In need of some serious help

[Epistle]

Well for around three years I've been best friends with a girl who I've been in love with. For the majority of our relationship she didn't know I was in love with her and it wasn't tell 5 or so months ago I admitted my feelings to her. She didn't return my feelings but we maintained our friendship. She's the closest person I've been to and the same goes for her she says.

There was a point in time where she told me she did have feelings for me, but she wasn't sure exactly what was going. At one point I asked her "do you have relationship feelings for me" and she openly said yes. Two days later I asked her if she had them and she said they "went away." I was devastated. At that point I didn't know what to do, but we eventually moved on and have continued our relationship as best friends.

The above is all in the past now. We're still best friends, we tell each other we love one another (as friends, obviously) and she continually tells me I'm the most important think to her. A few weeks ago she entered a relationship with a guy, which is something I fully supported, even though it'd make me sad. I want her to be happy, even if it isn't with me. But there's a problem... I'm her best friend and all, but things are changing. She's acting less interested in me as of late, she appears distracted and just doesn't seem to have the will to talk to me anymore. I know a lot of it is in my head, but something happened today that shocked me. She's been going out with this guy for like 3 weeks and she has liked him for months before this... but today she told me she made love to him the night before. A few days ago she told me she wasn't ready to make love yet, and with me knowing that I wasn't worried about it because I thought she was telling the truth.

Today when she told me she had sex I immediately was submerged in sadness. I felt so alone, sad, and filled with despair. If she had told me beforehand that she was going to be having sex, I would have still felt weird but I wouldn't be that upset because I'd know she was going to commit to that beforehand. She knows I love her, and she's says I'm the most important person to her... but how important must I be if she doesn't even tell me, a person who is in love with her, that she is going to have sex? She just did it, and I felt betrayed.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to completely cut off contact, but it kills me to know she's with someone else... having sex. I'm not a jealous guy, but I love her so much that it's a lot of pain to handle. If I ended our relationship as best friends, I know it'd kill me. But is that what I have to do to end this permanent emotional hell? Just cut off all contact?

I need advice, please. Anything.

Thank you.

[MadKat]

Well, i know your pain. But you must know 1 thing, you are just best friend to her. Must she inform you that she's gonna have sex or her activity?

I think is better that you just move on, don't have to cut contact but just maintain as "friend". It looks like she get so comfortable with you around her, she can tell you everything, and i believe she can even cry in front of you if she need to. This kind of "friend" relationship can't evolve into a bf/gf kind of relationship. If you still want to see her, be there for her, then don't try to upgrade the level.

Go on dates...might help you soothe the pain you're enduring.

[vashti]

I think it is a bad idea to pretend to be her friend. You aren't. You are interested in being more than friends, and so you have a conflict of interest which precludes friendship. A friend realizes that someone's sex life is none of their business, and clearly you have stepped over that line.

Do yourself a favor, and back off. You are rubbing salt into your wound, and you are violating her friendship with your unrealistic expectations.

[IndiReloaded]

Hi Epistle, not making light of your situation, but there are MANY threads in the LF archives on this topic. Try doing a search for 'friends, love' 'best friend, love' or some combination & you should find tons of help.

Then, if there are specifics that aren't addressed in those threads, post & let us know more. Good luck.

[Epistle]

I think it is a bad idea to pretend to be her friend. You aren't. You are interested in being more than friends, and so you have a conflict of interest which precludes friendship. A friend realizes that someone's sex life is none of their business, and clearly you have stepped over that line.

Do yourself a favor, and back off. You are rubbing salt into your wound, and you are violating her friendship with your unrealistic expectations.

I understand what I asked for to appear a little unreasonable, but you have to know our relationship first. With that said, the next time I talk to her I won't be mad or show any signs of discomfort. If she asks me if I'm mad, I'll simply tell her I don't have the right to be mad at her in situations like this. It did hurt me very much, but telling her this wouldn't solve anything.

But what now... do I just continue our best friendship or end it all? That's what I'm confused to do.

[vashti]

I think you should just back off. You need not formally break off the friendship. Just make yourself busy doing other things and quit hanging out with her. Her boyfriend (if they become serious) won't appreciate you hanging around anyway, because he will know what you are up to.

[IndiReloaded]

What's Giga's saying? "Friends don't wanna ****."

She may think of you as friend, but you don't think of her that way. Back off.

[Ekips]

"I'm not a jealous guy"

Then support her as a friend and move on.

You can forcefully have your feelings go away, and you really wouldn't know better.

You're centering your life around this too much. Yes, you love her, but you like other people, and you'd like to be with them as well (if any part of you is male, anyway). So go with the other people if you can, and before you know it, you'll start doubting your current feelings.

[Epistle]

I have already centered my life around her, which is what makes this so difficult. I gave up so much for her... too much, and now I
I'm paying for it.

I do need to back off and that's what I plan to do as of now.

[IndiReloaded]

I gave up so much for her... too much, and now I'm paying for it.

In a good relationship, friendship or otherwise, a key requirement is being honest about your feelings. If you 'gave up' something for her, without discussion with her, that was your choice.

If you weren't, perhaps, completely honest w/her about what drove you to do so, that is your lesson to learn from. You own your own feelings. All she needs do as your friend is be honest with you about hers. Sounds to me like she's been pretty upfront about things. What you do with that information is entirely up to you, but yes, backing off sounds like the best thing for both of you. Hope this helps.