins. later.

Total ass. So he'll be back today to get his car, probly w/the worst hangover ever...and i'll make sure he takes the rest of his stuff and be out for good.

The whole thing left a bad taste in my mouth. yes, i avoided a physical conflict w/him, but i wasnt able to break up w/him properly, AND i had to admit to him that he could take me in a fight, which I know you'll think is the least of it, but still really bothers me.

I felt so much like flipping him down and shoving my foot into his back, but i held back, and part of me wishes i hadnt.

[Junket]

but i wasnt able to break up w/him properly

Fúck him.

He doesn't deserve that kind of break up.

Drop off his shit at his house, with a note, or if you must, call him. Then tell everybody.

He had his chance, don't give him more.

Otherwise, I'd say you handled that wonderfully.

Don't let the whole admittance thing get you down, it's about being smart. You got this guy beat emotionally, and that's key.

[vashti]

I think you were smart to back down. I believe he could have hurt you. Now don't let him come over any more... be done with him. You can find someone more emotionally healthy, and I'm sure you know this now.

[misombra]

sounds like a controlling beater to me.

[Mish]

Fúck him.

He doesn't deserve that kind of break up.

Drop off his shit at his house, with a note, or if you must, call him. Then tell everybody.

He had his chance, don't give him more.

Otherwise, I'd say you handled that wonderfully.

Don't let the whole admittance thing get you down, it's about being smart. You got this guy beat emotionally, and that's key.

I agree with Fras

What he did was appalling. You need not associate with him any longer. Drop his stuff off or mail it to him. You don't need to see him again in person.

[IndiReloaded]

Good for you Jen. I agree with everyone here who says you should drop his things off. Don't let him have any excuse to come near your home ever again. You don't owe him anything anymore.

As for what you said, you only feel bad b/c of your own ego. But you are looking at it completely ass backwards. What you said is exactly what needed saying at the time. It has nothing to do with whether its true or not. Its what he needed to hear. Some would say you did him a final kindness giving him that parting comment. You also probably kept him from making a total ass of himself and, maybe a visit with the cops if he had actually been stupid enough to try to attack you.

You acted mature & kept your ground in a smart way. Kudos Jen, you're a cool one. Just stay away from this guy b/c he has serious issues.

[jenster]

Good for you Jen. I agree with everyone here who says you should drop his things off. Don't let him have any excuse to come near your home ever again. You don't owe him anything anymore.

As for what you said, you only feel bad b/c of your own ego.

I know, and THAT makes me pissed, too....that I have ego issues also about "who can beat who', but it's all wrapped up in how dismissive hes been of my judo ever since I got the belt.

It just makes me so mad that i actually said to him "yes, i know you can kick my ass"--its like i was giving in to him or something...well, it just FEELS like that even tho I know i did the right thing by avoiding a conflict.

Problem now is he'll be back for his car and will want to see me, and he'll be a freaking mess w/his hangover...i'd rather just shove all his clothes and crap into his arms and make him lug it all back...i dont even feel like i should have to.

and what do i tell evrryone about why we broke up? I could get back at him by telling everyone I beat him not once, not twice, but 3 TIMES in wrestling--and that he reacted like a total baby about it--but that would only make him crazy and probly want to have revenge, so thats not really an option.

Guess i'll have to swallow my pride again and just make something up about how we "grew apart" or whatever.

[Gribble]

Have all his stuff waiting for him outside your door. If he wants it, great. If he doesn't turn up leave it there for someone else to take.

Keep your door locked. If he shows up and starts pounding give him a warning and then call the cops. He'll know you mean business and he'll most likely back off for good.