Involved with married woman

[IndiReloaded]

You've made your decision, now follow it through. That doesn't mean you'll necessarily stay married, or end up w/this new gal, btw. It just means you do your best w/the situation you are in until you can do no more. Then you'll be free to make the next decision you need to, whatever that is.

Its the fence-sitting that is causing you distress. Once you've FULLY committed to whatever decision you make, the distress will go away b/c you'll know you are doing the right thing (whatever that is for you, no judgement here).

Take it from someone who's been there. You gotta flip that mental switch. Just do it. Good luck.

[IndiReloaded]

One more thing (I just reread your 1st post) & its important. Sorry I didn't mention this sooner:

While you are apart from this gal, consider *honestly* whether a lot of your attraction for this young gal comes from a need to 'rescue her'. Those here who know about this call it the 'White Knight Syndrome'. That's a dangerous place to be in any relationship, but esp one of the sort you're having. Its very unhealthy & sets up a codependency that, when one of you grows out of it (probably her), will likely be the death of your relationship. That's usually how these things go.

In other words, what you THINK your relationship is, probably isn't. Just another reason to let her sort out her marriage, without complication from you. Not because you don't care, but b/c you don't want to have this kind of dynamic in place should she ever split from her husband. Assuming by that time that you & she are still interested, which you likely won't be, its just how these things usually go.

Take care.

[hntwwg]

You've made your decision, now follow it through. That doesn't mean you'll necessarily stay married, or end up w/this new gal, btw. It just means you do your best w/the situation you are in until you can do no more. Then you'll be free to make the next decision you need to, whatever that is.

Its the fence-sitting that is causing you distress. Once you've FULLY committed to whatever decision you make, the distress will go away b/c you'll know you are doing the right thing (whatever that is for you, no judgement here).

Take it from someone who's been there. You gotta flip that mental switch. Just do it. Good luck.

I am fully commited to ending contact, but it isn't easy. I still miss her, it's as simple as that.

[hntwwg]

One more thing (I just reread your 1st post) & its important. Sorry I didn't mention this sooner:

While you are apart from this gal, consider *honestly* whether a lot of your attraction for this young gal comes from a need to 'rescue her'. Those here who know about this call it the 'White Knight Syndrome'. That's a dangerous place to be in any relationship, but esp one of the sort you're having. Its very unhealthy & sets up a codependency that, when one of you grows out of it (probably her), will likely be the death of your relationship. That's usually how these things go.

In other words, what you THINK your relationship is, probably isn't. Just another reason to let her sort out her marriage, without complication from you. Not because you don't care, but b/c you don't want to have this kind of dynamic in place should she ever split from her husband. Assuming by that time that you & she are still interested, which you likely won't be, its just how these things usually go.

Take care.

I hear you but this is not the case. We just became friends, fell in love, and that's that. Discussions about her marriage didn't come into play until later.

[IndiReloaded]

Well, all else I can say is sometimes 'shit (and love) happens'. That, and the other old truism 'timing is everything'. Good luck w/the NC, its a bitch, I know. It does get easier tho & you'll become more philosophical about the whole situation. Take care.

[hntwwg]

'timing is everything'.

Yeah how about falling in love before the other party is married, for starts?

Here's me trying to make this agonizing situation humurous.

[IndiReloaded]

On extramarital sex:

Bill and Hillary were married for 40 years. When they first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 40 years of marriage Hillary never looked.

However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $1874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.

That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the cans in the box?"

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years."

They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "Why do you have all that money in the box?"

Bill answered, "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in."

[GodsRose]

Making the right decision doesn't always feel good. But your heart will heal.You will be okay.I've been through a lot of heartaches and have not died from any of them.Look at it this way, you will be stronger and now you know what you want in a woman.You don't want someone whose only half yours.Married people ar married for several reasons.You deserve to have an unmarried woman.Keep looking.Give yourself some time to heal and you will be as good as new.Take Care,ROSE

[hntwwg]

I feel like the only way I can make the pain go away is to fall in love with someone else. Someone single of course.

Is this the right course to take or am I better of drowning in my own sorrows for some time?

[Kromat]

I feel like the only way I can make the pain go
away is to fall in love with someone else. Someone single of course.

This is the right route to go, there are enough single people out
there to satisfy your needs, she probably treated you as a friend,
but you got attached to her by how lovely she was, that you forgot
that she even was married, but let your feelings be felt.

I had the same thing happen to me too, I really enjoyed talking to this
girl that I was partnering with in dance and didn't have the courage until
recently to see, If she wanted to do something, I felt the time was right
and I'm pretty sure she trusted me at this point.
I called her the last second, because something came up and asked If she'd
like to go out for some dancing and chat, I found out that she already had
birthday plans that she had to get ready for.
We spoke afterwards and I found out that she already had a boyfriend and
a daughter, but she thought I knew and told me not to worry about it.
Considers me as one of her friends still and we chat from time to time and
seem to laugh each time, and she's still very happy to dance with me.
She doesn't mind coming next season to the more advanced class to
learn Silver and Gold Latin dancing steps.

P.S. She even offered me to come and hang with her friends some time,
I guess negatives can become positives, If you take it the right way.

Married people are more open with others it seems, they don't mind flirting, but nothing
will break the bond between their partner until it's finalized, so don't get involved.

[Mish]

I feel like the only way I can make the pain go away is to fall in love with someone else. Someone single of course.

Is this the right course to take or am I better of drowning in my own sorrows for some time?

For me personally I like to drown in my sorrows for at least a month to get the last person out of my system. Falling immediately for someone else would be a sure way to mess me up.

Though, it doesn't mean that you can't socialize. Actually you should make new friends, meet up with new people have fun, develop your conversation skills for the time when you are ready for someone new. Surround yourself with people, go out with them, have a good time

[vashti]

I feel like the only way I can make the pain go away is to fall in love with someone else. Someone single of course.

Is this the right course to take or am I better of drowning in my own sorrows for some time?

Be careful not to jump from the frying pan into the fire. People make better choices when they have more goals in life than simply falling in love.

[hntwwg]

I want to thank all of you again for the great support you have provided. Your advice has really helped me through this situation.

I have spent many hours today self reflecting and have reached the following conculsions.

1) I made a BIG mistake getting involved with a married woman. Shame on me.

2) No Contact was and is the only right course of action

3) I am doubting if I even respect this woman now. She says she loves me, wants a life with me, not her husband, but she chose to stay with him. So either she is a liar or doesn't care for me like she says she did. How can I respect this especially when she cheated? I told myself over and over that I could accept this if she left him for me, but she didn't.

4) With this lack of respect comes the lack of intense pain. Even though I am still hurting, I realize that I can get through this pretty fast now.

5) I am ready to go out and meet people. I will not of course jump into a realtionship but making new friends now will help set the stage for a relationship when I am ready.


Thanks again. My heart is with you all.

[hntwwg]

Hello All,
Something ahs come up and I need your advice again.

While we were involved, she had a medical emergency and I took her to the hospital. Although she had insurance I didn;t know her address and gave them mine. Some bills came to my home today. I debating these 2 options.

1) Pay the bills myself which are around $120.00. This way she is kept out of the loop and can focus on forgetting about me.

2) Have a friend of hers from my work, contact her to have the address changed and then mail the bills directly to her. This way I'm kept out of the contact part.

Option 1 is me being a nice guy so she doesn't have to be remined of me, but then again why should I pay her bills? I am leaning towards option 1. Am I wrong?

Please advise your opinions

[IndiReloaded]

Dude, just tell her some bills came to you for her emergency. Make a copy & give her the bills. Same as you would for any friend. Its not complicated. Don't make it so.