How to be...

[MadKat]

cold blooded?!?! I find myself kinda shame to ask this question to me fellow males...but i gotta know!
I go through some threads here and i find that some advisor (male and female) here are indeed very tough in making decision. i.e, i read a thread, saying they are only 1 month relationship, means love is still very strong, but due to the females bad temper (sort off), ppl are advising him to find another 1. I dunno if he can do it, but I find it very hard.
Infact right now I'm kinda in this situation, my gf (dunno still are) are no longer showing the love to me anymore. I so clueless, we only barely 5 months and my love for her is still so strong, but how can she just let the fire dies this fast...i dunno how

[vashti]

She didn't "let" the fire die out - it just happens. In fact, this is a common part of dating. You have too much emotional investment for such a short-term relationship, it seems.

[lastwish]

Sometimes its because the fire just dies out or they have feelings for another person. BUT SOMETIMES the females (males do it too!) act cold, like they don't care anymore. But in fact they do care, they just don't want to show it because they are acting like little babies screaming for someone to take care of them (some people see this as testing of your devotion). When someone does that to me, I get upset and is tempted to act the same. But it usually doesn't work out because both would just keep being cold to each other, thus no problems are resolved. So, what I do now is..I control my temper and act like a mother or father. I would validate my feelings for them and hang on to this behavior for awhile. If the fire did not burn out then they would come back.

I don't get upset because when guys or girls misbehave,I think of them as little babies. Their aggression is harmless..they just need some validation of care and nurture.

[MadKat]

vashti, to answer you. I don't easily fall in love though there are girl(s) who show interest in me. BUT when i fall, i fall deep. I don't want to but just cant help it.

lastwish, you maybe right. BUT i cant really tolerate this kind of coldness. So for now, i just play the game, when her emotion is right and feel like talking, then i talk. Otherwise i kept silent and silence can kill me. SO, i go out hang with other girls who can talk...dunno if my decision is right. Correct me if i'm wrong, or give your opinions.

[Mish]

I don't get upset because when guys or girls misbehave,I think of them as little babies. Their aggression is harmless..they just need some validation of care and nurture.

Sounds interesting

What do you do to validate care and nurture for them?

[MadKat]

Hmm...I like to know too...

[lastwish]

Have you seen "Origins of Human Aggression: The Other Story"? It basically talks about how aggression starts in children of 2 years old. As they grow a little older and stronger, they show the most direct aggression (physical aggression like hitting other kids or screaming, etc). Its when they become adults, they learn to do indirect aggression (verbal aggression and other non-physical aggression). They know direct aggression is punishable by society (social exclusion, jail, etc). It doesn't mean adults doesn't have that aggression in them, they simply show it indirectly. Thats why you see people playing games and acting cold in the dating world (it probably isn't limited in the dating world though). This "coldness" you see in the other person could have been triggered by something you did or did not do (you might not have given them enough attention or something).

With that in mind, you can reverse their behavior by acting like their mother, father, or caregiver. They need you to show positive affirmation,not being cold back to them. Have you noticed how after little kids get into a conflict, they often want to make peace or get picked up by their caregiver followed by extensive cuddling and kisses?

To mimic that validating behaviour that your parents might have given it to you, you simply have to think of the different ways that your parents might have shown care to you when you were a child.

For example, parents cuddle and kisses their kids a lot. You can do the same to your boyfriend/girlfriend.

Parents want to know everything about their kids. You can ask your significant other questions like "how was your day?". Also, if they are acting cold, don`t take it personally (or at least don`t let like them know you are taking it personally). Pretend that something else other than you might have caused the behaviour. Asked them if they are ok and why they are so sad (not cold!). Act like you are concern about them, not yourself.

Parents think their kids are the best. You can compliment you significant other ALOT. Even if they are misbehaving, search for things you can say that is positive about them.

And most of all, your parents feed you. If you can, cook your significant other a nice meal. Something, they really really like. Also, when they are pigging down their food, this is a very good time to let them know about your concern regarding your relationship (if they are misbehaving). Be specific. Simply tell them (in a nice way) that you would like them to treat you in a certain way. My mom uses this technique on me too and it worked. I don`t get very angry and defensive when I get fed well.

[Illusional]

haha it's easy to be "cold blooded" when you don't care for someone anymore. everything that they do irritates the shit out of you.

raverboy

[Mish]

Have you seen "Origins of Human Aggression: The Other Story"?

With that in mind, you can reverse their behavior by acting like their mother, father, or caregiver. They need you to show positive affirmation,not being cold back to them. Have you noticed how after little kids get into a conflict, they often want to make peace or get picked up by their caregiver followed by extensive cuddling and kisses?

I haven't seen "Origins of Human Aggression: The Other Story", but I think it's good advice. It's hard though to be the bigger person sometimes. To get over your own feelings of hurt if you've been mistreated in some way. After all you are not the parent of your partner. Parent's don't always expect reciprication, it's a lot harder to act in this way to your partner. If they don't recipricate, it's a lot harder to give them care and nurture that they need. Our feelings need to be affirmed as well, otherwise there's a risk of simply turning into a doormat. Plus your own feelings of hurt still need to go somewhere, if not to your partner then where should they be misplaced?

[lastwish]

I haven't seen "Origins of Human Aggression: The Other Story", but I think it's good advice. It's hard though to be the bigger person sometimes.

Oh, you haven't seen it? It's quite an interesting documentary if you're interested in psychology.

And, yes, it is hard to be the better person. Thats why divorce rates are so high.

I guess it is a method to try if you feel stuck in the game of "lets see who cares less". There is a point where its just too much to hold and you can't take anymore of the hurt. After all, one of the purpose in finding a mate is to find someone who can take care of you (just like your parents!), not someone who continue to act like a little kid.

[MadKat]

Have you seen "Origins of Human Aggression: The Other Story"?

Parents think their kids are the best. You can compliment you significant other ALOT. Even if they are misbehaving, search for things you can say that is positive about them.

I'm interested in psycology but unfortunately, i never seen that documentary as well.

Though this documentary have some points that can be relate to relationships but i have different idea of story if we follow the path as it is being said.

In a relationship, if we treat our significant other is like a little kid, we groom them, feed em, listen to em, advise em, etc, and they will never grow up! I bet you seen some other movies/stories before where there are kids who never listen to their parents advise. In the end, they got themselve into trouble and they learn from their mistake. If we keep telling them what to do, they will never learn and will result(s);
1) too dependant on you
2) pampering them too much
3) they won't be afriad of you
4) distance from you

IMO, sometimes when our significant other became silence, there must be a reason.
1) they need room
2) we make mistake and never realise

In fact, when our partner goes silence and when we ask them what's in their mind which they say "nothing" means something. I'd did my own research, and usually the matters can be solve by giving them sometime to think. When they are ready, then only we ask what's the problem. If we treat them like kid, it can result in more hurt in us. I knew this when I was a kid and saw my mum cried when I didn't listen to her advise, but at that time, I feel like I need to know it on my own. I need space and freedom rather than they instruct me to do this and do that.

Just an opinion.

[lastwish]

I feel like I need to know it on my own. I need space and freedom rather than they instruct me to do this and do that.

Yes...i agree with you. People need to have their space and freedom to think things over. I was thinking of more on the line of giving out positive affirmation rather than negative. So, rather than pretending you are busy thus being cold back to them, you talk to them when they come to you.

Maybe because I have dealt with really difficult people (including kids), I tend to think the soft approach works better. So instead of punishing a person, I would shower them with love and talk the issue through with them. When I stay silent or when I get angry, those who are very resistent will shrivel up even more. I think it really depends on the temperament of the person. Experiment to see which approach works!

[lastwish]

In fact, when our partner goes silence and when we ask them what's in their mind which they say "nothing" means something. I'd did my own research, and usually the matters can be solve by giving them sometime to think.

yes...the classic silent treatment. Some people truely cannot stand this. Although it works on on some people, use it carefully. It might backfire on those has a lot of pride (including myself, haha). When someone uses it on another person, it is intended to take away the other person`s power and make them dependent. Some people can see right through it. I remembered the last time someone did that to me and I thought WAR and I did not back down until they gave me back some power. LOL.

[MadKat]

Hmm...i felt the same...
Silent WAR that's what i call.
But this is not healthy for a relationship...sad to say