I don't know what to do

[jbrowning]

So here's the story. I have been completely smitten by my professor for over a year now. I was in his class last year, the spring semester. I kept in touch with him after the semester was over, and we have become very close. He helped me through a tough time when I just didn't know what to do with my life career-wise, and I have finally figured it all out, thanks to him, and I have a new outlook on life.
Today, I went to go chat with him, as usual, and I was completely crushed when he told me he's leaving to teach at another school.
I don't know what to do. I think I care about him enough so that if I didn't say anything to him, it would somehow be wrong, but at the same time, I have no idea how to go about handling it.
I know this is kind of vague, and hard to follow without details, but I would REALLY appreciate any feedback on how to get through this. It might help if people asked questions about details so I can explain.
Thanks!

[Mish]

I kept in touch with him after the semester was over, and we have become very close. He helped me through a tough time when I just didn't know what to do with my life career-wise, and I have finally figured it all out, thanks to him, and I have a new outlook on life.

Well, it sounds like you and your university professor are really close. Is there a big age gap?

What I would do, I'd simply say. "Hey, let's catch up over a coffee this weekend". Why would he refuse? You're already close, you could even make it into a token of appreciation before he leaves. Over a coffee you can talk about things, have a conversation and see where it goes from there. If it's going well, you could continue into lunch, if there are any time issues, you can simply say you need to go somewhere but would like to continue the conversation over lunch next time.

[jbrowning]

Thanks for responding.
There is an age gap, but I realized a long time ago that I really don't care. The one thing complicating all this is that I was pretty sure that he KNEW that I'm completely infatuated with him, because honestly, I've done a terrible job of hiding it, but considering the casual way he just informed me of his leaving, I'm beginning to think I gave him too much credit. He may be incredibly brilliant and have a PhD, but he's still a man. I don't think he knows at all.
I know it's stupid of me to even entertain the thought that he might stay if he knew; after all, my life is not a chick flick. But I can't help thinking it anyway.

[lastwish]

It must suck to know he's leaving. How far is he leaving? If he's staying in the same city, it doesn't matter. If it's far then there's a problem. Long distance relationships are tough.

Is he fully aware that you have a thing for him and that you want something more? If he isn't then you should tell him if you are up to a long distance thing. See what his response is. But don't expect too much because he might not be interested in a long distance relationship (for so many reasons, first it's tough to remain close when two people don't see each other often and secondly you are still young. Young hearts fall in and out of love quickly. He is probably well aware of that).

[vashti]

It is extremely common to develop crushes on your professor, but you should definitely leave it at that. Most schools have rules about professor-student relationships (particularly if you are an undergrad), and they are in place for good reason. It is unlikely he would pursue anything with a student because if discovered, it would jeopardize his career, and trust me: you are not the only student who is attracted to him. He probably goes through this with at least one student per semester.

Here is another perspective for you: you get to see this man when he shines his brightest. he is teaching a subject he obviously cares about, and probably excels in. His enthusiasm is infectious, and probably many young girls are attracted to him because he represents what boys your age do not: intelligence and power. What you aren't seeing is what he is like on a day-to-day basis. Trust me, the difference between his professional demeanor and his private life demeanor can be day and night. I have known several professors who were professionally brilliant, and moronic in pretty much every other way.

Don't embarrass yourself by pursuing this.

[lastwish]

Most schools have rules about professor-student relationships (particularly if you are an undergrad), and they are in place for good reason.

I admire your strict and ethical perspective in all your advice, Vashi. But she is no longer going to be in his classes anymore.

However, its true. Many profs are different out of class although people in the academic profession can often relate more to someone who is younger than any other professions. You have think clearly whether you really want him for the right reasons. Also, are you passionate about the same things as him? Do you have similar interests?

[vashti]

But she is no longer going to be in his classes anymore.

I can't see how dating ANY student will be looked upon favorably. I think his professional reputation would suffer if his colleagues found out.

Anyway, I am seeing no indication that he is even interested.

[Charlie Boy II]

I want to be a professor when I get to about forty. One of the sleazy ones. Beats trawling for drunken, chubby-thighed divorcees at the local.

[lastwish]

I can't see how dating ANY student will be looked upon favorably. I think his professional reputation would suffer if his colleagues found out.

Yes, I understood you the first time. However, she is no longer his student so there is no conflict of interest thus I do not see how it should be frown upon on. The only thing I can see that people would criticize about is the age difference. But thats another topic.

[jbrowning]

Yeah, I'm not his student, and I'm not even in his department/major or anything.
As far as if he is interested or not...well, I'm not so sure. I think there's a chance that he could be. There have definitely been moments. But I can't be sure. And I understand why he can't do anything even if he does, because if it turns out I'm not on the same page, that could be really bad for him. He has a lot more to lose than I do. The ball is completely in my court. I just don't know what to do with it.

[Gigabitch]

Drop that ball. Any prof that would date a student is not the kind of man you'd want to be with.

Get his email address and keep very loosely in touch. Reconnect when you graduate.

[jbrowning]

However, its true. Many profs are different out of class although people in the academic profession can often relate more to someone who is younger than any other professions. You have think clearly whether you really want him for the right reasons. Also, are you passionate about the same things as him? Do you have similar interests?

To answer your first question, yes, I believe I do feel the way I do for the right reasons. I never thought I would be attracted to a professor, in fact, I usually scoff at other people when they are. But it happened.
We have had many conversations that have nothing to do with class or the subject matter he teaches, so I feel as though I know him as more than just a professor.

[Mish]

As far as if he is interested or not...well, I'm not so sure. I think there's a chance that he could be.

Well, there's only one way to find. You're not his student and he's moving to another University so whatever student / teacher relationship there could have been, clearly won't be there anymore. Ask yourself, if you dated a guy and then found out he was a professor at a university and you were a student at another university would that be grounds for you to not see him anymore? Don't be scared to invite him for a casual conversation to catch over coffee where you can thank him for all his help during the time you've known him. Don't be obvious with your intentions, but don't let any opportunities to get to know him better slip away either.

[IndiReloaded]

Crushes on profs are very common. Its his *job* to help you to grow & be supportive of you. Chances are very slight he's interested in you. Even on the chance he is, he won't pursue you while you're a student.

[jbrowning]

Unfortunately, Lastwish, he is moving far away.
I understand each person's point of view, and I'm happy to hear your input, but I'm not his student anymore, and I haven't been for about a year, so I don't really see what the big deal is there. The age gap, another story.
Mishanya, I don't know if I have the guts to just ask him for coffee. I don't know. We have had coffee before, but it was his idea. I've never been a make-the-first-move kind of girl, but I know that's the only option in this situation. I don't know if he would feel differently if he knew or not.